To ask if you taught your children never to hit back in the playground?

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Curious really.
I've always taught mine to not hit back but the ones do hit back seem to be left alone afterwards and this like mine seem to face problems throughout .

At 16 I would explain what the law says to them. Self defence is allowed, retaliation isn't. To be fair that is pretty much what I've told my 11 yo. So if they are able to walk away, without getting hurt, they should, but if they can't, then it is OK to defend themselves.

Yes I taught dd to fight back and why not, why should she put up with somebody hitting her, in this life you give as good as you get and do not let bullies rule you, if they get a dose of their own medicine they usually runaway

I teach them to never hit first and it's not cool to hit back but I understand if they do. School don't punish the kids who hit back but the child needs to be confident enough to explain that they aren't the instigator so they aren't punished.

I have always taught my DS (and DDs but it's never been needed) not to hit back because quite simply, they would be the ones getting caught.

DS has to deal with an awful classmate. And before that he was an awful nursery mate and even before that as young toddlers, an awful toddler group mate. His mother is the type to watch him hit and bite and call it "normal child development". Or he has a "strong character" or "every child does it".
The truth is, if he kicked a baby she would probably be thinking what a wonderful left foot her precious boy has.

Thing is, she's a friend of the school. Has family working there and worked there herself. Nothing ever happens.

My boy hitting back would mean three things things:
a) he's just as bad therefore no blame,
b) he's the violent one or
c) his bully would hit him back harder and do damage. My DS isn't tough enough to win in a fight against him

It's lose lose lose.

So he has to tattle. Every fucking time. I'm pretty sure this year's teacher (not a friend of the kid's mum) is paying attention and actually gets stuck in and takes him to task. All the parents are noticing this year's difference.

So no. As much as I would love DS to pound that nasty kid's face in once and for all, he is to remain passive. Walk away. Tell an adult (not one of the ones who's standard reply is to prefer to chastise DS for not "staying away from him" enough instead.)

@MilkyCuppa come on – I get that this topic riles you up, but the patronising tone isn't necessary with me.

And @Magnificent Seven Because if I get hurt every time I hit you, I'm going to go and hit someone that doesn't hit back. – I honestly can hear the logic in what people are saying, I get why many of us are teaching our children to hit back, AND what I'm saying is that I also don't believe those are the only options.

Anyone comes even close to getting violent with me and I go utterly batshit, preferably in public, with as many witnesses around as I can gather. I want everyone looking at whoever's thinking about hurting me.

And I teach my DSS to do the same - get right in the kid's face and yell at the top of his voice for everyone to look at him, this kid is hitting him and he's not taking it. Shock and embarrass the kid and get a reputation as the unpredictable, noisy one. Too much hassle and bother to engage with.

And my DSS doesn't get hit again and again, thanks. It only took going off like a rocket once. And now people at school remind him of 'that time you went crazy at X' and they laugh about it - he gained respect from the other kids, too.

I'm not OK with violence, so I don't hit people. And I don't teach up-and-coming adults to hit people either. Not a world I'm interested in living in.

With my first I always said don't hit back go tell the teacher. Well I think the teachers get fed up of kids saying miss so and so did xyz and end up telling them not to tell tales, stay away from said child etc.
By year 2 I was saying wallop them back! I've always maintained if you are hit first hit back and I will support you with the school if you get into trouble, but be aware if you hit first then you will be in big trouble both in school and at home.
It's worked for us, and I am telling my girls the same when they start school.

I wonder how many people who were bullied at school were told not to hit back.

I was bullied terribly and was told to hit back. I was too scared of getting into trouble with teachers so didn’t. Something snapped one day and I put the girl on her arse with a bloody good punch. She never bothered me again.
I taught my DCs to hit back and make it count. They were bullied until they summoned up the courage and they were then left alone.
As adults they do not put up with any crap from anyone and they DO NOT respond with violence. They are confident and quietly assertive.

Mine were never hit nor hit.

Gosh - this is not a subject I've ever had to have with DD (7) and DS (9). Children don't hit at their school, the situation has never arisen so there has been no need for the conversation.

Honestly we have always said never hit first but if another child hits you and telling the teacher hasn't solved it then hit back. Seems to have worked so far apart from with a horrible girl in 9 year old DS class who obv he would never hit back. He's not the only one she seems to pick on and I think purely down to jealousy due to the fact he is quite popular and these instances seem to be when he's not focusing on her.

I've never really discussed this with my lot. They're a pretty gentle bunch; we've never had any physical stuff at home. I know DH had one fight in Y6 when the other lad (a friend who was going through a very bad time) basically forced him. He ended it and walked away as quickly as he could though.

My bubbly, happy go lucky DD1 was very popular in primary, never any hint of bullying or trouble.

She moved schools in Y5 and on her first day a Y6 girl cornered her in the classroom where she was hanging out with her brand new friends, pinched and kicked her and pulled her hair. DD stepped forward and slapped her hard across the face.

The girl then backed off and DD's friends basically gave her a round of applause because the girl was a notorious bully and they were all scared of her.

I must admit, when DD came home and calmly related this tale I was absolutely mortified and very concerned that she had marked herself as a troublemaker on the first day. However, nothing ever came of it and the girl gave DD a wide berth from then.

DS2 was bullied for a while in Y5 by a very nasty bunch in Y6 but stood up to them physically. And a word to a very astute teacher put a stop to that too.

He also had a fight with a good mate in Y6 when a football tackle went wrong (I think it was six of one, half a dozen of the other). He actually gave his mate a black eye. Me and the other mum were called into the school and sat in the chairs of shame in the head's office. We both agreed it was boys being stupid and they were friends again by the next day.

I never told them not to hit back. Nevertheless ds1 has never hit anyone, its not in his nature. He is good at avoiding confrontation, or diffusing it.

Ds2 punched someone back once. They both got put on the grey cloud but he's never had to repeat the experiment. He's very given to following the rules but he woulsnt stand around letting people hit him. Luckily he's very big and strong for his age, so tends not to attract physical violence.

Ime after the first 5 years, there's far kess hitting in schools than there used to be.

arghh, not DH, DS1

Maybe I'm the odd one but I've taught my daughter to hit back, harder. Telling the teacher does nothing. I'm sick of hearing about this poor children who end up killing themselves because of bullies who weren't dealt with. So my kids stick up for themselves, but they never, EVER, start it, they'd be in more trouble than they could imagine

When I was bullied at school I had 2 strategies - become a joker so no-one would take you seriously & thus left you alone, if that didn't work, I'd just go for it - punching as hard in the face as I could.

I never won - it's not about winning, it's about making it uncomfortable for them. Eventually they go off & find someone easier to pick on.

That strategy worked well for my eldest too - he went from being a miserable, bullied child to being confident in himself and unafraid.

That then translates into adult life - you know they can't hit you at work, so you stand there & calmly and confidently deal with them.

As adults they do not put up with any crap from anyone and they DO NOT respond with violence. They are confident and quietly assertive.

Knowing you can look after yourself does that. Good for them!!

cheerbear23 but what if they misconstrue a hit from someone else - day, standing in the line, bit of messing around and your dc gets hit in the back of the head. They turn and hit back twice as hard because that’s what you’ve taught them - would you be happy with that?

That’s all a bit convoluted, reading it back but I guess my question is - if you allow violence towards other people, how do you stop the lines being blurred? What if the bully was never physical, does that still justify your DC hitting them?

No absolutely not. I’ve taught mine not to start fights but make sure you finish them so they are in doubt you are not someone to fuck with in the future.

This has never been an issue for me.
None of my children have ever been hit at school and neither was my husband or I.
I don’t know of any parents who teach their kids to hit back!
Do you all live in rough areas?
Ive never seen a parent smack their child where we live either. Most likely a link there. Parents are very big on gentle hands around here.

As adults they do not put up with any crap from anyone and they DO NOT respond with violence.

Why don’t they respond with violence any more?

DD1 was in reception when another child tried to bully her by being physical with her, after she told us her dad showed her how to punch with her fist (I know some people will not agree), next day he hit her again, she floored him, he never touched her again. I agree we shouldn’t teach our children to be violent but sometimes they have to learn to defend themselves. The other child had been a problem in nursery and continued when he started school, unfortunately he was eventually excluded, which was such a shame, he was a child who had no boundaries.

I think you’ll find plenty of adults respond with violence and get away with it

I'd always say "ask them to stop"and if that doesn't work then tell a teacher and if that doesn't work, hit back. I will support my child defending themselves if they aren't being supported by staff.

@3WildOnes I live ya a very "naice" village. The school is very "naice" too. So no, not rough at all. It's actually a well known local who has the darling little bully for a child. And as such, his behaviour is tolerated by those who are friends with her. How do you suspend your bridesmaid's child? Give detention to your best friend's kid? Send your own nephew to the headteacher? The answer is, they just don't. And it's unfair. And our children suffer for it.

But you wouldn't just turn around in a line and hit someone would you? You would suss out the situation first; what is going on, am I being attacked.

And I think if your kids are resilient, with solid self esteem, on the whole they can shrug off verbal bullying. I'm disabled and I certainly did that as a child. I know lots of kids aren't resilient nowadays and it's good that schools are focussing on that.