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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not cover for my cheating son

205 replies

Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 00:27

Hey everyone
Really need help on this one !!! My 26 yo son has been married for 6 months only, he already as a 2yo dd , and has been in relationship with his dw since they were teens.

So he asked me about 3 days ago if I could tell his wife that he will be spending the weekend with me ( I live 2 hours away). I asked him why. He refused to tell me. I insisted and he confessed that he is seeing another woman... I can't believe it , I love my dil. Now he's mad and won't answer my calls and texted me 'you're my mum you should be on my side and not judging me'

Aibu ?

OP posts:
Dimsumlosesum · 14/12/2018 07:06

He's a scummy cheating piece of shit. In cases like these you need to show him a standup example of what morality looks like. Sinking to his level and covering for his disgusting actions will only further to sully you as a human being.

Sexnotgender · 14/12/2018 07:08

Wow what an arsehole!

I’d not cover for him. How dare he try and involve you in his adultery and then lay on the guilt!

Shockers · 14/12/2018 07:17

He has involved you, so he now has to listen to you.

If your DIL finds out you knew later on down the line, she will be devastated. You must explain that you are not prepared to lose her and your grandchild by keeping quiet. Either he comes clean to her, or you will be forced to tell her.

Him saying he’ll stop isn’t enough in this case; he needs to tell her.

Good luck- he has put you in a horrible position.

BrokenWing · 14/12/2018 07:28

My child (I hope) would know better than to ever ask me to do this.

My response to his email would to say - how dare you even ask me this, I am so angry at you right now and I will judge you cheating as I thought I'd raised you better than to cheat and lie to your wife AND child. But I am always on your side even when it means saying things you don't want to hear, we need to talk ASAP can you come here at the weekend? I think it will do you good to get away and talk/reflect on the reality of what you are doing.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 14/12/2018 07:29

Definitely don't cover for him. It's disgusting that he would even ask.... He's putting his DW at risk of sexually transmitted infections.

Leatherandsilk · 14/12/2018 07:31

Put it this way, when ex DH started behaving like a dick his mother stayed neutral and was just upset her son behaved that way, she supported me with the kids.

Now she gets them to stay at hers every holiday with him and I get them to spend time with her when he wouldn’t.

Be that Mum not the one that gets cut off from her GCs.

rwalker · 14/12/2018 07:33

Can't believe he's asked you .Text him back I'm your mum that why I'm not at your house telling dil everything and that your heartbroken for dil and want no part of it.

Dimsumlosesum · 14/12/2018 07:35

"Either you tell her what you're doing, or I'm going to".

DorisDances · 14/12/2018 07:38

This must be so upsetting for you - thoughts and hugs flying through the ether to you

malificent7 · 14/12/2018 07:39

I wouldn't be on my child's side if he was behaving like this....and i would tell him so in no uncertain terms.
Let him go off and have his pathetic little tantrum.....he's behaving like a toddler. Tbh i woyldn't want to speak to him for a while adter this anyway.
I woyud judge....absolutely. i love dd very much but i'd judge her for foul behaviour.

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 14/12/2018 07:42

He never should have involved you, but now that he has I'd tell him that either he comes clean to his wife or you will tell her.

WaterBird · 14/12/2018 07:43

YANBU, and I'm actually quite surprised that he had the nerve to ask you. Were I to do this and ask my DM/DF I'd expect them to refuse as well. That being said, keep staying in touch with him. The ignoring is very immature.

WaterBird · 14/12/2018 07:45

The ignoring on his part, I meant.

thebabysmellsofpooagain · 14/12/2018 07:47

OP, I feel for you. This is a shitty situation to be in the week before Christmas!

However, I agree with PP in that you should definitely not cover for him. If I was in your DIL situation, I would want to know but I'm not sure on the timing. Half of me would want to know ASAP otherwise I would feel like my 'perfect Christmas' was a lie. On the flip side of that, I'm not sure whether I could spend a Christmas pretending to be happy when I was dying inside. You are the one that knows DS and DIL best so you will have to make that call.

As hard as it is, you have to put your grandchild first. If I found out DMIL covered for DP on something like this, it would be the end of the relationship and contact with my DC would be bare minimum!

Good luck, I don't envy you in the slightest ThanksThanks

chillpizza · 14/12/2018 07:54

I wouldn’t cover for mine to be honest I wouldn’t cover for anyone ever and if I found out my mil knew something like this and didn’t tell me she would not be welcome anywhere near me or my home and if that happened to include the grandchildren since their dads clearly an arse and likely to be unbothered while chasing his new bit of skirt then so be it. Lying by omission is still lying.

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 08:17

No way. Absolutely no way.

You have the choice now, keep his secret or make him realize how hurtful and horrible he’s being. To his family. What if the ow got pregnant? Have you read some of the heartbreaking threads here?

I’d tell him he breaks it off, tells his wife, or you will.

Our first job as parents is to bring up our kids to be decent human beings. Don’t stop now.

Engorged · 14/12/2018 08:26

I would text him back ' you are my son, im disapointed that i didnt raise you better then this'.

Not that you raised him wrong OP but it might shame him. Right now he's putting it all on you which is out of order and he's being a cheating shit.

The fact he thinks you would cover for him is an insult.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 14/12/2018 08:31

What a lowlife he is being!

I'd be furious that he was screwing about and trying to involve me.

You have to tell him to tell his wife.

pilates · 14/12/2018 08:37

What an awful thing for your son to expect you to do. Quite shocked he asked this of you. I would be having strong words with him. If he is not happy in his relationship with his wife he should have the decency to tell her and end it.

brizzledrizzle · 14/12/2018 08:42

YANBU. You can refuse to collude with him without being all judgemental. I'd be furious with my son if he asked and would also refuse.

RB68 · 14/12/2018 08:45

The response is " Yes I am your Mum but I brought you up with better standards than that and I hold the right to call you out on your bad behaviour and hold you responsible for the hurt it inflicts on other people including my grandchild"

labazs · 14/12/2018 08:45

if you cover it will come back on you imagine how his wife will feel if she realises you have covered for his nasty little lies hes not been married 5 minutes what an immature lying cheat

SoaringSwallow · 14/12/2018 08:51

He's obviously not realised that by telling you he's jeopardising your relationships too. So you'll need to explain that.

Then give him a deadline to tell her (before Christmas, so she doesn't do a lot of effort for him) and on that date you'll call her to see how she is and if you think he's not told her, you'll tell her. Put it in an sms. Screenshot it in case you need it in future.

Him not going or him going for the weekend is almost irrelevant. Her finding out can't be dependent on that, because if he doesn't go, next time he'll hide it from you both. And there will be a next time.

But my goodness, he's put you in a horrible situation.

Yulebealrite · 14/12/2018 08:52

What a dilemma. Not the lying, obviously that's an easy decision. But do you tell his wife now that you know?

JustWingingLifeAsUsual · 14/12/2018 09:00

He is a cunt.

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