Finding it hard not to be angry and bitter today

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

This is a rant. There is no solution, I just need to vent on here or else I may well vent elsewhere.

I have no children and no husband. I do have an elderly, but mostly well and active father and a mother in law who is terminally ill - but not imminent. She could live a year, she could live 6 months. It's just the nature of the beast.

I also have a business that I work very hard to maintain, especially at the moment when I'm juggling nursing my mother in law. My business involves working with professional/semi professional sports people and so we are booked in for some sports matches over Christmas and New Year. Normally I'd take the burden if most of these, as it's my business. However, this year I can't because I have a lot of my mother in law's, and by virtue of that, my late husband's family coming over from the Caribbean to stay with us. I'm thrilled about this and can't wait to see them, that's not a problem. The problem is that my staff - who I've rarely asked to do anything they didn't want to do - are refusing to cover some of the matches because they want to be home with their children. I actually had one day to me today that me leaving my mother in law (did I mention she's terminally fucking ill and needs nursing) is less important than her leaving her children with their fucking father for one day. It is the lack of empathy that got to me. I think I'm a pretty fair employer. I don't expect parents to work the tours unless they want to, I let them work as flexible as possible and take time out for appts, assemblies etc. All I wanted was this year for some compassion and understanding in return and for a few people to take on the Christmas work that I normall do myself.

I'm so angry. It's like my life is worth less.

Thank you all again. I'm trying to keep all of this from dad and mother in law (he's playing poker with her again the old fool!) so it has been good to have this safe place to vent.

I employ a mixture of men and women and some have children, some don't. I try to be as fair as possible because I do get that our work can be difficult for parents. I do sometimes rely on my business partner (and friend) to tell me I'm being a knob and I'm also willing to babysit if need be!

OP ,you sound like such an unselfish and lovely person and I wish you and your family all the best for Christmas.
I hope your ex-employee is thoroughly (deservedly)ashamed of the dreadful things she said.Appalling!.

I'm shocked that your now ex-employee was so vile. I'm glad she's been fired. It was clearly for cause, so put everything you can remember about the meeting in writing, all the vile things she said, the refusal to do her job, etc , in case she tries to file a claim.

You sound lovely and caring and like a fair and reasonable employer, OP. The woman was a vile fool. Hopefully the rest of the staff will remember they are there to work, and actually have to do their jobs when contracted to do so.

They sounds very selfish to! I have 3 small children but can’t book any time off in December ever. We are open 364 days a year soon to be 365. So I don’t have a choice, if I’m on the rota then I’m working. Yes we get asked which days we’d prefer but we don’t always get what we want. That’s just the way of the world. If they get most years off as you usually do it but aren’t willing to help now tell them to come and work with me, they’ll soon realise how good they have it! 😂

Leigh you sound like a lovely boss and please ignore the insensitive posters who have no clue what it’s like to be a widow and someone who has fertility problems . I have worn both those shoes at different times in my life and the silly twats posting should be bloody glad they haven’t experienced them .
I hope you have an absolutely lovely Christmas .

I don’t think I’ve got much to add that would be of any help to you op.

All I can say is that you sound like a really lovely person, and if there were more people around like you, then the world would be a much nicer place. I hope you enjoy the time you spend with your family over Christmas. You deserve to be happy.

You are lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with your dear mil. Unfortunately this will make her loss harder for you. Put all this nastiness behind you, as you deserve so much better, and look forward to a lovely Christmas with both your mil and your relations from the Caribbean.

💐 I’m sorry they’ve acted like this, it’s not what you need on top of everything else.

Just get HR on to it and all the paperwork in place etc and you’ll be fine.

The mouthy bitch was lucky all your colleague did was fire her. Nasty, nasty bitch.

As for ‘fake apology’ make sure HR has that one covered too as I doubt this will be the end of her acting like a twat,

Do you have any emergency contact over lined up for —when she calls in sick— any unavoidable staff shortages over Christmas?

I’m really sorry about your DH, your MIL and your infertility that.brought you here in the first place. Life can be a complete bastard. You don’t sound bitter and twisted though, so please don't think you might come across like that, you definitely don’t.

I hope your MIL, you and your Dad enjoy seeing the visiting relatives...it’ll be very emotional, but should be wonderful too (I hope).

Firstly, so sorry you are having to put up with all this hassle , when you have enough on your plate with helping to care for your sick relative and I hope that the visit from her family from abroad helps not just her, but you as well.

Secondly, the nasty bad apple in your work force has made her own bed and has hopefully not left any disgruntled employees, to make any ripples.

Thirdly, my twenty nine years old Son has for the last four years had to work most Christmas eve shifts, Christmas Day shifts and boxing day shifts and is happy to do so, in order to allow his colleagues to do the early shifts, so they can get home, to their families.

He has no family or partner commitments as yet and apologises every year that our Mother and Son special meal cooked together at my house, has to be postponed, until he gets a long day off.

I am flexible and fit in with his work shifts and friend commitments and despite being seriously disabled, do not expect him to just drop Christmas shifts, just to see me.

Fourthly, are you in need of any one in the North West, as I too know someone in the sports massage field who might be of use?

Big hugs, what your ex employee said was horrible. But please don't let this situation change you. You sound like a wonderful boss and is most probably why you have never been in this situation before. Hopefully you are now just left with really great people and your business will go from strength to strength. All the best for your Christmas and I hope your mils reunion with her family goes well. X

Well I hope the woman who was sacked gets ignored by her children when she is older as she is "just some old woman". Heartless and selfish. I hope your MIL enjoys her Christmas and glad you have sorted things out. Well done to your business partner and for you

Your business partner sounds lovely. What a horrid woman using your situation to bully you. Idk if this organisation would be of any interest to you. I have a friend, who is childless by circumstance and she has been to some of their events. gateway-women.com/category/childless-by-circumstance-2/

www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/instant-dismissal

Useful guidance on this site.

Well done OP and have a lovely Christmas

Absolutely Chef. Stories about women like this bitch really bugger it up for the rest of us.

OP hope you are on to your HR bod today to get everything documented and backed-up. I have a nasty suspicion that this wont be the last you hear from this toxic woman.

OP.

What are you going to say in the email. It will have to be truthful as well as circumspect which can be a difficult line to tread.

Well Super Bitch willl have plenty of time to be with her children now won't she?

@Ellie56 yes, she will. So she has got what she wants. However she doesn't have a job and we've heard from a couple of others that she is bitching to them about how I'm discriminating against her for having children. We have taken advice today, sent her a formal letter and we have statements from some lovely staff supporting us.

Other than that it's been pretty quiet today and the people in the office seemed subdued when I went in earlier. It has definitely affected the atmosphere in the company. It's our Christmas meal tomorrow and my business partner and I are tempted to stay away and let the staff have a dinner on their own. They've all paid a deposit but we were going to pick up the rest of the tab.

I'm not in the NW but thanks for the kind offer. I don't really want to say where I am because it may out me! It often surprises me how many of us are around!

I would like to point out, for what it's worth, that this experience would never make us think twice about employing a parent or worry about a staff member needing parental leave. It was just one person (potentially another two, but we shall see).

Thirdly, my twenty nine years old Son has for the last four years had to work most Christmas eve shifts, Christmas Day shifts and boxing day shifts and is happy to do so, in order to allow his colleagues to do the early shifts, so they can get home, to their families.

He has no family or partner commitments as yet and apologises every year that our Mother and Son special meal cooked together at my house, has to be postponed, until he gets a long day off.

It's kind of your son to do that but he shouldn't be expected to. He DOES have a family (you) and even if he didn't, EVERYONE should be entitled to a fair amount of time off, not just parents of small children.

I think you should still go to the meal OP, they will appreciate having the tab picked up and it gives you chance to let your hair down too. You deserve it as much as them.

I wouldn't go to the meal, you or the partner. Pay by all means, but if there's been an atmosphere, I'd let them go and talk freely among themselves. I'm not sure how much you'd relax at the meal anyway.

OP, so glad the nasty employee was fired. Next year you really need to split the work between them, if you rota'd them, not giving them an option to choose, as there are always those who will offer and those that take. You can then say if someone does it one year, they don't do it the following year.

I remember my Dad telling me a story about when he worked once.
He had changed jobs, and although they got the bank holidays and weekends off, the days between Christmas and new year had to be covered by a manager. He asked the manager (below him) which days he would like to work between Christmas and new year as he would do the others, manager said he wasn't going to do any as he never worked them, and my dad had to do them all. My dad suggested that he may like to reconsider and share the time off as that was only fair. Manager refused again, was given one last opportunity to share the holiday, refused again. So my dad pulled rank and said "fine, I'll work this year and from now on you will work between Christmas and new year in the future years" and as my dad signed off the managers holiday, this is what happened.

As far as the meal goes, go especially if you are picking up tab, but be the first to leave. You have done nothing wrong.

I think you SHOULD go to the meal. Have a nice evening with your lovely staff and people sitting on the fence can give themselves a bloody good shake. I think if you don’t go, they’ll assume you feel you’ve done the wrong thing getting rid of her and giving the other one an official warning.

I also think you should go. Say something at the beginning so there isn't an elephant in the room - 'it's been a great year, want to thank everyone for sterling efforts, let's not let this week overshadow a really top team of people - dinner's on us so let's all enjoy ourselves.

It's the ideal way to get past this trickiness IMHO.

I'm just coming on the thread to applaud you and your business partner. What a self centered bitch your employee was.

I've spent half of 2018 nursing my terminally ill mother. Sadly only half the year because she didn't live any longer. My siblings and I took rotas so she was never alone and it meant everything to us and to her. It has meant her passing has been easier for us all because of the quality time we had with her and the knowledge that we did all we could to make things less difficult for her. What you are doing for your MIL is so important and the love you evidently have for each other is really heart warming.

I think as we get older our end of life gets more of a looming worry. It helps to know you won't be abandoned when you need a loved one.