To ask if you taught your children never to hit back in the playground?

[Toomanycookies]

Curious really.
I've always taught mine to not hit back but the ones do hit back seem to be left alone afterwards and this like mine seem to face problems throughout .

[fibonaccisequins]

The sequins were always told never to start anything, but always finish it. DD was told (after an incident in the playground) to aim for the genitals, hit hard, and then run. I think that's advice that will stand her in good stead. Both dc have been taught boundaries (no means no, don't touch people without their permission, stop touching them if they withdraw their permission) from a young age, and it seems to be working.
I always taught them to walk away from verbal fights, but if someone lays a hand in them, then I'm fine with them doing what they have to do to get away to safety, as that's what I would do.

[knittedjest]

I always taught mine to hit back. Never hit first but always hit last. I actually think the ability to take a hit is an underrated life skill.

[FrostyMoanyWind]

The thing is, you can't compare school to real life. It's a microcosm on unreality within our reality.
If I was at work and a colleague punched me out of the blue, I'd call the police. I would not accept that my boss call me in to have a discussion with said colleague about why he decided to hit me. Nor would I accept being made to work in a group of two at every possible opportunity for the next two weeks so that said colleague could verbally attack me, stab me with pencils, kick me under the table whenever the boss isn't looking.
I wouldn't accept that colleague rounding up all my other colleagues to throw ice at me and catch hold of me so they could stuff it down my shirt is just playfulness and that I should learn to lose my social disablilty to fit in better,
I wouldn't accept that the colleague asking two others to hold my hands behind my back so he could repeatedly punch and kick me could be solved by extra teamwork.

Yet this is what we expect our DC to do? Why??? As an adult we have options that we could take on day one. A child is forced into the same situation day in day out for weeks at a time, sometimes over a period of years. If a child refuses to go to school, who is at fault? The parents and the child. The normal rules of society don't hold in a school and until they do, people have two choices, teach their Dc to try to defend themselves or let them get picked on.

[Letsmoveondude]

There are different parts of me that feel different ways.

My instinct is to tell my child, to wipe the floor with anyone who tries to hit her. Luckily she is of a nice sort of nature, and would hit back, but only if she truly didn't see any other way out of a situation.

She had been hit at school, in fact she was punched in the back of the head by a boy who kicked her repeatedly when she hit the ground, the situation was dealt with much differently than when I was at school, but then I wasn't afraid to make a fuss. I wish she had got up and wiped the floor with the little shit who beat her up- and for a misunderstanding I might add.

She's certainly not being brought up to stand by and take a beating from everyone like MIL taught my DH.

I'd far prefer to be in the school having to argue why my child has fought back than her being too scared to go to school like I was.

[sijjy]

We always told my son who is now 12 to not hit back and tell a teacher. He got picked on and beat up once on the park. The other kids got to know he wouldn't do anything so they went for him more.
It is so hard though because once in primary school about 6 children had him cornered and were making fun of him for being colour blind. They pushed him and carried on and on. And he lashed out to get away. He ended up in a lot of trouble with school but the other kids didn't. It's extremely hard because schools in my experience don't really back you if your child is defending themselves.

[Ylvamoon]

I tell mine don't start it, but you have to finish it!

[UpstartCrow]

We went through 'tell a teacher' and the school didn't deal with it, and it went on for a year and escalated.
So I said 'hit back just don't hit first' and it stopped that day.

[APositiveMind]

My dad taught me never to start something, and to walk away from the first shove/hit. Anything after that or if they do it again, swing and don't miss.

Worked for me and I don't seem to get much trouble growing up.

[yesyouareyouare]

Never hit first but always defend yourself.

[Madmama10]

As someone who was bullied in primary school. I would say say turn on them and give them hell. I ended up tackling 2 bullies one after another one day. What they forgot is that I had a lot practice with my older brother. Did get into trouble? A bit, but it was worth it. After that I wasn't a target and could help others who were being bullied just by my reputation. All needed to say was leave her alone and they backed off. Did I turn into a criminal? Nope. In fact I never have had to fight since.

[CosmicCanary]

Hit back.

[GreenTulips]

Children learn from their experiences around them

Then schools need to step up and deal with he instigator and haul the parents over the coals and start excluding all violent outbursts

You can only react to what's put in front of you. Violence is rife in schools and kids fear everyday - who's fault is that?

[JohnCRaven]

@GreenTulips

Child on child fighting is being discussed but if it's not OK for one person (an adult) to hit a child why are parents teaching their children it's OK to hit at all?

Children learn from their experiences around them. It's like saying if he carries a knife I'll carry a knife to be even despite ALL the stats saying you're then more likely to be hurt. So a hitting back environment can only cause violence to escalate in that child on child relationship and in the wider school environment.

[foxyknoxy30]

Both myself and my husband ,feel that our kids shouldn't go looking for shit but when it lands at your door prepare to defend yourself reasonably

[HettieBettie]

I taught my dd not to hit back until a sneaky little fucker kept strangling her and no one did anything. I told her to kick him where it hurts and now that kid leaves her well alone.

[Kikithewitch]

DS1 was being hurt by one particular boy on and off for years, From preschool until year 4. School were shit at dealing with him and his parents basically ignored it and laughed it off.
I enrolled him in karate lessons which gave him the confidence to stand up to the bully.
Let’s just say the last time he hit ds the bully ended up on his back with a black eye and ds has been left alone since.
Unfortunately there is another boy in ds class who I suspect is some sort of sociopath and ds has been told to run as far away as possible and not to engage at all.
This child brought a knife to school a few weeks ago and wasn’t expelled they’re only 10!

[GreenTulips]

Adults hitting children isn't what's being discussed.


There's always one fighter in the class - either your child gets it or someone else does.

Schools always brush these things off as 50/50 anyway.

[JohnCRaven]

Here's the analogy for me. If my child hits me is it OK to hit her back?

No.

End of argument.

[NotCitrus]

I've said never hit first. And don't hit as your first response - try shouting, telling teacher etc. But if you've been hit by the same kid before, then they won't be in trouble with me if they hit back and it may be most effective.
Ds is mild-mannered with ASD and cries if anyone shouts near him, so giving him permission to hit back was crucial - and the day he decked the huge violent kid who shoved him has given him huge kudos in class and even the teacher said (to me) good for him.

DD is much more violent by nature so have to teach her other ways of handling problems, especially because a girl hitting is sadly seen as more of a problem than boys doing it.

[Mrsmumof3]

I tell.my children not to look for trouble but if someone hit them then they will have to hit back harder

[Lweji]

Someone please tell me what my 130cm 11 year old is suppose to do if a 180 cm child hits them? Hmm. It's no solution to say hit back harder, that's impossible.

Hit the right place.

Take your 11 year old to self defence classes or a martial art. They'll learn how to deflect hits and to use the opponent's strength against them.

DS and I attended self defence classes at the same time. It was fun, but I think it also helped him handle the usual rough play between boys. When I watched him, they either wouldn't manage to make him fall or if they did hit the ground, he ended up on top.
Rough play is how they assess eachother. Be it physical or as banter.

[Flowerpot2005]

I'm firmly in the hit back but harder camp.

I've also helped my DD have some good one liners ready for certain situations because sometimes, a very quick retort can also pack a punch.

[Apollo440]

Sad to say but bullies prefer easy victims. Those that fight back are left alone. My father fold me to fight back if I was hit (he said that i may still lose the fight but they'd never do it again - and he was right). Despite being one of the smaller boys I was left alone. I don't remember ever having an actual fight but the fact I would square up to anyone if provoked proved deterent enough. Even when the bully had his Crabbe and Goyle with him they backed off. I haven't passed on this advice to my children but their school is excellent in this regard and won't tolerate bullying. It is a shame all schools don't take it seriously as it can ruin a child's life.

[5fivestar]

CottonSock - the great thing about martial arts which I know I keep banging in about is that it gives them an air if don’t fucking bother confidence.

[CottonSock]

I dont want my daughters to get bullied. But really cautious of hitting back. I tried to pull a girl off my friend when we were 15 (in school). She hospitalised us both