To tell DD not to give other grandparents access

[ashvivienne]

DD1 is in the late stages of pregnancy she wasn’t in a relationship with the father and after telling him she was pregnant he screamed and shouted at her then she received some of the most awful texts I’ve ever seen including ones from his parents calling her a slag and denying their grand child.
After 4 weeks the father sat down with DD where she gave him the ultimatum of being in for the long run or being out forever which is the decision he made and she has accepted that she is doing this alone which she has taken well. After this they messaged her and said there was no way in hell they weren’t seeing the baby which she didn’t respond to.
She has now been receiving text messages again from the boys mum saying she wants to see her grandchild and there’s nothing DD can do to stop her. DD hasn’t responded to the messages and this has lead to a text saying she will show up to the hospital if need be. DD is wondering if she should just make everyone happy and let them visit.
I’ve told her it’s obviously up to her but I don’t want them in our house (DD still lives with us) and I wouldn’t allow them access after all the abuse.

Or worse the father ends up with full custody if she's not careful.

How exactly would that happen?

Well they sound delightful!

I’d be very honest with social services so you’ve got an official record of their dreadful behaviour should they try the same shit again.

She has now been receiving text messages again from the boys mum saying she wants to see her grandchild and there’s nothing DD can do to stop her.

This woman is delusional. Of course your DD can stop her from seeing her child - she's her mother, and the father is out of the picture by his own choice.

You should really go to the police about this now and inform social services that you/your DD is seeking to put measures in place legally to stop them having contact so that they can see that she is willing to do what it takes to safeguard her child. I how that all thoughts of wavering have been pushed to the back of her mind though after this!

I'm not lawyer, but i wouldn't take the woman's threats lightly. She's saying it with all her might she's thinks it's her right, and the only way she has right is through her son. He may not be interested but she is. The daughter needs to 'lawyer up' as my friend would say.

Wow what a bastard of a family

I hope your dd never gives them access as I dread to think what poisonous thoughts they would give the child about their mother.

I agree with disclosing everything to SS and giving the police a heads up too.

That way if calls keep being made, you have a place to report and eventually file a restraining order

How is ok to bring a child into the world knowing the birth father doesn’t want it?
Once a woman is pregnant the father has no say about what happens to her body. The mother wants the child, that is enough. Or are you suggesting that the pregnancy should be aborted because that might be what the father wants? That a woman should be forced to go through an abortion she doesn't want?

OP your daughter needs to tell the midwife and every HCP she sees from now on that the father's family is threatening her and harassing her so it is recorded on her notes. As PP said she needs to show SS the messages and tell them they are scaring her. Finally she should log each message with the police starting with the existing messages. *She must not respond to any of them."

She also needs to come off social media and block connected friends'/acquaintances until after the baby is registered. The father has no PR if he doesn't come to register the birth so I suggest your DD decides on names and registers the birth as soon as she can get an appointment after the birth. Unfortunately they have cut the number of registry offices so she may have a 10 day to 21 day wait.

OP, you've been given a very useful advance warning about two things. First, these people are absolutely batshit crazy and should never be near the baby, much less alone with him/her. Secondly, they don't play nice and will do anything they can think of to get either what they want or revenge for not getting it.

It's a real shame but I think you will have to be really meticulous about documenting and reporting every last thing. This is harassment and the police will be able to advise your daughter about how to best record evidence and keep herself and the baby safe.

This is a very traumatic thing to be going through, but it does sound like your daughter is fortunate to have loving and supportive parents. I wish you all well.

Adults have responsibilities, not rights

A child has a right to grow up with a knowledge of / involvement of its whole family. If your daughter feels that it is in her child's best interests not to be involved with her father's family immediately (and given their behaviour so far that seems reasonable) she should think about how she will inform her child about its father and how she will facilitate access and communication should her child wish it.

If your daughter is adult, YWBU to 'tell [her] not to give other grandparents access'.

The social services visit could well turn out to be a good thing, and provide your daughter with evidence that she is being reasonable and the other family are not.

MusicalMouse

What a ridiculous comment. Are you suggesting the mother should be forced to abort her child because the father wants that?

Perhaps them phoning SS will go in your DD's favour, not that she has done anything wrong, far from it but id hope that SS see that his family are not to be trusted around her and the baby and they get told to stay well away. Sending to your dd it cant be easy being in her shoes right now. Shes lucky to have you and DH on her side helping her out

So they get the unwelcome news that their son has got someone pregnant and they insult her. She gives him the choice to opt out and he takes it and they then decide they have rights to the child and will turn up at the hospital. They are asked to not harass your daughter and they call SS. I can only agree that your dd should do whatever she can to keep them out of her and her child's lives.

Firstly your dd does not have to have them in hospital, she should inform the MW of the situation, so they can make sure they do not come when she is in hospital. I would be of the stance, that if they want access they can go to court for it. I would delete and block their number on your phone, and get a new sim card too.

Given what you’ve said about your support for your daughter practically and emotionally, and what shocking things the other gps have sent her I think having some 1:1 time with a social worker to lay it all out might be a good thing. They will see it’s malicious, I’m sure. You could ask if they would write stating anything in support of a non-mol.

Unfortunately these people sound like bullies who will only listen when court orders and police get involved.

My relative got pregnant as a teen and her bfs parents were shocked. Like many people might, they were upset and they said things like “how are you going to support the baby” and “are you sure this is a good idea” “isn’t this going to ruin your life” etc ... they later apologised for making it seem like they wanted to pressure her into a termination. They never, never called her a slut or demanded access or otherwise abused her.

Decent people might say unwise things or express disappointment. They don’t threaten and they don’t abuse a pregnant woman.

I agree with putting the sim in another phone and putting it in a drawer switched off (preferably one of your drawers so your DD doesn't even get to see it). This will allow the dreadful family to dig their own grave as the abusive messages will continue.

Absolutely print out the messages to date and provide them to SS.

Part of me agrees with informing the police, as this is definitely harassment, however I would be a bit concerned about upping the ante and the potential consequences. If SS have logged the time of the phonecall, there are ways that the police can identify the number that made the call, even if it was anonymous of your DD does decide to report it as harassment. Having the crime number of harassment may help to ward off any future attempts by the father to gain PR.

As a cautionary tale, my friend got pregnant to a guy. He was awful - a white supremicist, violent to her, and bi-polar. She ended the (brief) relationship before her baby was born. She didn't put him on the birth certificate.

He made disclosures to medical staff that he intended to kill her and the baby, and there was a SS recommendation that he should never have access to the baby unsupervised. Despite all this, when he went to court to gain parental responsibility, the court granted it. Thankfully he lost interest when he had to fund taxis for a family member to supervise contact at a contact centre, and the child didn't instantly run into his arms (I'm still so proud of her that even at such a tiny age she had the ability to display utter disdain for this bloke).

I'm not trying to scaremonger. The stress that my friend went through was awful. He got PR, despite all of the indications to the contrary. So although reporting this to the police as harassment may be a red rag to a bull, it might be worth going through that to get a strong evidential base should the father ever change his mind about contact.

YY to also locking down all social media, priming any mutual friends (hopefully there are none), getting a new number.

I think it is lovely that your circumstances are such that you have a granny flat where your DD and her baby can have their own space with you onsite. Win win win all round.

I would not trust them and would fight against them haveing any contact, however if they do build up a contact arrangement they can be given access via court

I'm not seeing any chance of this. I have no idea why you wrote this. It seems highly unlikely and can only cause concern to the OP. Scare mongering and silly.

Good luck with your pregnancy- do not give an inch to them.

The swapping SIM cards and you keeping it is a very good idea.
Dd doesn't get to see any messages, but you can access them and record them to use in the future if you need to - but, whatever you do, don't ever respond to them.

Wait until you've spoken with SS. Show them everything. Tell them everything. See what they say; they'll probably draw a line under the one visit and leave you alone. Maybe ask their advice on dealing with the situation; they will have been here before. Then go to the police about this as it is harasment and there are steps you can take to keep them away. They probably won't stop at one false complaint so you need to strike before they do again.

I'm not really sure how it works, but even if it were the case that the ex could get parental responsibility (whether or not contact goes with that), surely the grandparents would need the ex to cooperate with that - and if he did, wouldn't he then be on the hook for child maintenance?

I can well imagine this guy resisting that pretty strenuously - in which case the grandparents could never even prove that they were related to the baby, let alone get any sort of access?

I just can't see them having any sort of rights, without proving a link through their son, who has already decided not to be involved and is unlikely to want to be paying for the next 18 years so they can have this contact (even though morally he should pay maintenance - but I can understand why DD would rather cut him out completely!)

@windgardium8 - the grandparents can go to court on their own and ask the court to grant permission for them to go to court so they can arrange to have contact with the child. They would need to show in each court proceedings it is in the child's best interests.

So yes the grandparents could have rights to see the child but they have to go through at least two court processes to obtain them. This isn't cheap.

That would involve proving the child was their grandchild though wouldn’t it amy?

Oh and child maintenance has absolutely nothing to do with parental responsibility in the UK.

So even if you aren't on the birth certificate you can be chased for child maintenance. It is then up to you to pay for a DNA test to prove you aren't the child's father otherwise you pay up. However paying maintenance gives you no parental responsibility.

Also some ex-step-parents are responsible for paying child maintenance for ex-step-children if the couple were married/in a civil partnership for over 3 years and if the other parent isn't around.