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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not cover for my cheating son

205 replies

Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 00:27

Hey everyone
Really need help on this one !!! My 26 yo son has been married for 6 months only, he already as a 2yo dd , and has been in relationship with his dw since they were teens.

So he asked me about 3 days ago if I could tell his wife that he will be spending the weekend with me ( I live 2 hours away). I asked him why. He refused to tell me. I insisted and he confessed that he is seeing another woman... I can't believe it , I love my dil. Now he's mad and won't answer my calls and texted me 'you're my mum you should be on my side and not judging me'

Aibu ?

OP posts:
SomeBigBaubles · 14/12/2018 09:02

Give him the ultimatum that he speaks to you, or you tell her.

Absolutely this. And give him a timeframe. Normally I'd say keep out if it but this is your son and it really could put your relationship with your GC at risk.

His wife needs to know. And he needs to know you do not approve and if it comes down to 'sides', it's really not his that you'd be on.

HJWT · 14/12/2018 09:05

I would personally tell him he's got a week to come clean to his wife and clean up his act or you will be telling her and you will be on HER side ! I would also say something along the lines of I didn't bring you up to be like this and if your not happy in your relationship to the point your seeking other women then you need to tell your wife and end your relationship, stop acting like a child and imagine how you would feel if a man does this to your daughter when she grows up.

newmun · 14/12/2018 09:06

Absolutely fucking not. What an absolute disgrace of a man.

billybagpuss · 14/12/2018 09:11

is your user name your real name. You DIL may have just found out?

AdoraBell · 14/12/2018 09:12

That text was wrongly worded OP . What he meant was -you are my Mum, you should lie, cheat and cause my child to be confused and stressed by living within a broken family.

YANBU

Original poster
Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 09:30

Thanks everyone. I did tell him I refuse to lie to his dw,

' Tell her ' seems to be the general advice here. But it's not as easy for me. Either I lose my son or my GC ? Because I know
my son will never talk to me again. I feel like it's not my role to get involved in their relationship issues. I want to talk to him first, find out why he is doing that, and convince him to talk to her. He's ignoring my calls. I don't want to tell dil without having a conversation with my son first.

I love my dil yes , she lived with us from when she was 16 to when they got married. She's like a daughter to me ( I talk to her more than my son) hence why I feel guilty and do not want to cover for anything. It's not an easy decision Sad

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 14/12/2018 09:34

Your job as a mum is to guide him in the right direction and help him be the best person, with as little pain and distress in his life as possible.

It does not involve helping him be the scum of the earth. I’d be utterly furious and insulted that he’d even think he could mention this let alone that I might collaborate with him. I’d tell him he’s not welcome at yours till he sorted himself out and that he had one week to tell his wife what he’s up to or I would be letting her know.

Cheby · 14/12/2018 09:34

If you’re that close to her, you have to tell her. Otherwise she will never forgive you.

JustWingingLifeAsUsual · 14/12/2018 09:35

@Jillianmay you will not lose your grandchildren because your DIL will still let you see them. As long as you are honest with her!

timeisnotaline · 14/12/2018 09:36

Your gc is a child. If you have to prioritise one I think you prioritise the child. It sounds like your dil is basically a daughter to you too, would you lose her? I would try and talk to my son but I also know what I would have to do. I’m another one who would never talk to a mil again if they hid cheating. It’s a tough choice but it is also a clear one.

HisBetterHalf · 14/12/2018 09:37

Nope, wouldnt do it. It will totally affect your relationship with DIL if she found out and potentially your relationship with grandchild if they split due to this

SoaringSwallow · 14/12/2018 09:38

He's put you in a difficult situation for sure. But, especially after what you've now said about her regular contact and living with you until recently, you will lose that relationship. She'll never trust you again if she finds out you knew, carried on talking to her and didn't tell her.

And what relationship problem could they be having that would make him cheating on her ok? Especially six months into a marriage.

And remember too, that if you don't tell her you know, he'll be able to hold this over you. So in the future, if he cheats and you find out, he'll be able to get you to keep quiet by threatening to tell her you knew before and didn't tell her.

Original poster
Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 09:38

@billybagpuss not it's a fictional character.

I don't want to lose my son either. And how would I tell her ? When ? I am going to ruin her Christmas.

OP posts:
SoaringSwallow · 14/12/2018 09:40

You won't ruin her Christmas. He's doing that already.

And how do you think it would feel to put the effort into Christmas only to find out after that he's cheating AND his MIL knew?! That would ruin whatever great Christmas had been had.

LakieLady · 14/12/2018 09:40

Absolutely not. HIBVVU in a) cheating and b) telling you and getting you mixed up in his deception.

He's put you in an awful position.

babydreamer1 · 14/12/2018 09:42

Don't cover for him and insist he comes clean or you will do it for him. I'd be doubly heart broken if I found out not only was DH cheating but MIL knew. It could also effect your access to DGC if they split if you don't have a good relationship with their mother due to being complicit in your DS deceit.

JustABetterPlayer · 14/12/2018 09:43

Nope. If his wedding vows mean so little to him advise him to look at counselling or a divorce.

Waddsup12 · 14/12/2018 09:45

Sounds like he's got bored. He'll be saying he missed out on his teenage years next...

I'd stop trying to phone him, give him a bit of space, so he can't respond like a cornered, whiny brat.

I think he told you, so that you'd do the heavy lifting involved in breaking up his family.

Original poster
Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 09:50

I think everyone here who tells me that I should just tell her and seems to think it's an easy decision is a bit biased. You are thinking about yourself as wives , daughter-in-laws. You are putting your shoes in my dil's shoes.

What if this was your son ? daughter ? I want to convince him to talk to her first, and if he says no, I will do it myself. But I will not without prior discussion with him.

OP posts:
moralvictor · 14/12/2018 09:51

Hi Jillian,

What an awful position to be in. Everyone has great sympathy for you and that is quite right. I trust there would be a way for you to maintain relationship with both your son and you DIL. It is clear from the way that you write that you still have unconditional love for your son, but clarity that what he has done is wrong. I suspect that he also knows that what he has done/is doing is wrong. He doesn't need your judgment, he needs your support. It's not time for an ultimatum, it's time for a conversation. Why has he gone with another woman? What is it about the marriage that has made him take this step. I agree with everyone who says that your DIL needs to know. But it should be 1000 times better coming from a repentent son than a sorrowful MIL whose son thinks is 'betraying' him. I would hope that he could lead you to understand what has led him to take this path, and you could lead him to see that he needs to talk to his DIL about it. Of course, he may choose not to be repentent, but I think forgiveness on your part (not justifying what he has done but saying I choose to love you anyway) even if you do ultimately have to be the one to tell DiL means that after a period of anger and then cooling off, you may still have a relationship with DS. My other question is about your son's father. Is he in the picture? How could he be involved, speaking man-to-man?

Original poster
Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 09:53

He won't talk to me though, and dil and I talk everyday. Don't worry , I won't be to hide the truth from her long. Not because I am afraid of not seeing my Dgd but because I love her as a person, she is not just the mother of my grandchild.

OP posts:
BeekyChitch · 14/12/2018 09:53

Give him an ultimatum - either he waits at home this weekend or you tell her. I'm pretty sure he'll wait at home. I know if it was a friend of mine I would have no problem telling them outright but your situation is so much more complicated.

Original poster
Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 10:01

@moralvictor

Thank you for your great answer. That's exactly how I feel. I can't just tell his wife without prior talking to him. I want to know the reasons behind his cheating behaviour. I am ready to listen , help him , support him. But he is so stubborn , and gets angry or ignores me when thinks don't go his way. He shames me too : " You're not a real mother .... your love isn't unconditional ... why do you care so much about her, i am your child nor hers ".

His father died less than a year ago. I am not ready to lose my only child after I lost my husband. But I don't want to lie for him either.

OP posts:
Oakenbeach · 14/12/2018 10:03

I get that you don’t want to tell her. I wouldn’t want to either... The general opinion is to require him to tell her, and give a deadline, otherwise you will tell her.... that deadline doesn’t have to be before Christmas.

moralvictor · 14/12/2018 10:03

Oh, I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband. What a terrible, terrible year for you. Was DS close to his Dad? Is his cheating perhaps a search for a replacement love?