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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To worry I may never be able to afford children

159 replies

StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 08:59

Am I the only person who considers children cost money? I see so many couples around me having children who are in low paid jobs/council flats/minimal space/minimal money who really struggle. I can’t think of anything worse. I want to have a mortgage and own my own property before we start trying for children, I worry as I am in my late twenties and we have only just started a budget plan so we can save for a deposit. I just can’t see it happening for us. How can people try for children and not consider the position they are in? Not judging at all just genuinely cannot imagine feeling comfortable with having children before we buy a house. Also, if I had a baby whilst renting, it would make it harder for us to borrow in the long run, being on maternity & no guarantee of going back to work full time (you never know what can happen).

OP posts:
babydreamer1 · 11/12/2018 15:28

YABU at all. I think it depends what kind of life you want though. You can have children quite cheaply if you want to but you'll have to live a modest life. We chose to be financially stable before children (30 and 32), as we wanted to provide the best we could. We have a bigger house but a mortgage we can manage on my partners salary, we can still travel and have substantial savings. This means I can have the full year off and more importantly do lots with my son, swimming, classes, days out as a family ect. It's my opinion that no one should have children they can't support without government assistance.

Halloweenallyearround · 11/12/2018 15:29

And your sure if you wait your body with be able to have children? Because I bet you'd rather be poor and have a child that have a house with none.
You post is ridiculous.
Yes people who have to many and are solely on benefits from school up isn't always right, but do you know how many people come from living with a single mother in a council house and are very successful???
Lee Evans, stormzy? My own dad is one of 6 and he managed to work hard and makes 300 an hour.

And that big house you waiting for to fit your future dc, well why get married when so many end in divorce or people lose their homes.

HSarah · 11/12/2018 15:31

A child needs a loving family, food, shelter. If parents can provide that then they're doing fine.

A child certainly won't care whether or not they are in rented or owned accommodation.

IStoleThisName · 11/12/2018 15:34

I had it all planned. University, marriage, house, babies.

I fell pregnant in my second year of university at nineteen. I was lucky enough to get a council property eleven years ago as I was made essentially homeless by having to drop out. I went on to have another child at 22. I married their father in 2016. I'm back in my second year of university re-doing my degree at 30. We've just had our third, and final child.

Sometimes life doesn't go to plan and we've not always been able to 'afford' children yet they've always had everything they needed. We may never be able to own a house but our children are far more of a priority for us than saving £20,000 for a deposit with terrible credit ratings due to years of debt and defaults in our early years with a baby where we were trying to keep up with the Jones'. Now my husband has a good job, I'm a full time student and we make our ends meet with enough in savings for a rainy day but nowhere near enough to consider private schools or owning a home.

We have different priorities and that's okay. Nobody can ever afford a child on paper unless they're properly rich but we all make it work.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/12/2018 15:35

It's my opinion that no one should have children they can't support without government assistance.

Then maybe the government need to bring in a nmw that reflects this.

Laurenb23 · 11/12/2018 15:37

I honestly think there is no right time for children, Children are expensive no matter what!
You can struggle for your whole life with money, so what you're never going to make the leap?

There is more to life than money, and honestly I can say I wouldn't care if I was living in a flat with nothing to eat myself, As long as I had my daughter, I would choose her over anything!

When I fell pregnant with my little one, Me and my partner will still living with our parents, we quickly viewed some houses and moved in a few months before she was born, now we're living in our own home and she has everything she desires!

There's always a way

canigetaliein · 11/12/2018 15:38

It's my opinion that no one should have children they can't support without government assistance So only those earning over 100k individually?

Graphista · 11/12/2018 15:55

"I don’t know anyone who receives tax credits or even CB." I find that VERY hard to believe! Given the threshold for CB is quite high too unless you're in an extremely wealthy community and even then the people working for you and your friends & family likely will be receiving that support (and you're benefitting as a result).

"Well it 'Will matter one jot' our house, all our savings etc will be spilt between our two children" unless that asset has to be used to fund your retirement, adaptations to your home and/or residential care.

"It's my opinion that no one should have children they can't support without government assistance." Great! So I assume that means you're lobbying your MP and govt to pay EVERYONE an ACTUAL living wage, to ensure affordable good quality childcare is available and have some magical ability to ensure that NO parents become disabled or sick after having children, that children aren't born or become sick/disabled and no parents ever die before a child hits 18! Or even that no parents are ever made redundant as a result of oh I'm guessing here but a GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRASH CAUSED BY GREEDY BANKERS AND POLITICIANS! 🤔

Dreamer is spot on as a descriptor!

Alb1 · 11/12/2018 16:02

Havnt read everything so sorry if it's been said too many times already. Yes I considered money, didn't own a house and didn't plan to get married but desperately wanted children, both had normal decent jobs so can afford to give our children a decent standard of life, we just rent rather than own. I can't watch a house grow up and i can't love one like I love my children, they are amazing, I'm just not fussed by owning my own house in comparison. We got married after our first child, and we hope to own a house one day (late 20s now, oldest child is 4, so no reason we can't own a house in the next 10 years) but in the meantime we love our lives as a family. It's just about priorities and everyone's varies.

canigetaliein · 11/12/2018 16:02

Graphista I wasn’t saying it as a bad thing my point was the other poster had said those on tax credits should be able to have a child but not others. My point is who decides where the line is?

I honestly don’t know anyone who gets CB, I live in a naice part of SW London where it’s normal for one person to earn at least 60k & therefore not receive CB. Weirdly I’m one of the youngest at my work so it’s not relevant as the equivalent to CB wasn’t means tested in the past. My siblings don’t have children yet but are on the threshold. Quite a few of my friends don’t qualify for the 30 free hours as one of them earns over 100k. Some of my friends have normal jobs teaching or police but they earn over 60k

anxiousmotherof1 · 11/12/2018 16:04

@KnightlyMyMan your replies make me so angry ! You should re evaluate your ideas and try to look beyond your privillaged life !

canigetaliein · 11/12/2018 16:04

one should be some.

BanginChoons · 11/12/2018 16:06

YABU. Kids aren't just a privelege for homeowners only.

hohohobags · 11/12/2018 16:13

@Youseethethingis 👌

selepele · 11/12/2018 16:14

i don't think op meant bad saying this it is just worded bad
and children are a blessing but you are like me you don't want to struggle and have them not have everything that children deserve. its not to put any shame on anyone elses journey its just what you wish

Andromeida59 · 11/12/2018 16:15

I'm not saying that only home ownership offers stability and I'm certainly not saying that only the wealthy should afford children.

I think people like the Radfords are extremely selfish. I think those who have child after child without considering their long term welfare, are selfish.

We were living in a mortgaged house in the early 90's and had the house repossessed because of financial mismanagement by my idiot mother. We literally had nothing.

If people think that my partner and I are selfish for taking the opportunity to have a rental property, so be it. We're very unlikely to have pensions when we get retirement age so we're having to plan ahead.

Summerisdone · 11/12/2018 16:25

What if you had the house, and the money in the bank, then you go ahead and have a child, but you and your partner split, or one of you becomes very ill? This could very well change all your circumstances so much that your savings run out very quickly and maybe you can no longer work your better paid job around your home life, then you may find yourself with a child and on on a low wage, back in rented (or god forbid, council) accommodation and struggling to get by... see how nothing can ever be planned out perfectly and anything can happen.

You may even go ahead and have a child now, but you and your partner could work your way up further in your jobs and earn more money, still save for a deposit and buy a house and end up comfortable financially, things can happen any which way, it really doesn't have to be in a perfect order that it all comes together.

DwayneDibbly · 11/12/2018 16:25

I've seen this discussion several times recently, and here's my two pennyworth. I used to believe the same. I'm the eldest of four and was brought up in a council house by parents on benefits. I definitely knew I didn't want to scrimp and struggle like we had done.

I've just had my first child, at 38. I will never own my own home because I prioritised experiences and my education over the possibility of ownership. I have some small savings but less than a grand. My DC laughs every day. They want for nothing. You can't eat love, for sure, but if definitely goes a long way.

StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 16:39

I’ve apologised already for the way I worded my post - on reflection I should have been a little more tactful, I wrote this out of frustration and emotion this morning. I do stand by my point though and I appreciate those who understand where I am coming from!! Never did I say I think those who chose a different path are wrong - just that I struggle to see how I would feel comfortable doing things that way. It’s a very personal choice. And for those who are saying I could end up splitting up with my oh or I could end up losing my job - yes I’m aware, I may sound incredibly naive in this post!! But I am aware life may throw you a curve ball and it won’t go how you plan for it to. It’s been good to hear different views - And it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one who really worries about the future.

OP posts:
Wheresmrlion · 11/12/2018 17:27

I get you op. Think people have misunderstood you a bit here.

In an ideal world people would do some kind of planning before they had children. Not necessarily getting on the housing ladder, but thinking about how it will work financially, practically, affording mat leave, longer term plans etc to provide their children with security and stability.

Obviously life doesn’t always turn out the way you planned, unexpected pregnancies, relationship breakdowns, redundancies and illnesses all happen every day to people that weren’t expecting it. And some people don’t think about these things at all and start families regardless, which I agree with you isn’t ideal and can lead to very stressful lives for both parents and children.

I think you’re sensible for thinking about it and doing some planning before you try for children. There will never be a perfect time but it’s a lot easier to build your career, save and get a mortgage pre kids than with little ones.

Vehivle · 11/12/2018 21:02

I understand you say that you didn't mean for it to be judgey but I think your true feelings showed through the text.

You say youre in your 20s - I expect what's probably happened is that your immediate group of friends have all started to have babies. And because you (and/or your partner) have decided to wait til you have a mortgage first - and because current house prices - you know it's going to be a good few years before you can have babies so you're trying to placate your own feelings (jealousy + broodiness) by telling yourself that it's irresponsible to have kids before a mortgage and those doing it are wrong and you're right for waiting.

I say this because I have friends who have kids and friends who are waiting like yourself and the latter have expressed similar views to yourself whilst also clearly being jealous of the fact others have babies and they don't yet (and have admitted this to me in private). In my friend's case her partner had insisted no babies before mortgage and she felt she had no choice but to stick with that and so belittled others who had babies already and were renting to make herself feel better.

As many PP have said already - you can have all that and lose it all after kids come along. Or start without it and get it later (having kids doesn't make that impossible btw). Or even as others have said - they left it til after they felt financially ready only to experience troubles with conceiving as they left it too late.

My H and I don't have a mortgage. However we have 2 kids. Both of us bring in enough income to where we can afford childcare for both (I work part time). We don't claim any benefits except child benefit. If we couldn't afford the child care, I'd give up work. But for now both of us are in jobs with good career progression options which means in the future we shall be able to get a good mortgage between us.

We figured we could wait to have children til after we had a mortgage - but with that comes risk of potential fertility issues (it took us a while to fall pregnant actually so glad we started when we did!), increased chance of the child having a disability or at the very least a more difficult pregnancy and labour. Btw the latter can have life long consequences if it goes really wrong. Physical damage sustained during childbirth - like all injuries - have a greater chance of healing well if you're younger than if you're older. Your body's ability to heal could make the difference between life long poo incontinence for example.

Or we could have them now, live frugally whilst the kids are little and don't know any different (babies don't care they're in charity shop clothes) and by the time they are in school we'd be financially better off due to career progression so their memories won't be of them being denied things other kids have. We will be able to buy them nice things.

People have (and continue to do so in very poor countries) raised lots of children on very little money. And the British standard of poor is much better than what poor is in other countries. I'm not advocating that we raise children in a poor environment but I do believe that having children needn't be as expensive as you claim it is. And definitely having a mortgage in place before having children is a preference and not a necessity.

It's good you feel comfortable with your choice, but you getting into a flap about other people's choices indicates you aren't fully settled and content with your choice. Maybe take some time to think again to ensure you're fully content with your decision to wait.

London91 · 11/12/2018 21:17

This is a conversation me and my partner had a couple of years ago. We are in our late twenties and early thirties and in all honesty due to personal circumstances could not afford to buy where we live. If we did manage to save for a deposit we would have to up sticks and move to a totally different area. Whilst our home situation isn't Ideal, I am very lucky to have parents who will happily allow me to stay home with a baby. Whilst paying minimal rent. Due to health issues, I think prolonging children for me is just going to make it harder in the future. I would personally rather have my own home but it's not possible right now. I don't think there is a right time to choose to have children unless you are extremely well off. I think you have to decide what you want more. Whether you'd rather be less well off and have children or wait longer until you're in the right place but you could also leave it too long and struggle to get pregnant. YABU to say people earning a lower income should not have children. It's personal choice. You never know when circumstances could change. Some people may have been in a better financial situation when they had their children.

3WildOnes · 11/12/2018 21:21

canigetaliein I can’t believe that you know no one who gets child benefit. I also live in a nice part of sw London and I’m sure there are plenty. Even if your children are at private schools there will be families on bursaries, others who are on more ordinary wages and are getting help from grandparents. Regular teachers don’t make 60k, they would need to have senior leadership roles to be making this.

canigetaliein · 11/12/2018 21:29

3WildOnes Why is it so hard to believe? I’m in mid 30s with 2 young children, flats where I am are 650+ & houses 1m+. I’m not saying there arent people at my child’s school that get it but no one that I actually know as in close relationship with or would know their finances. Plenty of teachers on UPS with HOY responsibilities & a TRL thing get 60-65k, I know 3 teachers. Rest of my friends are accountants, docs, surgeon, barrister, marketing stuff & IT.

BeachtheButler · 11/12/2018 21:31

If you wait until you can afford children you will never have any. We started our family just after DW had been made redundant, and we had virtually nothing in the bank but the time was right for us. Somehow we managed it.