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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaged friends at 0740 this morning

512 replies

Idontlikecheesecake · 11/12/2018 16:15

We’re moving house and had an offer accepted yesterday so im very excited. I was looking through my phone when i woke up this morning and thought id told my friends in a group chat, but i hadnt so i sent them a message. It was 0740, a time when most people are getting up/already up getting ready for work or getting kids ready for school etc so I thought it was ok.

Only one friend had seen it and she sent me a message saying ‘couldnt you have sent this a bit later when we’re more awake?’ I joked that im on the night shift tonight so i could send a message at 3am, and then she actually had a go at me over messenger (she even swore) saying how she got kicked in the leg by a horse and wanted to have a lie in and it wasn’t the right time for her phone to be pinging all the time.

I just said I wasn’t to know she’d been injured, it was a reasonable time as lots of people are getting ready for work etc, and if she didnt want to be disturbed she shpuld have her phone on silent or whatever. To which she replied she doesn’t normally get messages at that time so why should she? She then removed herself from the group and sent a mutual friend a messaged saying i had annoyed her.

It just feels like a really petty and childish argument. To me it feels like she’s dictating to everyone else when we should be sending messages and shes speaking for them about what a reasonable time should be. And im annoyed that she had a go at me over something so petty

Its also not just this argument. Shes blamed me for stuff before. Like just after Christmas we were all going round a friends house for takeaway and she wanted to go put for a meal, and she didnt want to come because i had upset her. All i did was explain to her that we cant really afford to go out for a meal and a takeaway is easier because of childcare etc

She also often declines invites to do things or cancels at the last minute wih some crappy excus. And then when we don’t invite her, she’ll write a passive aggressive message like ‘gee thanks for the invite’

Shes a fairweather friend and im done with her. AIBU? Ive been fed up for a while but feel like this is the last straw

OP posts:
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5
MegMez · 11/12/2018 16:42

She doesn't sound like a great friend. You're right, most people are awake at that time.

Sounds like she's not just wound you up over this though.

In a group chat everyone knows you don't have to all respond at the same time, read at your leisure. If it's urgent you phone.

She got kicked by a horse and you're a dick for messaging a group about your house? Yeesh. I love hearing about my mates' successes and stresses. Whatever time it is.

Rise above. She's a plonker.

Lovemusic33 · 11/12/2018 16:42

I have my phone on silent whilst I’m asleep though I’m always up by 7.30am. It was a bit early but she’s being a bit of a bitch about it.

GoodHeavensNoImAChicken · 11/12/2018 16:42

Oh god I’d get rid of her, she sounds awful

I’ve never heard of someone annoyed that their phone is disturbing them at unreasonable hour for a text that you sent. I work nights and send texts 24/7.

If people don’t want to be disturbed I expect them to put their phone on silent. She clearly doesn’t have any friends in different time zones !

Oysterbabe · 11/12/2018 16:43

BTW it's pretty easy to set phones so that calls come through but everything else is silenced. If it's an emergency people will call.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 11/12/2018 16:44

Isn't that what the Do Not Disturb setting is for?

Rhiannon13 · 11/12/2018 16:45

That's what the silence button is for.

Not an option for a lot of people, sadly.

PurdysChocolate · 11/12/2018 16:46

My phone is set to go to "Do not disturb" mode between 10pm and 7am. Done.

Your friend is being dramatic.

PattiStanger · 11/12/2018 16:46

There was a very long thread on the same lines about the wedding DJ not so long ago, it went on for ages but the general gist is that people are different and have different views on when it's OK to send messages.

This is an issue you'll never get everyone to agree on

skybluee · 11/12/2018 16:47

I wouldn't send a text at that time unless it was something urgent either. Likewise, I wouldn't send one at, for example, 1am. This is because I have no idea if my friends have their phones on or off, and I'd hate to wake them up. I wouldn't phone during those hours and I don't see how a text is different - both will wake someone. It's no different than phoning at 7:40am.

Skatersbeskating · 11/12/2018 16:47

My texts are silent.
My emails are silent.
My ringtone is silent.

Permenantly.

No Twitter, FB or IG account either.

I love a quiet life.

hotblacktea · 11/12/2018 16:49

strictly on personal preference, that would be way too early for me and i would also expect at least an acknowledgement of that, if not an apology
don't use silent mode, except in theaters or cinemas, and i know plenty of people like that

19lottie82 · 11/12/2018 16:49

YANBU. If you don’t want disturbed, then put your phone on silent. Simple.

Nacreous · 11/12/2018 16:49

I am definitely in Camp A of TeenTimesTwo's analysis. I can see that never the twain shall meet for Camps A and B though!

The realisation that you can: put your phone on DND, but allow through any all of: alarms, text messages, calendar notifications, phone calls from starred contacts, phone calls (all), phone calls from any contact or any call where that person rings twice in 15 mins was a revelation to me. You have to have it not set on silent, but handily android also lets you set media and ring volumes separately so you can keep the media volume at 0 as you prefer. I also switch off in app sounds in messenger. That way I can access any of my messages whenever I choose, but am not going to miss anyone I care about calling me at night (or indeed in the day at work).

amusedbush · 11/12/2018 16:49

You can add "except for" numbers to your Do Not Disturb settings so you won't get any notifications apart from calls/texts from those specific numbers. Useful if you have elderly parents, etc.

Your friend acted like a total wang. She should have had her phone on DND if she didn't want to be woken up. My friend gets up for work at 5am and frequently texts me around that time but my phone is on DND so I reply when I get up and see it at 7am... it's really not a big deal.

lynnepot · 11/12/2018 16:51

I'd say 7.40 on a weekend morning is a bit early. On the weekday morning though you'd safely presume most people are out of bed by that time though. They may not reply instantly what with breakfast, school run, commuting, etc, though. How was you supposed to know she was injured? She sounds quite blunt to talk like that to a friend to be honest.

HotInWinter · 11/12/2018 16:51

I just switch the wifi off on my phone overnight!
So calls (and text messages, but I get maybe 5 of those a week) come through, but WhatsApp, email, messenger stuff gets to wait til morning!

I think WhatsApp email and similar is fine at any point day or night. They are sent at your convenience, to be read at the recipients convenience.
Calls, it's probably too early. But my time is warped, as I take the kids to school leaving at 6.50, get to school 7.30 (and thats start if school, not breakfast club or whatever). So, actually, calls at 7.40 are too early, unless essential.

CheeseCake YWNBU

llangennith · 11/12/2018 16:51

I thought everybody put their phone on DND overnight? (Except teenagers of course who need to be available every second of the day and night.)
If someone needs to get hold of you urgently then if they dial your number twice in 30 seconds it'll ring even if on DND.
So while I don't think you're being that Unreasonable, didn't you have enough to do rather than messaging your friends that early?

Ohyesiam · 11/12/2018 16:52

Sounds like she likes to
Have something to moan about, otherwise she wouldn’t keep leaving herself in situations where she gets annoyed.
I

Ellisandra · 11/12/2018 16:52

It’s not crazy early, but it’s early. And yes - she could manage her settings.
But really, she’s not happy and your response is to say “yeah well, I’m on nights I could have sent it at 3am”? That’s pretty rude, and I doubt it came across as a joke. The best response would have been a genuine but not martyred apology.

willywillywillywilly · 11/12/2018 16:52

On iphone you can set it to allow certain people's calls to get through even if it's on DND. You can also set it to allow repeated calls through (ie if someone tries to call you twice, suggesting they really need to get through, you can set your phone to allow the 2nd call through)
support.apple.com/en-gb/HT204321

OP YANBU and your friend should work out her phone settings if she doesn't want to be disturbed. Congratulations on your house Flowers

willywillywillywilly · 11/12/2018 16:53

Oops XP with a million others!

chuckanotherlogon · 11/12/2018 16:54

I never knew this was a thing. I feel mortified that I've often sent texts and emails in the middle of the night if I can't sleep.
I just presumed that everyone has their phones on silent or switched off at night like I do.
For those that don't, do you not get pings for emails, IG, FB alerts etc?

AntMoon · 11/12/2018 16:55

I can see both camps (putting phone on silent vs not being able to for emergency contact purposes) but she didn't need to be shitty about it.

You didn't have knowledge of her horse incident. She has over reacted. But I think if one of my friends said I'd disturbed them I'd apologise and make a mental note not to text them at that time again.

Is she pissed off at anything else do you think? Envious about your news? Some people find it hard to be happy for others when they're not happy themselves. In some cases totally understandable.

grincheux · 11/12/2018 16:57

Yuck, she sounds like a "friend" I recently got rid of. Telling her I couldn't handle her moodiness any more then cutting her out of my life was one of the best things I ever did!

Ellie56 · 11/12/2018 16:57

I'd find some better friends.She sounds like hard work.