Paying for in-laws on boxing day

[AGGIEDAD]

Going out (again) with in-laws on Boxing Day and 'based on tradition' we will be splitting bill with SIL, so in-laws eat for free. As they are retired, both 'kids' have higher income, but being mortgage free, car loan free, kids free etc ILs do have more money.

Not the end of the world, but it is a biggish bill at the most expensive time of the year. What really pisses me off is that FIL abuses it. He will have 3 course, always the most expensive ones, and will always order and guzzle wine, even though he is not that keen on it and never has any at home.

AIBU to resent this? DH says just go with it, but I think he is a CF and it is making me not look forward to the lunch, which could actually be good fun.

Actually I'm with you op.
For me it wouldn't be the money but the uncharacteristic gluttony.

The previous poster mentioned she went all out with her Mum had everything and openly really enjoyed the treat and that I'd be fine with, it's the underhanded method your fil goes about that would irk.

but don't we all do that.when my grandparents always took us out we thought yay treat time!

Are you talking about when you were a child, though? We all had more excuse to be thoughtless as children but this is a grown man.

I agree with Thistle that there is such a thing as being a good guest as well as being a good/generous host.

Personally I'd suggest somewhere cheaper or say you and DH will be paying for yourselves. But I don't care very much about causing ill feeling because I'm a miserable oink.

The bottom line is they can afford it. Her husband is happy to proceed with it. It's his parents. His call unless she's about to drip feed in she earns all the money and resents him spending. Or he's a big spender.

But without some drip feed, right now, his parents, they can afford it, his choice. Just like the hen do is hers.

HerRoyalNotness - Cat bum Face made me LOL at my computer

I would resent it to but that’s because I don’t like my in laws even though they are extremely generous to us. I would put a bit of money away each month towards it so that in my head it was already paid for. I’d probably have to bite my tongue all through the meal though too. Good Luck!

YABU and mean-spirited, IMO.

Would be different if you couldn’t afford it, or he was some kind of a toxic abuser. Why should money/comfort/treats etc just keep multiplying down the generations? If he was a decent father to your DH then can he not have a Christmas treat in his old age? No older person in our family would be expected to pay when with us, we respect them too much and appreciate the hardships that they’ve endured. Comparatively, even if they were helped by their own parents, their lives would have been much harder than ours. Even if they had it easy, they’re still his parents, they’ve done their best for him and I’m sure given him all that they ever could. Is a nice dinner really too much to ask. For pp mentioning friend groups and CFs that they know of etc etc, this is totally different, the relationship here is not equal, we are all indebted to our elders and our parents and grandparents. It’s totally different than some git at work who always slips off before buying a round!

My parents and PIL certainly have had their difficult ways. They’re very much products of their generations, and their emotional distance and issues affect them as much as anyone else. We feel lucky enough to have the knowledge and resources to hopefully not pass on our issues to our own children. When we do something with our parents, we wholeheartedly expect them to enjoy every minute. My MIL and I don’t really see eye to eye, but we always take her out for her favourite food (crab and lobster!), and her enjoyment is palpable. My DH takes her to get her hair and nails done about once a year and dutifully sits there while it’s happening. He’s proud to have grown through any resentment for some of his (not abusive) childhood, and she deserves that. She’s raised lots of children in really hard circumstances, to the best of her ability. He’d have gone nowhere and done nothing without his parents’ hard work and investment in his education. My MIL literally orders everything on the menu when we go out, and why shouldn’t she? She is aware that we can afford it comfortably, she eats like a bird if we’re not there, and has had a hard slog up until retirement. Even I don’t begrudge her the lobster with a pile of scallops and crab and oysters on the side. Why would I?

I give every opportunity to my own children, but certainly not raising them to bankroll my retirement. I’d be devastated though, if they begrudged me a Christmas meal in 30 years time when they’re “high earners”. They’ll only be high earners because we do everything we can to give them stepping stones into a good life. Literally everything!

I just schlepped halfway across town to get my mum soup from a deli she likes, because she’s not feeling well. When I was a kid I’d be lucky to get a tin of Heinz cream of tomato that I’d have to ding in the microwave myself. Who needs to count though? We should all be more generous and warm to one another. Appreciate all of the people that have given you the tools to create a lovely life. If you can afford it, then who cares?

Good grief. When I take people out for a meal, I expect them to enjoy themselves and I don't sit there all slitty-eyed with meanness using words like 'guzzle' and counting the glasses of wine they have. I think you're looking for reasons to be offended with them. Don't take them out if you don't want them to enjoy themselves.

OP, just out of interest what is your relationship like with your in-laws? I do not have a great relationship with mine at all, and I have experienced exactly what you’re saying and it makes my blood boil so I would say YANBU. However, I do feel that if I had a significantly better relationship with my in-laws and that I felt they weren’t trying to screw us for every penny they could, then the situation probably wouldn’t bother me as much.

*Hailthelime

I would resent it to but that’s because I don’t like my in laws even though they are extremely generous to us.*

Do you realise how wrong this is??? Don’t let them be “extremely generous” to you if you don’t like them!

This is not financial abuse, she hasn't told her DH that he can't spend the money, but she's allowed to be annoyed by someone blatantly abusing their son and DIL's goodwill.
I agree.
I enjoy going for meals with my family but wouldn't dream of abusing the situation by eating the most expensive items, adding additional pricey drinks because that's beyond the realm of reasonable. It's being rude and cheeky.

If probably have some wine with the meal and wouldn't think twice about 3 courses if it's a nice occasion (as that's what we do), but the idea of ordering all the most expensive things when someone else is footing the bill feels very uncomfortable to me.

The FIL seems to be the type who'll get there and have a pricey drink, make his spirits a double, knock the wine back, be quickly to get another bottle, order the most expensive courses etc because someone else is paying. I couldn't do that to my parents and find it awful a parent would be happy doing that to their child.

Having a bit of common sense doesn't remove the nice occasion. A boxing day meal isn't ruined or less special if you choose not to neck lots of alcoholic drinks and pricey dishes.

It’s straight up financial abuse

Sigh.

It really, really isn't.

I work with abused women and children on a daily basis and it really irks me when this term gets bandied about inappropriately. You can disagree with OP's point of view, think she's being mean and unfair to her partner but that doesn't mean she's an abuser.

Definitely NBU. Change payment split this year. Pay for yourselves

YANBU OP. And I get where you're coming from. This is absolutely and completely not about the money.

DH and I are relatively high earners. My parents are retired, but very very comfortable. Sometimes they treat us, sometimes we treat them but it is always clear at the beginning of the meal who is treating who, and the "treater" would be the one to choose the wine, and any extras. That's just plain good manners.

Your FIL is rude.

And again, in case anyone didn't get it the first time, it's really really not about the money.

When we have children we give them everything we can .When many of us retire we continue to do this even though often our children are earning more than we have and we are careful because we want to save some for them for when we arent around anymore often going without things to do this.So....you complain about a meal once a year????

Your FIL is probably indulging because it's Christmas, rather than because you are paying. If you are splitting the bill with Sil then you are effectively only paying for one extra person. I'd let it go.

You are definitely not being unreasonable - their generation benefitted from much cheaper housing and as a result are comfortable in retirement. I think they should pay for everyone - I certainly will continue to pay for my adult children as I know their mortgages and childcare costs will be enormous. My Mil once tried to get us to pay for a birthday weekend away for them which would have been her fifth holiday of the year. Some of that generation can be incredibly entitled.

This is such a mean/ unkind thread!

It's Christmas - your husband is treating his parents - would you like it if one day your own kids treated you - once a year!

How horrible to treat someone then watch what they eat and judge them. Either don't do it or don't watch and judge.

It might be that they don't realise you are short of money - but whatever it is, if you are offering the meal then be glad they are enjoying it.

If you can't afford it - step back and say you would rather host / find a cheaper place to eat.

enjoy going for meals with my family but wouldn't dream of abusing the situation by eating the most expensive items, adding additional pricey drinks because that's beyond the realm of reasonable. It's being rude and cheeky.

A lot depends on where you go and just how much money is involved.

I've seen people rack up >£1,000 on the drinks part of a meal (pre-meal drinks; costly wine; vintage brandy etc.). Split between 2, that's an extra £500 apiece bar the food (which can come in as a distant second in cost but still considerable).

When the bill comes, you could ask your FiL if he would like you to pay for your whole share or would he rather you pay a portion of it and spend the rest of it on the children.

I am sure he would choose the latter option. So, you would be paying for some of his meal and, at the same time, he would have the pleasure of contributing something nice for his grandchildren.

This would be a lovely compromise and everyone would be happy.

if he didn't and I would be amazed if he didn't take you up on that, then pay anyway but at least your DH could see the situation clearly and next year might bang the whole tradition on the head.

I would think that it’s a bit late now, 13 days before to say no? Sounds like it’s been arranged for a while? Maybe inform them that finances are tight and you won’t be able to do it next year...

arranbubonicplague
Fair point.

I think for me it's about treat others how you would want to be treated. I wouldn't like it if someone took advantage of my generosity and so don't take advantage of others.
If someone invites me for a meal then I'll order a nice meal, probably enjoy some wine but wouldn't go overboard because it screams 'I'm happy to dine out on you money' and it feels very rude to me.
Equally, I'd expect others to behave similarly.

I find MN odd with money sometimes. Claims of go to a cheaper venue for the meal if you can't afford it/dont want to pay makes no sense. What about stick with the nice venue and FIL stops being cheeky?
Or that if you invite someone out then it's totally reasonable for them to rack up an extortionate tab because someone else is paying and rolling over is the polite thing to do.
CF (in my experience) seem to rely on the fact everyone else is hung up being too polite to call them out.

YANBU (though OP's gone I think)

Cheeky behaviour, no question

For goodness sake, it's only once a year. Surely you can suck it up. If you were desperately hard up, they'd probably treat you.

We only get one set of parents (just as well), so treating them, with your sister in law, once a year at Christmas is not a big thing. It's actually a very kind act and something that I'm sure they talk about with their friends afterwards.

Don't be a meany.

Try to view it as a joint Xmas gift to your PILs and just suck it up & smile. Honestly the best way (tho I really do sympathise)