Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To worry I may never be able to afford children

159 replies

StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 08:59

Am I the only person who considers children cost money? I see so many couples around me having children who are in low paid jobs/council flats/minimal space/minimal money who really struggle. I can’t think of anything worse. I want to have a mortgage and own my own property before we start trying for children, I worry as I am in my late twenties and we have only just started a budget plan so we can save for a deposit. I just can’t see it happening for us. How can people try for children and not consider the position they are in? Not judging at all just genuinely cannot imagine feeling comfortable with having children before we buy a house. Also, if I had a baby whilst renting, it would make it harder for us to borrow in the long run, being on maternity & no guarantee of going back to work full time (you never know what can happen).

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 11/12/2018 09:40

We rent. I don’t really see why having a mortgage is essential, if anything it actually makes your position more precarious. If we find that our income drops we can always just move to a cheaper house. If we had a mortgage we would have to try to sell quickly which isn’t easy or even possible sometimes or risk not being able to pay for school fees.

StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 09:40

Loubluee - don’t apologise for ranting that’s what this site is for. Again sorry if my words came across as offensive. I feel a bit along in my feelings towards having a family one day so I guess I was trying to ask if anyone else feels the same. I’m sorry for what you went through but it’s inspiring to hear that you’re living such a happy life now and I’m sure your children continue to bring you so much joy.

OP posts:
Lostbeyondwords · 11/12/2018 09:41

I have a friend doing much the same as you. We are mid thirties. She is going to be waiting a very long time with the way rents/jobs/deposits are, you probably will be too.

As pp have said, you will never "have enough". You have kids and cut down and make it work. It might not sound ideal, but when you do get on the property ladder there will always be the next hurdle-continuing to earn "enough" to pay the mortgage are still "afford" kids.

Stroller15 · 11/12/2018 09:42

We're renting a house with 2DC. It's a much nicer house than we can get on mortgage with the same value. A house really isn't everything. A loving home is.

I also don't know why everytbing has to be absolutely perfect before having kids. Children don't need much, 'keeping up with the Joneses' adds the pressure.

KnightlyMyMan · 11/12/2018 09:43

You are not alone OP- I work in a professional office FULL of women just like you and me.

To whom actively trying for a child is as much a financial commitment as buying a home - 🤔 Just as you need a desposit to get a mortgage- you need to have your financial ducks in a row to try for a baby!

It really makes me roll my eyes and loose faith when women (and we all know these type 😒) who are already 6-7 months pregnant, say things like;

‘😮 did you know how much childcare costs?’
😬 no, if only it was common knowledge that it’s cripplingly expensive 😂 or maybe if there was a world wide data base on which you could have gathered this information prior to creating a life!

‘How am I supposed to go back to work? We can’t afford to loose my wage’
😮 A baby requires FULL TIME care...really? And trained professionals don’t want to work for bellow minimum wage/ in terrible conditions? Well that’s appalling!! 😬😂🤔

The reason it bugs me so much is that women would simply not get away with being so ill prepared or irresponsible in ANY other aspect of life! If Amy wandered into a shop and tried to buy a top without having enough money no one else would jump to her deffence like ‘Well that top is over priced you should give it to her for what she can afford!’ 😂 it’s madness!

And it’s unreasonable to say that the government should subsidise the care of 0-3 year olds more than it already does as in reality - having a baby in 2018 Britain IS a choice- more so than ever before in history. Inflicting the financial implication of that choice onto everyone else completely conflicts with the ‘every lifestyle is ok’ ethos that modern times promotes- why should a married couple who have no intention of having children be forced to contribute financially to the care costs of those who do?

We can’t claim a ‘population epidemic’ would ensue as frankly there are enough ‘financially capable’ couples who would reproduce that the human race wouldn’t suddenly die out. It may dwindle a little but frankly that may be useful to the worlds severe over population and dwindling resources!

But of course that’s not what happens- in reality people who knowingly can’t afford children, have them anyway, and then spend their lives complaining about how they kids live in poverty and how it’s EVERYONE else’s fault but their own.

And the country ends up bent over a barrel with its hands tied because at the end of the day it’s not the children’s fault and they’re the ones who suffer because of irresponsible- selfish parents!

*Complaining about the costs of childcare is the worst, nursery’s arent funded by some magical never ending pot. Do they not need to pay staff at least minimum wage? Pay for sick/maternity cover? Pay for insurance/ facilities/ rent and untikities and all the other stuff that comes with running a good business. At the end of the day it’s a baby, do you really want (cheap) unqualified staff being in charge of a tiny vulnerable life? If your child chocked to death and the nursery said ‘well we couldn’t afford to send the staff on first aid courses this year as parents wouldn’t pay the extra £20 a month’ how happy would you be that you saved money? It’s a lot but you’re capable of factoring this in before trying for a child!

HellenaHandbasket · 11/12/2018 09:46

I really think you are being a bit disingenuous. Are you genuinely saying you feel alone in planning your finances? Because I would posit that the majority of people do. Those on low incomes etc included, it may just be that they don't mind "scraping by" for a few years.

KnightlyMyMan · 11/12/2018 09:46

*also just to clarify - you do not need to be wealthy to have a child! You do not need to be able to provide the latest toys or flashy items.

But you DO have to be able to scrape paying the basics such as rent, utilities and food! If you physically can’t do this once a baby is on the scene- then ^ that is what I’m referring to above.

I grew up in a home where we didn’t have much because one parent stayed home with us due to childcare costs- but we did have food and basics and no debt collectors banging on the door daily- we got by!

bumblebee39 · 11/12/2018 09:46

For some of us it's backwards

We fall pregnant then wonder how the hell to manage things

No contraception is 100%

Shazafied · 11/12/2018 09:48

Agree that you just make do. We have a young dd and another on the way, we won’t have foreign holidays or new things for a long time, dd2 will be in hand me downs , we buy cheaper food according to a budget (healthy though , lentils etc) and just don’t live outside our means. I never take dd1 to anything that costs more than. Couple of pounds (most toddler groups here are £1). I colour and trim my own hair. You just think “oh well, can’t afford that, how can I do it another way” and it doesn’t matter because you count your blessings to have your beautiful child/children who is happy and loved.

^this sounds like we are v.poor - we are not. We can pay all our bills and then make do with what’s left.

ViragoKnows · 11/12/2018 09:48

I thought the regular moral panic thread about poor people procreating was overdue 🙄

StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 09:48

knightlymyman - I do think that for example, if i was told it would be difficult for me to have a child later in life and time wasn’t on my side then I would absolutely prioritise having a baby over buying a house. But if you have the luxury of time then I do agree, I think the sensible thing to do is prepare as much as you can financially. Which is what I plan on doing.

OP posts:
ViragoKnows · 11/12/2018 09:52

Yes we get it OP; You’re great and the low paid should know their place.

Try not to say all this in earshot of anyone in a position to scald your scalp, spit in your soup or “forget” to collect your bin, eh? Wink

Vitalogy · 11/12/2018 09:53

A clip from the film Idiocracy:

StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 09:54

That’s not what I was suggesting, I will be more careful with my words so hopefully no one will scald me or spit in my food.

OP posts:
SaltPans · 11/12/2018 09:56

Sorry to burst your bubble, but in all those countries where statistically people on average have 1 - 2 children (and that's including Europe, the US, and East Asia), most people work out how many children they can afford - that is why they only have 1 - 2 children and not 6 - 8!

DS and fiancee moved into a rented flat together last year, had a baby in March, hope to move into their own house in February and get married in July; so it is doable.

There is never the "right" time to have a baby! You could always have more money, a better job, the mortgage paid off....and then you could be too old to have children!

Cclmsc · 11/12/2018 09:56

How buying a house is important to you , having children is that important to other people. Myself included.
I had my first daughter whilst renting and in a low paid job. and now we own a lovely house and have 3 children. We done it the ‘wrong way round’ if you like and couldn’t be happier. Life never turns out like you plan

isshoes · 11/12/2018 09:56

I just had my first at 37. Before having him, I always thought I would have to return to work full-time, as there was no way I could possibly afford not to. Now that he’s here, I have looked at everything again, and worked out that if I budget VERY carefully, I can just about to go to three days a week. I feel very fortunate to be able to do that - not everyone can. The point I think is that having children makes you look at your finances differently, and what you thought would be impossible before might be doable if you reprioritise. For example, I will be shopping at Lidl or Aldi and not Tesco or Sainsbury’s. I won’t be buying new clothes for myself every month. I won’t be pissing my money up a wall just because I can. If I had been more sensible before with money, I’d be better off, but I never knew how much I had.

ViragoKnows · 11/12/2018 10:00

And it’s unreasonable to say that the government should subsidise the care of 0-3 year olds more than it already does as in reality - having a baby in 2018 Britain IS a choice- more so than ever before in history. Inflicting the financial implication of that choice onto everyone else completely conflicts with the ‘every lifestyle is ok’ ethos that modern times promotes-

“That modern times promotes”? You do know that’s meaningless gibberish.

So is the old “children are a lifestyle choice” chestnut.

Society and the economy NEED children.

All of the countries that subsidise early years care have better equality markers and childhood outcomes than we do. It’s just an extension of free universal education at primary and secondary levels. We’re positively retrograde for not having it in the UK yet.

jessstan2 · 11/12/2018 10:01

There's no reason why you cannot eventually buy a house and have a child, especially if you don't give up work. Most women do work after having kids nowadays, can't afford not to.

Yes, having kids is an expensive business. Extremely rewarding though, I'm glad I took the plunge but was very hard up for a long time. We did have a house but finances were tight. Now I am no longer hard up I'm going to make sure my offspring (& theirs if they have any), are well provided for.

You're a young person StarFish, things will gradually fall into place for you bit by bit but please don't stress about it now, enjoy your life. Wine

InDubiousBattle · 11/12/2018 10:04

I think the majority of people who have problems with infertility don't know that they do until they try to have a baby. Most people can't possibly know if they have the luxury of time or not . We rent (a beautiful house in a lovely area with a great school and pre scbool)and are still saving for a deposit. We waited until we were in our 30's to ttc and a well aware how fortunate we have been to have our dc, waiting any longer to save more for a house would have been the wrong thing for us. Having a mortgage doesn't always equal total financial security and renting doesn't indicate a lack of financial planning.

StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 10:04

Thanks you jessstan, I am a huge worrier - you’re right I need to relax and let things happen when they’re supposed to.

It’s good to know many others have these same concerns about having their shit together! Will continue to save money and hope that we can live a stable, comfortable and happy life 👍🏼

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 11/12/2018 10:10

I was renting when I had my first, and we bought a house before numbers 2, 3 and 4 arrived. We're a single wage family, and have been since I found I was expecting our first.

We didn't consider any financial implications when deciding to have them, we wanted children, so we had them, and we cut out cloth accordingly.

I don't believe you can over-plan these things, life's happens and it's not àlways expected, so you go with the flow and do wjay makes you happy. You'll never be ready for them if you have such a staunch ticklist.

acquiescence · 11/12/2018 10:15

I do understand your point, I can also see how you have offended some people. I don’t think having children should be a preserve of the wealthy. Also we are quite unusual in the UK that home ownership is seen as so expensive.

We haven’t really found having children that expensive. My husband and I are NHS professionals and on slightly above national average wages when full time do not high earners. I now work part time. We have a very small amount of childcare support from family, pay for a small amount of childcare and condense our hours. I buy everything second hand and then sell it on after so ‘stuff’ doesn’t cost much. Nappies and wipes etc are covered by child benefit. I’m anticipating it will get more expensive as they get bigger with school trips and after school activities and less second hand clothes available. We don’t do many big holidays and mostly do heap trips out. Before we had children we we went abroad a lot and stayed in hotels in the UK for weekends away, had meals and nights out more. None of this is practical with two small children so we aren’t really worse off overall. If you wanted to do big holidays etc then I can see how this could be very expensive.

We did own our house before having children but I can’t see how the situation would be much different if we were still renting.

acquiescence · 11/12/2018 10:16

Edit: unusual in the UK that home ownership is seen as so DESIRABLE not expensive!

StarlightIntheNight · 11/12/2018 10:17

I find it strange that some families will have like 5 or 6 children and being debt. I can understand wanting to have dc and having 2-3 if you can't afford it, but to go on and have 5-6 is nuts when you are in massive debt! I would not put getting a house above having dc. We had our dc and thought it would never happen, us affording to buy a house. We live in London, where its impossible to save enough for a house! But I had faith that we would find a way. Two dc later, we managed to save and thanks to my parents help, buy a house in London. With out my parents help, we would only be able to afford a house outside of London. You make compromises when having dc. Your life changes. And they are not that expensive if you don't send them to private school. You can find a way. Loads of people give away or throw out old baby clothes. I have given friends BAGS and Bags of almost new looking baby clothing, as we had a lot and most kept in perfect condition. So there is ways around it having dc and not spending a fortune.

Swipe left for the next trending thread