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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaged friends at 0740 this morning

512 replies

Idontlikecheesecake · 11/12/2018 16:15

We’re moving house and had an offer accepted yesterday so im very excited. I was looking through my phone when i woke up this morning and thought id told my friends in a group chat, but i hadnt so i sent them a message. It was 0740, a time when most people are getting up/already up getting ready for work or getting kids ready for school etc so I thought it was ok.

Only one friend had seen it and she sent me a message saying ‘couldnt you have sent this a bit later when we’re more awake?’ I joked that im on the night shift tonight so i could send a message at 3am, and then she actually had a go at me over messenger (she even swore) saying how she got kicked in the leg by a horse and wanted to have a lie in and it wasn’t the right time for her phone to be pinging all the time.

I just said I wasn’t to know she’d been injured, it was a reasonable time as lots of people are getting ready for work etc, and if she didnt want to be disturbed she shpuld have her phone on silent or whatever. To which she replied she doesn’t normally get messages at that time so why should she? She then removed herself from the group and sent a mutual friend a messaged saying i had annoyed her.

It just feels like a really petty and childish argument. To me it feels like she’s dictating to everyone else when we should be sending messages and shes speaking for them about what a reasonable time should be. And im annoyed that she had a go at me over something so petty

Its also not just this argument. Shes blamed me for stuff before. Like just after Christmas we were all going round a friends house for takeaway and she wanted to go put for a meal, and she didnt want to come because i had upset her. All i did was explain to her that we cant really afford to go out for a meal and a takeaway is easier because of childcare etc

She also often declines invites to do things or cancels at the last minute wih some crappy excus. And then when we don’t invite her, she’ll write a passive aggressive message like ‘gee thanks for the invite’

Shes a fairweather friend and im done with her. AIBU? Ive been fed up for a while but feel like this is the last straw

OP posts:
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DiegoVelazquez · 12/12/2018 23:06

Too early. People have a lot to do at that time

And receiving a message in a whatsapp group stops them from doing those things? Seriously?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/12/2018 23:08

I do wonder if this is, in part at least, a generational issue. I grew up back in the days when it cost most to ring someone in the morning, a bit less after lunchtime, and went onto the cheapest rate at 6pm, so we made only the most urgent of calls in the morning, so early calls equalled emergency - and I still find it hard to shrug off all that early conditioning.

The ubiquity of the mobile phone, and of cheap tariffs for calls and texts, has meant that we can communicate with anyone and everyone, at any time of the day, so it is becoming the norm to text/call in the moment, rather than having to decide when to send your message in order to minimise cost. It is all far more immediate than it was when I were a lass (plays Hovis theme in the background), and maybe we need to develop new etiquette around technology - and as a member of the older generation, I don’t think that should be my job - not because I don’t want to, but because I have one foot in the past, and perhaps the ‘rules’ need to be made by people who grew up with this technology.

DiegoVelazquez · 12/12/2018 23:13

I do wonder if this is, in part at least, a generational issue

I think it's largely a generational issue. I don't know anybody under 35 who would think you shouldn't send a whatsapp message at certain times of day. Because a) it's almost universally accepted that instant messages do not require immediate attention or response. So the time you send them is irrelevant, and b) everyone in my generation knows how to mute their whatsapp groups/use their DND settings.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/12/2018 23:38

WinkGrin

Jeanclaudejackety · 13/12/2018 00:05

Actually agree with the generational thing. Don't know anyone in my generation (20s) who would object to having a WhatsApp any time of day or night. Your phone is your responsibility to mute or turn off or whatever. Weirdly though I wouldnt text my grandma very late on like past 10pm.it would worry her to hear her phone ping at that time

Jeanclaudejackety · 13/12/2018 00:06

I have a land line, my mum is the only person who ever rings it. Literally. And cold callers.

Claudia1980 · 13/12/2018 00:08

Sorry but your so called friend sounds like a bit**chy drama queen. I’d call her out on her backstabbing antics too.

BackforGood · 13/12/2018 00:25

I agree there might be a generational divide, but I'd say the oppostie way round.
I'm old in MN terms (and remember the charges mentioned by STG, and I still use my landline sometimes) but dh and I are the ones in our family that would be unperturbed at not instantly responding to a message. It is my dc (1 teen and 2 in early 20s) who always have their phones in their hands and expect an instant response. I turn mine off at night and dh puts his on silent (uses it for the alarm). I don't mind what time someone sends a message, as it is my choice when to look at messages on my phone, and I wouldn't do, obviously if I were sleeping.

Catsinthecupboard · 13/12/2018 02:17

I text people at odd hours bc i assume that they look when they feel like it. If it's important, i call.

Newbie1981 · 13/12/2018 02:37

She's jealous of the house

Cornishclio · 13/12/2018 03:15

YANBU. I don't know why people keep saying texts. It was a message on a group chat like you get on IM or WhatsApp. Ridiculous to think don't send messages in case so or so is having a lie in. People who are working at 9am probably don't get access to their phone then. The whole point of these is that they can be sent at any time, responded to at any time by whoever in the group chat. We have a family WhatsApp chat and messages are usually sent during the day but sometimes at night. Notifications can be turned off, phones can be muted. It is easy and not a generation thing. I am 58 and perfectly capable of doing that and I am retired and don't normally get up that early. You can still receive phone calls from elderly parents etc.

Congrats on house offer and your ex friend is an idiot. Most normal people would have ignored it not made a whole issue of the notification waking her just rolled over and gone back to sleep and made a mental note to turn notifications off on SM. Some people just like to moan about anything and everything.

HeronLanyon · 13/12/2018 05:07

Due to recent bereavement (remaining elderly parent), and reading this thread, I am reconsidering my relationship with my phones. No longer feel the need to have phone on through night (all calls accepted) in case of emergency plus landline handset. Wondering if I even need my landline anymore. Slightly freeing to think of sleeping without 2 phones next to bed.
I am in uk so apologies to anyone disturbed by this as it is early. I couldn’t work out how to filter posting this by time zone Grin
Agree we are responsible for our phone settings so as not to be disturbed. Also we are responsible for having more healthy relationship with mobile comms generally. Not everything needs to be dealt with immediately. Surely most still call if there is a true emergency ??

MrsVargas · 13/12/2018 05:54

Your friend is an arsehole

Wineallthetime · 13/12/2018 06:12

You’ve said yourself she a fair weather friend, time for you to distance yourself.

She needs to learn how to use her phone properly, you can silence certain apps etc but important people can call. My husband often leaves for work meetings at 4am so I silence everything apart from calls from him, it’s really really easy to do!

She’s a drama queen. 7.40 is not early, I’ve been up 2 hours already and driving to work at that time! If you want a lay in, turn it on silent!! Stupid and petty to have a go at you!

Sissyjd · 13/12/2018 06:31

She sounds like a miserable attention seeking brat!! She actually got another frend to mesdage that she was upset?? How pathetic and immature. I work shifts inc nights so my alerts are always on silent...ignore her Op shes needs to go.

beardeddragon174 · 13/12/2018 06:46

7.40!! That is a perfectly reasonable time.

One of my colleagues regularly texts at 6am. I put my phone on silent until I wake up like a normal person.

Congrats btw. X

xwhoiamx · 13/12/2018 08:17

Friend is being VU. I do think it sounds like it's time to ditch her. However,perhaps she has some things going on that you don't know about (personal issues?) that are causing the repeated cancellations and sensitivity to being left out. If you are not already completely disengaged from the friendship, consider talking to her or your other friends first, maybe she is struggling.

That said, I hate when people don't use silent mode then complain you woke them - serves them right! I'm scatty and often remember I need to message people at unsociable times of day and often completely forget if I don't do it there and then. They don't like that either! Plus, I work 7-10 hours a day so I'm generally busy while others are awake. It's not hard to put your phone on silent, mine's set to do it automatically at 10pm and off again at 8am, so it took literally 2 mins of my life in total to ensure my friends don't have to sit worrying about whether I'm up every time they message me.

Why wouldn't one turn one's phone off at night anyway? You're presumably not using it while you sleep Hmm

haloumi · 13/12/2018 08:33

YANBU

She's being a prick. There are underlying issues here. De-friend her immediately or she will suck the life out of you.

winniestone37 · 13/12/2018 09:40

You're all wallies tbh with you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/12/2018 12:01

@Cornishclio - I know that the message that caused all this hoo-ha was a WhatsApp message, but people are mentioning texts because the discussion has expanded from simply WhatsApp messages to phone use in general. That is how discussions go - they start from one point but don't just stay there.

Clearthinking · 13/12/2018 12:15

Like haloumi said. It will send you paranoid after a while, drain any life or fun out of whatever relationship you have/had. Let this one go it will cause pain

Lizzie48 · 13/12/2018 12:17

@winniestone37

That was a very thought out comment, not. Can you please expand and explain why you think we're all 'wallies'?

Aebj · 13/12/2018 12:21

0740 on a week day is perfectly fine. I started work at 0730 this morning 😂 weekends I would probably wait till 9 am ish ( depending on who it is) however I start work at 0730 at the weekends to.

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 13/12/2018 12:27

I work shifts. My close friends don’t. I’m always getting texts at 7/8am, when they’re on their commutes. It’s probably the most popular time for them to message me. If i’m unable to read them for whatever reason (work/sleep/busy), I either ignore, use silent mode, or leave my phone in another room. Your friend has totally overreacted over a non-issue.

Congratulations on your offer, btw.

(I have a landline too. Like a PP, the only ones who call it are my mother & nuisance callers).

wednesday32 · 13/12/2018 12:31

wow, she sounds like hard work. Be grateful she has removed herself from your group. The timing of your message is perfectly acceptable. She chose to have the volume on her phone so it is her problem if that woke her up. There could be an underlying issue she has such as being jealous of your news, But that is her problem and not yours. I would not entertain anymore messages from her regarding this matter.