to think MIL has ripped the piss?

[taxiforMIL]

Please help me to see straight with this.

My MIL picks my DS up from school on a Monday. DS is in P4 I so this arrangement has been going on for the best part of 3 and a half years since DS started p1. She always walked to to the school to collect him but since Easter she’s had bother with her knee and hasn’t been up to walking the distance to the school.

We offered to send DS to afterschool care but she insisted he came to her so we offered to pay for her to pick him up in a taxi (she doesn’t drive) and bring him back to hers. All seemed ok.

We decided that instead of giving MIL money every week we’d set up an account with the local taxi company and I’d pay the bill monthly. My DH knows the guy who runs the taxi firm so was no bother to set up. We explained to her what we’d done and the account was to cover her journey to and from the school to collect DS.

Anyway, to the main issue. Since April, I’ve been calling monthly to settle the bill and it’s always been roughly the same amount, give or take a few pounds.

I called at the end of Oct to pay the bill and it was higher than usual but I was busy at work at the time and assumed that there had been a delay at school one day or something had happened. Admittedly I forgot to ask DH about it. I called at the end of November to pay the bill and it was even higher again! For instance, say the bill is normally £30 a month, it was £45 in October then £75 in November. I didn’t pay the November bill there and then as the man in the office couldn’t tell me what journeys had been made on the account.

I rang my DH and explained to him about the bills shooting up and he phoned MIL who said she’d been using the account to get out and about and she didn’t think we’d mind a few extra pounds on the bill.

My DH said to her that she’s spent roughly £60 on taxis on an account that she knows was set up solely to collect DS from school.

She is indignant about the whole thing and even used the account again after we’d told her.

WWYD? I’ve told my DH that I want DS to attend
Afterschool care. It’s cheaper than £75 a month 🙈

But - I could afford to pay it. I guess of it was a stretch on my finances I'd be annoyed about it.

So can the op OP just isnt silly with her money.

LOL @ elderly in one's fifties. She's semi-retired, too, she still consults.

I don't get those who say their mother/friend would take money from their purse without any issue. To make it equivalent to this situation, it would mean you have said "Get a takeaway for your dinner if you fancy on the one day a week you are here", for which you are leaving a tenner on the table. Weeks pass and that's what is being used, but one week you cannot find the £20 you left to pay the gardener, and another week you cannot find the £10 for the window cleaner and so on. Eventually you ask if she's taken it and she goes "oh yeah, I had some friends over and had takeaways together" and "I've bought myself some booze for the evening too". You say not to do that because she's dipping into your budget, but next time she's in, another £10 on top of her allocated £10 go missing and you find empty bottles of wine.

Would this be ok if it were the other way round? DIL going to MIL once a week to help her with some weekly deliveries or to put away the weekly online food shopping, for which she takes a taxi, then helping herself to taxis to the gym, or nights out and refusing to stop when told not to? The MIL is young and able, she's not using the taxi for mobility issues to go to the pharmacy. She's using the taxi presumably to go out, meet friends, do shopping, etc. I think it's not ok she never asked, she never mentioned once done, it kept going for months and refused to stop.

This drives me crazy. It's so disrespectful. My ex thought nothing of going in to my purse and taking my bank card. "I thought it would be ok" was always the explanation. It would have been ok...if he'd asked. But to just take/use someone else's money is incredibly rude regardless of need or relationship.

Just wondering OP if you've raised this with your MiL yet?

So can the op  OP just isnt silly with her money.

I wouldn't consider helping my MIL out with taxi fares being silly with money.

What, take someone else’s money without asking them? Sounds like a strange family that would do something like that.

Then my family is strange. Or maybe just happy to take care of each other. And maybe have respect for the help the older generation have given over the years and continue to in their retirement. If it's strange not to begrudge a grandparent, who is providing free childcare, a few taxi journeys to help her mobility then I'm happy to be strange. Frankly if I were setting up the account I'd have offered her extra trips anyway.

Seems more strange to me to throw my toys out of the pram and decide the best alternative is to stop my child spending extra time with their grandparent because it's more cost effective.

"We really need a Cheeky Fucker annual award, she'd be nominated." Love this idea - someone start a thread?!

Op - wow! Yea if ds old enough and the cab firm is set up for him (checked drivers etc) a cab could be arranged just to drop him there - only one taxi then too. Loads of pupils round here do this.

Or just put ds in after school she cannot complain she soured the deal herself. I'm assuming she is sufficiently ok financially she could have paid for the extra taxis herself? and the answer is yes.

"but you do seem to be very focused on the cost of these taxis." Are you so well off you'd be completely blasé if a bill of yours suddenly doubled for no apparent reason?! Lucky you! I'm (and op may be too - the holidays etc may have been in better times) on a tight budget, I couldn't afford to ignore that!

"Those suggesting OP’s MIL is entitled to spend their money because of childcare savings give away their own lack of boundaries." Totally agree.

If mil is struggling financially, or for other reasons feels she should be financially compensated for minding grandson she should have said so, not gone behind op's and her dh's back and run up a doubled bill with no warning especially at this time of year!

In my case my now ex in laws were fab I miss them. My family are toxic nightmares. None of them would ever have acted like this because it's not remotely acceptable to spend someone else's money without their knowledge let alone permission! my dad wont even go in mums handbag and they're married almost 50 years!!

I've been a babysitter, nanny and childminder over many years, plus looked after children of friends & family. I wouldn't dream of incurring costs for ANY of the families of the children I've cared for, even if they're relatives, without prior agreement - you just don't do that!

"My understanding is that you can’t pay members of your family to look after your children." Says who? For less than 2 hours a day perfectly legal.

Oh - and I'm probably closer in age to the mil than op! Yep! Late 50's I'm 46. She is hardly "elderly".

"Very often you can't as you age, you feel irrelevant as it is." Rubbish! All my older relatives have had no problem doing so and I certainly don't! As long as it's politely and the askee is put under no pressure it's fine!

One of my grans - who did have Alzheimer's - made clear her desire to remain in her own home when she first developed symptoms. As a family we all rallied round, at the end when she needed 24 hour supervision and had a tendency to wander into the street we developed a tots to cover that. Some did more than others depending on availability but nobody was left doing it all and gran was able to stay at home until she passed. I'm disabled myself and ask dd for help when needed, and her and the other "kids" in her generation of our family are often asked favours or to run errands for older or less able relatives. Works perfectly fine. Have seen this with friends families too - as a pp said clear polite communication is key.