Paying for in-laws on boxing day

[AGGIEDAD]

Going out (again) with in-laws on Boxing Day and 'based on tradition' we will be splitting bill with SIL, so in-laws eat for free. As they are retired, both 'kids' have higher income, but being mortgage free, car loan free, kids free etc ILs do have more money.

Not the end of the world, but it is a biggish bill at the most expensive time of the year. What really pisses me off is that FIL abuses it. He will have 3 course, always the most expensive ones, and will always order and guzzle wine, even though he is not that keen on it and never has any at home.

AIBU to resent this? DH says just go with it, but I think he is a CF and it is making me not look forward to the lunch, which could actually be good fun.

OP, please don't think you're BU, because you're not.

The original post was not about affordability (although the bill at a decent hotel on Boxing Day is a few hundred pounds split 2 ways) but one of 'abuse' as FIL seems to take every opportunity to add to the bill - whether that be a double G&T at the start, the most expensive option for each course, port with his cheese and biscuits, coffee at the end and bottled water etc

Anyone who thinks the above is reasonable is trolling you.

Seems the Grinch wants to steal boxing day too.

But I think we do it because we want to and certainly DH and I don't feel any sense of future entitlement because of it. If anything money should flow down the generations, not back up them.

For Christ’s sake! Your DH is paying for half a meal for his parents once a year. Not sending them on cruises twice a year and paying private medical bills. Do you ‘allow’ him to buy then Christmas presents, do you stand over him while he’s wrapping them tut tutting about how that could have gone towards your kids deposit the way you resent a few glasses of wine. This is another thread where a woman is doing something which would be clear abuse if a man did it, but some poster think it’s okay if a woman does it. It’s not. It’s clear emotional and financial abuse. His Dad has a coffee and bottled water? Shock horror!

And what do you mean “if anything money should flow down the generations”. I bet you’re praying they don’t need nursing care so the money can flow down the generations aren’t you? It’s money and time they spent on their children that allows you to have the sort of lifestyle where you can talk about buying cars and houses for your kids. Half a meal a year from your children is not entitled. I think your attitude that you can dictate how your husband spends his earnings is the entitled one.

If my DH or any friends spouse, I would be advising them to leave immediately and certainly not leave a present under the tree. Life is a waste spent with someone so grasping and acquisitive yet mean and stingy with others.

I would also feel used. You don’t care about your husband’s desires or family or feelings. You sound like you married his wallet instead of him.

But if they are paying for Christmas Day food (which you didn’t answer)

Oh but money is supposed to flow down the generations.

For Christ’s sake! Your DH is paying for half a meal for his parents once a year.

It could be joint money. It's interesting that you assume DH has the money not OP.

I can't believe people think OP should be happy stumping up hundreds of pounds every year for FIL to stuff himself

On any other thread this would be called excess.

I'm reminded of some real restaurant CF-ery, which will make anything of the OP's FiL fade to nothing.

Elderly friend's Big birthday, for which he wanted a weekend in London, tickets for a West End show, and a slap up lunch at a famous central London carvery. And he wanted me and dh to join him and his dw.

Dh and I paid for the 4 West End theatre tickets, £45 ish each, plus our own overnight central London stay, and lunch on the first day.

A dd joined us for the carvery lunch - for which Friend (incidentally not remotely hard up) had said he would be happy to pay. For central London the bill was high but not excessive. At the end of it, as was common with him, Birthday friend had conveniently forgotten his wallet.
As so often, dh just paid up with no comment or complaint.

It was at least 3 weeks before he finally sent us a cheque - evidently reluctantly and only after pressure from his Mrs., and although we'd been used to this sort of behaviour for years, it was the first time I saw my very chilled and tolerant Dh genuinely pissed off about his habit of 'forgetting' his wallet and letting others pay.

Basically the OP is being fiancally absusive because she feels money should go down the generations. I bet OP would hate if her husband made comments about her treating her parentd.

But then the OP is a CF thinking she should be treated.

YABU - He is just enjoying himself and rightly so! If he knew how little you thought of him I imagine he would be devastated!

I often pay when I go out for dinner with my inlaws or my parents and I couldn't care less what they eat or drink - I don't sit there judging!!

Either loosen up and stop being so bloody tight or just don't go and let your DH enjoy time with his parents!

It could be joint money. It's interesting that you assume DH has the money not OP.

I can't believe people think OP should be happy stumping up hundreds of pounds every year for FIL to stuff himself

OP has specified that her DH is a high earner. If you were a high earner would you take your parents to Wetherspoons. The OP has said the money is not needed for day to day expenses but she is angry because she wants it to be put in savings for her children.

All money is joint money when you married to some extent. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay for a high earner to be told that despite putting a lot of money in the family pot (joint or not) they are not allowed to take a relatively small amount of money out of the pot to treat their family. It’s straight up financial abuse.

It is not a few hundred pounds just for fil to stuff himself. It is a few hundred pounds for a meal for herself, husband, Children and Fil or does everyone else sit around with a glass of tap water watching Fil stuff himself?
It is half the cost of a meal once a year for someone on a “higher income”
You sound pretty mean spirited. Do you sit and tot up how much you spend on your own family And only take your ours to the last cal carvery?

Going against the grain here, but I think it's rude of him.

As a retired IL I too think he's being rude, I certainly wouldn't take advantage of my family like that.
We occasionally go out in a group and one of the party always clarifies before the meal that we'll just split the bill , he too orders all the most expensive items and much alcohol. Once, a couple of our friends hadn't been too well and it was suggested that we all pay for our own as they couldn't eat much, he then ordered a very cheap single course and instructed his wife to do the same!.

Just to put this in perspective. OP posted elsewhere that it wasn’t a problem for her to spend £240 on a hen night where she is a “peripheral” guest, so not close family. Yet she is objecting to her OP spending a similar amount on his parents. This is straight up financial abuse.

If I was him, I would be gathering evidence of this attitude to money to take to a divorce lawyer.

OP has specified that her DH is a high earner. If you were a high earner would you take your parents to Wetherspoons. The OP has said the money is not needed for day to day expenses but she is angry because she wants it to be put in savings for her children.

Augusta that doesn't mean DH is the ONLY earner. It's joint money. And OP doesn't she wants to put it in savings for her children, stop making things up. And she doesn't sound angry, you sound angry.

It’s straight up financial abuse.

This is not financial abuse, she hasn't told her DH that he can't spend the money, but she's allowed to be annoyed by someone blatantly abusing their son and DIL's goodwill.

Dontsweat

You sound pretty mean spirited. Do you sit and tot up how much you spend on your own family And only take your ours to the last cal carvery?

What a horrible comment. Some people can only afford the local carvery. You sound plain nasty, well done.

We go out with our grown-up children quite a bit, and we always pick up the bill because we like nicer wine, we do enjoy an aperitif, and yes DH prefers bottled water. However, once a year they insist on picking up the bill and we really appreciate the offer.

Not that this probably added much to the debate but hey ho.

I love a carvery and to me it is a treat.

But this thread is not about affordability. She just begrudges paying for her FILmtomeat and drink what he chooses once a year. And as Augusta has already posted op is happy to spend £240: on a night out with a not so close friend so money is no object when she wants to spend it.

Fil to eat and drink bastard iPad has a mind of its own sometimes😩

We have relatives like this. I won’t eat out with them unless we bill split as it is too depressing to spend time with people desperately trying to get as much as possible out of you.

I took a friend for lunch last Summer and there was a lobster special. She ordered first and chose a something else, I ordered the lobster and suggested that she did too. She happily agreed because like me she had been brought up to never order the most expensive thing on the menu if not paying. I understood exactly how she thought. I don’t understand people who think that they’re not paying so order as much as they can... It’s just rude.

If I was him, I would be gathering evidence of this attitude to money to take to a divorce lawyer.

Where's the crying laughter emoji when you need one?

Pretty sure OP's DH would find your view laughable too.

I think the post is moving away from my initial question. We don't go to the in laws on Christmas Day and so they have no hosting costs of any signicance. DH and I are both high earners and it is not about the money, but about being taken advantage of. I would think the same if we went to a McDonalds and a guest went for the most expensive meal, went large, lobbed on onion rings, a dessert and got a milk shake and a coffee. In my mind that is not normal behaviour and is someone being cheeky and taking advantage of the kind offerl. Same applies when three colleagues go for a drink after work and one makes her excuses after two drinks and waltzes off after a free night out. Again not life changing but annoying.

I am not sure how the responses have strayed on potential nursing home fees and the like.

The original post was simply, happy to pay £300+ as our contribution to a meal on Boxing Day but AIBU to be irked if this is being taken advantage of.

It is clear that the general sentiment is that I am.

Please don't respond as I have got the message loud and clear!

But if you feel better by having a pop at someone you don't know then type away. But I won't be reading it.

At six hundred quid bill for six people, you're going to a higher end restaurant and it's not just your father in law ordering big.

If you begrudge the cost, then go someplace cheaper.

Dontsweat

I love a carvery and to me it is a treat.

So you eating at a carvery is a treat and for me it shows I'm meanspirited? Right, whatever.

But this thread is not about affordability. She just begrudges paying for her FILmtomeat and drink what he chooses once a year.

No one's saying it's about affordability. It's never nice seeing someone stuff themselves just because they can. And this is exactly what FIL is doing. Stop downplaying it into FIL enjoying a 3 course meal with drinks, it's clear from OP's post that he's abusing hospitality by ratcheting up his share of the cost as much as he can. It's obscene.

And yes, Dontsweat, DH and I always pay for parents when taking them out, but they don't take is an opportunity to gorge themselves.

Just to put this in perspective. OP posted elsewhere that it wasn’t a problem for her to spend £240 on a hen night where she is a “peripheral” guest, so not close family. Yet she is objecting to her OP spending a similar amount on his parents. This is straight up financial abuse.

But this is completely irrelevant, Augusta.

OP is paying £240 for herself to attend a hen do, she's not paying for a friend or family number.

In my mind that is not normal behaviour and is someone being cheeky and taking advantage of the kind offer

It totally is. OP, post on a different day and you'll get the majority supporting you.

It's just the wind is blowing in a different direction today.

But this is completely irrelevant, Augusta.

OP is paying £240 for herself to attend a hen do, she's not paying for a friend or family number.

It’s not irrelevant, it makes it far, far worse. She’s happy to spend large amounts of money on herself, but when her partner chooses to spend similar amounts of money she is angry. If he makes the choice to spend his money generously rather than selfishly it’s up to him. I would actually say if you are someone who believes than spending money on yourself is okay, but on your loved ones is a waste, then their is something seriously wrong with your character and morals.

But the point is, the OP has made it clear these amounts are easily affordable.

When the OP wanted to go out to the hen night why didn’t she send her apologies and put the £240 in the fund for her children’s house and card if that’s so important?

The answer to that is because the OP is a financial and emotional abuser who is quite happy to drop hundreds on enjoying herself with her friends, but resent her husband paying for half a meal for his parents once a year but feels entitled to the money from those parents finding a way into her bank account.

And why; when she pays for something is it family money, but when she pays for something it’s hers?

And good for the FIL. They obviously know the OP is acquisitive and greedy for herself and her children and is fine about spending plenty of money on herself and her children and is looking forwards to a nice big bequest but resents other people drinking (shock horror) bottled water.

If I had a DIL like this I would would be hugely satisfied by ordering the most expensive things I could and watch the miserly sod squirm. I would also make sure every penny of my estate went to the cats home. The grandchildren obviously won’t need it if every time the DH wants to spend something he’s told it has to go in a pot for the children while she drops hundreds on nights out with people she’s not even that close to.

It’s straight up financial abuse and the double standards on here are shocking. I think most people who had a DC being treated like this would take great pleasure in winding up the abuser.