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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for in-laws on boxing day

200 replies

AGGIEDAD · 12/12/2018 00:52

Going out (again) with in-laws on Boxing Day and 'based on tradition' we will be splitting bill with SIL, so in-laws eat for free. As they are retired, both 'kids' have higher income, but being mortgage free, car loan free, kids free etc ILs do have more money.

Not the end of the world, but it is a biggish bill at the most expensive time of the year. What really pisses me off is that FIL abuses it. He will have 3 course, always the most expensive ones, and will always order and guzzle wine, even though he is not that keen on it and never has any at home.

AIBU to resent this? DH says just go with it, but I think he is a CF and it is making me not look forward to the lunch, which could actually be good fun.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/12/2018 05:29

It's once a year
Have a few drinks yourself and maybe you won't mind so much

NameChangerAmI · 12/12/2018 05:54

Going against the grain here, but I think it's rude of him.

If I was being treated, I wouldn't behave like that, and would be mindful of the cost to my hosts, so can understand where OP is coming from, especially if there isn't much spare money for other things.

All the people who are calling "Scrooge!" probably have a set amount that they spend on gifts for their in laws - they are totally in control of the budget under these circumstances.

This is very different, though. FIL can get through a massive amount of wine during a 3 course meal, and if he's opting for the most expensive of everything, that could add up to an eye watering amount of money.

I would be Hmm too, OP.

Dollymixture22 · 12/12/2018 06:50

Do not call him on it. Your in laws would be offended and it would cause a family rift. Not worth it for a few quid if you can afford it.

I assume he is a bit of an arse all year round, he doesn’t have a personality change on Boxing Day.

There are worse things he could do, yes it’s annoying but it’s just one of those things. Challenge yourself to see if you can totally ignore the behaviour.

LoniceraJaponica · 12/12/2018 06:54

WereYou that would only work if the OP and her husband had separate accounts. Apart from savings all our money is shared so if OH paid for something it would come out of our joint account.

Oysterbabe · 12/12/2018 06:54

I tend to eat and drink more at Christmas too. I wouldn't assume your FIL is just being a dick.

M4J4 · 12/12/2018 06:56

I also get the impression FIL isn't particularly nice during the rest of the year.

Maybe OP would come back and tell us if she hadn't already been pre-emptively accused of drip feeding Hmm

trulybadlydeeply · 12/12/2018 07:02

I think it's a nice gesture for your DH and SIL to treat their parents once a year, but it should be done with joy and not resentment. If the cost is prohibitive where you usually go, look at other options. Perhaps a buffet style restaurant where your FIL can indulge for a fixed price. You shouldn't have to struggle financially in order to find this, so there needs to be an honest conversation, whilst also acknowledging the pleasure that DH and DIL get from treating their parents.

lboogy · 12/12/2018 07:06

Without more info about FIL, I'd say you're being a tight wad and let the man enjoy his meal. Incidentally if I'm being taken out for s corporate meal I always order the most expensive thing on the menu

Littlecaf · 12/12/2018 07:09

You can just say “let’s have The leftovers at ours this year, we’re saving at the moment” and leave it at that.

PirateWeasel · 12/12/2018 07:09

If he orders more than everyone else that is taking the mickey a bit to be honest. I would never order the most expensive things when I knew someone else was paying...that's just good manners. I second a PP's suggestion that you make this meal their Christmas present. Then they can order what they like, everybody is happy with no need for a confrontation, and you aren't so out of pocket.

Holidayshopping · 12/12/2018 07:11

How long has the tradition been going?
Do they do Xmas day dinner?

Make your DH pay. They are his parents so he can pick up the bill.

That wouldn’t help if you have a joint account.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/12/2018 07:16

Well, at least he enjoys it! You want to try taking an elderly relative out to eat when all they do is moan - too hot, too cold, too tough, too sloppy, they don't know how to make pastry any more, these green beans aren't cooked enough, etc. etc. etc,

Personally, since we have more disposable cash, we always pay when eating out with adult dcs (or try to, if they haven't sneaked off to foil us) so I do get why it irks you, though.

CherryPavlova · 12/12/2018 07:17

Mean, mean, mean.
You are splitting the costs of treating your husband’s parents once a year. Yet you are resentful. Be grateful you can afford to do this and remember the years they probably went short to raise your husband.
Let him enjoy his meal and stop moaning.
We’re meeting up,with in law family before Christmas and will be footing the bill for 12 (although 4 are our adult children). We’re pleased we can afford to do so and truly thankful that we are lucky enough to be able to go out for meals and have treats. Sharing is nice.

MaisyPops · 12/12/2018 07:17

I hate it when you go for a meal and there's someone who wants expensive wine, orders the priciest items on the menu etc and then expects others to foot the bill. I think it's rude.
The FIL is doing the family version of people who order pricey 3 courses and then suggest the bill gets split with their friends who had a main and 1 drink.

It's possible to enjoy a nice family meal without taking the piss.

ShannonRockallMalin · 12/12/2018 07:34

I get why you’re annoyed, especially if you’re on a budget. It’s in the same vein as the fact that I don’t drink, yet I always end up splitting the bill with people who’ve had a couple of bottles of wine.

However, for the sake of family harmony, I think you should just suck it up. Let it become one of those private wry eye-rolls, “I see FIL is tucking into the foie gras again!”

BlimeyCalmDown · 12/12/2018 07:37

It'a once a year and if you can't afford it then go to a cheaper restaurant or offer to host. I would want to pay for my parents if they were still alive so I understand your husband wanting to and if he does earn enough then who are you to tell him he can't do this for his parents once a year. You have options if you can't afford it.

TwoGinScentedTears · 12/12/2018 07:37

Change the tradition. Ask the inlaws to pay for the drinks bill!

anniehm · 12/12/2018 07:40

Is this part of their Christmas gift? But anyway, just let it go - perhaps dmil doesn't let him have wine the rest of the year?

BobTheDuvet · 12/12/2018 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceLateAgain · 12/12/2018 07:57

To be honest, the principle of the situation would annoy me too.

But then, put your logical head on. Work out how much his CF'ery actually add to the bill. If his meal would have been £50 anyway but extra course and wine makes it £80, then after splitting with SIL makes it only £15 extra for you. It's not worth falling out with anyone for that amount or even letting it spoil your own day.

Petitprince · 12/12/2018 08:00

How do you guzzle wine? How much wine are we talking here?

gudrunandtheseeress · 12/12/2018 08:27

Let him fill his boots this time and next time get him to pay for himself if it winds you up.

Vivaldi1678 · 12/12/2018 08:33

Poor man, he is probably really happy having his meal and wine and feeling loved and cared for by his family at Christmas. Little does he know that DIL is watching him and counting up what he is eating and drinking and resenting every penny.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 12/12/2018 08:44

You are judging him for eating and drinking more than usual at Christmas time? Christ! Do you always have your judgy pants so far up your arse!?

M4J4 · 12/12/2018 08:46

No, she's judging him for deliberately picking the most expensive dishes on the menu and drinking wine when he doesn't even like it, just because he's not paying for it. Keep up Didntwantto!