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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD not to give other grandparents access

204 replies

ashvivienne · 13/12/2018 23:37

DD1 is in the late stages of pregnancy she wasn’t in a relationship with the father and after telling him she was pregnant he screamed and shouted at her then she received some of the most awful texts I’ve ever seen including ones from his parents calling her a slag and denying their grand child.
After 4 weeks the father sat down with DD where she gave him the ultimatum of being in for the long run or being out forever which is the decision he made and she has accepted that she is doing this alone which she has taken well. After this they messaged her and said there was no way in hell they weren’t seeing the baby which she didn’t respond to.
She has now been receiving text messages again from the boys mum saying she wants to see her grandchild and there’s nothing DD can do to stop her. DD hasn’t responded to the messages and this has lead to a text saying she will show up to the hospital if need be. DD is wondering if she should just make everyone happy and let them visit.
I’ve told her it’s obviously up to her but I don’t want them in our house (DD still lives with us) and I wouldn’t allow them access after all the abuse.

OP posts:
BoebePhuffay · 14/12/2018 00:16

Based on their co duct to date I would say they are nasty fuckers and will cause no end of trouble and drama for your daughter. Tell her to continue to ignore their messages and under no circumstances let them know which hospital she is using o when she flies into Labour. When she does go into labour tell her to inform the staff that if these people turn up they are not to be allowed in. The staff will keep them out. If they continue to harass her contact the police. But do not respond to those messages and allow no contact that isn’t court ordered.

BoebePhuffay · 14/12/2018 00:17

Conduct*

Coyoacan · 14/12/2018 00:18

What the grandparents did and said was really horrible - but was an instant reaction. They've calmed down now. If they are basically decent people and suitably sorry

There is no mention of the word "sorry" in the OP.

BoebePhuffay · 14/12/2018 00:20

Flies= goes!

anitagreen · 14/12/2018 00:20

My friend had to have security when she gave birth as her exs family was that bad, no midwife was allowed to disclose any info on her in labour or even that she was in the hospital etc. And no body is allowed to just show up unannounced to the labour ward, if she doesn't tell them they won't know simple as that. If I was her I'd stay clear because if the dad ends up on the birth certificate and wants to be spiteful and take the baby, unless she goes to court and goes through the channels the police won't help in bringing baby back, which is what my friend found out.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/12/2018 00:22

I would suggest she replies once, civilly, saying not to contact her again. If the abuse continues I’d ask the police to give them a harassment warning. They do not sound like decent people who are sorry for overreacting. They are threatening a pregnant woman and disregarding her wishes and welfare.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2018 00:22

Grandparents have no legal rights. Advise your DD to keep a record of their unpleasant messages but block them, and inform the hospital not to admit them to see her. The sperm donor could go to court but it would take time and money, and it can be drawn out till he and his family have run out of both.
Kids are better off without abusive bullies in their life, relatives or not.

BoebePhuffay · 14/12/2018 00:22

no midwife was allowed to disclose any info on her in labour or even that she was in the hospital etc

No midwife is allowed to disclose that information to anyone anyway. Not unless the patient gives explicit permission that the midwife can tell her mum on the phone what is happening.

SilverApples · 14/12/2018 00:24

They’ve calmed down, but are still texting bullying messages saying they will see the baby and there’s nothing the mother can do to stop them. How us that decent, or civilised?

anitagreen · 14/12/2018 00:27

@BoebePhuffay oh god I didn't know that as when I was in labour people was directed to my room just assumed that was normal Confused

Iloveautumnleaves · 14/12/2018 00:29

Tell her that she NEEDS to maintain her stance of not replying to them. It’s difficult, but it will only get worse later if she caves in now. She needs to block them on everything. Phone, email, Facebook, everything.

Remind her that she owes them NOTHING. They were vile to her and will continue to be and they will try to turn her child against her.

They have NO rights. Let them badger their son for contact with his child, the one that he wants no part of...🙄

She really would me MASSIVELY foolish to give them an inch and as her mum you need to help her find the strength to block and ignore them.

Be strong with and for her.

,

BoebePhuffay · 14/12/2018 00:30

People were directed to your room while you were in labour? What people?

theworldistoosmall · 14/12/2018 00:32

If it was just the texts in the beginning then maybe I would send over a couple of pictures once baby was born.

However. Threatening that there is nothing your dd can do to stop her seeing the child? Nah. The woman should be grovelling instead of threatening to come to the hospital. She doesn't give a shit about your dd or the grandchild, it's clearly all about her and her perceived rights. She hasn't asked about how either of them are doing. It's all me, me, me.

This person has got NO rights to see the grandchild because there aren't automatic grandparent rights. If she had a proven relationship with the child and the dd stopped contact, then the gp could apply to the court to ask for permission to apply for contact.

At the moment with the dad, unless he is present he cannot be put onto the BC. However, this does not mean in a week, month, year, whatever down the line he suddenly gets a conscience he can apply for rights and contact through the court.

There's plenty of advice about this on government websites, family lawyers websites, gingerbread etc. If that's not enough there's also places like cab who will advise her the same thing. Gp's have no automatic rights, and unmarried dads have to be there at registration to be put on BC, and if they want access or rights if not on BC he applies to the court.

Rachie1973 · 14/12/2018 00:35

My 16 year old gave birth 3 weeks ago.

So we registered the baby without him, we didn’t tell him she was in labour and he got a text when little one was born and yes he can take it to a DNA for his PR but I doubt he will. The door isn’t shut to him, it’s simply closed until such time as he decides to man up.

anitagreen · 14/12/2018 00:38

@BoebePhuffay I've phrased that really wrong sorry! But a friend I didn't want to see after the birth heard I was in labour and just came up and they showed her where I was etc and she just came in with her son was very overwhelming Shock

BoebePhuffay · 14/12/2018 00:41

Shock I would complain about that TBH. They really cannot just let randoms who say they’re a friend in to see a woman in labour! It’s not a spectator sport. It’s a medical condition. When I had my first baby my best friend was my birth partner but I called my Ex to tell him I was in labour and to come to the hospital. The staff asked me if it was okay to let him in before allowing him through.

Original poster
ashvivienne · 14/12/2018 00:46

I work in law as does OH but neither of us in family law so I’ve contacted my friend who does to get a full picture on where we stand and all avenues are covered. The hospital DD is giving birth at has given us the tour along with friend that is her birthing partner and they’ve shown us the visiting procedure which is very secure so I know she feels secure going to the hospital with no hassle.
If anything I was worried I was coming off really unreasonable but the text messages them and their son have sent her were awful in the beginning.
Our properties gated with security and DDs “granny flat” above our garage has a ring doorbell and security camera outside of it as well as a precaution from people jumping our wall a few months ago and attempting to break in!

OP posts:
Shadow1234 · 14/12/2018 00:47

As previous poster said, make sure your daughter keeps all texts - (she may need to provide these as evidence of harrassment in the future). They may not back down quietly, so make notes of times/dates of any other incidents that may arise. Agree with others that she shouldnt put his name on B.C. either, and no contact would be the best way forward.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2018 00:53

Also, until the baby is born, none of them have any rights to any contact at all and, if they keep on pestering her, she can inform the police that they are harassing her, so there is a record before she gives birth that these people are unreasonable and it will count against them if they try to apply for contact afterwards.

MilkyCuppa · 14/12/2018 01:11

I’d be absolutely furious if someone thought they could insist on access to MY baby and said I couldn’t stop them. Because I’d be like - Wanna bet?

They sound like nasty bullying people and they have no rights. Block and ignore. Tbh I’d go as far as moving away to an undisclosed location in order to ensure my safety and privacy.

Yohooo · 14/12/2018 01:11

How are the parents still able to message your daughter? I’d have blocked anyone who had sent a text calling me a slag!

Letsmove1t · 14/12/2018 01:16

No why invite dreadful people into your life? Ask DD to name one benefit?

BoebePhuffay · 14/12/2018 01:18

I wouldn’t block them. I would get your daughter a new SIM card with a new number. Then keep the one they have the number for and put it into and old phone so that I could keep a record of every message they sent. Blocking them means no record of continuing harassment. Keeping the channel open but not available to your DD means they can still send the crap, you can gather it as proof but it doesn’t affect your DD.

ImNotKitten · 14/12/2018 01:25

I’d send one text from her number telling them to leave her alone or she’ll be reporting them for harassment to the police. And then follow through if they’re stupid and arrogant enough to carry on.

BoebePhuffay · 14/12/2018 01:28

I wouldn’t. That’ll be a red rag to a bull. These people don’t like being told no, they’ll up the ante. Far better to give no response at all. De escalation is what you’re looking for.

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