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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paying for in-laws on boxing day

200 replies

AGGIEDAD · 12/12/2018 00:52

Going out (again) with in-laws on Boxing Day and 'based on tradition' we will be splitting bill with SIL, so in-laws eat for free. As they are retired, both 'kids' have higher income, but being mortgage free, car loan free, kids free etc ILs do have more money.

Not the end of the world, but it is a biggish bill at the most expensive time of the year. What really pisses me off is that FIL abuses it. He will have 3 course, always the most expensive ones, and will always order and guzzle wine, even though he is not that keen on it and never has any at home.

AIBU to resent this? DH says just go with it, but I think he is a CF and it is making me not look forward to the lunch, which could actually be good fun.

OP posts:
HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 12/12/2018 08:52

We had friends like this. If six of us went out, four of us were 'normal ' eaters and drinkers and two were human skips throwing in as much food and drink as they could muster in the allotted time. We'd then always split the bill three ways. The last time we all went out Both ours and the other couple cards were refused (because we'd both spoken to the chap behind the bar) and so the human skips had to pay for the whole meal . Both us and our other friends have never invited the greedy pair out again. I hope they learnt their lesson .

PlatypusPie · 12/12/2018 08:55

‘Guzzle’ - there’s a whole backstory of resentment right there in that choice of word.

M4J4 · 12/12/2018 08:58

he last time we all went out Both ours and the other couple cards were refused (because we'd both spoken to the chap behind the bar) and so the human skips had to pay for the whole meal.

That's fantastic! You win a CFbuster award!

IJustLostTheGame · 12/12/2018 09:10

Yanbu.
If my, better off than us, PIL invite to treat us to dinner, they make a huge fuss of tapwater only. They make a big point of not feeling hungry so it'll just be one course.
If we say we are paying then the set menu is tossed aside and it's 3 courses, aperitifs and wine galore. Plus MIL decides she doesn't want tap water she will only drink bottled.
Then at the end when I'm mentally shaving items we can do without for a few weeks off the shopping list MIL will simper 'I'm just DYING for a coffee' and FIL will stand up and shout at the waiter for one.
This happened even when we made a point of ordering tap water and one main for us.

We don't go out for dinner with them anymore unless we pay for ours.

Lifeofsmiley · 12/12/2018 09:15

humty so rather than just say we’ll pay for our own you concocted a plan with your other friends and the barman to pretend that your cards didn’t work?

mindutopia · 12/12/2018 09:18

Do they invite you and family for Christmas? Then I would say it sounds fair. We hosted my parents and my ILs for Christmas a couple years ago (my family lives overseas, so not often we are all together, so this doesn't happen regularly). Christmas food and drink came to £800! I don't mean just for Christmas lunch itself, but also dinner on Christmas eve, breakfast on Christmas morning, nibbles/cheese, wine/beer/spirits, and food for Boxing day lunch. I definitely would volunteer for the Boxing Day pub lunch bill instead in the future if I could.

diddl · 12/12/2018 09:23

Are you sure that he takes the piss Op?

Do you ever eat out with him when he's paying & he obviously is more careful?

Does it work out to an expensive Christmas present?

DishingOutDone · 12/12/2018 09:46

Op there isn't much to go on (and I for one am confused about who is who) but basically the FiL sounds like a pisstaker. However, if the PiL were people who constantly treated their family well and cared for them throughout the year then of course you wouldn't begrudge it (although its still rude to stuff yourself when others are treating you to a meal).

Am I right to suspect that they are not a generous loving family the other 364 days of the year?

Genevieva · 12/12/2018 09:47

Agree a set menu with the restaurant, with a reduced choice that create a meal of an agreed price. Similarly, as for a reduced choice of wines at a price you are comfortable with. If the restaurant say no then cancel.

ArfArfBarf · 12/12/2018 09:55

I really dislike my FIL but I would struggle to be bothered if he did this. It’s one meal a year split between two families.

PerfectPeony · 12/12/2018 09:57

I just think this is weird because for us it would be the other way around. Even if we earn more they never let us pay.

DistanceCall · 12/12/2018 10:06

Unless there is something else going on here, I think inviting (together with your sibling) your parents to a big meal out once a year is a nice thing to do.

If you can't afford it, find a cheaper restaurant.

aconcertpianist · 12/12/2018 10:22

Ask your husband to have a quiet word and tell your PIL that you really can't afford this tradition and maybe have a Jacob's Join at your home.

Do you have children? If so, it could be pointed out that the money spent on their over eating could be better spent on his grandchildren and unless he has a heart of stone, this should do the trick!

ConkerGame · 12/12/2018 10:47

This all depends on whether there’s a back story or not and whether the OP and her DH are in financial difficulty or not.

If FIL is generally a nice man who has presumably paid plenty for DH and possibly OP over the years, and OP and her DH are not in financial difficulty, then OP is being a ridiculous Scrooge. I would be so disappointed and embarrassed if my DP didn’t want to pay for my parents in this situation, no matter how many courses my dad wanted. Let the poor man enjoy himself at Christmas!

However, if FIL is a tightwad himself, never pays for anything for the family and OP and DH are struggling financially, then this is an entirely different scenario and the answer is to pick a much cheaper buffet style place where there’s a set price (or stop the tradition if DH and SIL are in agreement).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/12/2018 10:50

depends....

  • do they do things for you during the year (any child care, meals or them etc)
  • do you do anything like this for your relatives
  • can you afford it
HirooOnoda · 12/12/2018 12:36

@M4J4

Deliberately picking the most expensive meals or simply picking the things he likes but doesn’t get the opportunity to eat throughout the year? Drinking wine he doesn’t like - you just sound stupid here - you genuinely believe he doesn’t like it simply as he doesn’t drink it routinely yet forces it down his neck out of pure spite 🙄

The poor man has spent his life (and a small fortune no doubt) raising his children and what does he get back - one meal once a year and even that is begrudged. I think you, the OP and others with that mindset need to be a little more grateful for what others have done for them and be thankful that they get the opportunity to go some very small way in saying thank you. Quite frankly it’s a little embarrassing to begrudge someone this small offering

ID81241 · 12/12/2018 13:13

I'm not sure what the issue is... you're treating him to a meal at Christmas time and he enjoys & indulges himself? Agree with other posters that there must be a backstory here otherwise OP is BU bill watching like that.

Petitprince · 12/12/2018 13:23

I'd be mortified if anyone held back on ordering what they wanted because I was paying. I'd hope they'd enjoy themselves, relax and eat and drink what they liked.
In terms of him eating and drinking more on a Boxing day meal than he does on a normal Tuesday night at home - do we not all do that? I rarely eat three courses at home and limit my wine intake (for health reasons). But when it comes to being out with friends and family it's quite normal to eat more.
Is there a backstory here OP? You sound mean.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 12/12/2018 13:42

My mum and dad are retired but their pensions are far more than I earn working full time, and they have no mortgage and get OAP discounts everywhere. But I still treat them every now and again as it's nice to do so.

biggidybon · 12/12/2018 16:02

Wooow ... if both of their kids have higher income, why are you whining over them splitting the cost of one meal for their parents and treating them at Christmas. Even if your DH and BIL, didn't have higher incomes, it's just a meal AT CHRISTMAS!! Just wow.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2018 16:05

So once a year your husband and his sister take their parents out for lunch and you object to how much your father in law consumes,

Nice, that's their parents ffs, it's a lovely thing for your husband and sister to do so leave it be.

bluegreygreen · 12/12/2018 16:46

We'll be back in my home town over Christmas.

We're with my in-laws on Christmas day, but will be taking my parents out for a meal later in the week. We'll be encouraging them to eat anything they want, to have 3 courses etc. We do this at some point over the Christmas holidays each year, and all four of us have a great time.

Why would anyone take parents out for a meal at Christmas and then resent them enjoying their meal?

shesabloodywitch · 12/12/2018 16:49

YABU it's once a year and everyone eats and drinks more at Xmas

MilStrikesAgain789 · 12/12/2018 17:11

How long has this tradition been going on? It would not be unreasonable to put a stop to it this year or suggest splitting the bill between all adults especially if they have more disposoble income after all the bills are paid. Or can you suggest a cheaper restaurant or FIL pays for the drinks?

CouldIBeAnymoreHungry · 12/12/2018 17:33

YANBU to be annoyed he over indulges knowing you are footing the bill. If I was having a meal paid for I'd be conscious of not taking the piss.

You need to weigh up how much they do for you throughtout the year & if paying half their meal on Boxing Day kinda balances things out.

If they are good to you then pay the bill but as pp have suggested maybe have this as their Christmas present. If they aren't good to you then find an excuse to back out of this tradition before your resentment escalates & causes issues in your relationship.

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