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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for in-laws on boxing day

200 replies

AGGIEDAD · 12/12/2018 00:52

Going out (again) with in-laws on Boxing Day and 'based on tradition' we will be splitting bill with SIL, so in-laws eat for free. As they are retired, both 'kids' have higher income, but being mortgage free, car loan free, kids free etc ILs do have more money.

Not the end of the world, but it is a biggish bill at the most expensive time of the year. What really pisses me off is that FIL abuses it. He will have 3 course, always the most expensive ones, and will always order and guzzle wine, even though he is not that keen on it and never has any at home.

AIBU to resent this? DH says just go with it, but I think he is a CF and it is making me not look forward to the lunch, which could actually be good fun.

OP posts:
SubtitlesOn · 12/12/2018 17:35

Yacht Xmas GrinXmas GrinXmas Grin

zukiecat · 12/12/2018 18:00

shesabloodywitch

Not everyone eats and drinks more at Xmas

Just DD and me now at Xmas (or Yule, as I am Pagan) and we will just be having a very simple meal of soup, then roast chicken.

No extras, no luxuries, and the day after it will just be back to normal food.

There will only be small token gifts exchanged, one thing each, and that's it.

Not everyone can afford all this extra food.

yoyo1234 · 12/12/2018 18:15

This would be weird for us as my ILS are very generous and frequently foot the bill. Like past posters have said do they normally eat that much if out for a meal? I think it seems odd to eat/drink things you you would not want just to run up someone else's bill.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 12/12/2018 18:22

I think kids taking parents out for a meal on Boxing day sounds like a really lovely tradition. I might steal it actually.

Having a three course meal with wine on a special occasion is hardly outrageous behaviour is it? Unless your in laws are unpleasant to you, are tight with money themselves or have form for being CF's throughout the year (in which case I could entirely understand your resentment) then I don't see a problem.

I sense a dripfeed coming.

dontgobaconmyheart · 12/12/2018 18:25

if it's not a financial problem and it is literally once a year I suppose i would suck it up, or to be honest spend less on his christmas gifts to accommodate the expense, that way FIL can CF all he likes at the restaurant, thinking he's got a bonus free meal and you can sit there equally smug that he's not got a bonus anything, since you know better.

I'm not surprised it puts you off tbh, it is crass behaviour on his part. It might be the festive season but it sounds like he is hardly going short at home or in his own finances. Lots of people don't even have somewhere to live at christmas, let alone an extra 3 course meal so it would put me off him a bit. If he is otherwise nice though i would overlook it , do the above, and try to not mind him too much during the meal, sit at the other end of the table or something, talk to others- If you are paying for it you might as well enjoy it as much as possible!

yoyo1234 · 12/12/2018 18:26

If you cannot afford it then suggest s meal at yours/elsewhere . It is completely understandable if it is causing you difficulties to feel resentful.

Propertywoe · 12/12/2018 18:29

This is why I hate when people offer to pay, to your face it’s “choose what you want, spoil yourself” and having that a doubt in your head do they mean it or will they be calling you a greedy bastard once they get home.

ShatnersBassoon · 12/12/2018 18:38

Would you be happier if he chose the soup and a glass of tap water, or embarrassed that he knows he shouldn't have what he'd really like because you're totting up his bill as he orders?

What a miserable sod you sound. Let your FIL enjoy his treat, and don't make your husband feel bad for enjoying being generous.

BlueEyedBengal · 12/12/2018 18:39

How outrageous of him to dare enjoy 3 courses with wine on Boxing Day surrounded by his family shame on him? No you sound like a charmer watching him eat and drink and judging him instead of taking pleasure in him enjoying you treating them. Don't forget they brought your husband up into the man you wanted to marry. By the way do you treat your parents like this?

Jakethekid · 12/12/2018 18:39

I wouldn't dream of ordering loads if someone else was paying. I have been brought up to be polite and I am constantly watching my own money so would never spend someone else's so easily. I even look at the prices and order accordingly if my parents or my partners parents pay for dinner out.

Someone people have been brought up on a lower budget and worry constantly about money and others have been brought up better off and maybe don't really look at prices so much. In this situation your FIL is taking the piss though.

chestylarue52 · 12/12/2018 18:45

*dontgobaconmyheart

if it's not a financial problem and it is literally once a year I suppose i would suck it up, or to be honest spend less on his christmas gifts to accommodate the expense, that way FIL can CF all he likes at the restaurant, thinking he's got a bonus free meal and you can sit there equally smug that he's not got a bonus anything, since you know better.*

Gosh do people really think like this.

Aquilla · 12/12/2018 18:49

You don't have your parents forever, you know. Make the most of it - you are making memories for them and your children.

ShatnersBassoon · 12/12/2018 18:49

Gosh do people really think like this.

Seemingly so, but it is unusually mean-spirited and selfish. I don't suppose the op's FIL sees his treat as 'getting one over' on his family.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2018 19:06

Gosh do people really think like this

They do. It's so depressing, even reading the people on this thread "I'd do this, and I'd do that" fuck all to do with the fact it's her husband's parents and he gets a say in if he wishes to take his parents out for lunch on Boxing Day or not.

Even the way the op phrases it, thr in-laws eat for free. No their children are taking them for lunch. And the thought he just does it to rack up the bill, deliberately choosing the most expensive items and guzzling wine, when in reality he's probably not doing it out of spite, it's more the op begrudges them it.

I wonder if there is a drip feed coming as to why she feels it should be her decision on what her husband is or isn't allowed to spend on us parents at lunch once a year.

MaisyPops · 12/12/2018 19:10

You don't have your parents forever, you know. Make the most of it - you are making memories for them and your children.
Yes, guilt trip people into accepting levels of cheeky fuckery.
So what if a relative orders all the expensive items, lots of wine. You should graciously be grateful they are alive.

Hezz · 12/12/2018 19:35

Genuine question

What's the difference between drinking and guzzling?

bunnyup · 12/12/2018 19:50

The difference between "sipping" and "knocking it back"

MaisyPops · 12/12/2018 20:27

What's the difference between drinking and guzzling?
One is reasonable and the other is greed. Guzzlers tend also to be the people who shovel as much food onto their plates as possible at buffet or bring and share type events. It's the behaviour of cheeky fuckery who like to be greedy (and often dine out on other people's money).

ShatnersBassoon · 12/12/2018 20:37

What's the difference between drinking and guzzling?

Whether the person watching you quaff likes you or not?

MaisyPops · 12/12/2018 20:45

I dont think like comes into it.
I like one of my colleagues but they're really quick to guzzle wine when there's bottles on the table for a meal or take a bit more cake from the staff room. I find it rude and inconsiderate.
They're a nice enough person but seem to have this weird need to feel they're getting their money's worth (or doing well out of a free situation) even if it's at other people's expense. They also are quick to suggest splitting the bill on department meals too when most people have done 1 or 2 courses or the happy hour deal and they've ordered steak, cocktails etc.
I don't think they're a nasty person; they do have a different idea of what's acceptable for meals and etiquette.

TheFairyAstronaut · 12/12/2018 23:47

Gosh do people really think like this

It’s one of those things that makes me think we’re approaching the end of days.

Tellem2 · 13/12/2018 00:03

He raised significant amount investing in who is knoe your husband to raise him. I think he can enjoy a decent three course meal during Xmas. Who invites someone out to eat, offers to pay but then says eat but not too much. Or Eat but not this or that. Doesn't make sense.

Original poster
AGGIEDAD · 13/12/2018 03:34

Thanks to everyone for their detailed and considered responses. It is always interesting to read other viewpoints.

We all invest a lot financial in our children, whether it be those on a low income struggling to put a meal on the table - or those more affluent paying for school fees, cars and house deposits. But I think we do it because we want to and certainly DH and I don't feel any sense of future entitlement because of it. If anything money should flow down the generations, not back up them.

The original post was not about affordability (although the bill at a decent hotel on Boxing Day is a few hundred pounds split 2 ways) but one of 'abuse' as FIL seems to take every opportunity to add to the bill - whether that be a double G&T at the start, the most expensive option for each course, port with his cheese and biscuits, coffee at the end and bottled water etc.

My question was AIBU to be pissed off with what I perceive to be CFery. It was no wider than that. I added his financial position as (a) he could easily contribute and (b) this is not a once-a-year chance to have something decent to eat.

Without counting responses, the overall sentiment appears to be that I am BU - and that therefore FIL is acting reasonably.

Guess I'll need to recognise the wider views and try not to focus on what FIL is up to!

Thanks for responding and Happy Christmas

OP posts:
Winterfellwonderland · 13/12/2018 03:42

Hi OP I would make it clear that this year you're splitting bill three ways not two and go ahead and order what you like. If in-laws are paying to I'm sure he wouldn't order what he wanted. I totally get why your miffed, it's really unfair on you. My mil always asks for gifts that are quite expensive and we struggle for cash at this time of year with a large family. I think some in-laws can be self entitled and grabby at this time of year. For example both our parents expect us to host then 4 days on the trot over Xmas.

crispysausagerolls · 13/12/2018 09:01

The main question of whether or not FIL is U in my opinion depends on why you take him for this lunch. I completely see what you are saying re him making damn sure he “gets his money’s worth” of a free lunch. It IS cheeky. But if they are paying for Christmas Day food (which you didn’t answer) then he’s probably reasonably entitled to BE cheeky. Sometimes cheekiness is ok.

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