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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:
olympic19 · 12/12/2018 19:27

I think you should re-work the timings of the day to accommodate his need to celebrate his mum. How about he goes for a couple of hours while the children are sleeping, and then you eat later? I can see both sides of things but to complain about him getting away for an hour to toast his deceased mother seems very harsh.

PostmanBos · 12/12/2018 19:28

Op, If you had sadly lost your Mum would he be happy for you to go off to the pub like that? If you think he would then either go ahead as planned with the help of your family or if you feel it's easier do as a pp suggested and have a light lunch or brunch then have the main dinner at 4ish when dh is back.

Flowerpot2005 · 12/12/2018 19:31

I get the impression that the vast majority of people 'against' OP's DH have never lost someone so close. The lack of understanding of the grieving process is staggering.

Soubriquet · 12/12/2018 19:31

Can’t he compromise and go after dinner whilst the kids are napping?

Augusta2012 · 12/12/2018 19:32

*movinhnextyear you cant honestly think that a woman in the same circumstance would not be expected to help with Xmas never mind run it all and that her dh would “plan it without relying on her help”.

We don’t all have Neolithic relationships were the little wimmin have to be involved in the cooking. It’s most common in my family and ILs for the whole lot to be done by men. Sometimes both sexes do it. I think it would be just as selfish for a woman to be told she had to stay home and cook and do childcare.

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 12/12/2018 19:36

My objection isn't a lack of understanding of grief so much as irritation at the sheer sexism of it.
If his mother took time off in the pub just before the Xmas meal was served to remember her parents I stand corrected but I am just not seeing it.
I'm sure a sensible compromise can be worked out between them both.

jelliebelly · 12/12/2018 19:38

YABU Let him go and do dinner later after dc have napped.

90mammasophie · 12/12/2018 19:45

No way. He should be helping. It's a lot to manage on your own. 3pm would be much more reasonable.

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 19:59

I can't imagine anyone getting snippy with my sister or I at the large family christmas we're hosting if one or both of us need an hour out of the chaos to remember our mum. They're adults, it's some food. They'll all muck in and all will be fine.

And they will have proved themselves to be the kind of people I suspect they all are - nice people who are more concerned with our loss than the timing of the sprouts.

How is this a sexist issue?

Birdsgottafly · 12/12/2018 20:03

"3pm would be much more reasonable."

His friends probably won't be available then, that's the usual time to have Christmas Dinner.

The OP is having hers really early to suit the children's napping and that's what's caused the issue.

The last hour of cooking a Christmas dinner is waiting for it to cook and putting the last veg on.

I think that her family could be a little understanding and come together to allow the DH to go to the pub, by pitching in.

I would and have done dinner at 5, to suit children's naps. Most people don't feel like a full roast at 1.

A lot of posters seem to have disfunctional relationships with their Parents, which may be influencing their replies.

In RL I don't know anyone who wouldn't accommodate this, on the First Christmas after the death of a Partner's Mother.

Mummyshark2018 · 12/12/2018 20:09

Given that he has lost his mum and won't he seeing any other family this Xmas I think that he should be able to see someone for an hour on Xmas day. I agree the timing isn't great, but then I think 1pm is too early for xmas dinner imo. Like others suggested could you not do a light lunch, put kids down for a nap and then have a few hours of peace up prepare dinner ?

greendale17 · 12/12/2018 20:13

He has his mum and will be surrounded by your family all day. I think you are being very unreasonable

ChristmasFlary · 12/12/2018 20:14

Will he return in time for lunch as l suspect he'll get carried away and keep you all waiting

Quantumblue · 12/12/2018 20:14

I think you should let him go.Accept that he will be gone longer than an hour. Don't let this become a tradition.
I struggle a bit that he thinks the pub is a more comforting environment than being with his actual family of wife and dc but I am not him.

JonSnowsCloak · 12/12/2018 20:19

Honestly this year I would let him go. If it means eating later so the kids can have their naps, so be it. My DP lost his mum this year and we are going to his family for dinner but we are doing what he wants to do which is go up to the grave, a few drinks in the pub and then for dinner later on. Next year he may be able to deal with it a bit better but the first year is always so hard, he may just want an hour to sit in the corner and think of her. Make it as least stressful as you can, I understand but your family can help with the cooking part if you talk to them x

Inertia · 12/12/2018 20:26

Whether him going to the pub is fair or not, there’s no way you can object without coming over as the bad guy.

I would do what previous posters have suggested- have a big breakfast, he goes to the pub at 12, children have a sandwich and a nap while he’s out. Realistically he’ll get back at 2 , so aim to have dinner around 3pm. If you’re cross about him leaving you to it now, it’ll probably lead to a big argument if he turns up at 2pm for a 1pm lunch.

Caterina99 · 12/12/2018 20:26

I’d personally move lunch later. Either after naps or while they are napping (assume your kids are small so aren’t going to particularly enjoy a leisurely lunch anyway). Just give the kids their normal lunch and put them down for naps as usual.

If that doesn’t work, then your family can help look after the kids whilst DH is out.

BunsOfAnarchy · 12/12/2018 20:37

Imagine this was the other way round OP. How would you feel if your DH was in a strop because you just wanted to raise a glass to your late parent without having your in laws in your face?!

First xmas after my DHs mum passed (she passed end of Oct), his family didnt celebrate xmas. We popped round to see his dad and siblings and then went home for a bit, popped to my brothers to see my neice and then back home for some time alone and a few drinks. At one point he sat in the garden for an hour on his own. I respected that. He needed that.
If i had hosted my own family that year, id have let him stay in the pub the whole day if he wanted!!
But i didnt even want to do that. Because i knew it would be hard for him as it was so raw. And hes ultra close to my family too.

I guess you have a different dynamic. But just let him have his hour on xmas day to grieve. Im sure your family will be more than happy keeping the kids entertained.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/12/2018 20:49

@Flowerpot2005 given that this is MN I imagine the lack of empathy is something to do with the fact that its a MIL that has died and we all know you should be nc with the in laws. Had it been OPs parent it would have been completely different.

Original poster
Zara85 · 12/12/2018 20:58

Hi everyone. I'm shocked at how many responses I've had and such opposing views as well!
To clarify- DH is a very closed book. Doesn't talk about his emotions and doesnt get upset in front of anyone. As awful as it sounds it's easy for me to forget his grief. She passed away 10 months ago at the same time our DD was born. The loss of his DM hit us all hard, she had been in my life also for 14 years but I have had to move on due to having a newborn. Not easy for him to do. I try talking to him about her all the time as u dont want him to think she's forgotten but he will not open up. I even arranged counselling and he refused to go as he said he's fine, but does go on to say things like "I had a cry on my way to work yesterday".
He's always been close to my family. He's not the kind of guy to have resentment and it was his idea for us to host Xmas.
Normally we keep it to just us and then visit my parents and his mum.
This year i suggested something different ie. Go out for dinner. He agreed something different would be nice so it didnt feel like all other xmases, and he told me he wanted my family over so we could host. My family are good fun and will get merry and play games etc, you know, keep him distracted.
My nan is very traditional and likes to eat early -12.30 She suggested. We said 1pm.
The pub is open 12-2pm so going later isn't an option. I guess I am just annoyed that this has been planned for a while and was mostly all his suggestions, and now i feel I'm being left to it at very short notice.
Of course my family will help out during that hour, but realistically once I've factored in travelling time etc it won't be an hour.
I'm sad at the suggestions that I'm a horrid person and have no compassion, it's quite the opposite. Dh friends haven't been there for him as much as he hoped (he puts it down to the fact that they're men) and I think this is what got my back up a bit as I'm the one that's consistently there and was just feeling a bit frustrated at the situation.
I do agree though that I probably am being selfish, I have not lost anyone so close to me and if I had I can't even imagine even wanting to get out of bed Xmas day.
I will suggest to my family that we eat later in the day, not sure how it'll work as we have 9 for Xmas lunch at 1pm then another 7 coming in the evening for a buffet. So if we eat at 4 I can't see the buffet working and I've bought most of the food which is currently in the freezer.
Anyway in the grand scheme of things I guess none if that is important.
Sorry for the long post and sorry if i seemed to drip feed in my OP - if i did I didn't intend to
Thanks for the feedback :-)

OP posts:
Maryann1975 · 12/12/2018 21:00

I’d be really annoyed if dh announced he was going to the pub on Christmas Day. I’m not sure what the outcome would be tbh. He did used to go every Christmas Day before we got together and would then go home to his mums for dinner, but once we had the dc, that stopped and he stayed in.

I worked in a village pub about 20 years ago and it would be really busy at lunch time on Christmas Day. But mainly, the wives/hostess’s and young children would be missing as they’d be sorting dinner out ready for the blokes and family to return. (So the husbands, fathers, fil, adult siblings and older dc would come to the pub, leaving the wife and her mum/mil at home preparing). This would be the same for a few families. The pub would only open till about 3 and then close, so no opportunity for drinks later in the day.

Owletterocks · 12/12/2018 21:04

I honestly would let him go and ask your family to help you out while he is there. He then ‘owes’ you an hour or so to do as you please later on in the day. He can do the dishes for example

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 21:08

You don;t "move on" after the loss of a parent you were close to. Your loss is not similar even though I'm sure it is real and painful. I thought losing my mother would be a bit like lsoing my grandparents but a bit worse.

How naive was I? Sad

9 for lunch and 7 for buffet dinner on Christmas day sounds madness in any situation but I guess too late to change that now.

Explain to your family and ask them to help.

Kewcumber · 12/12/2018 21:10

WHy does the "notice" matter - 2 weks is plenty of time to either replan the preparations to earlier in the morning or ask your family to help? It's not like he announced it Christmas morning.

XXcstatic · 12/12/2018 21:10

Yeah switch the eating time and watch him squirm

Yay - get one over on your spouse who is struggling with a massive bereavement- and on Christmas Day too! Aren't you lovely? Hmm