Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD not to give other grandparents access

204 replies

ashvivienne · 13/12/2018 23:37

DD1 is in the late stages of pregnancy she wasn’t in a relationship with the father and after telling him she was pregnant he screamed and shouted at her then she received some of the most awful texts I’ve ever seen including ones from his parents calling her a slag and denying their grand child.
After 4 weeks the father sat down with DD where she gave him the ultimatum of being in for the long run or being out forever which is the decision he made and she has accepted that she is doing this alone which she has taken well. After this they messaged her and said there was no way in hell they weren’t seeing the baby which she didn’t respond to.
She has now been receiving text messages again from the boys mum saying she wants to see her grandchild and there’s nothing DD can do to stop her. DD hasn’t responded to the messages and this has lead to a text saying she will show up to the hospital if need be. DD is wondering if she should just make everyone happy and let them visit.
I’ve told her it’s obviously up to her but I don’t want them in our house (DD still lives with us) and I wouldn’t allow them access after all the abuse.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 14/12/2018 19:25

Well they peaked early and now your DD knows never to allow access.

TeachesOfPeaches · 14/12/2018 19:28

When i gave birth the door to the maternity unit was guarded by a woman at a desk. Think she was a social worker? You can't just wander in and out of the ward.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 14/12/2018 19:32

SS will have a quick look round the house, ask a couple of questions, see the messages and know it's a malicious referral, and then toddle off and send your DD a closing letter to let her know they're taking no further action. Happens all the time, and it's such an unnecessary use of resources.

ChasedByBees · 14/12/2018 19:33

It’s almost a good thing that they’ve gone this far before your DD established a relationship.

How is she feeling about it all?

UnknownStuntman · 14/12/2018 19:34

Although it won't seem like it, fthis must be a good thing. After the visit (and I'd show them the texts) SS will be aware that these people are devious lying fucker so if there is any attempt to get access, it's much less likely to succeed.

Weezol · 14/12/2018 19:35

They're really not very bright are they? SS will see this for exactly what it is - a vexatious time wasting complaint, which does the complainant no favours at all and flags their behaviour as unreasonable from the off.

ittakes2 · 14/12/2018 19:38

I would ring the 101 police and ask their advice. Giving birth is stressful enough - she needs to know what to do if they do show up either at the birth or at your home. If you go a call now and they show up you have a trial of info with the police.

DartmoorDoughnut · 14/12/2018 19:41

Your poor DD Sad she must feel so stressed out by these twats

Starlight456 · 14/12/2018 19:42

I agree with pp. They have been vile from the beginning. Tell Dd to tell no one buy you when she goes into labour . Lock down on s. Media . Does she have connected friends , block them too.

Do not tell anyone date baby is registered

Ilikeknitting · 14/12/2018 19:43

I wouldn’t want my child to see people who referred to me as a slag.

AnoukSpirit · 14/12/2018 19:45

DD is wondering if she should just make everyone happy and let them visit.

I hope, given the turn of events, she is no longer thinking like this, but why didn't your daughter place any value on her own happiness? On what she wants? What she needs? What is right for her baby? What would make her happy? What is right for her? Doesn't she place more value on any of those things than giving abusive people what they demand?

Submitting to abusive people in the name of "making them happy" is never successful and is not healthy. Abusive people just want as much power over you as they can possibly obtain.

Isadora2007 · 14/12/2018 19:45

@ashvivienne firstly how is your dd doing? This must be hugely stressful for her. Sadly I know what you will be going through- my grandson is 3 months old and we’ve already had to involve lawyers due to horrible ex and his family. Do feel free to message me and if your dd wanted to contact mine we could get them connected.

Woooman · 14/12/2018 19:45

These people are just proving time and time why they shouldn't be given access to the baby. They have called your dd a slag for getting pregnant, sent abusive texts, demanded access to the baby, said that your dd can't stop them and have now maliciously called social services. There isn't one positive thing they have done during your dd's pregnancy. They are not interested in your dd and her welfare and the amount of stress and upset they have caused shows that actually the mother and baby's welfare are at the bottom of their list of priorities. It's a control thing. If your dd lets them have access then they will continue to be abusive to her as they'll ask for more and more and she'll feel obliged to give them what they want in fear of what they'll do if she upsets them, they will never respect her and they will demonstrate that lack of respect in front of the child. Your dd needs to ignore them from now on. The more she engages with them the more irate they will become.

BrendasUmbrella · 14/12/2018 19:47

Make sure to show SS the texts your DD received so that they can log the complaint as a potentially malicious one. I hope your DD has now decided to cut them off. If she blocks their numbers and doesn't circulate information about her pregnancy/baby where they can hear about it, hopefully they'll go away. They do not sound like the kind of people anyone should be inviting into their baby's life...

gudrunandtheseeress · 14/12/2018 19:47

This is a horrible time for you and DD, but I think you need to have little fear that SS will not see the father's family's words for what they are.

They did not want dear DGC to exist, but now that she/he does they are demanding access as their legal right. Unbelievable, and more to the point, why?? They want to treat DGC as their possession FGS. It would be irresponsible of SS to facilitate any contact under those circumstances.

Can you set communications from the father's family to divert straight to you so that you can monitor them but not upset DD?

BrendasUmbrella · 14/12/2018 19:49

And they have no rights. The only possible route they have is through their son. Even then, he would have to go through a legal process to gain access, and if he's not enthusiastic it probably won't happen.

If they look into all this they will see their son has more immediate rights if he is listed on the birth certificate, so be suspicious if he suddenly asks to be there.

Tellem2 · 14/12/2018 19:52

Mind the GPs don't try to do something crazy. Or worse the father ends up with full custody if she's not careful. Seem like the kind of grandparents that would undermine the mother in front of child.

BewareOfDragons · 14/12/2018 19:55

Be ready with the vile, abusive and harassing texts on Monday. Also have your agreement with your ex to not be involved ready. Tell them they've been nothing but bullying, vile and abusive about the pregnancy since she told him she was pregnant, then suddenly started demanding access to the baby, who isn't even here yet, and threatening her with their 'rights'. When she finally asked them to leave her alone, they called SS.

Tell them you're both scared of them at this point, because you don't know what they'll try next. Tell them you planned to tell the midwives that you don't want them storming the hospital (as if they could) and that it's stressing her during the pregnancy. Ask if malicious complaints to SS can be prosecuted.

Go on the quiet, worried offensive.

madmum5811 · 14/12/2018 19:57

This is just so shocking your poor DD. Unfortunately there are vexatious litigant types in this world.

gudrunandtheseeress · 14/12/2018 19:59

Mind the GPs don't try to do something crazy. Or worse the father ends up with full custody if she's not careful. Seem like the kind of grandparents that would undermine the mother in front of child.

Respectfully, I would suggest that this is a highly unlikely scenario. In this instance it is beneficial that SS are involved so they can safeguard the child and mother in full knowledge of the abuse and intimidation from the father's family.

YY to leaving father's name blank on the baby's birth certificate, and a restraining order to prevent further harassment.

MycatsaPirate · 14/12/2018 19:59

Sounds to me like the parents have shot themselves in the foot. Let SS in and welcome them. Explain everything and then ask how to report malicious reports made about them. Report it to the police and then use it all to get a non molestation order against the parents.

Sounds like they are vile and she is well shot of the entire family.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 14/12/2018 20:01

Your poor DD, they're the last thing she's needs at the end of pregnancy.

On the other hand they've shot themselves in the foot by calling SS so hopefully they'll have got bored of harassing by the time s/he arrives. Show SS all the message & as pp have said, print them out so they have copies.

Flowers for you both.

YouCanCallMeJodieWho · 14/12/2018 20:02

Your poor DD. They sound extremely unpleasant.
YY to not naming father on birth certificate.

bertielab · 14/12/2018 20:06

Log it all with the police as well. Screen shot and print all texts.

Laine21 · 14/12/2018 20:06

Definitely make a report to the police, ask if a family officer or one specialising in harassment / bullying /stalking can visit you at home to take the complaint and give advice.