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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I may never be able to afford children

159 replies

StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 08:59

Am I the only person who considers children cost money? I see so many couples around me having children who are in low paid jobs/council flats/minimal space/minimal money who really struggle. I can’t think of anything worse. I want to have a mortgage and own my own property before we start trying for children, I worry as I am in my late twenties and we have only just started a budget plan so we can save for a deposit. I just can’t see it happening for us. How can people try for children and not consider the position they are in? Not judging at all just genuinely cannot imagine feeling comfortable with having children before we buy a house. Also, if I had a baby whilst renting, it would make it harder for us to borrow in the long run, being on maternity & no guarantee of going back to work full time (you never know what can happen).

OP posts:
user1471426142 · 11/12/2018 10:23

If you are in a position to plan financially then I think it is sensible. Obviously some people will not have that luxury but you do so you have a degree of choice. If you have time then the best thing you can do is focus on your career and earn more if you can. There does become a point when you do need to take the plunge though. We were comfortable when we had our first, saved up for baby things, a cushion for mat leave etc but financially/career wise we’d have been better waiting another few years. Money isn’t always the primary factor in decision-making and I think it is true that if you waited for the perfect time, you’d never find it.

MakeAHouseAHome · 11/12/2018 10:27

Personally I wouldn't have children until I had a house, had paid off a decent chunk of the mortgage, and had enough left over each month tl easily support the cost of a child without needing to go without in other aspects of life.

Personal choice, yes. But I still think it is highly irresponsible of people who do bring children into this world when they quite obviously can't afford it.

tryinganewname · 11/12/2018 10:27

I do kind of get what you mean.. DH and I didn't plan to have DD as such (she's four months old) but knew we would have a child someday soon and as such, we worked to put ourselves in the best positions we could - good salaries, stable jobs and mortgage. I would never judge someone else who rented, lived in council house etc. (I grew up in a council house with 3 brothers and parents with very low paid jobs, we did just fine.)

We've decided that we won't be having another child, simply because we can't afford it, we're early 30s and it's kind of a now or never time for us and we couldn't afford 2 lots of nursery fees or for one of us to be a SAHP. Also, if we did have another, it means that DD gets half of everything that she would have done as an only child. That is simply OUR choice though, more than pleased when others have children at any point in their lives and situations.

LaurieMarlow · 11/12/2018 10:32

I understand the desire for financial stability before having kids. I imagine any sensible person would want that.

However it's becoming increasingly difficult to bag a good salary and buy a house these days. So people decide they want children badly enough to have them in less than their 'ideal' circumstances. Besides, even for the very comfortable, there's never a 'right' time. You just have to take the plunge.

I don't think that's so hard to understand.

Original poster
StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 10:38

If I had children first, I would be pushing the opportunity for us to buy a property even further into the future - I understand that mortgage doesn’t equal complete stability however I would rather be investing into mine and my families future instead of paying someone else’s mortgage and having no assets for my future children to benefit from

OP posts:
canigetaliein · 11/12/2018 10:43

Well I for one was shocked at the price of childcare. Not that I want to pay peanuts but my local nursery is £91 a day. I found a wonderful childminder for £70, I think childcare should be subsidised.

MrsStrowman · 11/12/2018 10:45

We both have decent professional careers (public sector so good salaries but not by MN standards!) own our home (mortgage) and have no other debt. I got pregnant much quicker than we anticipated (fertility issues) and it feels like we don't have enough money as we've not saved enough to cover my mat leave and I'm the higher earner, we'd anticipated at least another year of savings, and baby was a month early so I lost out on an expected full month's salary. Unless you are very well off it will never feel like the perfect time, but you will get through it. I know once I'm back at work we'll be ok and have accepted the next year will be tight. I look at people doing it on a much lower budget than us and don't judge them, I admire them and think if they can get through it, on difficult circumstances, we have little to complain about.

canigetaliein · 11/12/2018 10:50

I wouldn’t judge someone who had a child before a mortgage, i’d probably do the same if my circumstances were different. Home ownership amongst the young is falling so if everyone waits for a house before kids who will pay the pensions?

BunsOfAnarchy · 11/12/2018 10:54

I fimd you a little bit snobby OP.

I am a homeowner. But i wouldnt look down on those who rent or have children with lower incomes. It works for them. Why is it so hard to get your head round that? You could fall pregnant accidentally tomorrow. It wont be the end of the world. You WILL make it work.

I could have postponed having a baby by another year. But here i am with my mat wage now on zero and a beautiful DD. Its extremely tight and in this situation renting would have been much more financially viable for us. But we make it work.

You have a plan. Stick to it. But dont get so caught up in the details that you turn into a judgy arsehole because other people havent done it the way you have.

BitchQueen90 · 11/12/2018 11:02

Having assets to leave to your children isn't guaranteed even if you are a homeowner though. You might end up having to pay for care or similar in old age. A relative of mine has a £300k house and her children have had to sell it to pay for full time care as she has dementia.

TwitterQueen1 · 11/12/2018 11:08

Are you sure you actually want children OP? I'm a bit dubious because you're putting an awful lot of blockers in the way... not enough money, rented house, future assets....

Children will massively disrupt your life. You may think you have a plan but life (accidents, illness, redundancy, disability, Brexit...) generally gets in the way. Children need to be priority - the thing that matters most - nothing else is as important as they are.

bigKiteFlying · 11/12/2018 11:08

I know people who got house first and then had kids later - late 30 or early 40s. It worked for them often as they could both go p/t as they were fairly senior reducing childcare costs.

However, we had two children before we bought a house. Started paying back debt and saving hard in first graduate job but it looked like owning would be always be out of reach.

Had small wedding despite pressure for us to spend more of our money on it. We then decide we wanted the kids and worried about fertility. DH was 30 I was 28. Took two moves caused by work from first pg to end up in location we could afford to buy.

Third much wanted pg was as soon as thing settled after buying – unfortunately 6 months in DH work was talking about redundancies - 2-month later was him and 4 months to find next better job. It all helped get him where he wanted career wise earlier than most others – but at the time people were really nasty to us calling us feckless and saying we should have known even suggesting abortions.

Just under a decade later we have the children and we have a house and mortague we are paying down - DH career is where he wants it though there are times money is tight and I can't give the children everything - they do okay really.

Dis had engagement ring wedding planned, house bought and child on way and now is a single parent renting. She goes on more holidays and has more disposable income than us and she has managed to find long term rents even with pets so has stablity renting we struggled to get.

I'm not sure about passing assets on aspect - as old age costs like care homes can soon eat up any assets.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/12/2018 11:08

We both work higher pay than mimimum wage but not as high as some. We could never afford to buy where we live. We could move away to somewhere cheaper but this is where our work is our families and friends are. We were lucky enough to get a council house. I am not ashamed of that, it is beautifully presented and we will hopefully be able to buy it one day with the council discount. Should I not have had children?

bluetit101 · 11/12/2018 11:14

When me and DH we're considering trying for our 2nd DC (we have 3 now) I said to my mum that I didn't think we could afford it. She said "if you wait until you can afford children you'll be waiting forever"

Original poster
StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 11:18

Each to their own. I’ve gained some really good bits of advice from some of you and some reassurance so thank you. I’ll stick to my plan and hope for the best.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 11/12/2018 11:32

OP, did you watch the video Smile

Original poster
StarFish36 · 11/12/2018 11:43

Just did, neither outcome is ideal lol

OP posts:
Ollivander84 · 11/12/2018 11:50

I couldn't afford a child. I'm on long term contraception but if I fell pregnant I would have to terminate or adoption

witchy89 · 11/12/2018 12:31

I was always adamant that I wanted to own my own home before I had children (my mother never did), but as I crept closer to 30 it became obvious that it wasn't going to happen. My partner and I live in a very expensive park of the UK, he has a good job that he couldn't get any where else, so it's silly to move away at this stage in our lives, just to buy a cheaper home. We did the maths at the beginning of the year and we can just about afford to have a baby, surviving on his income plus maternity pay, so we decided to go for it. I did assume that it would take a while and i didn't want to be struggling to conceive for years to come. As it turns out it took one go and now I'm due in the new year! But knowing that we'll be ok financially was important to me, and we'll just have to wait a little longer to own a house!

Allthewaves · 11/12/2018 12:33

We worked our butts off to get a deposit. Brought a smallish house and interest only mortgage then had kids. Now ours are all at school we are upping work again to pay down the mortgage more.

KonekoBasu · 11/12/2018 12:58

"We can’t claim a ‘population epidemic’ would ensue as frankly there are enough ‘financially capable’ couples who would reproduce that the human race wouldn’t suddenly die out. It may dwindle a little but frankly that may be useful to the worlds severe over population and dwindling resources!"

Yet in the UK the birth rate is below replacement level and we have a looming crisis in care for the elderly as we have an aging population...

KanielOutis · 11/12/2018 13:08

I had a baby not long out of school, in a rented studio apartment. Moved back in with parents, on benefits. Had another early 20's, born disabled, again not financially stable. I'm now early 30's and will be completely mortgage free by 40. Life changes and you never know what will happen next. In ten years when the financially stable are thinking about babies, all that will be a distant memory.

TheChickenOfTruth · 11/12/2018 13:14

I decided to have kids first and when they go to school in a few years and I don't have to pay for childcare any more, I can look at buying a house then. Anything could happen at any time (health and disability issues, job losses, unexpected inheritance, job opportunities abroad etc) so I just went with what would make me happier, which was starting my family. I'll deal with what comes as it happens.

JovialNickname · 11/12/2018 13:15

My sister had a child when she was in her very early twenties and had to manage mostly on benefits. People would tell her that she should have waited til she was financially secure before having a baby. I am now in my early 40s and have a friend the same age. She has always desperately wanted children, but wanted to be well enough off to be able to support them properly. That's never really happened and now it's looking like it might be too late for her. People say to her that if she really wanted children she would have had them regardless and not cared about the money. The lesson being that if you're a woman that wants children you can't win.

Lazypuppy · 11/12/2018 13:18

@StarFish36 we planned. We bought our house when we were 25, and waited 2 years until i finished a grad scheme and got a promotion so we knew we could afford a baby. I always knew i would go back to work full time after 9 months of maternity so knew i was only going to have 3 months of SSP to deal with.