Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

[Zara85]

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

I think he's being reasonable

The pub's probably only open 12-2pm

Oooh gosh just putting kids to bed and will come back to read responses and reply!

This is Mumsnet so there are going to be posters who will tell you that any man who does not follow his wife’s specific orders even at a time of great grief is a bastard who doesn’t give a fuck about his wife and should LTB. This is partly because some posters thrive off drama and some are probably actually genuinely emotionally abusive partners themselves.

I think in reality it may well be extremely difficult for your DH pretending he is being all jolly and watching you with your family when inside he is incredibly sad. You have little children and it is really going to be a fight for him to keep it together so he doesn’t make it sad for them.

It sounds like he needs a small release in the day to be around people in a situation where he can let go and be sad, rather than having to hide in his own house so he doesn’t spoil the party having a cry and remembering his Mum.

If you’re worried about doing it alone, have you got the cash for ready made stuff? You can get really lovely pre-prepared stuff you can stick in the microwave or oven and then just serve and pre prepared cold platters of starters and deserts. I always get them and I can’t understand why anybody even arses about with a potato peeler or making gravy now.

Some of the suggestions on here, that you not only refuse but call him a bastard for even suggesting it - I think that would make most reasonable people question if there was a future in this relationship. I’m certain if a man reacted to a woman in the way some on here are suggesting posters would tell her she was being abused and to grab her kids and run. Treating somebody recently bereaved like that at a tough time would just be utterly wankerish.

I would want to be supportive, but I would never host Christmas without my husband fully on board. So would definitely be pissed off if he decided that after agreeing we were together in this 12-1 was the best hour to disappear. It would absolutely be the busiest hour of the day if we were hosting and if need dh for active prep not looking after children - that would already be the family’s job. If he could have done it hours after Christmas dinner I’d be fine with it.
I remember a number of grandparents dying and my parents and dhs parents made Christmas just as special as usual. I’m sure they were hurting, but they had children and made Christmas happen.

I lost my DM in a car accident beforehand Christmas two years ago aged 69. My DF is dead and I don't see my DB so I too am faced with spending every xmas etc with the IL's.
Lovely as they are am incredibly bitter. My DH has no idea how I feel. My experience colours my opinion but this first year I would let him have his hour in the pub.

Some posters completely without empathy on this thread. Any 'first' after someone has died is really hard.,

He's being unreasonable, unless there is some significance to 12 pm Christmas Day for him and his mum

Did I actually just read that? He probably spent 18 Christmases in a row with her then some more on top of that and thinks of Christmas as a family time like most of the rest of the country?

That is so callous. I’m guessing your of the MN school that as soon as a man slips an engagement ring on a woman’s finger he should forget his family ever existed.

Sometimes I read the posts on here and pray to God my son turns out gay.

How many of you have had a complete empathy bypass? He wants one hour, 60 minutes out of the house, away from enforced jollity with his in-laws. If he was going to church, no one would be complaining. But as soon as it says ‘pub’, you all decide he is some feckless wife abandoning arsehole.

The pub could be within easy walking distance to go for a swift pint with these friends. Maybe the friends all grew up with him, knew his mum, have shared memories of Christmases past that his in-laws (and wife and DC) don’t.

Take the kids to the pub with him, away from their gifts? Why? Why can’t his in-laws help?

I'd be happy for my husband to go.

Let the poor bloke go to the pub for one hour. He has lost his mum who he was close to, he's spending all Christmas with your family.... Loosen up with timings for dinner, ask your family to help if cooking will be so manic.

It's just an over hyped Sunday lunch.

I've got two little kids. We are all going to the pub! Gonna have some starter / snacky stuff at 2, go to the pub, have dinner around 4/5. Everyone's happy.

Oh wow! Absolutely stunned by some of the selfish nasty responses on here. Of course you know YABU OP. The guy just lost his mum & is expected to spend the entire day with your family & pretend everything is normal?

You need to cut him a lot of slack & plan your day that doesn't rely on DH's help. Sounds like you'll have more than enough family there to assist you. Can't believe this is even being asked. Poor guy. If this was the other way around you would be told to LTB.

I would have dinner after the kids wake up
That's what we always did when ours were tiny.

We are also facing 1st Xmas without FIL who died end of Oct. It will be a hard day for all of us. DH is an only so it will be just us & MIL. We will see my family for a big do on boxing day. Not sure if DH will go. Its local so not an issue if he doesn't feel up to it.
Hope you manage to have a nice Christmas whatever you do.

This is my first Christmas in the same circumstances and there’s zero chance of going to the pub and leaving dcs and in-laws. If I am upset (hope I won’t be; mum wouldn’t want me to be) then I might manage a walk round the block but that’d be it. I assume the friends have asked him to cheer him up? Or because it’s what they do anyway? But either way I would be ok with him going but not ok with being expected to crack on with dinner when he’s out.

To be fair, if he goes out, you'll probably all have a better day. He'll get a little bit of time out and space and enjoy the day when he's back home. If you ask him not to go and he stays at home, he'll probably feel resentful and fed up and the day won't be as enjoyable.

I’m sure they were hurting, but they had children and made Christmas happen.

OP's DH is suggesting an hour away from playing happy families not burning the Christmas presents and stabbing baby Jesus in the crib.

One of the things I regret most about my mother dying is never being able to say to her "I'm so sorry - I had no idea how painful it is to lose your mother.

I wrote this after my mother died and it was partly about the support of my sister - I have no idea how painful it would be to go through this alone.

surelyitshouldntbethatcomplicated.com/life-and-loss/

surelyitshouldntbethatcomplicated.com/2018/10/02/coming-full-circle/

Tell him you will be going to the pub at 3pm to raise a glass to the war dead, you expect he will have cleared the table, washed up with the help of the other guests, got the dc up, run the vacuum around, emptied the bins, wiped down in the kitchen and cured world hunger*’
When he looks at you like you’ve just grown another head, tell him you mean it. If he has to go out on the busiest day of the year to ‘remember’ the dead, then so do you!*

Could you imagine if a woman wanted to do this and her husband said this to her? She’d be told he was an abuser and to LTB.

If that is the way you conduct your own relationships I would strongly suggest you read up on the new emotional abuse laws so you don’t end up doing a stretch in jail.

He is BU.
I have lost my Mum.
I have also lost my Dad.
It is difficult, but ducking out the house at 12 when you are serving dinner at one, and you have little dc and people to look after is not acceptable.
He can 'raise a glass to his Mum' at home with his now nearest and dearest, or with his friends at any other time on that day, or on Christmas Eve, or Boxing day if he feels that is something he needs to do. However, he does not need to do it at that time.

Jeez, some of you are brutal! If it's too much to serve lunch at one, make it a bit later.

He's recognised he might need a bit of time away from the family stuff so let him have it. Is it really too much to give the poor bloke one hour out of what will be a really overwhelming day?

My husband is driving a total of 600 miles this Christmas so my mother, who has just lost her mother, can spend a few days over Christmas with her daughter and Grandchildren so she isn’t sad. Then he’s spending his New Year cleaning out the deceased’s house to save her a horrible job. God I’m glad I’m not married to someone who would tell me life goes on and to put on my gladrags and look happy. Jesus.

Jengnr

"It’s not really fair to honour the dead by walking away from the living imo." This for a start! How did you make something as innocent as toasting a very dear lost loved one to walking away from the living?

"Then he’ll want to do the same thing as it ‘helped’." This may not be the case.

"And every year hence your kids will know Daddy disappears for a bit at Christmas." What a way to throw this out of context.

"He needs to grit his teeth". And you say you "understand". You sound very unsympathetic.

If my dh wanted to strip naked and dance the cancan on the Christmas dinner table this soon after a major bereavement, I would quietly distract the kids and let him get on with it. Because I love the man, ffs.

This is NOT the same as a deadbeat chauvinist throwback dad deciding it's his right to fuck off and get hammered while the womenfolk prepare the dinner. It's really not. It's a very minor and reasonable request for a bit of space away from the family Christmas, so he can focus on his mum, surrounded by friends, for an hour on one of the hardest days he'll ever have. He probably doesn't want to cry in front of his children on Christmas Day!

Move the dinner later so you're not clock-watching, and let him do what he needs to do. I can't believe some of the responses

movinhnextyear you cant honestly think that a woman in the same circumstance would not be expected to help with Xmas never mind run it all and that her dh would “plan it without relying on her help”. I am bereaved every single day. I’m also still a mother every day and want a happy Christmas for them.

And every year hence your kids will know Daddy disappears for a bit at Christmas

Daddy went out for a quick drink one year . I'm sure they won't be scarred for life by this. In the 80s the men would always pop to the pub for a Christmas drink while the women made lunch...i managed to survive unscathed!