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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boxing day at MIL's

294 replies

MilStrikesAgain789 · 13/12/2018 14:37

DH has told Mil that we will go to her house for boxing day as a compromise for not going on Christmas day.
The problem is her house is almost a 2 hour drive away in the car with alot of traffic and my 12 month old DC hates being in his car seat. He can last about an hour in the car by distracting him with some peppa pig but that only works for so long and he gets really upset and starts to cry alot. Nothing seems to calm him down, tried milk, water, food, toys, singing but he hates being confined for that long (he hates his pram for that reason as well). Most of the journey is on a motorway or stuck in traffic so not alot of opportunity to pull over and take him out of the seat to calm him down, and once he has calmed down he is very reluctant to get back in the car seat. He is also worse when the car isn't moving, so the traffic makes him more upset.
WIBU to suggest my DH goes on his own so that my DC doesn't have to have a long journey which he will hate and cry for alot of the journey. Or any suggestions on how to calm a crying baby while traveling on a motorway or stuck in traffic. Mil is really keen on us all going saying how much she is looking forward to it.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 13/12/2018 18:58

This reply has been deleted

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MinecraftHolmes · 13/12/2018 19:35

I'm so pleased you came back to clarify that shatners Grin

ForalltheSaints · 13/12/2018 19:40

Unless part of your journey is near a sporting event or a large shopping centre, you will not have lots of traffic to contend with on Boxing Day.

delboysskinandblister · 13/12/2018 19:48

@MILStrikesAgain789

Do not be bullied by DH and your MIL into taking 12month when they have gone behind your back to do it. Your DH should have discussed this with you but as you don't want to put your kids through it then you do what you feel is best. MIL has had many years bringing up her DH so now it's your turn to bring up your child on your terms. You do not have to merely fit in with theirs. Xmas Wink

delboysskinandblister · 13/12/2018 19:53

@dreamingofstance

I would want DIL to do whatever she feels is best for her and her kids I would not dream of expecting her to drag child against their will if they really didn't want to. It works in our family and would never dream of manipulating anyone with the ''But We Took You To Stately Homes'' mindset.

delboysskinandblister · 13/12/2018 19:54

@RiverTam Xmas Biscuit

dreamingofsun · 13/12/2018 19:56

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/12/2018 19:57

Why do you think the MIL is manipulating the OP here Delboy? When she's merely invited her family over for Boxing Day?

ladydickisathingapparently · 13/12/2018 20:01

Not sure what to add here. There’s no room for compromise at Christmas then? The DH presumably wants to see his family on Boxing Day. So we all just do exactly as we please and never mind anyone else?

Threads like this make me feel nervous of ever being a MIL. I’ll be treading on eggshells.

delboysskinandblister · 13/12/2018 20:04

@dreamingofsun

but if she doesn't want DC to endure the car journey on Boxing Day then she shouldn't have to and there is an alternative as I have previously posted and without having to worry about drunks on the road at Christmas. We've always had a happy family Christmas and with all rellies taking the same approach no need to schlep across Home Counties or over any borders when we were little and have a very happy Christmas and no reason why OP can't have that too. Or MIL. She'll cope.

dreamingofsun · 13/12/2018 20:04

agreed ladyickisath....though it would be interesting to see about compromise if the shoe is on the other foot and DIL wants a favour....maybe older child needing looking after when having a second one

delboysskinandblister · 13/12/2018 20:05

@GreatDuckCookery

Because she has had the call with DH and they just decided between them no question to OP directly.

Racheyg · 13/12/2018 20:06

They way I see it....
You will be a mil one day. How would you feel ,if your dc said dgchild doesn't like the car so we can't come.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/12/2018 20:07

Something tells me that the OP would no be told what was happening by her DH or MIL somehow.

greendale17 · 13/12/2018 20:08

So your never going to travel anywhere that's more than an hour away by car?

^I didn’t when my DS was that age. The stress of him crying the entire journey in his car seat was horrible

dreamingofsun · 13/12/2018 20:09

delboy....sorry i cant spot the alternative that is ok for MIL? that allows her to see her grandchild....since her offer of visiting the DIL/DS was declined. I'm sure she will cope but its clearly not MIL idea of a great christmas...not seeing her grandchild.

And who are they to stop what can be a wonderful relationship. there are so many people on here complaining of grandparents ignoring grandkids, yet here is one who wants to spend christmas with hers, yet its a no go due to 2 hours travelling

Anon10 · 13/12/2018 20:19

It sounds like you don’t want to go. If you actually want to go, I would personally just time the journey with naptime so baby sleeps enroute. Will that work?
Or leave super early so there is no traffic. I’ve done loads of long journeys with my baby and toddler and it’s all about timing.

ladydickisathingapparently · 13/12/2018 20:23

Anon we always set off for the ILs no later than 7 ...our children are older now but when they were at that “awake by 5 am” stage we used to leave at 6 and be there by 8. No traffic on Boxing Day at 6 am, and that was going round the M25.

lulupeg · 13/12/2018 20:25

I have had 3 children who HATED the car until 15-18m. We could comfortably go about 15 mins with all of them before all hell broke loose, they would nap fitfully. I totally get why you wouldn't want to do it OP, it's agony listening to them so upset. We tried EVERYTHING. Music, white noise, silence, cartoons, playing, massively breaking up the journeys, snacks, reading, singing, sitting in the back, sitting in the front. The worst journeys were with my youngest when we would need to go somewhere and get stuck on the motorway and have the then-4 and 6 year old crying in distress at their brother's tears... We used to reduce journeys to the barest minimum, say no to things, invite people to ours, holiday v close to home - and I have taken many long distance trains with all 3 as infants. At 15-18m all 3 became amazing travellers. Literally brilliant and it happened overnight.

I know a tiny number of friends with babies like this so it's definitely a minority reaction - but if you've experienced an infant like this then you would understand not wanting to put them through it on Boxing Day.

OP I feel for you and I hope your baby follows our pattern - seemed like a cognitive shift where they started to get excited for trips out. Not long now if so!!

delboysskinandblister · 13/12/2018 20:30

dreamingofsun - this RJ45 cable won't stay put hence delay reply

The child's parents are not stopping a wonderful relationship OP just doesn't want to have to put DC through 2 hours of unnecessary/unwanted car journey on Boxing Day.

MIL will be fine because she will be learning the word 'no'.

It is ridiculous to drag a child across the country when DC mum is upset at the prospect just for the sake of Christmas when you don't want to. There will be other times and MIL can visit when convenient to the young family.

People move away and have private families and they don't need to manipulate with 'well we didn't get to see DC at Christmas so we're not going to help with the kids when you truly need us'.

quizqueen · 13/12/2018 20:32

It's only once a year you have to make this effort, the traffic won't be bad on Boxing Day and you can travel when it's your child's sleep time anyway. If you don't get your child used to car travel, you'll never be able to go anywhere. You're just making excuses for something YOU don't want to do. Grandparents are important in a child's life.

lulupeg · 13/12/2018 20:37

Quizqueen - see my comment above. My children needed to get a little bit older, they couldn't cope as infants. They didn't understand. It would be different is OP was talking about a 3 or 4yo but a 12m old cannot be reasoned with/disciplined into this - and also cannot explain what if is that is upsetting them. No need to catastrophise this situation into the tweens or teenage years.

RiverTam · 13/12/2018 20:50

MIL will be fine because she will be learning the word ‘no’

Yep, nasty nasty nasty.

delboysskinandblister · 13/12/2018 20:55

@dreamingofsun

p.s. It's not selfish to put DC needs before their MIL. A 12 month child does not feel 2 hours like an adult does it is a long time and a boring one when you are strapped in as a passenger and you have no choice but to go. That's not fair on the child. It's their Christmas. You wouldn't expect your own children to make your DGC go to see you would you? You would have your own life by then and if you see them great and if they don't want to then that's fine too. Because as acaring and selfless DGP as long as they are happy you would be happy.

PhaedrasChocolate · 13/12/2018 20:55

Omg. Telling the MIL the word no Hmm All she's done is ask to see her son and gc!

Just be honest OP, you're looking for any excuse to not go. I think you're being really mean actually. You barely see them, and a couple of days with them wouldn't kill you.

Blimey. So much for the season of goodwill.