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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:
Hohocabbage · 12/12/2018 21:15

augusta2012 it’s clear in the OP that she will be making the food during that hour. Anyone who goes out for the hour immediately before the meal is planned for is obviously expecting someone else to cook for them.
There are children in this equation, if they are old enough to be aware of Christmas then the show must go on to some extent. In contrast with a pp, I think it’s posters who have experienced loss that understand this the most as we’ve lived it.

ohhelpohnoitsa · 12/12/2018 21:16

Toasting late mum vs spending time with living family and making memories with and for dcs. I think he needs to reassess his priorities. Which would his DM most support, I wonder .

Sparky888 · 12/12/2018 21:16

It’s just an hour when the pub is open. If plan together so that he can help before then so you both get to do what you want?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 12/12/2018 21:18

Toasting late mum vs spending time with living family and making memories with and for dcs

Eurgh at the phrase 'making memories' - and let's face it, the memories that children young enough to have naps will have of this Christmas will be hazy at best

Wonkypalmtree · 12/12/2018 21:19

Can you feed your little one, put them to bed then serve food at 2pm?

Alann01 · 12/12/2018 21:22

If I was your husband I would go to the pub whether you like it or not but then the Xmas afternoon pub is a tradition in my family

GrannyJillS · 12/12/2018 21:32

Did his mum die before you agreed to host? If so, it'll be really painful for him and you should have considers changing your plans for his first Christmas. Even uf not, then you ARE BVU because he understandably wants a bit of time out. Its his Christmas too.

TeddybearBaby · 12/12/2018 21:34

Sounds like you’re more unhappy that he’s seeking solace elsewhere. It’s not that though op it’s literally an escape from a day that’s going to be like a pressure cooker in his head. An hour in the pub still thinking of his mum would be bliss for me.

When I lost my mum my husband was amazing. Looked after the kids, I genuinely did nothing for about 3 weeks and everyone would say ‘isn’t he good?!’ Or ‘aren’t you lucky’ I couldn’t give a shit back then cos I was too deep in my own grief. Even now 7 years later if my mums name is mentioned whatever I need is what happens, my husband would never question it. I suppose I am lucky but I’m not sure how I’d feel if my partner didn’t put my needs first when it comes to loss.

I hope you all have a great Christmas. Shame you can’t leave the kids with your parents and you join him for a prosecco to toast his mum in the pub 😉 x

Sunbeam18 · 12/12/2018 21:36

Won't your family be helping you and looking after the kids?

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 12/12/2018 21:37

Could you do food for your NaN (maybe some of the buffet things) when you feed your older DC, then do the main meal later?

You can then do a smaller evening buffet for the later guests.

I hope your family will be helping regardless if DH. Hosting with a 10mo and a toddler (and I've done it) needs to be an all hands on deck affair.

SalmonLeBon · 12/12/2018 21:49

I guess I am just annoyed that this has been planned for a while and was mostly all his suggestions, and now i feel I'm being left to it at very short notice.

My family are good fun and will get merry and play games etc, you know, keep him distracted.

OP, maybe it is only now, as Christmas actually gets close, that he realises just how much he is missing his mum at this time. That she is not there to see your DD's first Christmas, that every Christmas from now on she won't be there etc. Reality is hitting him. And only now he can see he will need to go out and release the pressure valve of playing at merry and good fun. All those months ago, he probably thought it would be great, but he doesn't feel so sure now. That is grief for you, you don't know how it is going to hit you from one week (day, hour, minute) to the next.

GabsAlot · 12/12/2018 22:06

i dunno i lost my dm 2 weeks before xmas-noone fucked off anywhere we raised a glass together at home

he can do that anytime and obviously has done it already

Original poster
Zara85 · 12/12/2018 22:07

@SalmonLeBon I know. You are right. This thread has really given me food for thought and i feel pretty awful at how I reacted towards him when he told me. I wasn't mean but I wasn't understanding either. Just hacked off.
If it was the other way round he would absolutely tell me to go. He's a much more laid back person than me and I always think I'd like to be more like him but my personality just makes me naturally a stressy person.
I will suggest to him that he goes 12 - 1 ish and dinner will be ready for 1.30 meaning that he has a bit extra time to make it there and back.
The DC can have a later nap, my nan will have a later lunch and my family will have to help as much as poss

OP posts:
PrickWhittington · 12/12/2018 22:23

OP - I think you ABU. I lost my Mum very suddenly last year, and would have cancelled Christmas completely if I had the chance. This year is not much better.

I also have no family left really, and it is difficult seeing other people with the parents and family they still have. It really rubs in just what you have lost.

He must feel all that too, and will be quietly coping with a lot of really awful feelings of loss, regret, memories and so on. It really is so hard, and I’m not sure people who still have their parents/ family can understand what it feels like.

I say let him go, with your blessing. Explain to your other family members why and where he is going and ask them for help with the DC’s/ cooking if you need it. Or move the meal time maybe.

Let him have that little breather and chance to think about his Mum. He needs an outlet to do that. I took an hour out last Christmas Day to think and cry about my Mum. I just turned the oven off and buggered off Grin not great, but I needed it, and after I had a good cry and think I was ready to get back with it and focus on my DC’s as the family I still have, the future and not the past.

Let him have his time - the last thing he needs is to be given grief about going for a breather. Hopefully next year he’ll be coming to terms with if more, but for now, whilst it still must be so raw, I’d leave him be - it’s just kinder.

Original poster
Zara85 · 12/12/2018 22:27

@prickwhittington I can't imagine how much it must hurt. I'm really sorry for your loss and I hope you manage to enjoy Christmas a little more this year.
I really needed to hear comments like this as my needs are really very insignificant when I look at the bigger picture.
I hope you're okay

OP posts:
PrickWhittington · 12/12/2018 22:29

Ah- X post OP. Good to see you have reconsidered, I hope you all have the best Christmas you can have, and that his drink for his Mum helps to ease his grief a bit. I can’t lie and say it gets easier, but as the years pass he will at least learn to accept and deal with the loss a bit more easily.

PrickWhittington · 12/12/2018 22:39

Ahh, thank you zara85. I am ok thank you, Christmas I think will always be a tricky one for me now I think - my Mum and all my Christmases were all so intrinsically linked throughout my childhood and beyond, it’s a time I think with so many memories and a tendency to look back, and so I think losing her, and my DDad will always be magnified at Xmas, especially. It’s a time I find I think of her much more than usual as so much reminds me of her - songs and Carols she liked, shops we used to go to together, so many things.

I think you sound like a lovely, considerate DW and that it will mean a lot to your DH that you gave him that time and understanding of what he must be going through. Grief can be very lonely I find, and he will feel a little less alone with it all knowing that you are there for him and want to help him. I hope you have the best Christmas Grin

Augusta2012 · 12/12/2018 23:07

I know. You are right. This thread has really given me food for thought and i feel pretty awful at how I reacted towards him when he told me. I wasn't mean but I wasn't understanding either. Just hacked off.

I don’t think you should feel bad. It’s a stressful time of year and if it took you by surprise when you were stressed anyway it’s an understandable response. You came on here and let off a bit of steam and then gave your head a wobble. It’s not a biggie.

Some of the posters on here encouraging you to give a nasty response need to wobble theirs too.

Rachelle3211 · 12/12/2018 23:26

@Zara85 I love that you have taken people's responses to heart. Honestly reading some of these have made me tear up. I think losing a parent is hard enough but given he has no other family that makes it even harder. Coupled with the fact she died unexpectedly prior to the birth of his child. He must be feeling a ton of conflicting emotions. You have shown a lot of grace and compassion in your responses. Your dh is lucky to have you, and it sound like he's a pretty big keeper as well. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

greendale17 · 12/12/2018 23:26

Imagine this was the other way round OP. How would you feel if your DH was in a strop because you just wanted to raise a glass to your late parent without having your in laws in your face?

^I agree

BadLad · 12/12/2018 23:38

I'm sad at the suggestions that I'm a horrid person and have no compassion

Compared to the madness and insanity of some of the replies, you come across as perfectly normal.

Aarghhelpplease · 13/12/2018 06:40

Zara, you are not nasty or bad first christmasses for children and hosting for the first time have just clouded your view. Speak to your husband and all (I’m sure) will be fine.

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 13/12/2018 07:00

Out of interest: when you say he's laid back and you're stressy... in our house, that means that I actually get concerned about not being able to do two things at once (I.e. look after 2 small children while cooking a Christmas meal for 6) while DH would simply focus on the meal and ignore the children because 'they'll be fine, don't stress'. I wonder if it is similar in your house?

Wrt the OP: I think that since the pub closes at 2pm, the risk of him stumbling back at 7pm utterly lashed is low. I'd ask other relatives to come over early and pick up the childcare while you cook. Just this year though.

N.B. I've lost my own mum and cooked the full dinner while looking after my own two small children the first Xmas after, so this is not an entirely alien situation to me.

TuftyBum · 13/12/2018 07:03

I can imagine that when these plans were made, he thought it would be good for him to be surrounded by family at Christmas. As the time gets nearer, he realises how hard it will be to get through the day and not show any emotion that will bring others down and he'll have no alone time to cry if he needs to.

Personally I'd move lunch to 2:30pm. That way he has time to be at the pub for the time it is open and have the space he feels he needs and you've also factored in travelling time. I'm sure your Nan will understand the need for your DH to have some space.

Puggles123 · 13/12/2018 07:15

Can he help chop some veg or something before he goes?