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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boxing day at MIL's

294 replies

MilStrikesAgain789 · 13/12/2018 14:37

DH has told Mil that we will go to her house for boxing day as a compromise for not going on Christmas day.
The problem is her house is almost a 2 hour drive away in the car with alot of traffic and my 12 month old DC hates being in his car seat. He can last about an hour in the car by distracting him with some peppa pig but that only works for so long and he gets really upset and starts to cry alot. Nothing seems to calm him down, tried milk, water, food, toys, singing but he hates being confined for that long (he hates his pram for that reason as well). Most of the journey is on a motorway or stuck in traffic so not alot of opportunity to pull over and take him out of the seat to calm him down, and once he has calmed down he is very reluctant to get back in the car seat. He is also worse when the car isn't moving, so the traffic makes him more upset.
WIBU to suggest my DH goes on his own so that my DC doesn't have to have a long journey which he will hate and cry for alot of the journey. Or any suggestions on how to calm a crying baby while traveling on a motorway or stuck in traffic. Mil is really keen on us all going saying how much she is looking forward to it.

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 15/12/2018 20:33

So what’s the plan op, never go to mil’s again and never have them at yours?

FWIW why don’t you explain the situation about starters and desserts and lack of space. I’m sure they’d rather see their gs than have a pudding. But you clearly don’t want to go so stop using your ds as a pawn

ReflectentMonatomism · 15/12/2018 20:46

So I don't see why in laws should demand starters and not just one desert but many if they come to my house

Would they? Really? If they really are so lacking in manners and style as to go for dinner at someone else's house and demand the meal be to their precise requirements, they are indeed beyond the pale. But do they do this? Really?

RiverTam · 15/12/2018 20:59

I would expect a starter (or nibbles) and pudding for Christmas dinner, tbh - it’s not just a Sunday roast, after all, is it? And Christmas pudding and some kind of chocolate pud for those who don’t like Christmas pud.

And if I thought my DS and DIL didn’t fancy doing all that and they didn’t have the room anyway, I would invite them to mine.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/12/2018 21:08

It wouldn't matter if the inlaws only wanted a bacon butty for Christmas dinner, the OP would still pull her face and make some excuse not to host them. She comes across as really controlling and quite selfish, only thinking about herself and what she wants, never mind her husband and the fact he might want to see his parents over Christmas.

lau888 · 15/12/2018 21:41

Every child is different. If your child is going to cry non-stop for 2 hours and/or vomit, it is perfectly reasonable to avoid 2-hour car journeys. Either investigate alternative travel methods or decline the invitation. You can always spend Boxing Day on Skype so the family can see each other, minus travel vomit. FWIW, the cry-till-you-throw-up phase does eventually pass. You won't be stuck at home forever and it doesn't mean any siblings will definitely be the same. x

anniehm · 15/12/2018 21:45

How about very early in the morning when it's still dark? - hopefully will sleep. I could understand your reluctance if your baby was under 3 months but by now you just need to ignore them, within a couple of trips they stop moaning. It's important for your mil to see you and 2 hours away isn't very far.

R3b3kah · 15/12/2018 21:55

Judging by some of the comments on here I’m not surprised in the slightest some MIL’s don’t like their DIL’s

They want to see their grandchild and son over Christmas, yet there’s a big drama over a 2 hour car journey.

My 12 month old hates the car but I still have to travel for him to see family.
I have to use my phone for YouTube after a while, sometimes it works a treat and sometimes it don’t.

Sooo, you are being rather selfish. Suck it up and find ways to entertain for the final hour.

Amazonian27 · 15/12/2018 22:03

I would avoid going Boxing daycsuggesting meeting half way somewhere or invite them to you. I once went to in-laws 3 hours away on Boxing Day with one baby and one toddler weather was bad and traffic was horrendous as they lived not far from a very large shopping centre. Instead of a three hour journey it ended up nearly 6 hours. Kids were beyond themselves by the time we got there. MIL had gone to sales with My SIL so wasn’t even in when we got there leaving us with v quiet FIL. DH has to go to Asda for some food for us all as he had no idea when she would be back. When she finally got back from shops she said have you been to the Boxing Day sales x I said no we’ve been stuck in the car for 6 hours. Never again.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 15/12/2018 23:30

I don't blame you one little bit MIL. She didn't even want you to have the DC did she? I read your previous thread.

Huffabook · 15/12/2018 23:57

Couldn't your dh cook for his own family then - would save you the stress.

However, a 2 hr car journey really isn't too bad. We have to do 3 hrs to visit my family - we just stop for a break and get back on with. The dc can be difficult, but they have improved over time.

knittedjest · 15/12/2018 23:59

Delboy/OP Stop it. It's cringy. Everybody knows you are the same poster. If you want to do that you at least need to change the language up a little bit.

myrtleWilson · 16/12/2018 00:08

when you say it is almost 2 hours - actually how many miles is this journey OP?

Lovingbenidorm · 16/12/2018 00:18

You obviously don’t want to go, I don’t blame you tbh.
But I’m afraid it’s one of those things you gotta do.
I’d suggest listening to people’s advice re the journey with lo.

ladymariner · 16/12/2018 00:21

Stop making excuses, op, you sound ridiculous. It's your husband's family and it's only right he should want to see them. I'm guessing he has to put up with yours am lot?

delboysskinandblister · 16/12/2018 00:38

@knittedjest

Delboy/OP Stop it. It's cringy. Everybody knows you are the same poster. If you want to do that you at least need to change the language up a little bit.

In other words nobody 'knows'

I am not the OP I just agree and if we happen to speak the same language is it beyond the realms of possibilty that OP is not alone.

There are other posters and also some very nice adult, selfless MILs on here who wouldn't dream of imposing their expectations be it travel or dinner courses Confused on DIL/SIL just to see DGC.

Not surprisingly the nice MILs have a healthy and nice relationship with their DILs do so because they accept boundaries and that their children have made their own families now and sometimes a visit to relatives is not going to happen - for whatever reason be it practical or personal.

These are the MILs who don't try to live their lives vicariously through their children. You have children to give them life not control it once they have their own familes and then spit the dummy when you don't get their own way. That's not love.

Children are great but they get married and define their own family unit. If they have their own plans then so bit it. Accept it. I would never 'expect' an inlaw with a child to change their plans to accomodate a grown adult. There is more to life than just children. Xmas Smile

delboysskinandblister · 16/12/2018 00:43

p.s. the other thread on Not Losing Your Shit over Christmas would help a lot to those who feel Christmas travel is someting they feel they have to endure. It's very good.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3450310-Is-anyone-else-just-not-losing-their-shit-over-Christmas?pg=2#prettyPhoto

jessstan2 · 16/12/2018 00:45

Has MIL just suggested you go on Boxing Day or is she insisting on it?

I think in your position I would like to go but not spend a few nights there with lots of other people. I'd find that claustrophobic.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 16/12/2018 06:06

DH goes in the car on Boxing Day with the presents. You go on the train with your son on the 27th. You said she wants to see you for a few days, so job jobbed and DH gets to spend time with his family without you. Repeat in reverse.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/12/2018 06:40

Totally with you knittedjest.

Aridane · 16/12/2018 06:42

Excuses, excuses, excuses

Aridane · 16/12/2018 06:43

So the child cries ?

Aridane · 16/12/2018 06:44

Look - as you so clearly don’t want to go and can’t stand your DP’s mother, why don’t you own it and just have DP go with your DS?

swimmerforlife · 16/12/2018 07:05

Oh ffs having starters and pudding is hardly demanding, just go buy some crisps, nuts, mince pies, a trifle and chocolate mousse.

Orlande · 16/12/2018 07:20

I'd set off at bedtime.

If you really don't want to go though you don't have to - let your dh take ds.

fredleighton · 16/12/2018 07:29

You don't want to go and don't like your mother in law so stop making your child the excuse. It's not unreasonable to take a 1 year old on a 2 hour car journey and you're staying for a few days before the return. It's also not unreasonable for your mil to look forward to spending Boxing Day with her extended family. Making 3 puddings isn't a crime - I'll be hosting extended family on Boxing Day and offering a selection of puddings because I think it's nice for people to have a choice. Do they expect it? - yes, maybe, because it's something I always do and in my general experience people like tradition.

But then again perhaps my family don't want to come here either. It's a sad and sobering thought.

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