To worry I may never be able to afford children

[StarFish36]

Am I the only person who considers children cost money? I see so many couples around me having children who are in low paid jobs/council flats/minimal space/minimal money who really struggle. I can’t think of anything worse. I want to have a mortgage and own my own property before we start trying for children, I worry as I am in my late twenties and we have only just started a budget plan so we can save for a deposit. I just can’t see it happening for us. How can people try for children and not consider the position they are in? Not judging at all just genuinely cannot imagine feeling comfortable with having children before we buy a house. Also, if I had a baby whilst renting, it would make it harder for us to borrow in the long run, being on maternity & no guarantee of going back to work full time (you never know what can happen).

We were discussing CB and saying it was unfair that our parents got it or the equivalent hence why I know plus a few friends at SAHM & claimed it to pay back, something to do with NI contributions. That’s also how I found out who was more than 100k as they didn’t qualify for the 30 free hours.

Parents on min wage can afford children with government support so it's entirely possible. If you got family to offer free childcare this will make a huge financial difference. Having more children could delay you buying a house because you might still paying expensive childcare preschool age while you work.

Owning a house is some sort of financial security in the future when you retired so you don't have to pay rent. However, this is probably won't be too much of a concern if you expect inheritance.

canigetaliein It is unusual to exclusively mix with people who are in the top 15%. I live in a similar (possibly the same!) area. I was privately educated and most of my friends are professionals but I still have some friends who are nurses, regular teachers etc... who aren’t on massive salaries. They live in nice houses because they’ve had lots of parental help, some send their kids to prep schools but they aren’t all earning over 50k.

I think it would be wonderful if everybody ensured they could afford the kids they produce, but having kids is often an emotional decision rather an a logical one. My advice is if you want kids then go for it, have one — there is a lot of support available at modern workplaces for single mums and you will be entitled to receive benefits too.

Canigetaliein - it rather suggests you've CHOSEN not to be friends with anyone below a certain income level.

To me that's really odd and I would if I met you in real life question why.

I'm currently (I live in hope it's not forever) a Lp on benefits due to disability and health issues (I am hoping to find a way to work even with those being unlikely to improve much. The disability will actually likely worsen). My friends come from a huge variety of backgrounds from landed gentry to "trade" wealthy to mc professionals to working class nmw workers and others in a similar position to myself. I can't imagine having such a narrow circle of friends. I enjoy having friends with a wide variety of perspectives on all the issues that affect us all. It leads to interesting discussions and enriches all our lives.

I prioritised being a young mum over deeds, each to their own I suppose. Houses can always be bought, fertility can’t

@Jaffacakebeast - nowadays childcare is so expensive a woman who prioritizes a child before a house, may not be able to buy in the future.

This is hilarious & a load of BS, believe me I don’t vet my friends & I would never judge someone by what they earn! These are friends that I’ve known since school & grew up with in London, met at uni outside London, colleagues, & neighbours who have become friends. Not everyone of them earns over 60k but one from each couple does. In our 20s we were all pretty poor (bar a few) & some are a few yrs older then me so obviously they have progressed in their careers! Only a few went to private secondary school, myself & DH didn’t & only one has chosen prep school for their kids although more might chose private secondary. I don’t think we could afford it tbh. I changed careers after DC1 & moved into the public sector in a financial role & there are certainly people I mix with would qualify for CB but they don’t as they are older then me & their children are 18+!! I was born & raised in London & attending state schools plus my parents are immigrants, believe me my life is enriching & diverse.

Child care cost don’t last forever, first 5 years are bad, it get less and less, I’ve read many a thread on here about the cost of ivf tho, and all those TTC, all those Women crying on the bathroom floor (Of their mortgaged house) Wasn’t a risk I was prepared to take

We waited for longer than we would have liked to start our family, mostly due to finances.

I needed to secure a permanent job and become eligible for smp and saved up some money for maternity leave. We wanted to pay off as much debt as possible first too. There was literally no way of us surviving financially without sorting those things first, we were already frugal so wouldn’t have been as easy as “cutting back a bit”

Then We waited until dc1 was 3 and eligible for nursery funding before trying for dc2, as 2 x nursery fees would have been impossible.

It meant we were 35 and 39 when we first became parents which was much later than preferred.

I don't think having children should only be for the rich but I also dong think some people actually think about what they can afford as they rely on the state to top up their pay.

You have to prioritise. Yes children cost a lot of money and you have to factor in not only the cost of food, clothes, entertainment, bigger house, car etc but also the effect on one of both partners career, maybe need to go part time etc.

But it's worth it. We just cut our cloth. For example our non child rearing friends go abroad every year and are our most weeks drinking etc. We don't do that but I wouldn't swap my children for the ability to do that.

I think round about the late 90s/early 00s, depending on where you are in the UK, it just became impossible for a lot of people to do stuff in an orderly fashion I.e. buy house before having children. That works if you’re somewhere it’s possible to get on property ladder by 30 or so. Any later and it’s too much of a hostage to fortune.

DH works in an accountancy firm, he’s mid 40s. When he joined the firm on graduation, the norm was for people to graduate, then qualify, buy a flat round the time they qualified, get married, have kids late twenties into early thirties.

Now, increasingly people (especially women) graduate, get a non-qualification track job with the firm where they will learn the ropes but have no exams, have one or two kids in quick succession, then switch to a qualification position when the youngest is 2 or 3. The exams are easier if you already know the job/firm a bit better. Then they buy a house when they’ve qualified in late twenties or early thirties and climb the ladder as their kids progress through school.

One of his younger colleagues said to me she decided that she would have her kids young even though they were still renting, as at least she and her partner was rich in energy and able to be up half the night at that age. Plus both sets of grandparents were late 40s.

I do really see the sense in it.

Starfish. I think you are taking the ideal approach. Financial stability and planning are a big part of our family planning. I am often surprised by how many people don’t work out detailed budgets prior to choosing to have children.

One thing to consider on housing is to not get overextended. Owning a house is great, but renting can be better in some circumstances and locations.

One thing my DH and I realized was that we needed to be prepared to be raising our child on one income if circumstances required that. We had known a few couples that ended up having children with special needs or health problems that basically forced one parent to stop working on fairly short notice. If that happens, being in a house you can just barely afford becomes a problem if you can’t sell it quickly.

A salary of 60k is approx 3.5k before any pension contributions. Even with lots of parental help if buying now you would still be looking at a mortgage of 1.5k+ & depending upon whether one parent is pt or ft 500-1k for childcare per child. I would say it’s conservative for my borough & many earn far, far more.

To give you a different perspective. We were renting a small flat when we intentionally had our first baby. We had no money at all, although both working as it all went on rent and bills. We did have loads of books, and both had a good education and the benefit of a good

I have some fairly common but potentially fertility reducing conditions so I didn’t want to wait too long.

We wanted to have energy and have grandparents who would be young enough to play.

We felt the lifestyle our parents had as middle class parents in the South east in the 90s would likely be unattainable for us anyway. Waiting 5 years wasn’t going to help by much.

I’m a big believer that if you are in the right relationship for a good period of time, you shouldn’t choose to delay getting pregnant beyond early thirties. It’s just medically daft if you have a choice (clearly many people don’t have a choice, which is a different matter).

I don’t regret it for a minute and we had a second shortly afterwards. We bought literally every single thing second hand. I didn’t buy anything new at all until eldest was about 2 and finances were better. They are now in school and it hasn’t impacted them at all.

Babies just need loving interested parents and the tiniest of financial outlay. You, as the adults need to eat and have a roof over your head. But the rest is luxury.

As they get older they need more space and money but we have slowly got more of both and now live in a four bedroom house (rented in a cheap area). They have (too) many toys, books, essentials and importantly the benefit of two very available parents. We choose to live somewhere safe but not remotely ‘desirable’ so we can be present with our children as much as possible. We have found compared to friends that live where we used to live, we also have far less pressure to ‘keep up with the Jones’. There is no expectation of expensive parties or spending a fortune on gifts for school friends or contributing financially at school. It’s a much slower, happier pace too being outside middle class London/commuter bubble.

For me personally, getting the house but being unable to have children would have been a terrible situation. We prioritised children as that was more important.

People confuse working class with no-intention-to-work class. The first they have kids and get by, the second don't deserve kids.

The mean income is over £60k in 7 London boroughs but the median income is only above 40k in one London borough (city of London) if all of your friends are in a couple where one is earning over 50k you clearly don’t have a very diverse bunch of friends.

I have met a wide mix of people in my life but very few who genuinely never want or wanted to work
Some of them can't due to mental health or disabilities and declining then the right to have children is equal to eugenics

Because that's all just materialistic things.
Children needs loving and understanding parents, happy home environment and it really doesn't matter if you live in rental house or your own house.
Just because some people don't have that much money or their own hour doesn't mean that they shouldn't have children ffs!

3WildOnes Since when has income been the main measure of diversity? Whose to say I won’t meet some families in the future that get CB, DC1 only started school ly so that’s a new source of potential friends for me. I met my DH at 19 so our friendship group is pretty tight plus we didn’t lose touch moving to London as we were all already there. I don’t think it’s abnormal to not make lots of new friends, where to you think I should be going in order to mix more? Most people’s world of friends (not acquaintances) relvolves around childhood, their family, work & school or hobbies.

But even where you plan really well, you never know what's around the corner.

Me and DH were married 15 years and both earning fantastic salaries when we decided to try for a baby. Ended up needing several years of infertility treatment and 3 mmc's before we finally had our beautiful dd.

We moved to a fabulous new house when I was 5 months pregnant which we could easily afford, along with all other approaching childcare expenses etc. on 2 great salaries.

Unfortunately, our previously totally healthy dd developed a severe, life threatening illness at 6 months old. Thank God she survived but it left her with severe learning difficulties, severe autism and a very dangerous form
of epilepsy. One of us of course had to give up work which left us with one salary along with dd' s disability benefits once she was old enough to qualify.

To say we struggled would be an understatement but we were determined not to lose our home and everything we had worked so hard to achieve.

26 years later all worked out fantastically well and all 3 of us live very comfortably now but we had to look at other options, take big drops in position/salaries, study to requalify, start up our own small business etc. to make it happen. DH and I were able to retire early on our private pensions and the sale of our business to spend lots of time with our dd.

You can't plan for anything like this as no-one thinks it will ever happen to them. My best suggestion to anyone - as morbid as it sounds - is to try and plan for any potential financial disasters.

I had my baby at 16 so my circumstances were very unstable, but I now have a nice (rented) home and can afford everything for him.

I think it can all work out at any age, any financial situation, any living situation - it might just be a bit more difficult but no less amazing to have children.

I'm happy having no luxuries or extras for myself for my child.