Messages through child

[Stephthegreat]

Ds turned 4 in August and has struggled with reception particularly changing for sport.Ive been showing him at home how to dress and undress but he’s still finding it hard.Im upset because yesterday ds came home crying because the teacher said ‘you need to get your mummy to teach you to put your trousers on’.Ds is now very anxious and more worried than he was before and doesn’t want to go to school.

AIBU to wonder why the teacher couldn’t speak to me rather than passing a message through ds?

It’s made me think that the teacher doesn’t know ds at all either that or she wants to stress him out.

You are taking this really personally. I have a child with sn and anxiety and low self esteem. It's important to your ds learn to be able to let things roll off his back. If he sees you overreacting as well he will also feed off of that.

I would just work on it with him and continue to work on his self esteem. That's the most important thing. His teacher might have said it all very sweetly or she might have snapped having an off day. Teachers are human and if you haven't had a problem with her I wouldn't think too much about this.

Have your son practice pulling on trousers as he would his homework. He doesn’t have to be perfect but at 4 without sen, taking ages to do that isn’t acceptable.

If it was me, I’d be very concerned about my DS if he was still struggling to put his trousers on at 4 and was ‘sensitive’ and ‘emotional’. I would be looking for any additional needs. It’s not easy to get a dx and it doesn’t change anything, but it does help you, to help them. It also helps to ensure the school make ‘reasonable adjustments’ for his needs,

In the meantime can you buy some school trousers that are proper school trousers but just pull up or modify his school trousers by sewing up the zip/buttons and making the waist elastic so he can just pull them up?

I don’t think what the teacher said was unreasonable. HE does need to be quicker and HE does need to practice at home. School helps them to learn to be independent, being spoken to directly about things is part of that.

Perhaphs you can work harder on building up his resiliance to stuff, school can be pretty tough, you have to learn to roll with the punches IF you can (ie no SEN).

I’m a bit confused by your posts now OP as you posted a few weeks ago saying that your DS was good at getting changed for sport but he didn’t put his shoes on the correct feet and the teacher didn’t help him?

You are definitely taking this WAY too personally.
Take TheSmallAssassin 's advice.

Don't take it personally.She just needs him to move with the group.

Came on to say almost exactly what Assassin said. One of mine was beyond terrible at dressing and undressing for sport. He was just uncoordinated and slow, rubbish with buttons, but the uniform was what it was and he just had to persevere with it. He was a high flyer in the classroom and, I kid you not, every single parents meeting from reception to Y6 we were told everything about him was excellent but he had to get quicker at changing. We tried to get him to actually do it better and faster, or to make it easier for him, but he never managed to keep pace and in fact is still fantastically slow at dressing/putting shoes on/getting ready for anything really (in his 20s now). He has Asperger's if that's relevant or has any resonance.

Anyway, all of this is to say that after a while we shrugged and gave up hassling him, told the teachers he was probably never going to meet expectation in that department, and told him to do his best and not worry too much if it didn't work out. I'm sure he was nagged a lot but never bullied or disciplined afaik, and he let it all wash over him because we did.

I think one of the most important jobs of parenting is not to let other people's ideas of what your kids should or shouldn't be doing assume too much importance or induce you to add to any pressure they may already be under. That's going to be easier if you can be a bit more relaxed about this stuff yourself.

Sorry I’ve read a few of your other post and I see how much of a hard time you are having . You seem to be worried about the lunchtimes the other children and the teacher. Honestly try to not take everything so personally I can only say again that it will get easier .

Oh my goodness, he is only 4!! Kids develop skills at different rates and he wouldn’t even be at school yet in a number of European countries. We seem to push kids into formal education very early the UK and expect them to be able to do everything for themselves when they are there. Sone of the most successful educational systems start primary education at age 7-most children would have learned how to put their trousers on themselves by that age.

Thanks Matt, that’s good advice I think I will try that approach.We have tried everything else and really don’t want to stress him out any more.Hes doing well in every other area and has a perfectionist nature (we are not like that at all so not sure why!).We just like to see him happy and confident as he was before.

Not being ignorant but it’s late and we are going to bed! Thank you for the advice and sorry if I don’t reply for a while.

Getting dressed is a skill just like cutting, throwing, etc

It’s the teacher’s job to encourage children to practice these skills. I don’t think the teacher was being unreasonable. I think you are being precious. Sounds like she was not sending a message to you through your child but encouraging him to have a go at home.

My DS was like this too. He has ASD and motor delays. His teachers initially took this tack with me, telling me to 'stop babying him', not knowing that I supervised him getting dressed in a very hands off manner every morning.

It was his continued inability to dress himself, along with anxiety and done other issues that led me to seek a referral to a paediatrician. School was insistent that nothing was wrong apart from my parenting.

Once he had a diagnosis, they switched to having the TA give verbal supervision, and positive reinforcement every time he put an item on correcyly/quickly. He started to improve pretty quickly. By the tine he reached juniors he was fine. He had a bit of a blip when he started secondary but that was remembering to go up flies/tuck in shirt/do the correctly. He's pretty much cracked it now.

If you speak to the teacher, suggest positive reinforcement and small rewards for anything he gets right about dressing. It often makes the world of difference as it reduces anxiety. Thus should not be an alien concept for a teacher.

Aw bless his heart, my son (now aged 39 and yes he can dress himself, at least I hope so :-) ), couldn't do it all properly aged four. Whenever we went to an event at school he would be the one with the jumper on back to front. Difference is, he didn't care!

Your son will get there. I wouldn't make a big deal of it to the teacher, I don't think she did anything wrong, not deliberately, but you could say, in passing, that he is easily stressed and needs his confidence building up.

The idea of a teacher patiently watching each and every child in the class to give positive feedback for every item of clothing put on successfully is being V unreasonable. It’s not realistic

Everybody has something they need to work on. There will be stuff that your ds can do easily that others are struggling with. My children have all gone through crises in confidence but it's occasions like these that builds resilience. He may always be the slowest at getting changed after PE but practice will help him get there.

Why can't the teacher talk to every parent. It's only 10 parents. How difficult can that be. Certainly she should start with talking to the parent instead of shaming a 4 year old. Are teachers really that lazy these days?

No wonder the retention rate for teachers is so low when people express such ignorance. The teacher is trying to encourage independence for goodness sake. Is there anything a teacher can say which would not be regarded as shaming ? Never tell them to practise writing, reading, jumping, putting toys away??

My DD is also 4 and in reception. She struggles with buttons and zips, as do quite a few of the class. The teacher and teaching assistants help and are kind about it. I think your sons teacher was a bit harsh and that he’s still very little. Don’t worry, just keep practising and speak to the teacher if you’re worried about her attitude towards it (which I don’t think is great, and I am very sympathetic as a teacher myself).

Telling a child to practise at home is hardly unreasonable in my opinion!

It was his continued inability to dress himself, along with anxiety and done other issues that led me to seek a referral to a paediatrician. School was insistent that nothing was wrong apart from my parenting

You are most certainly not alone in that at all, many schools "don't see" a child genuinely struggling with e.g. gross motor skills, sensory difficulties, peer communication etc. when their academic performance is at the high end or even average.

OP, it would be worthwhile asking your GP to refer your son for assessment for his anxiety and motor skills. School cannot deny they have seen him being very slow to dress after games, particularly in the light of the comment they made to him today.

What you need to let the teacher and GP and Paed etc. know, and express this as strongly as you are able to, is that he's not BEING difficult, he's FINDING it difficult.

My eldest has ASD and I have found these picture cards have helped him and other kids with routines like getting dressed or washing. A simple visual reminder to help with the anxiety. Maybe you could make your own or google visual picture cards. We also used YouTube a lot and sang “getting dressed songs” which you can find if you google. It helps with the order of things to put on and adds humour to learning.
Picture card examples here do2learn.com/picturecards/howtouse/reminderstrips.htm

As someone who remembers being horribly anxious about my first year of school I completely understand, it’s actually huge pressure for some children and it is quite unkind of the teacher if he is struggling with something.

Hope he gets more confident soon OP and just keep showing him and telling him it’s nothing to worry about

Also just to point out I’m not ASD or any other type of SEN, some children do just develop differently and I struggled with the demands of worrying I wasn’t doing something right so I completely understand why your little one is worried bless him.

I think you should just tell her he's getting really discouraged so you'd rather she told you so you could deal with it.

I doubt she realises how much he frets.

As a side note, I'm so very relieved DS is November born as he would've massively struggled if he were in school. Admittedly not with his trousers.

I’ve read some of your other posts, Steph, and you seem very anxious about a lot of things. I mean this kindly, but could your DS be picking up on your anxiety?
It’s ok for the teacher to comment on changing (and we don’t know the tone, or if it was directed at a group of children). My DS has SEN and is always unbelievably slow to change and mostly cannot do it without help. From reception, I think he’s come home and says the teacher says to practice. Maybe a bright and breezy ‘come on then, let’s give it a go’, or making a game of the practising, might make it less stressful for both of you. (He’s 7 and we still practice now, especially tops and buttons.)
Please do try not to take everything to heart so much. Reception year is very hard for some children, and parents - it can take a few terms sometimes. I know it’s hard to see your child upset, but try to show him - and teach him - some resilience. I think you’ll both be happier in the long run. xx