To ask if you taught your children never to hit back in the playground?

[Toomanycookies]

Curious really.
I've always taught mine to not hit back but the ones do hit back seem to be left alone afterwards and this like mine seem to face problems throughout .

I fought back yes I fought back with all my strength otherwise exh would've killed me, I didnt know I had the strength to get him pushed away so I could grab dd and run so yes I'll always fight back and dd has been brought up to do the same because you don't just stand there and take a beating and little bullies grow up to be big bullies if they're allowed to get away with assault on others

5fivestar I doubt that it's your intention, but you're coming across as bloody insensitive.

This thread just reinforces my belief that DS needs martial arts classes, both to know when to retaliate and that conflict should be avoided.

If my partner's nieces are anything to go by, the really sweet, meek kids are indeed seen as easy prey.

Not RTFT.

As a child, I was told to just walk away and ignore any bullies etc. It didn't help. When I eventually, after 4 years of grief, hit one of my bullies, it stopped.

As an adult I really, really struggle with standing up for myself and conflict.

I'll be teaching my child to use words (rarely is ignoring an appropriate action). However if someone hits her, then she has our blessing to hit back.

I taught my children not to hit back until ds1 was 8. Changed tactics when the same little shit continued to bully my son. Ds1 hit back once then went and got a teacher, he's 10 now and hasn't been bullied a day in his life since, neither has his younger brother.

When my son was 4 a boy a few months younger kept hitting him. Actually sought him out and wacking him. I witnessed it a few times so I approached the mother. She shrugged and said "what can I do?" My feeling was tell him off or punish him for hitting but she clearly wasn't going to do that.

So, after trying to sort it out like civilised adults, I then said to him "if that boy hits you again, then you hit him back REALLY hard"

The next week, the kid blocks my son and his friend in the playhouse and holds the door so he can't let them out. The little friend is crying and wants to get out. So my son barges at the door, as the kid blocking the door takes a step back. Door goes flying into the kids face at full pelt.

Hitting kid (now with a battered face) goes running crying to his Mum. I was secretly daring her to complain to me but I think she knew she'd get a mouthful off me.

That boy never laid a finger on my boy again (even though what happened was an accident). Something that had been going on for weeks, sorted in an instant!

Lunar's right. The sad truth is that the bullies only back down if they are aggressed. That nasty little kid spent years bullying DS and stopped immediately he was punched. I wish he'd punche dhim earlier. And another kid bullied DS a lot until I caught him in the act and gave him a serious telling off in public. He stopped after that too. It's important that they see their victims have people on their side who will fiight their corner for them, with words at least.

That said, now that he's older, I'm teaching him to walk away from aggression in anticipation of future drunken nights in the pub.

My son was getting hit by a bigger kid in his primary. Teacher didn’t do anything at first, becuase bigger kid was ‘lovely’. Kid then got caught punching my son in the loos. Got a talking to. Still sneakily beat my kid. I told son next time he touches you hit him back as hard and fast as you can. He did. Bully never touched him again.

Mine are too young for this to have been a direct issue for me but it’s a really interesting debate. We are all allowed to use reasonable force to defend ourselves so it seems a little unfair to deprive children of that ability too. I imagine age is a huge factor, when they are really small and don’t have the ability to properly judge a situation, and when teachers/parents have more authority over them then the ‘don’t fight back just tell a teacher’ approach seems correct. There comes an age though that this is less effective especially if they are out of school unsupervised. Plus the reality is, kids who don’t hit back do tend to get bullied more than those who do.

I echo the sentiments of pp who have said some marital arts training with guidance on how to diffuse or react to situations has to be a good idea.

I wish so much that I had hit the kids who bullied me when I was young.
As an adult I am so much more confident and would never be bullied now. If I could go back in time I would give them a good wack and feel better for it!

Dear god CountFosco are you saying rape victims shouldn’t fight back or they’ll be killed? I hope you don’t have daughters.

I'm saying many rape victims freeze because they are afraid of being killed. And they are right to be afraid, how on earth do you know your rapist is 'just' a rapist and hasn't yet graduated to rape and murder? I wouldn't ever tell someone how to behave if they did get raped though unlike the PP I was responding to who was basically blaming women who didn't fight back.

We are all allowed to use reasonable force to defend ourselves so it seems a little unfair to deprive children of that ability too.

There's a difference between hitting someone who hit you just because they hit you and self defence. If someone hit me I'd do what was necessary to not let it continue. Most times that's moving away from the perpetrator. If you're somehow prevented from moving away that's when you start hitting.

I’ve told all my four dc never to hit. But if it does happen to you to tell a teacher and if it STILL continues to happen then to stand up for yourself and hit back. Learning to be Patient is important imo.
Try to resolve matters in a calm and respectful way.
Be the bigger person.
But not let anyone to take advantage and there is a line.

It’s helped them all in school. Non have had anything major and resolved their conflicts all by themselves without us getting involved.

This post has reminded me of something that happened with the little bully at DS's school. He was a spoiled little boy who's mother would tinkly laugh at her little darling whacking a poor classmate with a chair etc. (He was "spirited") She defended when he bit children ("normal child development") she defended him hitting them ("boys will be boys"). She excused his kicking ("all children do it") or trying to hold a swim class mate under the water for getting to the edge faster than him (poor child had to be rescued by a lifeguard)
One day the parents were all in an event together and a kid came through in tears from the children's area. The boy had hit him with something. So the mum who was as pig sick of it as everyone else said loudly in front of everyone including bully's mum, "Oh I'm sick of this! Just bloody hit him back!"

Bully mum was furious embarrassed and had a go at the mum afterwards telling her that if she had an issue she should approach it like a grown up, and never to not tell someone to hit her child. Funny, plenty of other parents had tried that and it had never worked.

The only kids this kid doesn't hit are the ones that have hurt him back.

The only kids this kid doesn't hit are the ones that have hurt him back.

Not exactly solving the issue though. The child clearly needs more input than just being hit back.

First three kids I was adamant you never hit back and find an adult to confide in, who can help.
However child number three was a gentle soul and had become a walking target for a certain child by year 1. This went on for years. Everytime I asked the school to help they made it worse or completely ignored the situation.
My son was hospitalised once, where I was told I was not trying hard enough by medical staff to keep my child safe at school. I was! I spent half my life going back and forth up that school path.
By year 6 my belief and faith in a system that does not work in favour of the victim made me crack.
I told child number three hit back so hard really hard. It took six months for him to pluck up the courage. After that day the bully left him be for his last term at primary. He now knows to let nobody in his personal space if they mean harm and stops it before they start. He’s a lot happier and confident. I feel bad I did not equip him earlier on the only solution that worked.
Child four and five completely different story they are told anyone touches you don’t hesitate give it back.
We live in a different world to ten years ago. You have to be able to defend yourself as the teachers have no real power or resources to help. It’s sad but true.

As a lunchtime supervisor and a parent of a child who's been/ being bullied this is such a difficult thing.
Agree with teaching children to shout 'Don't hit me'. In our school if I didn't hear it about 10 children would very quickly tell me! Hitting back is a natural defense to being hit. Obviously hitting cannot be accepted in school. I have sent both children to stand by the wall, the one who hit back though didn't have to stand there very long. They were year 1 and quite understood why.

“Be kind, but don’t be a fool” is our guiding principle. Seems to work.

Don't hit first, hit hardest.

We've been having this conversation recently with Dd1 who has watched some of the boys in her class have the odd scuffle. She asked what she should do if someone hit her and Dh and I disagree a bit here too. He is of the never hit and let everyone walk all over you school of thought which is why I have to sort out all the hunters, burglars and blokes selling neighbours stolen goods that come here. I am of the never hit first but hit back a lot harder school.

Don't hit first, hit hardest.

And what if you can't hit hardest? What if you are considerably smaller than the bully? What if you have a disability that means you can't retaliate? None of you seem to have an answer to the question what do you do if you can't hit back harder. This is why girls suffer so many sexual assaults in school, parents are blythly saying 'hit back harder' with no thought about how this is suppose to work in practice and what the impact is on other children. Someone please tell me what my 130cm 11 year old is suppose to do if a 180 cm child hits them? Hmm. It's no solution to say hit back harder, that's impossible.

Schools should be dealing with this, they should have a decent bullying policy that works to instill empathy, proper supervision to reduce opportunity, and a well structured set of punishments including exclusion for those that can't or won't behave.

My eldest got bullied relentlessly, til he hit someone and never had an issue since. He’s since told the younger boy to do the same.

I’m keeping out of it.

CountFosco - it is not the animal in the fight it’s the fight in the animal. Tae kwon do or tye like will show your child how to break the fingers of anyone trying to hit them whilst looking like they’ve done nothing wrong. Get your child to classes ASAP, stop making excuses the teachers/schools cannot stop this

Our kid was bullied in school. We kept telling the teacher, and the teacher kept ignoring the situation. The final straw was when we commented on a bruise received from the bully right next to the eye, and the teacher said it could very well have been one of us parents!

We don't believe in hitting, it just escalates the problem. Plus it takes crossing a mental threshold that will make your own kid a bit of a psycho, too. But wrestling is really good. It took about six months to learn the wrestling techniques to deal with our bully. By the end of it, the bully found someone else to pick on. Bullies simply never pick fights that they might lose. Plus it really is not that violent. The way we look at it, we're just giving hugs to thugs!