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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD not to give other grandparents access

204 replies

ashvivienne · 13/12/2018 23:37

DD1 is in the late stages of pregnancy she wasn’t in a relationship with the father and after telling him she was pregnant he screamed and shouted at her then she received some of the most awful texts I’ve ever seen including ones from his parents calling her a slag and denying their grand child.
After 4 weeks the father sat down with DD where she gave him the ultimatum of being in for the long run or being out forever which is the decision he made and she has accepted that she is doing this alone which she has taken well. After this they messaged her and said there was no way in hell they weren’t seeing the baby which she didn’t respond to.
She has now been receiving text messages again from the boys mum saying she wants to see her grandchild and there’s nothing DD can do to stop her. DD hasn’t responded to the messages and this has lead to a text saying she will show up to the hospital if need be. DD is wondering if she should just make everyone happy and let them visit.
I’ve told her it’s obviously up to her but I don’t want them in our house (DD still lives with us) and I wouldn’t allow them access after all the abuse.

OP posts:
Avrannakern · 15/12/2018 00:00

@wingardium8

You're confusing 2 separate things.

Parental responsibility = paying child maintenance

Parental rights = having access to the child

You need to be on the birth certificate to have parental rights. You don't need to be on the north certificate to be forced to pay for your child.

Child maintenance and child access are kept completely separate. Paying child maintenance does not grant you access. And refusing to pay child maintenance unless you get to see the kids is very much frowned upon. If he or his parenrs go to court and mention paying maintenance in the same breath as access to the child, they'll be told one has nothing to do with the other.

JustABetterPlayer · 15/12/2018 00:05

They are the child’s biological grandparents, unless they are dealers or the like you’re being extremely unfair.

Unicornandbows · 15/12/2018 00:13

Keep them the hell away from your daughter. They are probably trying to get custody of the baby.

HestiaParthenos · 15/12/2018 00:18

Keep them the hell away from your daughter

This.

After how they treated her, they have no right at all to see the child.

Sakura7 · 15/12/2018 00:21

Justabetterplayer have you actually read the thread or just the title? They have been downright abusive on multiple occasions, have threatened the OP's daughter and made a malicious call to social services. How on earth can they expect to see the child after that?

Original poster
ashvivienne · 15/12/2018 02:49

We’ve printed all the texts out tonight after DD emailed them to me and we’ve put them all in a file along with a document DD made the father sign saying from there onwards he was taking nothing to do with the baby.
I’ve told her from now on there’s no response and although they’ve clearly phoned SS they’ve sent more texts this evening which we will print over the weekend.
DDs socials are all very private and the father and DD don’t have many mutual friends so we are fine on the social media front luckily.
We are more than ready for the social worker I believe - even bought a nice pack of marks and Spencer’s biscuits for her coming round.

OP posts:
Ninabean17 · 15/12/2018 06:01

This is just awful. Glad you've got everything printed, hopefully they'll see this for exactly what it is and it won't go any further. If anything, gp's have now ruined any chance they may have had to see the baby. They sound like horrible people.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 15/12/2018 07:15

Im assuming the gp's are on this thread or friends are. I cannot imagine anyone giving the awful advice to consider their feelings and to be fair to them!

anniehm · 15/12/2018 07:36

Whilst they have few legal rights, she needs to consider the advantages of the child knowing their other relatives on a limited basis. The reaction at the beginning isn't excusable but you also don't know what their son said to them I've heard men express that a woman "tricked" them into getting them pregnant for instance.

Now they are used to the idea they want to see their own flesh and blood - not unreasonable. I suggest that you respond saying you will text them soon after the birth and you can then arrange them to meet their grandchild when you are ready to have other visitors (keep it flexible, I actually was desperate for visitors in hospital because of the timing of the birth and I wasn't tired at all after, for others they are exhausted).

anniehm · 15/12/2018 07:41

To those saying don't name the father - 2 things, he can go to the court to add his name so if he expresses a wish to be named it's simpler just to do it at registration (this doesn't give parental responsibility) and secondly if she needs to claim benefits other than child benefit they will seek information about the father - the state seeks money to support kids from both parents.

NameChangeOhNameChange1 · 15/12/2018 07:43

Absolutely well done on getting that scumbag to sign a document. Well done. They sound like lunatics and this is the last thing you all need right now.
Sounds like you're doing everything right.

londonrach · 15/12/2018 07:44

Block the number. This new law re grandparents seeing grandchildren only works if they have already got a relationship which in this case they havent. They sound abusive. Id be tempted to log it with the police as can see this getting worse after baby is born. Dd needs to keep herself and baby safe x

OliviaStabler · 15/12/2018 07:53

Now they are used to the idea they want to see their own flesh and blood - not unreasonable.

Have you RTFT? If so how could you seriously suggest that they are given access? They are harassing a pregnant woman and have called ss on her out of spite. No way in hell would they have access to my dd and grandchild in light of what they have done.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 15/12/2018 07:56

From previous poster:
"
To those saying don't name the father - 2 things, he can go to the court to add his name so if he expresses a wish to be named it's simpler just to do it at registration (this doesn't give parental responsibility) and secondly if she needs to claim benefits other than child benefit they will seek information about the father - the state seeks money to support kids from both parents.
"

Explicitly, putting a name on birthday certificate gives parental responsibility in law. How else do you think legal parental responsibility comes about? Confused

Unmarried parents cannot put down the other parent's details without the person being present. So actually, given the ex doesn't want anything to do with the baby, OP's daughter CANNOT add his name to the birth certificate. She cannot force parental responsibility on the father.

At no point has OP suggested her daughter will be applying for (or indeed in need of) state benefits. OP has clearly described the family home as suitable for daughter & grandchild to live independently.

Yes the father has options open to him to be added to the birth certificate - that involves court. And money.

As has been stated many times, grandparents (including the OP!) have no rights to a relationship with their grandchildren. CHILDREN have a right to maintain pre-existing relationships with their grandparents if it is in their interest.

No relationship with grandparents from before birth, no grounds for visitation.

@OP I wish your family every best wish for the future. I am sure you will do as much as you can to support your daughter keeping those ridiculous, awful people away from her and her baby.

Sistersofmercy101 · 15/12/2018 07:58

Anniehm - your 'advice' is dangerously incorrect!
Putting him on the birth certificate as the father means that he has automatic legal parental responsibility! Which in turn means that IF he chose to agree to visit and 'go for a walk with baby' and then didnt return the baby - do you know what the police would do? They'd say 'is he on the bc? Yes? Oh, nothing we can do. '
If he is not named on the birth certificate, he has to take a petition to court which gives OPS dd the chance to show her evidence that he and his family has been abusive and are not trustworthy.

Sistersofmercy101 · 15/12/2018 08:02

wittyname thank you for your post it is spot on! Smile Flowers

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 15/12/2018 08:08

Hi OP. I can't add a great deal to the excellent advice about no contact, but I suggest you and DD get the harassment case against the other grandparents started immediately. The Act provides for two tracks, civil and criminal. You want to use the criminal track, especially if there is any history of violence or the threat of it. If that's a non-starter, you can go through the county court for an injunction with a power of arrest attached. You need to do this ASAP, before the baby arrives. It will also have the bonus of frightening the GPs off, or causing them to kick off at the police. That'll do them no good at all.

Yulebealrite · 15/12/2018 08:08

Appeal to the social worker for their advice. Show how reasonable you are offering m&s naice biscuits is definitely more than reasonable

blackcat86 · 15/12/2018 08:08

Your poor DD. I don't doubt she'll fly through the SS visit but a few top tips from someone who has worked in children's services - the biscuits are a good idea. Don't be offended if the social worker doesn't eat them. They'll be noted either way. Have DDs pregnancy notes ready to show that she's gone to all of her antenatal appointments, accidentally include a nice scan photo. If she hasn't already, get DD signed up to an nct course of similar and get out anything she's got for baby depending on how far along she is. If she's ready to put together bits in the annexe then fab. The more ready she can show SS she is the better. Good luck.

I would be ignoring the gps. They have a whiff about them of people who would have baby to visit and make up malicious reasons to not give them back. They've been clear that they prioritise their perceived rights without any intention of building a good relationship with your DD. Also you and DD don't actually know these people and what they've shown you isn't great.

ihatehoney · 15/12/2018 08:27

Just read the full thread, good luck to your daughter for the SS visit on Monday, she'll be fine💐 how old is she OP as people have been referring to the dad as 'boy' xx

GinandGingerBeer · 15/12/2018 09:06

I'm sure it will go well on Monday, SS have seen it many times before unfortunately, what a complete waste of resources.
They're actually playing nicely into your dds hands by continuing to text, although I guess your dd could do without it, try and get her to think of it as evidence rather than harassment if she can.

clairedelalune · 15/12/2018 09:07

I would be using the ss visit to your advantage. This is also an opportunity to express concerns about them to ss- make sure you show them the file of docunented abuse.
Courts, remember, go with what is in the best interests of the child. They don't like children being used as pawns. The sperm donors fam are likely to find themselves with a ss case against them due to their abusive nature. Despite signing to say he is not interested i believe he could retract that, but it will not look good for him

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 15/12/2018 09:42

Is your dd planning to claim child support from the child's father?
Bearing in mind that this is not connected to access, she might want to consider it.

billybagpuss · 15/12/2018 09:47

Really good luck on Monday, I'm sure you'll all sail through.

Flowers such a horrid situation.

Rogueone · 15/12/2018 10:03

My ex many years ago reported me to social services for being a ‘drug addict’. (I wasn’t) Anonymously but it was obvious it was him as he had lost the plot as I had the audacity to date someone else 2 years after we split up. It was terribly stressful and I had to go to the SS offices for an interview. I was a full time working parent whose DC went to nursery. They had already been in touch with the nursery. Whilst they didn’t admit it was my ex when I said it was likely to have been him they said that’s usually the case. Case closed and this was brought up in the family courts and he got no access to his DS. It wasn’t just based on that but a culmination of events including abusive calls, messages and police involvement. Your DD ex family are making it very easy for the outcome to be the same....good luck with it all!