Paying for in-laws on boxing day

[AGGIEDAD]

Going out (again) with in-laws on Boxing Day and 'based on tradition' we will be splitting bill with SIL, so in-laws eat for free. As they are retired, both 'kids' have higher income, but being mortgage free, car loan free, kids free etc ILs do have more money.

Not the end of the world, but it is a biggish bill at the most expensive time of the year. What really pisses me off is that FIL abuses it. He will have 3 course, always the most expensive ones, and will always order and guzzle wine, even though he is not that keen on it and never has any at home.

AIBU to resent this? DH says just go with it, but I think he is a CF and it is making me not look forward to the lunch, which could actually be good fun.

Pay the bill. I bet in a few short years you will gladly split the inheritance with SIL

Yabu! Seriously it's once a year, not once a week. Your fil is not being cheeky, he's enjoying himself.
How sad

I hate it when you go for a meal and there's someone who wants expensive wine, orders the priciest items on the menu etc and then expects others to foot the bill. I think it's rude.

If you feel like that, you should explain at the outset that you'd like a separate bill for your meal, and then you can just pay for yourself.

I don't understand why people sit through what should be a pleasant evening for everyone and spend it mentally totting up who's having what and how unfair it is. I'm a greedy bastard who likes a drink and there's nothing worse than someone sitting there with a mouth like a cat's arse when I order a second bottle and a liqeur or 2 with my coffee.

LakieLady
People can do what they like as long as they don't expect others to fund it.

If someone invites me out for a meal and they are paying then it would take the piss for me to have a few double spirits on arriving, then expensive courses, then a bottle of expensive wine, then a coffee etc.

When we go out for meals with friends we tend to split the bill as everyone orders middle of the range items (and it evens out over time). We always take the wine off before splitting so only those in on the wine pay for it. Why should a friend subsidise my tipples?

It's not a case of being frugal or having a cats bum face over someone enjoying a drink. It's about not taking the piss if someone else is footing the bill.
Though I'm starting to think anyone who claims not to see a problem with expecting others funding their expensive choices are more likely to be those who are cheeky.

Have it at home? It will cost considerably less.

If it comes down to “treating them” I would prefer to buy them something nice with the money a dinner for 6 costs on Christmas Day and spend the day in the comfort of my own home cooking food the way it like it and feel safe in the fact I’m not getting ripped off!

I guess the big question is ‘can you afford it?’ If you can then let it go. If you can’t then say something. Me and my sister earn massively different amounts of money. I’m single parent of 2 children and she’s married with one child. I earn around £15k and I suspect their income is more like £150k. We went away together and my mum offered to pay the bill one night for food and did. The next night my sister offered to pay the bill and did. I had to speak up and say that there was no way on earth that I could afford to pay the bill another night. I’d mappipy pay for me and my 2 children each night and choose what I can afford but can’t push out the boat for 4 adults and 3 children. I don’t drink and they all do. My kids get the child’s menus but her child the same age gets to choose what ever she wants and often gets something off the adult menu as it’s healthier and dad will finish off what she can’t eat. So mine get £5 for their 3 courses and drink and the other child gets a main worth about £15 plus a pudding and drink. Luckily no one seems offended at my lack of ability to pay and I never order more expensive food than I would if I paid myself - I tend to go a bit cheaper if someone else pays purely out of guilt.

Get a grip, it’s once a year. You have higher incomes and they are his parents. Maybe one day if your children are in the same position they’ll treat you.

Mind you, if she gives this example to her DCs, the likelihood is that they won't.

I've read to page 5 but actually feel some sympathy for Aggiedad. I have an FIL who used to drive me nuts in his old fashioned attitude that the oldest male of the house deserved first choice/the best. I used to feel v. sorry for my MIL at being treating so appallingly. Examples would include him assuming that he had both chicken legs at sunday roast leaving the 7 of us (my dh, my mil, and my 4 dc's) with tiny portions of meat. He also took what ever pudding he wanted first too. I used to fight back with small 'victories' like if we were driving anywhere I would be the driver leaving him to worry about whether he should sit next to me or his son. But I've been with my dh for almost 29 years now and gradually learnt, as my children have grown, that these irksome moments have more effect on my children (his grandchildren) than they do on him and that for their sake its better for me to let it go. In terms of how he treats his wife, I've had to gradually realise that she actually loves to be a martyr and given that they celebrated 50 years of marriage recently it obviously works for them. As for when they come to us for Roast chicken - petty I know, but I strip the carcass and simply tell him all my family love the dark meat so I just mix it up. I know its petty, but that small thing allows me to keep my sanity. As for food when we visit inlaws - we get McDonalds on the way there!

What I'm trying to say is that I fully understand how you feel, I have/would feel the same. I don't think your feelings are BU, BUT for the sake of family relations and your kids relations with their grandparents you, unfortunately need to find a way to deal with it. Why not befriend your equivalent on the other sibling's side and the pair of you/all four/ the entire family arrive for breakfast or have a few bottles of Prosecco before the inlaws arrive? Or go to a cheaper restaurant etc. As an aside, wish I'd video'd it - best moment of my FIL. He'd crossed his leg and was kicking on leg in time to some music - the slipper flew off. He actually called his wife in to put it back on - And... even worse, she did so. Good luck Aggiedad. I feel your upset/frustration.

Let's hope your children never want to spoil you in years to come over Christmas - it'll probably end in their divorce. The money is supposed to flow dowwwwn the generations.

You clearly have a problem with FIL. I'm on a very low income, but do when I can afford to treat my Mum. A double G&T before dinner is extravagant? Port with cheese extravagant? Blimey even on my part time wage as a single parent I wouldn't begrudge going halves with my brother to treat my Mum to that.

Cheesemongery, I realise and hear what you're saying but like an earlier poster said I was raised to watch what the host/s were buying and to adapt my wants to not more than a pound more than they were having and preferably less. I was raised that this is a fundamental bit of politeness. Unlike the original poster my in laws do do this and we both enjoy being able to encourage them to have what they want, to over ride their cost based choices and give them far more and enjoy the look of happiness/Surprise that crosses their faces. I recently (without my DH's knowledge) bought them tickets to see someone they idolised, never in a million years could they have afforded it, yet they still offered to pay. It felt wonderful to say to them, no, this is our gift to you because we love you. There is a massive difference between giving and having it taken without regard. Aggiedad's FIL is grabbing as much as he can. Whereas had he always been conservative I suspect she wouldn't feel like she does. They take them out and give them a gift, yet her FIL is behaving like a greedy child. I'm guessing there's no heartfelt thank you's either. Unfortunately for AggieDad for her relationship with her OH and kids if she has any she needs to find a way to deal with this. But irrelevant of money who wants to treat someone who goes out of their way to spend all your money? Even if she can afford it - its not exactly polite.

Sorry, I've not RTFT, but just wanted to say this sort of behaviour on the part of your FIL would massively alter the way I felt about him. I wouldn't behave like that and I'd totally judge someone who did, regardless of how much money I had.

I think you should take them somewhere like Havester if you don't want to spend so much perhaps bare them in mind for next year maybe?

We don't go to the in laws on Christmas Day and so they have no hosting costs of any signicance.

Aahhh, let me guess.....

You spend Christmas Day either hosting your own parents or going to them, or possibly at a push, you spend it without any extended family. This is non-negotiable on your say-so.

DH and I are both high earners and it is not about the money, but about being taken advantage of.

Perhaps it's his way of redressing the balance and assuaging any guilt about never spending Christmas Day with them. If so, then I think you should just do the decent thing and suck it the fuck up.

There is something really, really unpleasant about someone on a high joint income watching her husband treat his parents to something nice at Christmas and resenting every non-essential course they order, describing how they 'guzzle' wine and being appalled at the cheese and port.

It's CHRISTMAS FFS. Given that he keeps them at arm's length every Christmas Day (for whatever reason) it's the very least he can do.

We take my PILs out whenever they visit and are happy to treat them each time. Howver, they certainly don’t take the p!ss ordering more than normal or suddenly developing a liking for the most expensive things on the menu.. they order the same way whomever is paying. If they started behaving like OPs FIL I would very quickly stop feeling the urge to treat anybody anymore. Rude people, no thanks

Everybody suggesting OP should go somewhere cheaper is missing the point. The issue is being taken for granted, not the absolute cost of the meal

Guests can't win. I see that always ordering the most expensive stuff could come across badly, but it is also annoying when you try to treat someone and they choose the cheapest stuff, so as "not to be a trouble" or because they don't feel they deserve the a treat. We have relatives of both sorts.

Only offer to take people out and pay for them if you're happy for them to choose what they want from the menu. It's perfectly possible that the expensive dishes just appeal to your FIL more. Steak (for example) isn't expensive because it's widely disliked.

Perhaps you should take everyone to a restaurant that offers a seasonal set menu at a fixed price to avoid this issue.

You can’t really do anything about what food they order, but you can control the wine ordering. If you, your DH and SIL etc are paying, surely you ask for the wine list to place the order?

Bill splitting dilemma... Bingo.
In-laws... Bingo
Christmas... Bingo
'my parents are dead so you should be grateful yours are still alive' ... Bingo
Accusations of abusive relationship...Bingo!

This thread is batshit.

This thread must be difficult for those who have lost their parents and pil.

No not difficult at all. I lost my parents young, and my PILs in my 30’s and I completely understand OP’s point of view.

Augusta’s posts OTOH, reach a whole new level of crazy as she seems to embellish as she goes, and as for introducing emotional and financial abuse, I’m speechless!

Perhaps you should take everyone to a restaurant that offers a seasonal set menu at a fixed price to avoid this issue
^ this would help to stop them taking the piss

I'm with the OP here and I hope venting has been you feel better! My FIL does this with wine, will order at least 2 bottles at any meal out (to be fair he would drink that at home) and will ignore a fixed price set menu and order something expensive. Very annoying. We also had a neighbour who we treated to an all you can eat Chinese meal , the price of the food was £15 odds then he had 4 cokes with it at £3 each so nearly doubled the cost of the meal. We won't go out with them again. It wasn't the cost, it was the waste of money.

@AGGIEDAD I see your point. Overall a once a year treat is a lovely gesture. However I think its the intent behind it to get all he can. I have a family member who NEVER pays for anything. When we go out as a family they never ever offer to pay. Their parent seems to treat them like they are still 7 (when in fact they are late 30s). If their parent got the last meal then we try to get the next one and CF just tags along on them all. Never even occurs to them to pay. They also will get a coffee and a bottle of water. Often the water goes into their bag for later. Ive also been at the checkout in cafes with them and they will grab a last minute bag of crisps and chocolate bar, which also goes into their bag. They genuinely dont see anything wrong with it but never put their hand in their pocket. Its literally the greedy intent. So I do understand your point and its more about the grabby nature and entitlement.

Their parent and me exchange Christmas presents and EVERY year their parent will message me when they receive mine saying "do you have A SPARE one for X? They would love one" Ummmm no. Shockingly I buy the right amount of Christmas presents and dont buy spares. especially not for someone who has never bought me ANYTHING. Been to my birthday parties, my Childrens christenings and communions and NEVER brought even a card. I find it so odd.

I think Yabu tbh but it seems you’ve realised that.
I wouldn’t personally go for the most expensive of everything if someone else was paying but I’m vegetarian and don’t drink alcohol so would probably be the cheapest bill anyway.
On the other hand if I was treating someone I wouldn’t want them to feel they couldn’t have what they wanted or had to drink tap water to save me money.
Was is partly your/your dh’s idea to start this tradition or was it sil who suggested it and you got sucked in? If you were only prepared to pay for a basic meal with no trimmings then I don’t think you should have agreed to be part of it. People do tend to eat a lot/nicer foods at Christmas and forcing someone to order the cheap stuff isn’t much of a treat! I’d rather pay personally so I could have what I wanted.
Obviously it would be different if you weren’t well off but I’d assume you wouldn’t offer to pick up the tab at all if that was the case.