To ask if you taught your children never to hit back in the playground?

[Toomanycookies]

Curious really.
I've always taught mine to not hit back but the ones do hit back seem to be left alone afterwards and this like mine seem to face problems throughout .

[Augusta2012]

This is partly because I don’t want him to get in the habit of thinking violence is justified if I possibly can. Down that road is ‘she burnt the dinner so I slapped her’, she nagged me so I kicked her in the face’.

[Zoflorabore]

This is such a tough one but I believe I made the wrong decision by saying this to my ds who is now in year 11 and almost 16.

He was nearly twice the size of some of his classmates through primary school and was diagnosed with Aspergers at 8, I always said don't hit back but tell the teacher.
There was a little shit in his class who he had been right through from nursery with but he loved ds and there was never any trouble whatsoever in primary school with anyone.

Fast forward to year 7 and he was horrifically bullied pretty much from the start but kept it from me until his friend told his mum who contacted me. Ended up taking him out of the school, CAMHS involvement and he was a wreck. He started at a new school in the June of year 7 and I told him to bloody well hit back if anyone started.

His school has in the past had a bad name so I was a bit worried but in all of the years there he has never had so much as a cross word with anyone. I do blame myself a lot for telling him not to hit anyone and now my dd is in year 3 at school I have told her to stand up for herself.

[IsThereRoomAtTheInn]

I've never taught mine to hit.

But by the age of 7 I did tell them they have a right to self defence, equally if possible they can withdraw and seek help.

[CanuckBC]

Always defend yourself until you are safe and can get away to tell a teacher. No point in taking a beating senselessly without defending oneself. It will make you a target. No beating someone, just self-defence then walk away and report.

One solid properly place punch to stop the action is best. Teach the child how to do it properly so they don’t get hurt. If getting bullied martial arts is fantastic for self esteem, confidence, physical fitness, memory, making friends and more. I personally take Tae Kwon Do with my boys and it’s a blast. Keeps my brain ticking and my body moving😁

[BlackInk]

We're lucky in that we (so far) have two peace-loving children, but I teach them that hurting someone else on purpose is pretty much never ok. Two wrongs don't make a right. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind... etc. By hitting back you're lowering yourself to the same level as the person hitting you. Rise above it. Be the better and bigger person.

The only exception I guess would be if you're being viciously attacked in the street or something and your life is in danger.

[blueangel1]

I was taught not to hit back and I was bullied nearly every day I was in primary school. So it didn't work for me!

[FrostyMoanyWind]

Yes, I did teach him that. I did him a disservice. It took us about 6 months of telling him he was allowed to hit back, (but mustn't start anything), he wouldn't get into trouble and I was telling the boys mum that I'd told my DS he could hit back. He eventually did, and he hasn't been bothered since. Could have saved him 3.5 years of heartache and misery.

[inlectorecumbit]

DGD1 is 5 and since starting school has been headbutted, pushed and has been scratched on the face by one girl. It is not just DGD that has been picked on and this child has already had 3 letters sent home to her parents to no avail.
This morning DD took DGD to school and witnessed another "assault" by this girl on DGD. she tried the " it's not nice to push, you must be nice to one another" approach but the girl just laughed in her face.
So she now feels that the school are ineffective in dealing with this type of bullying as nothing has changed. DD is thinking about telling DGD just to hit back as nothing else is working.

[Gatehouse77]

Erm, I taught them not to hit back at home so didn't need to differentiate with going to school.

That's not to say that they didn't hit back at each other and if they did at school it wasn't enough to be reported.

[MrsVargas]

I was always taught to hit back twice as hard
I never had anybody hit me twice, although my sister it took quite a lot for her to fight back and was bullied relentlessly

I will always teach my boys to be kind to everyone and to steer clear of the aggressive kids as other pp's have said, but I will teach them to hit back.

I don't want to raise bullies but the thought of my kids being bullied really churns my stomach

[SoundofSilence]

We told DS1 in primary school never to start a fight but to feel free to finish it, and that we'd back him up, but that he shouldn't try to hurt people.

That evolved as he learned ju-jitsu. He got a grounding in self-control and safety to go with the skills he learned, and those skills have served him very well to neutralise the occasional person who has tried to hit him and leave them embarrassed but unhurt. The confidence and physical presence that came with them have served him even better - he just stepped sideways out of the food chain. In secondary school nobody risks trying to hit him and he has that laid back, nothing-to-prove attitude I've seen in other martial arts enthusiasts that means he has no interest in getting into fights himself.

DS2 joined the same dojo as soon as he was old enough and I'm hoping for the same result.

I'd definitely recommend martial arts if you are worried about your child being able to defend themselves.

[Notsoaccidentproneanymore]

I told other ds’s to not be pushovers. Ds1 was always so much taller (lanky) than the other children, that even when he was picked on he didn’t fight back. He had to really be encouraged to stick up for himself. Not physically, unless really necessary.

It’s difficult though. Ds2 is 16 and they are now teaching resilience in school — emotional resilience, and robustness. Some children will always take advantage of any perceived weakness. I was bullied at school, and I didn’t wasn’t my ds’s to go through that. Or let their friends be bullied either.

That doesn’t mean they’re not kind and generous though. Just very self assured (I hope).

[CandyCreeper]

Mine are told to hit back, I dont see whats shocking about teaching your child to defend themselves! My child isnt a punch bag.

[Kickassbitch]

Hard one this, I don't teach my kids to just hit back as a rule of thumb because it really does depend on what has happened.
My son for example got told off for head butting a child after said child cornered him and repeatedly pushed him in to the corner and my son couldn't understand what he had done wrong. I explained that he had gone to far with his reaction, he then asked if he should have hit him back, again I said no that would be going to far also and that he should have simply pushed the boy back hard enough to move him out the way so he could then go get help.
Yes they meed to stand up for themselves but it has to be proportionate otherwise they can end up in trouble themselves. I have had many conversations with him about defending himself like if they're pushing your round push hard back once and leave, if they're hitting you, hit back once hard enough to allow you to leave and get help. Do only what you have to do and don't get dragged in to a big scrap a's that isn't self defence its just fighting and don't retaliate as that is not defending yourself its just spiteful.
He also asked about kicking back and I remembered what an old self defence teacher told me, if your far away enough to kick then your far enough to run.
They need to learn how to do it properly as if they go to far when they're older they can get in trouble and if they don't leave as soon as they can, stay and fight or go back and hit again again they can get in trouble as these both go beyond defending yourself and getting to safety.

[Liverbird77]

I am about to have a baby. Me and DH will be teaching him to be kind, gentle and include everyone. If he ever bullies or hurts someone we would be extremely disappointed and he would be punished.
Having said all of that, if someone hits him, he will have our full support to hit back twice as hard. We would also hope he would step in if he saw someone being picked on.

[Confusedbeetle]

No never hit back. Small children should face the attacker and shout NO as load as possible, psychological standing up to a bully without the violence

[BlooperReel]

Nope, hit back, harder if you can, but never lash out and hit first.

[CountFosco]

What sort of school do your kids go to and what age are they? This shouldn't really be something that comes up surely, schools should be dealing with bullying and if they are not we need to be at the headteacher's door giving them hell about it. We're just perpetuating male violence by encouraging our sons to hit back.

I was never hit at school, but did have to tell some threatening kids to fuck off sometimes at secondary. A look of disdain goes a long way in these situations (and one teacher congratulated me when he witnessed me telling someone to fuck off).

The DC are small so I'd be on a hiding to nothing if I encouraged them to fight. We have spoken about strategies to deal with bullying behaviour and they know they have different options: they can talk to a teacher, talk to me, swear at the perpetrator, ignore them, give them a withering look, make a joke at their expense.

They will never be told to use violence.

[OutPinked]

I’ve always taught them to tell the teacher instead but was quite proud of my DS when he pushed a bully over after being hit. I think he saw red and lost it but I didn’t blame him at all, the twat kid had been bothering him for weeks.

[Crackedvase]

Always talk things out, but if someone throws the first dig, you hit back.
My kids are older now, neither has had to but they would, if confronted

[MondayImInLove]

I taught them to first say loudly «no! Do not hit me!» but if the other child then hits again they can push him away - not hit though but push - while screaming «stop hitting me» so if someone sees it they know my DC is defending themselves.
Reception age

[SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc]

Ds 4 has been told if someone hits you hit them back but never hit someone first

[marvellousnightforamooncup]

DH and I disagree on this. I say never hit but tell the teacher or shout no. DH's mantra is 'never hit first but always hit back'.

[BlackInk]

Teaching kids that it's ok to hit back is just creating a society of people who think that the way to solve problems is with physical violence though...

I know I'm in the minority feeling this way, and perhaps would feel differently if one of my DC was being hurt at school. But so far I've taught them not to retaliate with violence when angry, to walk away, to talk, to try to understand the other person. It's idealistic I know, but ideals are important, and a good place to start?

[cloudtree]

DH says hit back. I say don't hit back because then you get into trouble. we will never agree on this.