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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 13/12/2018 07:20

He is being a bit U but in the fog of grief its very hard to see the wood for the trees. Grief is all consuming and he's just seeing his needs.

But I'd really get your family to pitch in. As a single parent I've been doing Xmas for 17 on my own every other year since the kids were 5 and 7 - it is do -able.

blackteasplease · 13/12/2018 07:36

I really don't think you've been so bad here OP.

I do sympathise with him for being bereaved, but I still can't see the connection between that and having to be in the pub exactly when you are busiest.

I still think you should change the timings so you aren't doing any food prep during the hour he is out.

blackteasplease · 13/12/2018 07:37

I might be a bit sensitive though as my Dad always insisted on going to the pub right before Xmas dinner and it wad very unfair to my Mum. Whether he was bereaved Or not.

zippey · 13/12/2018 07:50

I think the first Christmas after the loss of a child or a parent is difficult so yes I would cut him some slack. Go the opposite way. Tell him to take as much time as he needs. Don’t say but you need to be back by 1pm.

You could bake the dinner later. And it’s a roast, do the prep beforehand.

Everyone reacts in different way but you say that he was very close to her. I hope when your mum dies that he will cut you a bit of slack too.

winniestone37 · 13/12/2018 17:31

He's really only just lost his mum, have lost yours? Give him a break, it's truly horrific, you'll survive the hour.

jessebuni · 13/12/2018 17:47

It’s hard because our family is missing not one but five members this year that we’re here last year and it will be horrid, but we also still have lots of family. If your husband still had a bunch of his side of the family left then I’d say he is being unreasonable but if his mum was it...it must be really hard to sit there around your in laws and know that you don’t have any family left. Obviously he has you and the DCs I would talk to him and see if maybe he could go to the pub a bit earlier so that he can 100% leave the pub at 12.30 and be home by 1pm and ask your family to help with regard to DCs and food etc. Tell him you are trying to be understanding even though it will be hard work for you to handle everything at home without him that you understand this Christmas is hard for him so he can go but he absolutely needs to be home before 1pm for Christmas dinner with his wife and children. As it is I suspect there will be tears over our Christmas dinner. Christmas is hard when there are empty chairs.

1forAll74 · 13/12/2018 18:04

I think that you should let,(although let is the wrong word). should not mind your husband going to the pub for a short while on Christmas day..
Surely he can go for a bit of a release drink with friends for a short while..

You say that you have your family on the day, so can get some help with all things..And it's a day, and you can work around eating at any time really, as their are always minor disruptions in some homes on Christmas day !

HollyWollyDooDah · 13/12/2018 18:06

Realistically though what would he be doing in that hour?
I mean turkeys in the oven, veg prepped night before ready to be boiled/roasted, drinks in fridge ready, table laid night before.
When we were at home I used to drop my daughter to her dad at 9, go to the yard and spend the morning riding and mucking our, pick her up at 12, home shower change and help serve up eat for 1:30/2
It’s not a big deal, prep the night before then all you have to do is keep an eye on turkey and put veg on when he gets back.
Give little ones a big breakfast and it’s all fine
Too many people in the kitchen trying to help drives me nuts anyway

Lucylou2014 · 13/12/2018 18:10

He is being U, I lost my mum on Christmas Eve last year and so this is her first anniversary. On the night she passed I still had to go home and put out gifts for my 3 DCs. I still had to make Christmas dinner and put on a show for the kids when it was the last thing I wanted to do! He should be remembering his mum by raising a glass with the family he has not his friends. Christmas is a hard time when you have lost people but you still need to consider the people that have been there throughout your grieving!

RomanyRoots · 13/12/2018 18:11

he agreed he wanted US to host to change things up a bit.

Remind him of this and ask why he has turned the "us" into "you"

RoisinXena · 13/12/2018 18:18

Pubs traditionally close at 1pm on Christmas Day and some do not open in the evening at all.

Vynalbob · 13/12/2018 18:18

I think he is the one being considerate. Christmas is primarily for the children. The pub is only open a couple of hours. He chose to go while the kids are sleeping.
Move the time... Or just ask him to do some prep on Christmas eve.

keffie12 · 13/12/2018 18:26

Your husband needs to be reminded he is not terminally unique! No one gets out of this life alive and we are all going to lose our loved ones over the years.

Yes I have lost a parent. I only class my parent as my mom just to be clear.

I also lost my husband this year. As hard as it is I am doing Christmas with our family. I will be at our eldest, MiL and FiL with them all and our grandchildren. I very much appreciate this

I can guarantee he will be longer than an hour so no you are not being unreasonable. It seems all be it probably subconsciously he is trying to mess up Christmas because of his grief.

Time to sit down, communicate and make a compromise if he must go out. It needs to be shared and agreed on what your are BOTH happy with. Not just what he wants

Serialweightwatcher · 13/12/2018 18:30

NRFT but can't you eat at 2pm instead, or prepare everything the night before to reheat and just make the turkey on the morning?

nurserygames · 13/12/2018 18:34

The first Christmas after losing a parent is horrific especially with young DC who you have to make it a magical day for. It’s a club only those of us who have lost a parent can truly understand. Your family will remind him what he has lost, irrespective of how close he is with them. I imagine he is reeling. I’ve only read the first page, but saw suggestions of doing the big dinner later. That sounds like a great idea and takes the pressure off you both. He gets some headspace and you’re not trying to juggle the impossible task of entertaining your DC whilst cooking. Hopefully your family can pitch in a bit too. Hope it works out.

cricketmum84 · 13/12/2018 18:35

I don't actually think he is being unreasonable here. I know the hour before you serve is hectic and busy but why not put dinner back an hour and let the children nap a little later and get up later in the morning. Or rope in some of your family to entertain the DC or help set the table etc while he is gone? I know if I'm invited anywhere for Christmas Day I certainly don't sit there like lady muck expecting to be waited on and will gladly help out!

Go easy on him, his first Christmas without his mum is gonna be so hard for him.

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 13/12/2018 18:35

NRFT but can’t he raise a glass to his mum in his own home with his wife and children around him? Why does it have to be in the pub?
Smacks of utter selfishness to me- surely the loss of a parent makes you realise how important your nearest and dearest are so wouldn’t you want to be with them rather than down the Boozer??

a1poshpaws · 13/12/2018 18:42

Let him go, and don't nip his head about it, he's clearly needing to have some "me time" on the day and it's only an hour.

MrsPrice123 · 13/12/2018 18:43

I agree with substantial breakfast and late afternoon “”lunch”

Nattiemum · 13/12/2018 18:44

Wow. I hope your husband has more compassion for you when you face the inevitable loss of your parents, it's heartbreaking. Cut him some slack, let him have an hour to grieve (hell, let him have 2!!) and make dinner a few hours later.

notangelinajolie · 13/12/2018 18:45

My DH, his Dad and my DB always go to the pub on Christmas day. I tried having him here to help with Christmas dinner but he just got in the way and tbh I'd rather have the kitchen to myself.

Can you not keep an eye on the kids while they sit on a rug or in a playpen - it's Christmas Day I'm sure they will have something to play with Smile and you can get on with cooking dinner in your own space. Or do what my mum used to do and get my dad to do all the prep the night before.

Or failing that - can't you all go to the pub? Our local is always packed with families with kids on Christmas day. Most of them are in there to eat Christmas Dinner but a fair few go in to raise a glass to friends.

Go easy on him OP. I lost my mum in January and Christmas day is going to be tough this year for us too so I do understand his need to do something different.

Whichever way you decide to do it - Happy Christmas Wine and I hope your day goes well.

chrismse · 13/12/2018 18:46

Just push meal back a bit its not worth arguing over x

Userplusnumbers · 13/12/2018 18:46

@FenellasRedVelvetDress

Perhaps you should read through the thread then, or are you too busy policing other people's grief too because it doesn't match up to what you think it should be?

Honestly, the lack of compassion here is unreal.

@OP - glad you've had a change of heart, hope you all have a lovely day, and I'm sure DH will appreciate the headspace

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/12/2018 18:47

The bereavement is a red herring, he is just using it as an excuse. If he was saying he wanted to go then to lay a wreath on his mums grave (as my ex and his dad do for late MIL) then fair enough, although I would arrange a different time and go with him.

This is about him bogging off to the pub with his mates at the very time he needs to be pitching in and chucking some emotional blackmail about so you dont argue. I would say that you understand this year will be difficult for him so you will both go at lunchtime and have dinner in the evening..... see what he says Wink

MyOtherProfile · 13/12/2018 18:52

How far is the pub? He could leave at 11.45, have an hour there, leave at 1 and be back for 1.15. Then eat at 1.30. Give kids a snack earlier and let them join in for a bit of the lunch then put them down when they're tired. We always eat at 1.30 on Christmas day and the kids have always fitted in around it. Send some of your family off to the pub with him and let your nan entertain the kids.