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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I may never be able to afford children

159 replies

StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 08:59

Am I the only person who considers children cost money? I see so many couples around me having children who are in low paid jobs/council flats/minimal space/minimal money who really struggle. I can’t think of anything worse. I want to have a mortgage and own my own property before we start trying for children, I worry as I am in my late twenties and we have only just started a budget plan so we can save for a deposit. I just can’t see it happening for us. How can people try for children and not consider the position they are in? Not judging at all just genuinely cannot imagine feeling comfortable with having children before we buy a house. Also, if I had a baby whilst renting, it would make it harder for us to borrow in the long run, being on maternity & no guarantee of going back to work full time (you never know what can happen).

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 11/12/2018 09:03

No I don't think you're the only person. Some people will never be able to afford to buy a house, children or not. Should breeding be a privilege for the rich only?

EmUntitled · 11/12/2018 09:06

I guess people have different priorities. Some will prioritise having kids whereas others prioritise buying a house. I think it is interesting that you have strong feelings about wanting to buy a house yet have only just started to save for a deposit. How long will it take you to save up enough? If you really want to have children, are you willing to wait 5 years, 10 years...?

Bigonesmallone3 · 11/12/2018 09:08

Not a great way to start a post mate

rubaduhlo · 11/12/2018 09:11

Someone once told me you will never be ready or rich enough for children. And I completely agree. You just make it work. You'd rather have a mortgage, other people are happy renting forever. It is what it is. Children are expensive but you cut down in other ways.

Namestheyareachangin · 11/12/2018 09:12

YANBU for wanting to own before having kids. YABU for thinking people shouldn't have kids who don't (some never will as their wages mean that their savings will always be outstripped by inflation).

You'r young yet (most of the women in my NCT group were closer to 40 than 30 and no-one was younger than 33) but if you're concerned you can't drum up a deposit where you live in 5-10 years, and you really want to have children (and can't psychologically budge from your 'house first' red line) then look into whether you can relocate somewhere cheaper without your salary falling commensurately.

If you want kids and have a decent job with prospects I would strongly recommend just having them if you're getting down to the wire. We all have different definitions of 'struggling', but you can have a perfectly nice life with kids without being above average wealth. It's just about budgetting, prioritisng what matters and not needing too much 'stuff' or high-ticket status symbols like new/posh cars or long-haul holidays.

Having kids is ace by the way, go for it.

Holidayshopping · 11/12/2018 09:13

How can people try for children and not consider the position they are in?

You ARE judging!!

Some people will never have a mortgage and will always be in a situation where they have

low paid jobs/council flats/minimal space/minimal money

Do you think having children should only be done by the wealthy?

My hairdresser is on a low wage-no qualifications, poor school experience etc and is married to a school site manager who is on a pittance. Neither will ever earn much money, don’t have the cash or desire to get more qualifications and rent a very small flat with help from tax credits. They are two of the nicest people you could hope to meet though and would make brilliant parents. They will probably NEVER own their house-should they not become parents?

x2boys · 11/12/2018 09:14

Well i did think of all the possibilities before i had children , i owned a home had been working as a nurse for years , and than my child was diagnosed with severe autism and learning disabilities which made it impossible to work best laid plans etc....

Pachyderm1 · 11/12/2018 09:14

It’s just a question of priorities. Yours are different to other people’s.

Original poster
StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 09:15

I’ve never been that great at articulating my words! We remain positive that we’ll get ourselves into property ladder in next few years. It’s interesting to hear others opinions on it.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 11/12/2018 09:16

I don’t worry about affording children, I worry about giving them a decent standard of life.

And then I worry about what a world they’re coming into. And what opportunities I’d really be giving them. I don’t want my kids in a world of rubbish employment and them being stuck like us :(

Notmyrealname85 · 11/12/2018 09:17

Basically lower middle class aren’t getting value for money in this world! We’re not the worst off at all but not exactly rich in opportunities

Original poster
StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 09:18

Also, I’m assuming I’d be lucky enough to have a baby! I know we cannot ‘plan’ our lives

OP posts:
Shazafied · 11/12/2018 09:19

Some people don’t care if they rent, some will be poor forever whether they have kids or not. Some people (like me) take the view that I’d rather have kids before it gets too late, am confident I can give them a good life even if we are not particularly well off. The saying “there is never a good time to have children” is rings true for me. Each to their own.

Original poster
StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 09:19

Yes your points are all so valid. Perhaps it’s the pressure of having everything together... buying a house, getting married then having children. Easier said that done these days.

OP posts:
Easterbuns1 · 11/12/2018 09:19

I’m in a rented house with 2 dc, hopefully 3 very soon. It’s unlikely we will get on the property ladder unless inheritance comes back our way to help with a deposit. I have 2 very happy children and a man who adores me and can honestly say hand on heart I’m probably happier than pretty much all of my more financially secure home owning friends. As a pp has said you can want money and stuff before children and that’s your prerogative, but sod off with judging people like me who think there’s more to life than having the deeds to a house!

Huggybear16 · 11/12/2018 09:21

@Pachyderm1 is right.

Having children is more important than owning a house for a lot of people. I'll probably never own a house, but I can afford to give me and my son a good standard of living whilst renting.

So no, you're not the only person that knows children cost money. YABU to think so.

Holidayshopping · 11/12/2018 09:21

Some people would much rather have their kids in their 20s (me definitely!) than wait until their 30s/40s. Everyone has their own different priorities

HellenaHandbasket · 11/12/2018 09:25

Am I the only person who considers children cost money?

Yes darling, of course you are. 😂🤔

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 11/12/2018 09:26

I sort of get what you mean.You think you should have a certain standard of living before thinking about having a child? It's not always possible though and as long as a child is fed,watered,clothed and is warm and loved everything else is material surely?

BitchQueen90 · 11/12/2018 09:28

Well not everyone "tries" for children. My DS was an accident. I was 22, on the pill and naive about contraception. Didn't realise that having a tummy upset would affect how it works. And voila, a pregnancy.

I'm a single mum and live in a private rented flat and receive tax credits. I don't struggle though. DS's father earns well and pays good maintenance. I'm currently saving to buy a property.

In hindsight I would have preferred to buy before I had DS but I like being a young mum.

Windybob · 11/12/2018 09:29

I don't blame you for being worried, especially with all this depressing news about the amount of children living in poverty these days! Everyone wants what is best for their kids whether they can afford it or not.

At the same time, you might never be "ready": homeowner or not! If you really want them, you'll figure something out, I'm sure. But you're planning and thinking about it now, which I think is good, even if your post hasn't come across as intended.

But remember, "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry", so don't over analyse too much.

Original poster
StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 09:34

No one really talks about money, it’s very private which I understand but makes me wonder if Anyone else is trying to plan out when They can afford to have them?

Apologies if my wording offended anyone. Not intended.

OP posts:
loubluee · 11/12/2018 09:34

I’m a qualified teacher. Also worked in learning and development for years. Had a 45k salary. 2 kids. Saving for a deposit. Had an accident. I became disabled. My relationship broke down. I’m now in council accommodation.

My eldest got into a competitive degree corse at uni, and is acing it. My youngest is flying high in school. We only go on a holiday abroad once a year as a family. However the eldest goes with his gf. Youngest goes to sking and to the states so far with school. I go away with my new dp.

My kids have everything they ask for. Yes I no longer drive around in a brand new car, I no longer have 1.5k spare a month. I no longer have a large 4 bedroom privately rented home. I have minimal space. Minimal money. Am on benefits. In council accommodation.

But do you know what? We are happy. Happier than some of my friends working 50/60 hours a week to pay the mortgage. Not being able to get the same time off work for holidays and so on. Stressed to their eyeballs.

I did not plan for my life to be like this. This wasn’t part of my 10 year plan lol

So please don’t judge those of us who live in council accommodation and don’t own our own home. Because as life cruelly told me- you don’t know what is around the corner and what will happen. Make the most of what you do have!

(And by the way kids are ace!)

loubluee · 11/12/2018 09:35

Sorry I didn’t mean to have such a long rant. This hit a nerve that’s allBlush

Oysterbabe · 11/12/2018 09:39

I planned when to have my 2 very carefully. I knew I'd only be able to afford 2 in nursery once the first one was getting some free hours.

If my finances had been much worse I may have waited a bit to see if I could improve things but after a while I'd have pushed on and had kids anyway. Finances change all the time and no one can predict the future. Once your fertility is gone it's gone. I'd prefer a rented house with children in it than owning an empty home.