To ask if you taught your children never to hit back in the playground?

[Toomanycookies]

Curious really.
I've always taught mine to not hit back but the ones do hit back seem to be left alone afterwards and this like mine seem to face problems throughout .

[Sockwomble]

With younger children I wouldn't trust them to know when hitting back is justified. They could end up thumping someone who had done something accidently or someone with severe sn who had lashed out in distress ( where hitting back won't teach them anything).
Encouraging 'hitting back' may mean your own child being labelled the bully.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I live in a naice village too. It's a massive cliche, but certainly in our primary, the horrid little bullying shits actually had lovely "gentle hands" mums who had totally failed to instil any consideration for others into their spirited offspring.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

No I didn't. If some one hit me I'd hit them back no ways or discussion or debate about it

[MrsTerryPratcett]

I taught DD not to hit back and a group of boys bullied her for two years on and off. Teachers did next to nothing.

A few weeks ago one of them was repeatedly kicking her to try to make her move. She fought back. She won. I was told about it and I told her I wasn't angry and there would be no consequences.

I won't have my daughter feel that when boys are violent towards her and authorities will do nothing, she has to take it. She's getting to the age when that gets dangerous for girls.

[Pumperthepumper]

Tinkly I think Sockwomble put it better than I did - if you teach them that hitting is ok sometimes, what do you do if they get it wrong? If they really hurt someone who didn’t deserve it?

[Sethis]

By hitting back you're lowering yourself to the same level as the person hitting you. Rise above it. Be the better and bigger person.

I'm sorry, but I can't articulate how completely I disagree with this statement.

By this logic, Donald Trump encourages Neo-Nazis in Charlottesville.

By this logic, everyone who defended their country against an invading force is equally morally culpable as the invader.

I dare you, just once, to go find a WW2 veteran, and tell them that they are just as bad as the Nazis and should have "been the bigger person" and just let them invade.

It's pacifistic bollocks and lazy thinking. Sorry. If you're going to take an ethical stance, you need to take a stance that works across all circumstances.

Responding to a forceful aggressor with force in kind does not make you as bad as they are. It makes you an autonomous human with a sense of right and wrong, and the will and capability to defend yourself when attacked. They are still the aggressor, they are still in the wrong, they are ethically worse than the defender.

For those saying "Never hit back, go tell a teacher" then I hope your children never encounter someone intent on attacking them when no "teacher" is available. Better to get in a fight or two at school, learn what it's like, and know how to throw a kick or a punch when necessary, than to have no experience of defending themselves at all when they're being raped in a dark ally or attacked in a nightclub. "Telling a teacher" will cut no ice whatsoever in the future, so I don't see the point in enforcing that as their only method of defence right now.

I was bullied in Primary, til I caught the foot of someone who was kicking me, stepped into him, and forced his foot above his head, making him fall over.

I was bullied in Secondary, til someone tore my book out of my hand and ripped the pages, so I jumped the table, bodyslammed him into the wall and started punching him in the face.

I was bullied on the schoolbus from Secondary, until I got up just before my stop, turned around, and punched the person who had been pulling my hair in the face three times before stepping off.

After each of these incidents, while I still didn't have many friends, at least I wasn't dealing with physical abuse every day to go with the verbal. In each instance, the bullying was known to the school and never acted on in any meaningful fashion. Telling teachers simply got you a label as a "Grasser" and did nothing to deter anyone.

Thus I will teach every single one of my kids to deal with a bully in a similar way if necessary, and to defend others they see being bullied in exactly the same way. Each of my kids will learn a combat sport of their choice for at least a year so they have the basic muscle memory needed to punch, kick or grapple, according to the sport.

[RoboticMary]

Although they must never be the first to use violence, and it’s only as a last resort if someone physically hurts them, if my DC were punched or attacked I give them my full blessing to fight back in whatever way they can. They should be able to defend themselves against an aggressor. If the aggressor gets hurt in the process, that’s too bad. They shouldn’t start up with the violence in the first place.

[lpchill]

I have a 2 year old but work with 13-19 yr olds. I say to them and it will be the same for my daughter. Run if you can and tell someone. If you can't run then fight and make sure it won't happen again.

[OneStepMoreFun]

DSs are both naturally very gentle - never physically aggressive with each other, and both got picked on quite badly. I never told them to hit or not to hit back, but when DS1 punched a longstanding really nasty bully in the face I discovered I was really proud of him and told him so. Helped that the group leader who witnessed it told me the bully had had it coming, and he continued to be nice to DS1 who had never started a fight in his life and often looke dout for the new kids or ones who were alienated for being the wrong colour/race etc.

[pipstartpip]

Its a tricky one isn't it?

Schools come down hard on anyone using violence, even if its to defend themselves . The persecutor and the defender are treated equally .

I try and encourage - go and tell someone. But I would not rule out hitting back either.

[PumpkinKitty82]

I’ve always taught my kids to defend themselves if they are hit.
Ds hit back in secondary school and was left alone and a few weeks back dd was hit in the head so she kicked the child. Fair play of you ask me .. although dd was distraught as she was told off and sent to the rainbow room , she’s never been told off before so was a big shock

[3WildOnes]

I agree with sockwomble. I also can’t believe that bullying involving hitting is so common in schools. My eldest still tells me about the one time two years ago another boy hit someone and got a red card! It’s stayed with him all this time because it was such a big deal. I know a bit of pushing and shoving goes on on the football pitch and I’m sure there is teasing at their school. My kids have never felt teased or bullied though. I think tinkly is right that if your kids are resilient and have good self esteem a shove on the football pitch or a bit of teasing is just shrugged off.

[pipstartpip]

And glad to see there's some common sense on these boards about the whole matter.

p.s. interestingly, I would never "teach" my child not to 'hit back' from a young age. I think it can "disable" them in some strange, victim, psychological way.

[BlackInk]

Sethis
Yep, I know my views put me in the minority, but I'm a pacifist through and through and I believe that war is morally wrong too.

[3WildOnes]

And do you keep telling them to hit back at secondary school? What if the kid they hit back has a knife?

[Unicornandbows]

Me and dh were discussing this the other day, we have a baby on the way. We agreed that she should be able to stand up for herself and hit back but never initiate.

[NoDancingPolicy]

Like most kids, my Ds has been bullied at various points in time (school, cubs, sport) and sadly has also been a bully on one occasion (that we know of).
When he was small we always told him to tell the teacher, but as they get older that's just pointless as very few schools do anything. The scout leader also refused point blank to intervene.
So once he got to about 11, our advice was to just hit back and hit harder. That has been the best strategy.
Once we even warned his sports club what was happening and we told them that we had told DS to hit back hard - so if a complaint was made against DS then it would be in context.
Hitting back harder worked every time.
Luckily by the time he got to his mid teens, physical bullying stopped. I'm not sure what I would advise an older teen to do as it could massively backfire for them at that age.

[hairypaws]

Our rule is that you must never be the first to raise your hands but if someone is physical with you then you should protect yourself and if that means hitting back, then so be it.

[AlbertWinestein]

The problem with the “hit back twice as hard” approach is you have no idea how hard the other kid can hit. One of DS’ friends hit back at HS and omg, the ensuing fight was brutal. I know as it was put on FB and then shared on the parents FB page. And this kid is normally the nicest, kindest kid ever, but in his attempt at self defense, he got drawn into a really harrowing fight for them both.

[OverTheHedgeSammy]

Do people seriously believe we live in a world where no violence is tolerated? Do you think the police just put up with being hit by an offender? No, they bring them down using as much force as is necessary. Yes, we have riot squads.

As adults most of us choose to live in environments where violence is not around. But our children don't get this choice. They are sent to school with every child in your area born in the same school year. Some of those children will have families who do choose to live in violent environments that you, as an adult, would have nothing to do with.

Hell yes I have taught my DSs to hit back. Yes, they might get in trouble at school, but it would only happen once, and they wouldn't get in trouble with me.

[nothinglikeadame]

Stand up for yourself and your friends is the message I have given my daughter.

Schools will do anything not to admit they have a bullying issue, so they cannot be relied upon to act.

If I had my time gain I would have fought all my bullies with everything I had, as no physical pain is worse than the humiliation of walking round scared , avoiding eye contact, and generally living in fear.

[3WildOnes]

Albert exactly! Plus one punch can kill. More and more teenahers carry knives these days and I imagine they are the bullies. Teaching your kids to hit back puts them at risk.

[toomuchtooold]

While I wouldn't actively encourage my kids to hit, there's no way I would take a self defense option away from them by banning it. Like others on the thread I was bullied at school and listened to the witless advice of teachers to "just ignore it, they'll get bored." Turns out it takes a long time for bullies to get bored of bullying someone who never fights back.

[Sethis]

Turns out it takes a long time for bullies to get bored of bullying someone who never fights back.

About 13 years, to be exact.

[Youngandfree]

I do the 3 strikes and your out rule eg. Give the person 3 opportunity’s 1st time walk away and tell a teacher,2nd time walk away but warn them that next time you won’t and tell a teacher. 3rd time; hit them back and then tell a teacher. 😂 plenty of opportunity for teachers to deal with it and after 3 times it’s bullying imo so fair game!