Paying for in-laws on boxing day

[AGGIEDAD]

Going out (again) with in-laws on Boxing Day and 'based on tradition' we will be splitting bill with SIL, so in-laws eat for free. As they are retired, both 'kids' have higher income, but being mortgage free, car loan free, kids free etc ILs do have more money.

Not the end of the world, but it is a biggish bill at the most expensive time of the year. What really pisses me off is that FIL abuses it. He will have 3 course, always the most expensive ones, and will always order and guzzle wine, even though he is not that keen on it and never has any at home.

AIBU to resent this? DH says just go with it, but I think he is a CF and it is making me not look forward to the lunch, which could actually be good fun.

I won’t eat out with them unless we bill split as it is too depressing to spend time with people desperately trying to get as much as possible out of you.

What? The ILs who have just hosted them for Christmas Day but have a DIL who says you shouldn’t treat your parents because money should trickle down the generations (to her) and presumably expects plenty of presents off them for her kids, but then moans about her FIL having an extra G&T, a coffee and a bottled water. I think you have very much mistaken who is the person trying to get as much as possible out of whom.

The ILs who have just hosted them for Christmas Day but have a DIL who says you shouldn’t treat your parents because money should trickle down the generations

Augusta, I think you're projecting your own issues on to this thread. I don't think you're even reading what OP is saying.

OP has just said that ILs do not host them for Christmas Day so what on earth are you on about?!

You also said OP said she wants to put the money in savings for her dc, but again, she didn't say this.

This discussion is pointless as you're reading stuff that just isn't there

It totally is. OP, post on a different day and you'll get the majority supporting you.

Bullshit. This is one of the most overtly abusive OPs I have even seen. Imagine OP was a woman and posted on here?

“I am a high earner and put a lot of money into the family funds. My DH is very happy to spend £240 on himself having a night out and he says this is comfortably affordable.

My parents are very kindly hosting us for Christmas this year so me and DB are treating them to lunch on Boxing Day as usual. DH has said that he is not doing this. He has been observing what my DF eats every year right down to a coffee, bottled water and how many G&Ts. He says it is to expensive so he has forbidden me from paying. I asked him why it was affordable when he wanted to spend it on himself, but it was not permitted for me to treat my family even though we can easily afford it and he spends similar amounts. He says that’s different, it’s okay for him to spend money on himself, he deserves it, but he doesn’t believe parents should ever be treated by their children. He says money should trickle down the generations which I also take to mean that he expects to benefit from my parents estate. If I want to spend money on my parents he says I can’t because it is our children’s money for school fees, cars and houses. When he spends money on his own socialising he is never concerned about our children being deprived of that money. AIBU?

Her DH in the OPs position would be ripped to shreds and anybody who would deny that is a liar.

But the MN does have a hardcore of posters who actively cheer abuse on as long as it’s happening to a man.

It doesn't matter how much the bill is if that type of restaurant is your budget. The sentiment is the same if you had this setup at McDonald's on Boxing Day. Your husband wants to cover the cost of one of his parents to join you for the Boxing Day meal, his sister pays fo the other. You sound miserable to think badly of them for allowing their children to treat them.

I can just imagine the OP sitting at the table scowling every time her FIL orders something. I can also imagine FIL doing this just to wind up the OP.
He probably thought the dinner was a kind offer from his children, but watching the OP keep note of everything he eats and drinks might have been a bit annoying. So then it became a game to him....
How many drinks/side dishes/extras can he order before OP finally bursts a blood vessel?

Basically the OP is being fiancally absusive because she feels money should go down the generations.

Oh dear god. Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?

FWIW, OP, I’d just roll with it in your situation, for the sake of family harmony, and because I have no issue with treating my own or DH’s parents, but be not terribly impressed with your FIL’s behaviour.

But then, my own parents raised me decently and to know that if someone else is treating you, you never go for the most expensive item in any course and don’t have courses or extras that your hosts haven’t chosen first.

Yet another PIL bashing thread.....

I did assume about Xmas day because other posters asked the OP the question and she avoided it. The OP has said that they are affluent and she talked about affluent people buying cars, paying school fees and house deposits so I also thought it was a reasonable assumption that the OP wanted it for that. Possibly that was a bit of a charitable assumption, because OP clearly has no issues at all spending large amounts of money on that so maybe that’s what she wants it for? I’ve also realised the school fees, cars, houses comment may have referred to what the ILs gave to DH. Again, that would make it even worse, if they spent tens of thousands of pounds which the OP has reaped the benefits of, it’s miserly of the OP to sit grumbling over every cup of coffee and bottle of water that goes the other way.

If, as a parent, if I brought up a child who felt it was fine to take, take, take and indulge themselves but regarded gestures of thanks towards people who had helped them to be a success as an imposition and a waste of money, I’d feel I’d failed as a parent.

It makes an awful lot of people proud and happy to be in a position where they can afford to sometimes be the one who treats their parents, not resentful. I know people on benefits who are in considerable financial hardship who make sacrifices to buy their Mum a box of Poundland chocolates and a card at Xmas.How sad some people think that gestures of generosity to the people who raised you are a waste.

Besides, a person bringing a large income into a home shouldn’t need permission to spend money on affordable purchases (and we know they can afford it) if that’s what they want to spend their money on. Otherwise it’s abuse.

It just reminds me of awful 1920s households where women had to go out cleaning or take in washing and piece work but their wages went went to a husband they would have to go to cap in hand if they wanted a penny. It’s awful some people think it’s acceptable for any partner to have to get permission for affordable spending.

Oh dear god. Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?

I don’t care. Because I’m not really bothered about the opinions of people who believe it’s fine to take and splurge on yourself but not to give.

This thread just shows how venal, immoral, selfish and self absorbed our society is when saying money should come to you is wonderful but generosity is bad.

YANBU. It would piss me too. It’s shit behaviour. If he ordered the expensive wine every time he went out, it’d be one thing.
When I go out and am splitting the bill or am being taken out, I’m always mindful of not taking the piss.
The fact is OP, you lost the thread when you mentioned being a high earner. The chips on the shoulders of non high earners on this post grew to the size of thrice cooked fries almost immediately.
Whether you’re rich or not so rich, it’s the principle of the matter. But people here are focussed on your high income, hence suggestions you’re husband should divorce you 🙄

*your

I don’t care. Because I’m not really bothered about the opinions of people who believe it’s fine to take and splurge on yourself but not to give.

Not sure if you read my post at all? Where did you get the facts to put me in that category, out of interest?

But describing ‘person is annoyed at how joint money is spent and disagrees with partner over it’ as ‘financial abuse’ is so massively hyperbolic that it does a massive disservice to the many women and men who are being truly financially abused. It means people are less likely to take the real abuse seriously because people like you trivialise it. It’s quite disgusting, actually

But then, my own parents raised me decently and to know that if someone else is treating you, you never go for the most expensive item in any course and don’t have courses or extras that your hosts haven’t chosen first.

That’s not ‘decent parenting’, it’s a particularly repressed lower middle class parenting if that happens in families. In working class families the first thing the treater does is say ‘Now get what you want, it’s my treat and I want you to enjoy yourself.’ A lot of ‘decent’ families have a culture of hospitality and generosity where guests and people being treated are expected to enjoy themselves and hosts are expected to be expansive and welcoming rather than counting every penny and grumbling about it. Being an indulgent guest when you know your hosts can well afford it is far less of a social faux pas than being able to afford for your guests to have a nice time but denying them that because you don’t think they’re worth it.

But if you feel better by having a pop at someone you don't know then type away. But I won't be reading it.

Well don't ask for opinions on AIBU then! You only want opinions that match with yours.....?

And yes YABU!

That’s not ‘decent parenting’, it’s a particularly repressed lower middle class parenting if that happens in families.

Oh sweetie, no. Immigrant, so your class hang ups don’t really apply. But if you need to put me in a box to help yourself feel comfortable, parents and grandparents were professional classes (medical, legal, financial, public service).

If someone is being generous enough to treat you, you don’t take the piss out of their generosity. You use self-restraint and manners. You follow the lead of your hosts.

I’m always having to encourage my working-class father in law to treat himself as much as he likes when we’re treating. I love to treat him to things, as he rarely spends on himself. But he would never dream of sitting down and ordering the most expensive of everything on someone else’s money - he’d see it as terribly rude. So it’s up to DH and me, as the hosts, to press things on him. That’s fine, that’s how it should work.

If my host wasn’t having three courses, I would never sit down and order three courses unless they urged me to. Insufferable otherwise to assume that they are fine for me to stuff my face at their expense.

You seem to equate ‘not willing to take the piss out of my hosts’ as ‘not a generous host’. They are quite separate concepts.

I agree jassy apart from anything else, isn't it just awkward to order way more than everyone else and be sat there eating it all when they're all finished? I wouldn't do that if someone else was paying. Saying that, I think OP should probably suck it up for the sake of family harmony unless she really can't afford it.

I'm intrigued as to how this works in reality though, is FIL the only one to order 3 courses or wine?

Bring him to Global Buffet if there is any nearby. He would eat there for the whole year and you pay once at the beginning.

If someone is being generous enough to treat you, you don’t take the piss out of their generosity. You use self-restraint and manners. You follow the lead of your hosts.

Agree 100%

This thread must be difficult for those who have lost their parents and pil. Your mil may be eating less to try to compensate for her dh eating more. Unless you genuinely can't afford this or unless your dp treats your parents less well then just let it go.

For me, good manners is about accepting a host's generosity but then being subtly 'steered' by their behaviour.

The OH and I are high earners, but we have friends from across the income spectrum. If people invite us to join them and pick up the tab, then we would never be so rude as to decline, but we would be guided by what they do - i.e. one/two courses, not three, not ordering the most expensive dishes on the menu, house wine rather than an out-the-park Burgundy or whatever.

Hospitality is, to an extent, a game of two halves: the manners of the host balanced by the manners of the guest.

Thistle, exactly and very succinctly put.

This thread must be difficult for those who have lost their parents and pil.

🙄 really?! Sometimes I wonder if MN is mainly made up of 60+ MILs.

Totally agree Thistle!

Whether OP and her Dh are high earners or not, FIL is being incredibly rude and crass IMO. (And I am an oldie too!)

Ha ha - this reminds of the opposite scenario I had with MIL.
She had DD a day a week when I first went back to work, and my DM did the same. So I decided to take them out for a thank you meal at Xmas.
MIL refused a starter, ordered the smallest plainest pizza and just drank water, while me and DM tucked in and enjoyed ourselves. She spent the whole evening commenting on the cost of the meal, and asking of I was I sure I could afford it.
Bizarre.....
Didn't do it again. Which may have been her intention....