Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boxing day at MIL's

294 replies

MilStrikesAgain789 · 13/12/2018 14:37

DH has told Mil that we will go to her house for boxing day as a compromise for not going on Christmas day.
The problem is her house is almost a 2 hour drive away in the car with alot of traffic and my 12 month old DC hates being in his car seat. He can last about an hour in the car by distracting him with some peppa pig but that only works for so long and he gets really upset and starts to cry alot. Nothing seems to calm him down, tried milk, water, food, toys, singing but he hates being confined for that long (he hates his pram for that reason as well). Most of the journey is on a motorway or stuck in traffic so not alot of opportunity to pull over and take him out of the seat to calm him down, and once he has calmed down he is very reluctant to get back in the car seat. He is also worse when the car isn't moving, so the traffic makes him more upset.
WIBU to suggest my DH goes on his own so that my DC doesn't have to have a long journey which he will hate and cry for alot of the journey. Or any suggestions on how to calm a crying baby while traveling on a motorway or stuck in traffic. Mil is really keen on us all going saying how much she is looking forward to it.

OP posts:
Owletty · 14/12/2018 17:35

OP, we regularly travel for hours to see family. And will be at Christmas.

But, I can understand you not wanting to do the journey as I don't like it either.

But to give the reason why they can't come to you is because they like starters and 3 desserts is s bit silly. Do starters and 3 desserts then and save on the travelling.

toomuchtooold · 14/12/2018 17:44

Lydiaatthebarre what you say is all true but the difference is, I won't be responsible for a small child when all of that happens. As an able bodied adult I don't need any special consideration, I travel and sleep in much the same way as other adults and there are lots of things I can do to make Christmas visits more bearable like booking myself into a hotel or going for a walk or doing the dishes. When my kids were babies one of them would only sleep in her cot in perfect darkness, they napped on a schedule, and I did baby led weaning. I know we were really, really awkward to host and we never really went anywhere in that first couple of years because of that. Lots of people had opinions about how over the top I was and how easy it would be to mess with the nap schedule and just put them in the car seat and they'll sleep etc etc but since none of those people had to deal with any of the consequences if it went wrong, I didn't listen, and if my kids have kids and their kids have mad-sounding rigid schedules or they're up till 10pm or whatever it is, I'll respect their choices around that in the way that I wish people had respected mine.

delboysskinandblister · 14/12/2018 18:29

@MILStrikesAgain789

Thanks for the update I wish you and your DS and DH very nice Happy Christmas! Xmas Grin.

You sound like a very kind and patient mother. Xmas Smile.

olivertwistwantsmore · 14/12/2018 18:50

You did 8 hour round trips with a newborn to see your dad.
No - down one day, back the next

Child dss? Difficult one.
Not really. You can't ignore existing dc because you have a baby!!

Interested why “visiting” and not him staying with you at his father’s home
Because otherwise dh's ex would not drive him. So dh would have had to drive to collect him, drive him back to ours, spend a night at ours then drive for 8 hours the next day!!

Kikidelivers · 14/12/2018 19:27

**
Interested why “visiting” and not him staying with you at his father’s home
Because otherwise dh's ex would not drive him. So dh would have had to drive to collect him, drive him back to ours, spend a night at ours then drive for 8 hours the next day!!**

Seriously, despite living 8 hour round journey away, your DP only got his son for one night at a time??

user1471592953 · 14/12/2018 20:07

Can you take the train with the twins while your DH drives? We don’t have twins but I usually travel with DC2 on the train. DC1 goes with DH by car. DC2 hates cars at the moment and the train journey is so much more pleasant!

Comeymemo · 14/12/2018 21:05

She will use silent treatment, passive progressiveness

I’m loving passive progressiveness. 😊

Cranky17 · 14/12/2018 21:30

Yeah I am seeing my parents on Christmas day, but they are coming to my house and my Dad will help with alot of the cooking.
Teach your child now that he has two families and both are equally important otherwise one day YOU will be stuck on your own with your ds visiting his wife’s family, be his role model now.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/12/2018 21:35

Teach your child now that he has two families and both are equally important otherwise one day YOU will be stuck on your own with your ds visiting his wife’s family, be his role model now

Very thought provoking words there.

Figgygal · 14/12/2018 21:39

Gosh you are full of excuses aren't you
Assuming she won't come to you a 2 hour drive isn't that far and Boxing Day isn't renowned for its traffic so it's likely even less

olivertwistwantsmore · 15/12/2018 10:24

@kikidelivers, yes, because a weekend is two days and dss had school to go to so we had to get him back for that? So it was usually easier for us to drive to his, stay in a hotel then drive home the next day.

Obviously we saw him for longer at holidays. I'm not sure why this is so hard for you to understand.

Dh's ex moved 4 hours away after they split up, yet never once took dss to see us. We had to do all the driving.

derxa · 15/12/2018 10:51

It was a good opportunity for DS to learn a life skill called fucking lump it. Grin Love it.

Abra1de · 15/12/2018 10:54

We used to leave home at 4am to drive 9-10 hours to the in-laws. Babies just get used to it.

derxa · 15/12/2018 11:03

Don't feel sorry for my Mil, she is very overbearing, controlling, and emotionally manipulative. She will use silent treatment, passive progressiveness and emotional blackmail when she doesn't get what she wants. I always find that whatever you think about someone they think exactly the same about you.

SunnyCoco · 15/12/2018 11:10

I guess you and your husband need to think which option do you both prefer

Going to theirs = Travelling for two hours

Or

Having them at yours = Making a starter and 3 deserts

Can’t really see either option is exactly a big deal but there you go.

Owletty · 15/12/2018 11:34

SunnyCoco my thoughts exactly!

I'd personally just do the starter and 3 desserts 🍰🍩🥮

SunnyCoco · 15/12/2018 12:19

@Owletty definitely!
Chocolate Yule log, mince pies, Christmas pud. Can’t go wrong

Owletty · 15/12/2018 12:23

👍🏻

dreamingofsun · 15/12/2018 12:27

apart from the overwhelming challenge of a starter and 3 deserts (could i add my suggestion of pate and toast) there isnt enough room apparently. DIL parents are obviously a lot smaller than MIL as they can fit in on christmas day.... maybe DIL should suggest MIL goes on a diet and then she can visit next year

KeepingEveryoneSafe · 15/12/2018 13:54

Shitty to use the one person mil wants to see as the reason why op can't/won't go.

Original poster
MilStrikesAgain789 · 15/12/2018 18:37

@delboysskinandblister Thanks and Wish you a happy Christmas too.

Having them at yours Not really an option because she expects the whole family together, so it would be about 9 adults in total and my house/ dining table isn't big enough. Some would need to eat their dinner on their laps to fit 9 adults eating dinner in my house, and Mil would never go for that. Also my family never had starters or deserts for Christmas dinner, it was always just a Sunday roast with more trimmings, so I only cook a roast for Christmas and don't bother with starters or deserts. So I don't see why in laws should demand starters and not just one desert but many if they come to my house, surely that is cheeky fucker territory? They would also dictate what time dinner was at and what meat i should cook, because Sil would loudly scoff and huff if it wasn't up to her standards.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/12/2018 18:50

Just send DH and DS and have done with it.

masterandmargarita · 15/12/2018 19:36

Well all your in-laws sound truly awful. I take it your dh was an aberration then? Hmm

PedroLostHisGlasses · 15/12/2018 20:02

My first HATED the car. Nothing worked. Nothing. However you say that yours is ok for up to an hour if you play Peppa Pig? (I'd have killed for that, mine would scream the second he was put in the car seat and not stop until he was taken out. He used to scream until he was choking on his own saliva.) I will give you the list of things we tried:

The radio, played at a louder volume than normal
Mirrors, so he can see you / himself
Someone sitting in the back with him
Food (only if someone sitting there)
Toys - interactive ones

He didn't need to "learn to get used to it", by the way, he just grew out of it. I took public transport everywhere for just over a year.

I think if yours is ok for an hour then you will be fine, as there really will be less traffic on Boxing Day.

SunnyCoco · 15/12/2018 20:05

Fuck me, you’re hard work op!