Finding it hard not to be angry and bitter today

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

This is a rant. There is no solution, I just need to vent on here or else I may well vent elsewhere.

I have no children and no husband. I do have an elderly, but mostly well and active father and a mother in law who is terminally ill - but not imminent. She could live a year, she could live 6 months. It's just the nature of the beast.

I also have a business that I work very hard to maintain, especially at the moment when I'm juggling nursing my mother in law. My business involves working with professional/semi professional sports people and so we are booked in for some sports matches over Christmas and New Year. Normally I'd take the burden if most of these, as it's my business. However, this year I can't because I have a lot of my mother in law's, and by virtue of that, my late husband's family coming over from the Caribbean to stay with us. I'm thrilled about this and can't wait to see them, that's not a problem. The problem is that my staff - who I've rarely asked to do anything they didn't want to do - are refusing to cover some of the matches because they want to be home with their children. I actually had one day to me today that me leaving my mother in law (did I mention she's terminally fucking ill and needs nursing) is less important than her leaving her children with their fucking father for one day. It is the lack of empathy that got to me. I think I'm a pretty fair employer. I don't expect parents to work the tours unless they want to, I let them work as flexible as possible and take time out for appts, assemblies etc. All I wanted was this year for some compassion and understanding in return and for a few people to take on the Christmas work that I normall do myself.

I'm so angry. It's like my life is worth less.

I feel for you OP.
My Dh runs a business and every year gives the staff extra fully paid holidays over Christmas and NY. He is yet to receive a thank you for this, now people just expect it.
He,like you is extremely flexible, if people need longer holiday time, special holidays, time off for kids plays or anything, no trouble. But he said some staff seem to consider this a right, not just a kindness.
Tell them they have to sort the shifts between them, end of.

YANBU. In fact you’ve been more than reasonable. In your position I’d be delegating or they’ll be going down the disciplinary route - def quote contracts at them. I do have kids so I only work for companies I know shut down over the Xmas period.

iamsusan. Agreed. I used to have a business, was both generous and fair, accommodating time off for those with children, lending money for car repairs, holiday deposits etc and then it dawned on me that I was a mug. They saw me as the boss and that was the end of it. Reinforce their contracts, don't try to be your employees friends, they may be polite but they don't like you as much as you may think.

I read this before work today. Hoping things have been resolved.

How did it go today? You sound such a lovely person. They are twits!

Why not ask them to sort out an alternate rota that just includes the 3 of them? They had plenty of notice and had already agreed to work the break. Make the problem theirs rather than just yours.

If they won't do it, then move to a formal warning. This may not solve the problem, but will show that you mean business.

out of interest, why is the mother of your deceased husband your responsibility. you mentioned there are going to be a lot of people around - so can they not help?

I'm so sorry to read about your situation OP, you're staff letting you down at such a bloody awful time must be gut wrenching tbh.

Do you have an option to arrange carers for the day or might some family members help out?

With regards to your staff, dependant on their contracts, I'd not read the riot act but I would let them know in no uncertain terms how disappointed you are. I'd suggest being less flexible in the future because that really tends to make people, who are used to a decent boss, pull their socks up. Flexibility is a two way street OP.

@1234 out of interest, why is the mother of your deceased husband your responsibility. you mentioned there are going to be a lot of people around - so can they not help?

My mother in law has been my rock in the last few years since my own mother died. I want to do as much as I can for her for what might be her last Christmas.

There is more - in the OP's posts. If you'd like to read them.

Hope something's been resolved today OP.

It is terrible you have been put in this position. I work in the health service and have worked Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day before and after having children. I have no advice but hope you get it resolved and can have some time over Christmas with your MIL. Sending you best wishes 💐💐💐💐

Do your staff ‘want’ to be home with their children at Christmas, or do they ‘have to’ be at home with their children to look after them? As school, nurseries, childminders etc. are usually unavailable over Christmas holidays, and it’s a legal obligation to look after young children, perhaps they have no choice?

If former YANBU, if latter YABU.

out of interest, why is the mother of your deceased husband your responsibility. you mentioned there are going to be a lot of people around - so can they not help?

If you've really posted "out of interest", why don't you just take the trouble to read the thread. It's not that long.

@Gth1234 - it's not only about reponsibility, it is about love. OP has said that her own mother has died, and that she considers her MIL to be like a mother. (And given that OP is a widow, they have almost certainly supported each other through very difficult times)

She has also said that this Christmas might be her MIL's last. Is it any wonder that she wants to spend this last, special Christmas with her, and that this is non-negotiable?

Nordic - you have more patience than me!

Gosh, how horrible of them. Hope today went ok OP - they don’t deserve you.

Sorry, just got home. It was a really difficult team meeting this morning. There was a lot of tension when I got to the office and I heard afterwards that it was due to one of the women trying to get some of the other people to take on her work as well as their own - which would mean them basically doing an afternoon at one match and then travelling to the other side of the county for an evening match. We have done things like that before, but it's a long day and lots of travelling on potentially very busy roads, hence why we organised this year so it was all fair and we also didn't take on any work on Christmas Day so everyone got that day off.
Anyway, ,y business partner and I took time to remind everyone of the obligations of the job. We have all spent time in the NHS so know that this is a cushy job compared and luckily one of my other staff did point this out! She doesn't know what has been going on with some of the others and has only been in post for a few months.

We then met the others in 1:1s and, to cut a long story short, got an apology from one person and so haven't given her a written warning. The one who told me that I was bitter decided to tell me again how much more important her children were than an old woman (her words) and why couldn't my dad or a neighbour sit with her for a day, or I could afford to get in a carer because I've obviously got money due to not having to pay out for presents for kids. She informed me that I don't know what real responsibilities are and I never think of anyone other than myself.

I didn't sack her because my business partner got there first. We can re jig the rota so she's covered until Christmas, then my lovely business partner has offered to do her shift on Boxing Day, while her kids come over to mine (I'm their godmother so we are close and they are all cool with it) as she is a single parent.

I didn't sack her because my business partner got there first.

Thank goodness for that op! What an utterly self-entitled bitch of the first order!

the woman who said all that has been sacked? That's exactly right!

I think it's great what you're doing for MIL

Well, she’s a peach isn’t she?! I’m sorry it got to that point but what she said to you is absolutely indefensible💐 Good riddance, and so say all of us (I suspect...)

Well, she'll have plenty of time with her family over Christmas now, won't she?

How stupid was she! (Hope she's not expecting much of a reference)

out of interest, why is the mother of your deceased husband your responsibility. you mentioned there are going to be a lot of people around - so can they not help?

Because I want to look after her because I love her. She is the last link I have to my husband.

Because she is dying and wants to spend as much time as possible with me - her last link to her son and someone she loves like a daughter

Because she hasn't seen her brothers since she came over to the UK aged 18 on the Windrush and despite the fact she wants to see them again and meet their families, they are practically strangers to her and she feels vulnerable and don't want to rely on them for care.

My dad is amazing, but he is elderly too and it's nit fair on him.

Hoorah for sacking that awful piece of work! (even if your business partner had the pleasure of actually doing it).

Hope it puts the fear of god in the rest of them that you are no pushover.

Again, I'm sorry that people have let you down, and sending you all the best wishes for Christmas with the people you care about

Omg! You are well shut of that utter bitch! She will have been stirring up the office as well. Onwards and upwards! The children will add some fun at yours and I truly wish you a very merry Christmas.

As school, nurseries, childminders etc. are usually unavailable over Christmas holidays, and it’s a legal obligation to look after young children, perhaps they have no choice?

If they had no choice, presumably they wouldn't have agreed to cover the days back in July. Granted something might have gone badly wrong for one of them, but that's unlikely for all three - though it wouldn't surprise me to hear they've claimed it has

OP's problem seems to have gone beyond a one-time childcare issue and morphed into something else completely, but overall it's worth remembering that childcare is the responsibility of parents not employers - even an employer who's done so much to help in the past

Shocking behaviour. Good riddance.

I hope Christmas goes well and you have a nice time with your MIL.