to think MIL has ripped the piss?

[taxiforMIL]

Please help me to see straight with this.

My MIL picks my DS up from school on a Monday. DS is in P4 I so this arrangement has been going on for the best part of 3 and a half years since DS started p1. She always walked to to the school to collect him but since Easter she’s had bother with her knee and hasn’t been up to walking the distance to the school.

We offered to send DS to afterschool care but she insisted he came to her so we offered to pay for her to pick him up in a taxi (she doesn’t drive) and bring him back to hers. All seemed ok.

We decided that instead of giving MIL money every week we’d set up an account with the local taxi company and I’d pay the bill monthly. My DH knows the guy who runs the taxi firm so was no bother to set up. We explained to her what we’d done and the account was to cover her journey to and from the school to collect DS.

Anyway, to the main issue. Since April, I’ve been calling monthly to settle the bill and it’s always been roughly the same amount, give or take a few pounds.

I called at the end of Oct to pay the bill and it was higher than usual but I was busy at work at the time and assumed that there had been a delay at school one day or something had happened. Admittedly I forgot to ask DH about it. I called at the end of November to pay the bill and it was even higher again! For instance, say the bill is normally £30 a month, it was £45 in October then £75 in November. I didn’t pay the November bill there and then as the man in the office couldn’t tell me what journeys had been made on the account.

I rang my DH and explained to him about the bills shooting up and he phoned MIL who said she’d been using the account to get out and about and she didn’t think we’d mind a few extra pounds on the bill.

My DH said to her that she’s spent roughly £60 on taxis on an account that she knows was set up solely to collect DS from school.

She is indignant about the whole thing and even used the account again after we’d told her.

WWYD? I’ve told my DH that I want DS to attend
Afterschool care. It’s cheaper than £75 a month 🙈

And no recognition of the previous three years where she did this for free? You’re now quibbling and going to punish them both to make a “point”? (Not to say I think mil is in the right but your reaction is ott and you could just state the account is only for journeys to and from the school!

Haven't Rtft so I may be repeating. But where do yo draw the line. Your MIL was definitely in the wrong not telling you about the extra taxis. And some PP say it's only £40 more, yes this month, what about next month's when it's £50-60 more then getting To £100 what's reasonable and acceptable?

Your husbands mum cannot get about easily, why would you not want to do whatever you can to make her life easier and support her!

My MIL is wealthy woman. As I’ve said before she is a retired professional (doctor) and regularly works on a consultation basis in her retirement. She is also extremely well off from my FIL’s passing (he owned his own business) several years ago. Financial support, particularly when she fails to mention it to us, is not something she is in dire need of.

Then shes attention seeking i guess!

@Flooffloof

To be clear that we knew each other very well and were dead certain each would be OK with it. We'd also borrow clothes, let guests stay in each other's rooms if we weren't in etc. I wouldn't randomly rifle through a friends wallet.

I think for a lot of people with close relationships with their parents a few extra taxi's would be no big deal and just not something you would feel the need to ask about (likewise if I was at my mum's house I would feel free to rifle through the cupboards and cook myself a meal which I would never do if round a friend's house). The boundaries are just much more relaxed. Obviously it's not the case in all adult-child relationship especially if £40 is a big deal in your months budget.

That paints it in a slightly different light, OP; perhaps she thinks you're making a fuss over nothing? To her 35 quid might be peanuts and the type of amount you pay on family's behalf without query. My mother was a bit like this sometimes we OTOH are not that rich!!

Not saying she's right, just that she might have been a bit dense as to money and it's value.

Is she's comfortably off OP....could the issue simply be a lack of basic empathy and consideration?. I doubt she's a scheming devious woman purposefully trying to rip off her young family. It's probably more likely the case that she called the cab firm, stuck it on the account and didn't think about it....what's not a big financial deal to her she probably thought wouldn't be to others. She needs enlightening I would say.

Denseness and lack of consideration only go so far. If when confronted she apologised I imagine it would be fine. But DH said not to do it again and her response was to go out and do it again. That's selfish sulking and a toddler tantrum. Not good in a middle aged woman!

I would sit down and have a chat with her about how you can't afford her to use the Taxi like she has!! Then if she wants to pick up DS she just uses it for that. If she needs shopping or Doctors visits could someone not drive her? It seems mean to cancel it without telling herwhen she maybe didnt realise how much she had run up.

My mum would get embarrassed, and angry because she was embarrassed, and do it again because "Well it's not what they said REALLY, what a fuss they are making, it's because they hate me, I know it is, mutter mutter". She would normally come to her senses after a while if firmly told she was wrong, tbf. She was decent like that plus well aware that we didn't put up with her shit anymore

I just don’t understand those who says it unkind of op etc. There is no way I’d ever behave like the MIL. Completely bizarre behaviour and you are definitely not being unreasonable!!!! Wvwn if mil had issues that may mean she wanted to use a taxi you’d still ask if it was ok first!!!!

It's easy to disappear down a rabbit hole with this kind of thing. You asked for some perspective. Personally, I think this time you take a big deep breath and look at it as £45 in the 3.5 years she's been doing this school run.

Now you've stopped and thought about it, you're thinking up all the things you've done "in lieu of payment" but I don't think that was in your mind much when you wrote the OP, and it's probably not in hers either. Maybe she doesn't see holidays and meals out as payment for Monday childcare like you do, maybe she sees it as time spent with her son & his family that you happen to treat her to. Whatever assumptions she's made and however wrong you consider her to be, at the moment it's £45ish over 3.5 years and I think you should be the grown up and not throw your toys out of the pram over that.

Say to her look, we need to do what's economic with DS's childcare and we can't afford to pay out much more than after school club would cost. Do you want to carry on having him and just using the taxi account for that, or shall we put him in after school club? THEN if she "cheats" on the account again, you stop it. Give her a chance.

I think you really need to look at the bigger picture here. MIL has provided you with 3 and a half years free childcare and you are quibbling about a few pounds extra on taxis.
Just work out how much she has saved you.Also if you stop the arrangement then she might not want to provide free childcare again when you are desperate.

I do think she should have asked though. I hope you sort it out OP.

I can’t believe people think OP owes her for all the free childcare she’s done. Seriously. If someone offers free childcare then there is no obligation to pay for it. My mum did free childcare as I couldn’t afford paid child care. This would mean I couldn’t afford additional costs racked up by her either so I would be fuming if she did this. She wouldn’t though. She would do the opposite and would be paying the taxi fares herself and not allowing me to spend my money.
If OP wants to thank the mil by paying for something/buying gifts then so be it but what she has done is theft. Taking without asking first. I’m sure if OP could afford this extr outgoing they wouldn’t mind so much but I’m guessing the extra potential £45 is not affordable.

So many people failing to read the full thread and arm themselves with all the facts.

One afternoon a week at grandma's request, saving OP £9pw, is hardly 'free childcare'. It's a grandparent and grandchild having time together on a regular basis for the benefit of them both.

Maybe put it nicely. You could say "son wants to go to after school club". That might spare ill feelings. In my opinion, no you shouldn't take advantage of such a situation. Starts off small, then people take more and more. Who knows whether an extra £45, would damage ops budgets, i know it would mine.

Massive CF

I agree she should have asked first, and also that after school club is the best solution. But maybe she can still do an end of term celebratory Monday, or something to make her still feel needed? I can understand your frustrations with her. But speaking as a mum whose own mother died before the kids were born and whose MIL has no interest in her grandkids (but we get the occasional “Royal Visit”) - cherish what you’ve got, even if it’s annoying and you cancel the taxi.

My god, I can’t believe some of the posters here actually think this is acceptable because of ‘free childcare’. MIL doesn’t have to pick DGC up, she could very easily refuse but I’m assuming she wants to because of some silly notion like wanting to spend to with her GC. Her picking him up does NOT give her the right to use OP’s money how she pleases, bummed knee or not. If she asked for help due to her mobility fair enough, but in this case she’s just assumes she could use her to her hearts content and then continued to use it after being told not to. But hey that’s fine because childcare.

That is cheeky of her, she should at least ask. It's good of her to look after him and go to the trouble of picking him up (even in a paid taxi), but doubling the fare without asking is a bit much. I would be annoyed if it was me.

My DH and I can afford £45 so it’s definitly the principle of the matter.

I should add that I like MIL. I’ve actually known her longer than I’ve known DH as I worked with her - we’re both doctors. I randomly met DH on a night out and couldn’t believe I worked with his mum

We’ve always got along and I guess we still do. I just feel let down by her using my money as she sees fit. I do see what people are saying about not rocking the boat. I haven’t set up afterschool care yet. I don’t want to do anything too knee jerk

*definitely

Seems I'm in the minority, but this genuinely wouldn't bother me. It's the kind of thing our family would do.

But - I could afford to pay it. I guess of it was a stretch on my finances I'd be annoyed about it.