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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages through child

107 replies

Stephthegreat · 12/12/2018 23:08

Ds turned 4 in August and has struggled with reception particularly changing for sport.Ive been showing him at home how to dress and undress but he’s still finding it hard.Im upset because yesterday ds came home crying because the teacher said ‘you need to get your mummy to teach you to put your trousers on’.Ds is now very anxious and more worried than he was before and doesn’t want to go to school.

AIBU to wonder why the teacher couldn’t speak to me rather than passing a message through ds?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 12/12/2018 23:09

Because the teacher also has 29 other children to get dressed and undressed every time they do PE. And frankly, that is your job to teach your child, not hers.

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 12/12/2018 23:11

There are 10 children in the class

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 12/12/2018 23:12

She wasn't passing a message to you through him. She was telling him that he needs to learn to dress himself. She's right unless there's some other issue going on.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 23:15

it was a bit clumsy of her to say that ( and sexist assuming he has a daddy) I would mwntuon it to her one lick up and say how anxious he is. My ds struggled with these things,he was autumn born and i spent most of the previous year trying to teach him to dress himself. He was 4 then. Of course its harder for summer borns reception teachers know this.

Just for reassurance my boy is 8 now and fine to do things for himself!

MutedUser · 12/12/2018 23:15

The teacher didn’t do anything wrong I don’t think . Did he start school in September maybe she thinks she has been helping enough and they have been there for months now and should be dressing themselves. It is hard when they are so little OP I’m sure he will get the hang of it soon can you buy him trousers that he can pull on and off ?Thats what we did for the first year of primary .

FishFingersAndCustard11 · 12/12/2018 23:15

@bridgetreilly

And frankly, that is your job to teach your child, not hers.
Where did OP say that she was expecting the teacher to teach her child to dress themselves?

I'd have a word with the teacher op. Just say that you are teaching your DS to put them on, but he's taking a little time to learn it. The teacher wouldn't mind. Your DS should soon get the hang of it.

I don't think what the teacher said was a message to be passed on, I think it's more likely a passing comment to encourage DS to practice putting on his trousers at home with you.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 23:16

mention and pick up!

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 12/12/2018 23:17

The fact is that he is trying really hard to dress himself and we work with him at home to guide him but he’s just finding it hard.

He now thinks he’s rubbish and is very upset.I would rather the teacher have just spoke s to me in the playground.im there everyday and she’s also there!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 12/12/2018 23:19

What’s he finding hard? Can you switch the uniform to trousers he can just pull up? I very much doubt the teacher meant to upset him but rather was hoping you and he could solve the issue. (As he’s getting dressed each day at home IYSWIM.)

pumpkinpie01 · 12/12/2018 23:22

Why couldn’t she just help him if it’s only a class of 10? my son is in a class of 30 and his teacher helps him.

PossiblyPFB · 12/12/2018 23:23

Yep, teacher should speak to you & I would expect this to me mentioned in an end of term report, if you get those? (I get those from dd school?)

L’il PFB, aka DD (6) likes for us to help her dress still, and we enjoy that, but she definitely can do it by herself at school and could definitely already do it at Reception.

BUT the fact is you have been notified via the comments he’s passed on & so has he directly by his teacher & so you need to work on this with him - especially if it’s causing him anxiety.

There are way too many kids for them to individually help get dressed every time! It’s not on OP to expect otherwise. Talk to them if you must about communication but there aren’t many ways around the message being, he just needs to learn to do it for himself in Reception ! Smile

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 12/12/2018 23:23

He has pull up trousers but he’s just not coordinated,it takes him a long time but gets there in the end.We offer guidance at home and a lot of patience.

I just feel annoyed because ds is a real worrier and the teacher knows that.He is so upset and feels ashamed he can’t do what’s expected of him.At bedtime he was still worrying about it.Surely a quick word to me at pick up would have been better?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephthegreat · 12/12/2018 23:24

There are 10 children in the class!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 12/12/2018 23:26

She can’t talk to each parent about everything each child is struggling with though.
Can he sit on the floor to put them on? Is he trying to balance on one leg?

Haworthia · 12/12/2018 23:29

Well I think it’s a bit mean of the teacher to get so obviously frustrated with an anxious little boy of just four.

Unfortunately, there are many people on AIBU who’ve had an empathy bypass and will treat this thread as an excuse to criticise your poor parenting skills, but I don’t agree with that. Lots of just turned four year olds struggle with dressing themselves.

Wolfiefan · 12/12/2018 23:30

Yes there are but it’s still not the teacher’s job to give them a “putting your trousers on” lesson. Confused

MutedUser · 12/12/2018 23:30

I also agree the teacher can’t talk to every kids parent about everything . It was one of the things I found hard about my kids starting primary as you get a daily run down with your nursery teacher everyday but school is different .

garethsouthgatesmrs · 12/12/2018 23:30

I find my kids are really reassured if I tell them that I was like them when I was little( for some reason at that age they seem to like that) so if i said" when i was 4 I couldn't put my trousers on myself but i tried really hard and I could do it before I was 5" they were comforted and also encouraged to keep trying

He will learn it but he needs to know it doesn't matter that he can't do it yet. The teacher should know she has upset him, you should tell her that he is anxious.She is a reception teacher she should know how sensitive 4/5 year olds are. I doubt it was anything more than a throwaway comment though

SofiaAmes · 12/12/2018 23:33

Why can't the teacher talk to every parent. It's only 10 parents. How difficult can that be. Certainly she should start with talking to the parent instead of shaming a 4 year old. Are teachers really that lazy these days?

Tryingtothinkofaclevername · 12/12/2018 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 12/12/2018 23:35

It’s sad because ds has struggled with confidence from day 1 and had been getting better and gaining confidence. He’s been excellent at numbers and now he thinks he’s rubbish at everything because he can’t put his trousers on (well he can but it takes him a long time).

It’s not like he’s in a massive class or in after school club where I don’t see the teacher.we keep working with ds at home to get him to dress himself but what more can we do?

OP posts:
Youngandfree · 12/12/2018 23:37

She may have said it in a very caring way. Probably mentioned it quite casually thinking maybe if he just put more practice in that it would improve. To be honest I find these kind of things very trivial as a parent and a teacher. I mean soon teachers will be just flippin robots with set answers and responses like call Centre Centre responders for the bank. Ffs the boy is 4...he needs to be able to dress independently really. I wouldn’t go getting upset because the teacher stayed the obvious. Feeling worried is an important emotion to learn about to, so you as a parent are supposed to guide him through the emotion securely, not to try to protect him from it 24/7

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 12/12/2018 23:38

I’m not asking for the teacher to dress ds but just be understanding of the fact that we are working on it and that patience may be needed in the meantime.

Stressing ds out is totally counterproductive and he now doesn’t want to go to school.To adults it might seem a small issue but to a 4 year old it’s very upsetting.

OP posts:
Youngandfree · 12/12/2018 23:38

Too*

MutedUser · 12/12/2018 23:40

You are doing all you can Steph he will get there . Just practice at home as you are doing and maybe ask the teacher to realise his anxiety over it . She didn’t do nothing wrong she shouldn’t be dressing all the kids as the knock on effect would mean that it would be expected the next year and the next. But she should allow him all the times he needs to do it himself as he will get faster .