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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boxing day at MIL's

294 replies

MilStrikesAgain789 · 13/12/2018 14:37

DH has told Mil that we will go to her house for boxing day as a compromise for not going on Christmas day.
The problem is her house is almost a 2 hour drive away in the car with alot of traffic and my 12 month old DC hates being in his car seat. He can last about an hour in the car by distracting him with some peppa pig but that only works for so long and he gets really upset and starts to cry alot. Nothing seems to calm him down, tried milk, water, food, toys, singing but he hates being confined for that long (he hates his pram for that reason as well). Most of the journey is on a motorway or stuck in traffic so not alot of opportunity to pull over and take him out of the seat to calm him down, and once he has calmed down he is very reluctant to get back in the car seat. He is also worse when the car isn't moving, so the traffic makes him more upset.
WIBU to suggest my DH goes on his own so that my DC doesn't have to have a long journey which he will hate and cry for alot of the journey. Or any suggestions on how to calm a crying baby while traveling on a motorway or stuck in traffic. Mil is really keen on us all going saying how much she is looking forward to it.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/12/2018 10:16

Obviously you know whether a trip to your MIL is worth it.

We have done long journeys with a DD who screamed at the sight of her car seat. It was all cured when a 5hr journey turned into a 10hr one due to the M25 being closed and we were all diverted through central London! She basically gave up crying in the end, we had to do feeds and nappy changes in the car, stopped where ever we could. She's 9yo now and travels fine, so wasn't mentally scarred.

If the journey is worth it, you can either stop regularly or (in our case) if this doesn't really help, we just drove straight on through. I sat in the back so I knew DD was safe but we just turned the music up! We had good relationships with those we were visiting, so the horrid journey was worth it, for everyone, including DD.

Weenurse · 14/12/2018 10:20

Phenrgan for me too. DD2 got car sick so phenergan for anti nausea as well as sedation

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/12/2018 10:21

How often does MIL see your DS OP?

SassitudeandSparkle · 14/12/2018 10:35

Yes, I think a lot of posters suspected that despite saying your house wasn't big enough for your MIL and family that your parents would be coming on Christmas Day!

You don't want to go because you don't like your MIL. Using your baby as an excuse is passive aggressive too! Your MIL offered to come up - refused. You've refused to travel down to her. Your DH's wishes don't seem to count here and it's hard to see how this is going to end well.

ShesABelter · 14/12/2018 10:38

Get the train

aconcertpianist · 14/12/2018 10:47

How does your husband feel? After all, he is willing to entertain his in-laws on Christmas Day. Would you be happy if he told you that it would be too stressful to see your family on Christmas Day?

If you really don't want to see your in-laws, is it possible that you could cancel seeing your parents on Christmas Day? That way, you can have a clear conscience about treating both sets of parents equally. Otherwise, it does seem a bit unfair.

ladydickisathingapparently · 14/12/2018 10:47

Ah, so your child is only 12 months (a year old then Wink) and you’re already a better MIL than yours.

Step down everyone. OP knows everything and doesn’t need our help.

Here’s the answer you want. Don’t go. You obviously don’t like your MIL for reasons that have nothing to do with this visit or the drive or your baby crying. Have the balls to tell your DH this so he and his family know exactly who you are.

GlitterStick · 14/12/2018 11:00

Not read all of the thread. When do you see your parents over Xmas? Seems a bit unfair if he doesn't see them Christmas Day or before and you're begrudging Boxing Day too.
I see DH's Xmas Day and we go to mine Boxing Day - I'd be pissed off if made clear didn't want to go then!
I get kids are pains in the arses in cars. Mine are too. 2 hours or less though is doable. Time it for nap time, make sure well fed etc. Take distractions such as sticker books/ dvd etc.
Definitely don't drug them for peace like the suggestion upthread! Hmm

GlitterStick · 14/12/2018 11:02

12 months?! FFS lol. Does as they're bloody told at that age! Grin
Nap time. Forget sticker book, thought you were on about whingy toddlers.

dreamingofsun · 14/12/2018 11:14

glitter....u should try and read the whole thread its quite interesting how people's perspectives differ

Yidette86 · 14/12/2018 11:35

Sass... Completely agree, it all seems rather passive aggressive, I'm actually feeling sorry for the MIL as she's obviously tried to compromise but the OP isn't willing to (using space and what is apparently expected of her as a host as an excuse - never mind just providing what you can and if they don't like it, it's on them).

I do feel the baby is being used as an excuse, there's obviously some sort of animosity towards the inlaws, the name gives it away, it does beg the question of how involved her parents are and how often does DH get to see his without any dramas.

Holidayshopping · 14/12/2018 12:16

I feel sorry for your mil. I presume your husband would quite like to see his family though!

Lydiaatthebarre · 14/12/2018 12:19

[See when I'm a MIL, I'm going to say to my kids "we'd love to see you at Christmas, what's the easiest way we can get together?" Dead easy, and then nobody will have to tie themselves in knots trying not to be rude to me about my Christmas plans.]

Come back to us when you're a MIL.

You do realise that what's the 'easiest' way for one child might not be the easiest way for another. Or that you might have an awkward DIL who finds problems in every arrangement. Or that your children might live on opposite sides of the country. Or that one of your children might have a PIL whose wishes or needs cause complications for your availability?

It's easy to talk now about how simple it will be.

Kikidelivers · 14/12/2018 12:20

**olivertwistwantsmore

We took our dc to see dss from when they were newborn - 4 hours each way. No, it was the opposite of fun a lot of the time, but tough, they had to get used to it.

Newborn: “Tough they had to get used to it”

Bloody hell.

GlitterStick · 14/12/2018 12:29

I can see where the "get used to it" posters are coming from.
Screw never going anywhere as they cry too much in the car, better they DO get used to it, because nap time nappy wearing babies are a hell of a lot easier to get used to them than whingy, crying "are we there yet?" "I need a wee!" "Mumeee, he's hitting meeee!" "Arewethereyet arewethereyet arewethereyet aaaaaaaaaaarhgh lol

EKGEMS · 14/12/2018 14:39

The person who wrote Phenergan you are out of your mind to suggest such a thing for a one year old! I've seen full grown adults react to that Rx adversely! Sedating a child is tricky their higher metabolism requires large doses and should be left for medical professionals when medically necessary! (I'm an RN)
My son hated his car seat for a very long time and screamed bloody murder all the way to and from wherever we drove to-I sympathize OP.

Amaried · 14/12/2018 14:58

Honestly I always find mil get a raw deal on here. She wants to see her granddaughter, is happy to
Host everyone and you won't do a two hour journey cause your child will probably cry for some of it. Am sure your Dh is only dying to show her off. Don't me so mean.

olivertwistwantsmore · 14/12/2018 15:19

Newborn: “Tough they had to get used to it”
Bloody hell.

What, kikidelivers? So we should have stopped seeing dss??

combatbarbie · 14/12/2018 15:57

Is he rear facing by any chance?

My youngest used to hate the car, we lived in Germany and came back to UK once or twice a year driving and overnight ferry And drove over Europe for holidays. Unfortunately you or rather the child has to suck it up sometimes. We used to drive through the night which helped but she was fine once she was forward facing.

If train isn't a possibility I'd be inclined to go early morning in the hope he goes back to sleep but warn MIL off you'll be knocking her up at 7am

Bringbackbertha · 14/12/2018 16:12

I wouldn't recommend knocking up the MIL that crosses alot of boundaries

Kikidelivers · 14/12/2018 16:50

@olivertwistwantsmore

You did 8 hour round trips with a newborn to see your dad.

Adult dss? In which case, no I absolutely would not have visited adult dss during that time

Child dss? Difficult one. Interested why “visiting” and not him staying with you at his father’s home

Kikidelivers · 14/12/2018 16:54

your dss

Davespecifico · 14/12/2018 16:56

Reasons not to go: you dislike her because she's not nice, the journey, she's invited you knowing it'll be a struggle with the baby
Reasons to go: she wants to see son and grandchild, 2 hours isn't that long, your parents are coming for Christmas day.
On balance, I think you should go and turn the other cheek. If after a difficult journey, she is vile, then you have reasons to say no in the future.

Lizzie48 · 14/12/2018 17:04

I'm another one who thinks the car journey is just an excuse not to go; car journeys are always hard with young children, you just suck it up TBH.

You may not like her and think her manipulative, but your DH obviously does want her in his life, and for her to have a relationship with her DGS. He's been happy to have your parents stay for Christmas, so you should be supportive of him wanting to include his DM. You haven't included anything that she does that's actually abusive, you just don't get on with her.

I don't get on all that well with my MIL, but I'm supportive of her having a relationship with my DH and DDs.

altiara · 14/12/2018 17:15

If it’s nearly 2 hours away in traffic, then how far away is it not in traffic? Less than an hour? There shouldn’t be too much traffic on Boxing Day.

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