Finding it hard not to be angry and bitter today

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

This is a rant. There is no solution, I just need to vent on here or else I may well vent elsewhere.

I have no children and no husband. I do have an elderly, but mostly well and active father and a mother in law who is terminally ill - but not imminent. She could live a year, she could live 6 months. It's just the nature of the beast.

I also have a business that I work very hard to maintain, especially at the moment when I'm juggling nursing my mother in law. My business involves working with professional/semi professional sports people and so we are booked in for some sports matches over Christmas and New Year. Normally I'd take the burden if most of these, as it's my business. However, this year I can't because I have a lot of my mother in law's, and by virtue of that, my late husband's family coming over from the Caribbean to stay with us. I'm thrilled about this and can't wait to see them, that's not a problem. The problem is that my staff - who I've rarely asked to do anything they didn't want to do - are refusing to cover some of the matches because they want to be home with their children. I actually had one day to me today that me leaving my mother in law (did I mention she's terminally fucking ill and needs nursing) is less important than her leaving her children with their fucking father for one day. It is the lack of empathy that got to me. I think I'm a pretty fair employer. I don't expect parents to work the tours unless they want to, I let them work as flexible as possible and take time out for appts, assemblies etc. All I wanted was this year for some compassion and understanding in return and for a few people to take on the Christmas work that I normall do myself.

I'm so angry. It's like my life is worth less.

Kudos to the MN posters who have offered to help out tho

If it all goes tits tomorrow I may well be on here giving a quick training course!! Thanks everyone. I just needed to rant and didn't want to do so at home as I don't want to upset my mother in law. Though as she's currently fleecing my father at poker I'm not particularly concerned about her fragility right now I did warn him she was a hustler!

They're being extremely irresponsible and selfish. If they are with their children on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, it really won't hurt for them to be out on Boxing Day. They've taken jobs which may mean working on that day, they've know about it since July, and there really are no excuses. I think you need to make it clear that if they won't work they are on final warnings.

I wouldn’t say in the meeting that a written warning would be issued

No that wasn't the plan anyway. We have a team meeting for everyone tomorrow morning and then I've scheduled 1:1s with the three people concerned after that. My business manager will be there as well and she has 4 kids so it isn't just bitter, childless me picking on them (yeah, had that thrown at me as well today by one of them - that's being dealt with tomorrow as well)

Ah this is awful. If I was you I would defo be throwing them the guilt trip tomorrow. Reminding them of your flexibility over the years and the fact you’ve covered their christmases for however many years. Also

Sorry posted too soon.

Also remind them it is in their contract and you are disappointed they aren’t willing to step up when you have such important circumstances

If you don’t need them I’d give them their notice tbh especially the one who threw that at you.

it isn't just bitter, childless me picking on them (yeah, had that thrown at me as well today by one of them - that's being dealt with tomorrow as well)

They're really being deeply unpleasant aren't they? Though IME people like this often are if thwarted in any way

You're making the right decision over the written warnings, but I'd offer a small caution against reminding them of all you've done to help in the past. Again IME, that's the point when you'll get "you're the boss and paid more to do this ... it isn't faaaiiirrr" and it's really not going to help

Just stick to the letter of their contracts - no more and no less - both now and in the future, and wait for the screams when they realise they've pushed you once too often

I think your approach sounds the most sensible, but totally get how let down you are feeling. They are being very self-centred.

Also, you sound like a fab boss, and a wonderful daughter and daughter in law to boot.

Good luck with it. Don't fall for emotional manipulation. My mum would have to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing day most years through my childhood - and we all just got on with it.

You need to take this time to spend with your family, and your employees are going to need to understand that a need for family time isn't exclusively for the parents of young children. And particularly not when it has all already been agreed and people are relying on them!

Tbh, I would reconsider having any of them in your team.
I would never have dare speaking like this to any of my bosses.
And as a self employed person, I would never accept anyone talking to me like this either (customers or associate or employee)

Good luck with tomorrow’s meeting!

OP we had this at work. We got pushed and pushed to the point where this year we've said "these are your rotas. No shift swaps will be approved and no annual leave requests will be considered if we are given less than 4 weeks notice". Obviously if there are extenuating circumstances such as a death in the family then it's different. I wanted to work with the staff but unfortunately they only want to take. If people don't turn up for Christmas shifts we'll go down the disciplinary route. I've had to come up with 3 back up plans as a single parent as I know I'll get dropped in it.

Btw, I would NOT be bringing the reason why you want the time off this Christmas.
This is not the point.
The point is younare the boss and they are the employees. They have a contract that states they will have to work on bank hols. They have greed a rota 5 months ago. By refusing to not go, they are in breech if their contract.
That’s it. They would not doing it to be nice to you because you are going through a hard time. They will be doing it because it’s part if their job. And as the boss, you are the one who decides who will or won’t be working over Christmas. You dint owe them an explanation as to why you aren’t working (someone else in the team isn’t either).

Jeez! I have two kids under four and I'm working a day over Christmas. The team splits it out so everyone works one day over the holidays, barring the 25th, 26th and 1st. I'm the only one with kids but like PPs have said , it doesn't make me immune and I'm happy to pitch in.

Op I'm sorry you've got such self-centred staff. I'm sorry your MiL is so very ill xxx

Be firm and clear in the meetings.

They knew in July!

Don't get manipulated into conversations around how you've always done it and get paid more because that will bring emotion into it and it'll go downhill fast.

You need to set out exact consequences and, yes think about whether you want to continue to employ them.

@Puzzledandpissedoff thanks, you're right. I've been the boss for over 10 years now and have dealt with some difficult shit (mostly clients), but this has totally thrown me. I'm starting to doubt myself and even wondered earlier if I'm reacting the way I am because on some level they are right and I am bitter about not being able to have children and really bitter that my husband is dead.

You've all really helped me to gain some perspective. Thank you and .

I think there's also an element of regretting that we made the decision to expand the business last year - but at the time I didn't know that my mother in law's condition would deteriorate so much. She was even in remission. This all came as a shock and yes, I need time off because as well as working my arse off and having little time off in the last year, I'm struggling to cope with her diagnosis.

Ahh no op how shitty for you. Yes working over Christmas sucks but many people have to do it - my dad was a firefighter, and then my dc’s dad worked shifts when they were small - we just managed because that’s what people have to do. My mum never made a big deal out of having to juggle festivities round my dad’s work and so when my own family came along i just followed suit. Children are very resilient. They’re just trying it on with you. What an utter bitch that woman was to try and pull rank over you because of having dc. I can’t bear women like that. They are part of the reason the rest of us get discriminated against. I’m sorry for your troubles.

I have absolutely no practical advice but I just wanted to send for all you're dealing with.

This sounds just awful. Hope the meeting goes well tomorrow.

I would lay down the line

Have a team meeting explain the business need , remind them Of their contracts and eye ball them

Fucks sake I am working over Xmas .

I think you will get some response this way

Good luck 🙏

OP I sympathise a lot. As someone who ran my own business for many years, employing others. And as a widow and with a MIL I also adore. Did someone say something about ultimately the boss is always seen as the enemy by small people. That's sadly true in a small number of cases. Get shot of those people when you can, they are poison.

It's particularly hard because you've shown vulnerability and those people are treating you as a role not a person. That hurts. I guess in this case you've learned that you can't trust those individuals and you need to be scrupulously business focused with them.

When you run your own business it is nice to feel like you're genuinely a team, pulling together and it sounds like most of your team can be relied on. So you can be positive about that and strictly business with the snakes. They have let you down but please don't listen to their poison on top of that - it's completely unforgivable at the best of times. You've built a great business and maintained your priorities and humanity. Sounds like you have a plan to get through this and I am sure you will. Kudos and 💐💐

Good luck tomorrow. Stay firm and definitely issue written warnings.

In the new year I would review the employment status if anyone who causes problems.

That bitter comment is cruel.

You might have difficulty getting anyone to give in as they'll each think the others will. I would lay it on the line first thing that someone is doing it and you don't care who. Give them to lunchtime and if they haven't came to agreement by lunchtime, draw names out of a hat for the shifts.

this has totally thrown me. I'm starting to doubt myself ...

Completely understandable, @Leighhalfpennysthigh, especially when you've been - and continue to go - through so much. It's natural to hope for a bit of give and take and can be quite a shock when you learn others only care about the second bit, even more so when you've more than played your part

I wish you the very best for tomorrow and hope you'll update us, but when it gets difficult please also remember the wise words from EtVoila:

They would not doing it to be nice to you because you are going through a hard time. They will be doing it because it’s part if their job

it isn't just bitter, childless me picking on them (yeah, had that thrown at me as well today by one of them

If an employee of mine refused to work a long-agreed rota and spoke to me in these terms, I would be thinking very seriously indeed in terms of sacking her.

Good God. If I spoke to my boss like that (or any of my colleagues), I would be chucked out. And deservedly so.

I hope this doesn’t spoil Christmas for you.

I'm fuming for you OP! Who do these people think they are?!

Before your meeting, I would ring ACAS and see what advice they can give you about what you can do in these circumstances.

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1410

I've found them very helpful in the past.

But at the very least I think you need to read the riot act to these entitled and grossly unprofessional employees, and spell it out very clearly to them that if they refuse to do the hours they are scheduled to do (for which they have been given 5 months' notice) they are in breach of their contracts and will be subject to disciplinary procedures.