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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD not to give other grandparents access

204 replies

ashvivienne · 13/12/2018 23:37

DD1 is in the late stages of pregnancy she wasn’t in a relationship with the father and after telling him she was pregnant he screamed and shouted at her then she received some of the most awful texts I’ve ever seen including ones from his parents calling her a slag and denying their grand child.
After 4 weeks the father sat down with DD where she gave him the ultimatum of being in for the long run or being out forever which is the decision he made and she has accepted that she is doing this alone which she has taken well. After this they messaged her and said there was no way in hell they weren’t seeing the baby which she didn’t respond to.
She has now been receiving text messages again from the boys mum saying she wants to see her grandchild and there’s nothing DD can do to stop her. DD hasn’t responded to the messages and this has lead to a text saying she will show up to the hospital if need be. DD is wondering if she should just make everyone happy and let them visit.
I’ve told her it’s obviously up to her but I don’t want them in our house (DD still lives with us) and I wouldn’t allow them access after all the abuse.

OP posts:
ChristinaMarlowe · 15/12/2018 10:07

I had a similar situation - in fact it was a planned pregnancy and we'd been together 2.5 years.
He decided to walk and saw DD last when she was 12 days old, family in tow.
It ended with me telling hisother and her new husband to do one, they stuck a present through the door the first Christmas which they drove away with after I chucked it back out the door in a rage (trust me it was deserved by that point!) and I've never heard from any of them since although they all live 3 miles down the road. DD turns 6 next week.
I'm now married and she has a lovely step dad. She has always known her 'real' father lives locally and that if he ever tried to contact her it will be her decision and no one else's as to how she responds.
Biological father is not on the birth certificate - his choice - so my husband is legally adopting her now we are expecting DC2.
Hang in there - if he wants to be involved he knows where she is. Right now she needs to stay calm and nest. The rest can wait until baby is here and she's mentally ready to think long-term.
Just my two cents. Happy Christmas OP.

ChristinaMarlowe · 15/12/2018 10:09

*His Mother.

It was his DM that came with the present (and a list of her demands and rights) - I've never seen him again since that 12th day of DD's life!

It's been around 5.5 years since I heard from any of them.

Shoxfordian · 15/12/2018 10:30

Yeah tell social services everything. I'm sure you'll be fine as you bought m&s biscuits, that's definitely something they check for Grin

Tell the other grandparents to fuck off, they shouldn't have been so rude to your daughter. Encourage her to end all contact

Lizaelna · 15/12/2018 10:38

Your poor DD OP! This is almost exactly what happened to me. Had very much unplanned DD and her father decided I was to put her up for adoption or I'd never hear from him again. His mother then sent abusive messages to my DM calling me every name under the sun and that I was a disgrace and this was a disgraceful situation. DDs father then brought her into the hospital room (without asking me first) a day after I'd had a traumatic birth with DD. She stood at the entrance of the room, refused to look at DD and referred to her as "it". She then said she was taking her son home. The midwives were amazing, they told the receptionist and security not to let her anywhere near me. She tried more than once to get back upstairs but security wouldn't let her (I would've paid good money to see the look on her face). Both DDs father and his mother haven't seen her since. I've kept any abusive texts she sent me or my DM just in case she or her son try to take me to court. He also is not on the birth certificate (his choice) but pays money toward her (well below the child maintenance calculated amount 🙄). Keep supporting your DD through the latter stages of her pregnancy and definitely mention to the midwives and hospital staff that the father nor his mother are allowed anywhere near the ward. Once GC gets here and your DD is thrown into motherhood she will completely forget about all that horribleness and your GC will have all the love they need from your side of the family!

BoebePhuffay · 15/12/2018 11:17

You're confusing 2 separate things.

Parental responsibility = paying child maintenance

Parental rights = having access to the child

No. There are no parental rights. The rights belong to the child. The child has a right to contact with both parents where possible and in their best interests.

To those saying don't name the father - 2 things, he can go to the court to add his name so if he expresses a wish to be named it's simpler just to do it at registration (this doesn't give parental responsibility)

FFS! Putting him on the BC IS giving I’m parental responsibility!! He gets that as soon as his name is on the BC.

GhostsInSnow · 15/12/2018 11:21

Some of this is spookily similar to my own experience. In the end I didn't put him on the BC (eternal thanks to my Mum who convinced me not to) and I nor my DC ever saw him or his family again.

Bear in mind if the name is on the BC when your DD meets someone further down the line it opens a whole world of shit if that person then wants to adopt the child.

Probably harsh but I think I'd be changing my stance to 'It's not yours'.

bastardkitty · 15/12/2018 11:30

Everything *BerylStreep said! Your DD should not have sent that message but hopefully she won't make that mistake again. I also think the social care referral is a blessing. TBH the sperm donor and family are so bad, they're good. The next time there is harassment, report to the police. So much for you all to look forward to. Hope the nonsense is soon over.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/12/2018 12:32

Is your Dd very young? She shouldn't have replied, they wouldn't have liked being told no - I think I'd be looking at moving tbh.

90mammasophie · 15/12/2018 12:44

Nope.
Block everything. Even change number.
They sound toxic.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 15/12/2018 12:44

It beggars belief anyone would think contact with these people is a good idea, who would write and abuse a pregnant mum in this way? Who would condone this type of contract?

My goodness if my son did something like this I and I wanted contact I would be writing the most humble, apologetic supportive email ever!

Babysharkdoodoodoodo · 15/12/2018 15:58

Is your daughter under 18, as there are possible safeguarding issues if so. Police and social services will be more inclined to help with vulnerability issues.

IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 15/12/2018 16:14
  1. how would they know when she was in hospital?
  2. of course she can stop her, she just has to leave the father off the birth certificate.
  3. your dd needs to stand up to her and tell her that this is her child and her rules and if they ever wants to see the baby it will be supervised and they better start being polite to her!
IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 15/12/2018 16:20

Omg, just seen your update. Your doing everything right OP.
Hope it works out for you all!

EdwardScissorskills · 15/12/2018 16:21

Perhaps they regret the first text messages as said... but they sent them. And nice people don’t calm down and start doing this:

She has now been receiving text messages again from the boys mum saying she wants to see her grandchild and there’s nothing DD can do to stop her. DD hasn’t responded to the messages and this has lead to a text saying she will show up to the hospital if need be.

That’s not nice. Threatening to show up at the hospital because they think their non-existent rights in this situation are greater than anyone else’s.

She can’t put the father on the birth certificate anyway - they weren’t married, he would need to be there in person and presumably there is no chance of that.

Original poster
ashvivienne · 15/12/2018 16:58

DD has just turned 21 and the father is mid 20s. We’ve asked DDs work to type up a letter explaining her new shifts when she goes back to work as she works at night.
We’ve muted the texts so she doesn’t get any notifications we’ll print the texts Monday morning for SW. We’ve spoken to the hospital who’ve told us their security measures and assured us nobody gets up to the wards without going through security. We’ve had the ability to go private with our insurance so there’s added security at the hospital luckily and if I’m honest I think they think DD is giving birth at our local hospital so they won’t even know where to go.

OP posts:
BoebePhuffay · 15/12/2018 17:01

We’ve had the ability to go private with our insurance so there’s added security at the hospital luckily and if I’m honest I think they think DD is giving birth at our local hospital so they won’t even know where to go.

I would keep all that info on a need to know basis. I know you say DD and ex don’t have friends in common but you never know who might have a surprise connection and not realise the situation. Tell DD not to be discussing her arrangements with anyone who isn’t a very close trusted friend.

Satsumaeater · 15/12/2018 17:26

They are the child’s biological grandparents, unless they are dealers or the like you’re being extremely unfair

I think the comment below adequately answers the comment above.

I wouldn’t want my child to see people who referred to me as a slag

Astonished that social services visit before a baby is even born. If they had visited me in the late stages of pregnancy I would have been at work! And we didn't buy much for ds until I finished work at 37 weeks.

SaveKevin · 15/12/2018 18:24

Can I just say I think you’ve handled this wonderfully.
Your daughter is incredibly lucky to have supportive, knowledgeable parents.

moredoll · 15/12/2018 18:35

Whatever else don't put him on the birth certificate. And if SS ask I'd be inclined to say your DD hasn't decided yet, and is concentrating on the birth. Social workers can be well-intentioned, but they aren't always the brightest.
I would also ask 101 for advice as it feels like harassment.

SaveKevin · 15/12/2018 18:58

Another poster had it spot on. He can only go on the birth certificate if he’s physically present (and the twats signed that away) to register. It’s not something she can do in his absence.

lily2403 · 15/12/2018 19:31

If dad doesn’t want involvement then the gps shouldn’t. Would be confusing for the child

BrendasUmbrella · 16/12/2018 14:03

Probably harsh but I think I'd be changing my stance to 'It's not yours'.

Which would just bring new energy to their harassment campaign. Or even prompt them to try and find out legally. Best to stick with reality.

BoebePhuffay · 16/12/2018 14:09

Yeah don’t start telling lies. That gives them ammo to take to court and question her mental state.

Honestly, just keep ignoring and gathering evidence. Don’t engage at all. Don’t fan the flames.

TORDEVAN · 16/12/2018 14:29

I have a slightly different situation but I researched heavily the rights of the grandparents. (I'm NC with my mother and expected one day she may fight for access to my DC out of spite).

The grandparents would have to prove that them not seeing the child is detrimental to the child. They have to go through 2 different 'processes' (i forget the actual name) - one to see if they can try to get access, and one to then get access. At least the first of these isn't free.

I was told by a lawyer that the vast majority of judges would never rule in favour of grandparents that have never met the child in question as it would be against that child's best interests (may be distressing to the child etc).

Ninabean17 · 17/12/2018 07:43

Good luck today op, I hope everything goes smoothly and this horrible episode can be put behind you all.