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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Messages through child

107 replies

Stephthegreat · 12/12/2018 23:08

Ds turned 4 in August and has struggled with reception particularly changing for sport.Ive been showing him at home how to dress and undress but he’s still finding it hard.Im upset because yesterday ds came home crying because the teacher said ‘you need to get your mummy to teach you to put your trousers on’.Ds is now very anxious and more worried than he was before and doesn’t want to go to school.

AIBU to wonder why the teacher couldn’t speak to me rather than passing a message through ds?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 13/12/2018 06:37

Conversely if you where aware your child was struggling in an area why didn’t you talk to the teacher about it in advance to give them a heads up? They may even be able to give some hints to help!

MyOtherProfile · 13/12/2018 06:44

Good post @PadawanCat I really think resilience is one of the best things we can teach our children.

NotyourMummynotyourmilk · 13/12/2018 06:46

On a practical level, I would ease your DS’s anxiety over getting dressed in class by turning the whole thing into a game. You have the Christmas holiday coming up. Every day you and him get dressed together in his room and play racing to get your stuff on first etc. Keep it all very light hearted and let him win sometimes. Do this everyday and by January he will be a wizz at dressing and forgotten what his teacher said anyway.

Birdsgottafly · 13/12/2018 06:47

"They wear shorts for pe I think they just do sport in the hall.They are strict on uniform so I’m not sure they would allow him to wear joggers"

The pressure put upon four year olds is ridiculous.

They shouldn't be having different sports uniforms and proper trousers for what used to be Reception, or Nursery. Unless the Teachers/TA is helping, if needed.

Is he rightly placed on that school? It sounds over strict and that won't do an underconfident, just learning child any good.

Work on his confidence and self esteem, point out that we have to learn and we all struggle with something.

But, are they asking too much of four year olds, to start with? Do four year olds need serious sports lessons that need an additional kit?

Birdsgottafly · 13/12/2018 06:50

PadawanCat, your seven year old is still practicing? Then why is the OP's four year old being told that he should be able to do it?

Soontobe60 · 13/12/2018 07:04

You're being over dramatic. If he has been so upset by the teacher saying mummy needs to teach him to put his clothes on, that would worry me! Your response should be 'ok, let's have a putting pants on lesson should we?' In a jolly way. Make it a game. Don't criticise someone for doing their job. I'm guessing this is a private school with such a small class? I assume you knew he couldn't dress himself quickly? So he will get better with more practice, at home.
1st world problems 😫😫😫

MiniCooperLover · 13/12/2018 07:04

My now 7 year old struggled with PE in Reception. (Class of 25 kids). He'd come home with jumper back to front, trousers inside out etc but they wouldn't change him because that was negating what good work he had done getting dressed and they said we don't really mind, they all get there. And now he's Year 3 and 7 and I have no idea what day is PE as he's always dressed just fine.

PadawanCat · 13/12/2018 07:05

Birds my son has SEN and is disabled - we have OT interventions because he can’t do a lot of things a typical 7 year old can do. Brushing teeth, getting dressed, etc.
But children should be able to do these things. With some it just takes a bit longer, but they’ll never be able to do it if they aren’t helped and encouraged. I don’t expect school to do that - that’s for us as parents.
I didn’t say that the OP’s son should be able to get dressed at 4, but that making it a bit fun at home will probably be more productive.

SoupDragon · 13/12/2018 07:09

Well I think it’s a bit mean of the teacher to get so obviously frustrated with an anxious little boy of just four.

I'm not seeing any obvious frustration" There is only the view of an anxious 4 year old who is only conveying how he feels rather than an accurate representation of what the teacher meant. I've had this on several occasions with my DC - whilst their version of the story was technically correct, their own perception changed it so that it didn't match what had actually happened.

Go in and speak to the teacher. Say that your DS was upset and explain that you are working out with him. It doesn't need to be a drama.

SoupDragon · 13/12/2018 07:13

For example, she might have snarled at him and snapped ‘you need to get your mummy to teach you to put your trousers on’ or she might have said it indulgently and ruffled his hair affectionately whilst helping him or anything in between those two extremes.

Faithless12 · 13/12/2018 07:14

I think you left it late to encourage him to get dressed. I also have a summer born DS and had anxieties about him going to school barely not 3 anymore. Except once we decided he was not being held back, we stopped dressing him in the mornings, practiced forming letters and phonics. He went to school able to do the basics in all.

crimsonlake · 13/12/2018 07:16

As a supply teacher I go to a lot of different schools and see this all the time. Can you imagine how long it takes to get a reception class changed for PE? Sometimes it takes so long there is not much time left for the lesson, then you have to remember in that time they have to change back again, it is a nightmare. Buttons can be the main problem which is understandable. But honestly the amount of children who just sit or stand there not even really trying frustrates the life out of me. Some children are simply just still used to their parent's getting them dressed / undressed and they are doing their children no favours. The amount of children who cannot even put their coats on properly without asking for help also amazes me. These are basic skills that need to be worked on in school readiness. Give your child extra time every day and let them dress themselves if you are not already doing this and at the weekends. The teacher said nothing wrong , can you imagine doing this job when you have a class of 30 little children getting changed. I always say, try, try and try again then if someone else has got changed get them to help you before you come to me. They need to learn.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 13/12/2018 07:24

Are you sure it isn't you that is over reacting and making your pfb stressed? He gets dressed or onto pj bottoms with you 14 times a week just let him do it himself and don't fuss him, encourage him rather than physical help.

SoupDragon · 13/12/2018 07:27

Can you turn getting dressed into a game? Maybe time him every morning and plot it on a chart so he can see himself getting better. If there is a specific issue, like which way round the trousers go, can you label inside his clothes so he can see better? I still mutter "label to the left" to myself... unless it's at the back, obviously!

QueenArnica · 13/12/2018 07:31

Please don’t be overly sensitive about this, it’s a common thing we teachers say but would agree the best thing is just mention you are practising at home. I have been known to say it ALOT when kids can’t do shirt buttons (our uniform is a polo shirt so shouldn’t be wearing it anyway ) and laces. Do not put your child in shoes with laces when they can’t tie them

Witchend · 13/12/2018 07:35

Often it works better if the child comes home saying "miss says you have to teach me..." Than telling the parent and the parent going to show.
Did for my dc anyway.
Then they go "mummy, you have to show me" and work hard so they go in to proudly show the teacher.

Canibuildasnowman · 13/12/2018 07:35

Yabu - he should be able to dress himself

strawberrisc · 13/12/2018 07:37

YABU

BlimeyCalmDown · 13/12/2018 07:57

"I’m not asking for the teacher to dress ds but just be understanding of the fact that we are working on it and that patience may be needed in the meantime."

have you told her this? if not how do you expect her to know? Lots of parents send their children to school having not got them 'school ready'. Geez some of them can't speak very well! -that's another thread!

10 kids? too many for the teacher to dress so yes it's normal for her to expect a certain level of ability. If he is having difficulty in this area despite opportunity/support at home then you need to relay this to her.

Are you thinking dyspraxia?

exparrot · 13/12/2018 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 13/12/2018 08:04

You cannot expect any teacher to never say anything negative about any aspect of your ds' performance because it will shatter his confidence. Maybe approach this as a good lesson for him - yes you're finding this tough but if you work at it, you will improve (because he will). And if he starts on "I can't do anything" line you can (kindly) tell him not to be so silly and distract him. It is hard when they lack resilience (I have one like this) but it doesnt help to treat them like they're made of glass.

californiascreaming · 13/12/2018 08:10

while I think you've had a bit of a hard time here I generally agree with the sentiment even if not how its been put.
Your child is now at school - time to learn with everyone else, fit in and learn that the world has expectations. The nuances of how to navigate that are down to you as parent and help the child you know best on how to tackle it.
I also like Matt's approach - focus on whats more important for now his schoolwork, let him know that clothes dressing is a struggle but that as long as he tries his best that is good enough and know that by the time he finishes primary it just will not be an issue. But the time you spend helping him overcome this anxiety over dressing (and that now everything is a disaster) will be a skill that he can use in all the other areas where he may have difficulty in life.

Artesia · 13/12/2018 08:14

One of the most important lessons for children in starting school and separating from mum/dad a bit is that people are all different and that teachers won’t necessarily always speak to them in the same way as a parent would. As other posters have said, it’s really important for children to learn resilience. If you are planning to speak to the teacher about the trousers comment, I’d strongly suggest doing it out of DSs earshot, otherwise you are reinforcing his concerns and making it an even bigger deal to him. I say this as someone with 3 children in the school process- 2 who take things like water off a duck’s back, and one who is a lot more sensitive.

SylvanianFrenemies · 13/12/2018 08:15

As a fellow parent of a (over) sensitive child I sympathise to an extent. My DD1 once got upset because her teacher told her to zip up her jacket when it was raining! I think the other problem is the English system of sending very young children to school.

I've found that trying to shield children from upsetting feelings via reassurance doesn't work. They just start to pull away from anything uncomfortable, and font learn to cope. My daughter has become much more resilient since we started going "you made a mistake/can't do it yet - so what!"

Dermymc · 13/12/2018 08:22

I think you have taken this a little personally when it was probably just an off the cuff remark by the teacher. A quiet word with her might help allay your fears.

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