My GF's 20 yr old live in daughter takes advantage

[BaRone23]

I'm Mums fellow.
My GF and I have been together for 6 years. Her daughter who was living with her father until she completed college has now moved in with us. ( Just over 18 months ago ) Daughter now 20 years old.
Before she moved in I decorated her room, including new furniture, paint and a huge Hollywood LED mirror. ( I did all this as her room at her father's house was dingy and not nice for a young woman ) Her Mum and I wanted to give her a room that she would be proud of.
Since daughter moved in I taught her interview skills and helped for hours filling in application forms. And through that, a job in her studied field ( makeup )
I also lent her money. Which was paid back 6 months later. ( Took time to pay back as festivals, clothes and makeup were her priority )
My GF and I are in our early fifties. We both work long hrs. My Gf works 48 hours a week, I work 60. Our salaries are not that great. But with working long hours we manage. I pay 60% of all bills, my GF 20% and her daughter 20% ( and very begrudgingly - says if her friends found out that she was paying 20% they would be horrified at me ). My GF also has her car to pay etc. So I ask my GF for as little as I can. As I want her to have some quality of life too. Her daughter earns the same as the Mother. So GF and I both come out of the month with a fair amount less than her daughter.
Daughter works just 3 days a week and just 30 hours. Says it's more than enough days and hours for a 20yr old.
Daughter is extremely lazy. She says laziness is in her blood and it can't be helped. And says when she herself becomes a Mother then she won't be lazy any more.
She says it's not for her to do any housework, incl hoover, steam clean floors, wash bath out or wipe down shower screen, take out recycling ( often boxes from her online shopping ) heck... She won't even change the toilet roll after she finishes it! Says " I don't do manual labour" She is prepared to clean her room at least.
Asides lazy, she is often disrespectful to her Mum who does so much for her and at times disrespectful to me. ( No Biggie for me ) .... But I find it hard though to sit back and watch her disrespect her Mum who does so much for her.
Her Mum rushes home from work, cooks her meals. ( We never have the same meals, as she is a fussy eater ) then rushes off to the train station to pick her up after work. First thing I hear daughter say when she walks into the kitchen... Is "when's it ready" not even... Oh Mom that smells lovely, how long will it be.
The daughter won't even clean the dishes that her meal was cooked in. However will reluctantly clean her knife, fork and plate.
The other night I came home after quite a hard day and prepped and painted a different colour on her feature wall.
The next day I got home, earlier than normal, the kitchen was left in a bit of a mess from daughter who was on a day off ) Dirty dishes ( pet hate ) I can't cook dinner with dirty dishes about. As daughter wasn't home I did them. When she returned home I pointed out that she knows not to leave dirty dishes. Her usual cop out excuse "I didn't have time" later that evening, she said that she didn't like the new colour she chose for her feature wall and would like me to repaint it.

I give my GF money to service her car every year and I put the car through MOT. Again so she can have a bit of money for herself. But GF won't even ask
her daughter ( who benefits greatly from her Mum having a car ) for a £1 taxi fare.

Daughter goes off on holidays, regularly buying clothes and enjoying herself almost rubbing it in. Whilst her Mother and I are having not the best financial times.

I love my GF to the moon and back. But I am frustrated at having to just accept it. As each time I talk to my GF about it, we end up in a row. No matter how gentle I approach the subject.

My GF says this behaviour is normal and Mums give their children everything.

Last Christmas said Daughter brought two no name brand round dinner plates and a tin gravy dish for her Mum and I as a gift. We never use the gravy dish as it can go in the microwave and the daughter uses the round plates as she doesn't like our square plates. ( I only mentioned that so you can see how unthoughtful she really is )

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to vent and see if this is all normal.

You dont like her very much do you?

From the sounds of it, you tolerate her for your GF's sake rather than actually like her.

You have a few options here.

1. End your relationship with your GF and move out because if it comes down to a choice between you and her daughter, she's going to choose her daughter

1. Spend some time with her, get to know her and try build a relationship outside of the forced tolerance you currently have

1. Tell her she has until to find somewhere else to live, that you'll help her find somewhere but she absolutely must be gone that date even if it's a case of going back to her dads. I don't think your GF would go for this option so you might find yourself pushed into Option One

1. Suck it up and live in hope that in a few years she'll be away to her own place and out of your hair

Unfortunately some 20 years old are selfish and entitled not because they're bad people but because they haven't quite figured out how to properly adult yet, are a bit immature, and think the world (and everyone in it) owes them. All that fixes it is time and experience, most of them figure it out after a couple of years of acting like a bit of a dick.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to sit down and have a calm discussion about some house rules and expectations where everyone - including her - gets a say on what those rules and expectations should be.

It sounds more like you’re unhappy that she’s moved in and destroyed your little bubble with her mother.
20 year olds can be lazy, demanding and not want to pay digs this all sounds like pretty normal behaviour. I have a 21 year old and a 19 year old and this is all pretty standard behaviour.

It's not normal, and GF's daughter needs to pull her weight around the house a lot more! The financial side is normal - while I think the rent she's paying is more than fair it's not unusual for 20 year olds not to chip in extra, spend their money on enjoying themselves etc. And though I understand it's easy to resent that when you and GF are paying a lot more, and not doing as well financially, and it would be nice of her to offer to chip in occasionally, I don't think it's fair to begrudge that if she's paying the agreed amount. (Though understandable).

If GF were on board, I'd suggest:

• All 3 discuss current financial arrangements, whether what daughter pays could be increased or lowered to make it fair (Taking into account bills, salaries, and financial assistance given to daughter). However once that's paid, what's left over is hers to do with as she wishes - no matter how irresponsible.

-Daughter needs to buck her ideas up and do a LOT more around the house. At the very least an equal share in general housework that she contributes to - washing up, washing etc.

• A general change in attitude. For a start, show respect to you and GF. For another, stop assuming everyone else should run around after her - it is not a parent's job to wait hand and foot on adult children.

Since GF isn't on board, however, it's a little more difficult. You really need GF to be on board to implement any changes with daughter. If not, worse case scenario is that you have to consider whether the current situation (and long term), and refusal to address it is a deal breaker for you.

Perhaps just start by asking what daughters plans are? Is she going to be staying at yours long-term? Does she have further plans for an education, is she saving money, etc, etc? Also, perhaps come from the angle that GF isn't doing daughter any favours in the long run - and she isn't!

The habits you develop in teens and young adulthood tend to last, and I've known several relationships end because one partner still behaved like a child and didn't have any life skills, didnt pull their weight equally etc. They tend to be crap with money as well as they're used to blowing their salary and not paying bills, and tend to be the ones that have long term financial difficulties, or debts later in life.

And of course it simply isn't fair for you to have to live like this.

The other night I came home after quite a hard day and prepped and painted a different colour on her feature wall.

Have you got a handle on the side of your head? Act like a mug, people will treat you like a mug.

She’s being a bit of a tit. But nothing unusual.

How long did she live away from mum and why? does mum feel guilty for not giving daughter the childhood she would’ve liked?

Also please try and remember this
*
Unfortunately some 20 years old are selfish and entitled not because they're bad people but because they haven't quite figured out how to properly adult yet, are a bit immature, and think the world (and everyone in it) owes them. All that fixes it is time and experience, most of them figure it out after a couple of years of acting like a bit of a dick.*

Whilst your girlfriends daughter is being annoying it seems like you really dislike her and are just putting up because you like your girlfriend

Unfortunately Daughter is permanent and you are not. You’re the intruder in her life and she may well feel unsettled with you being with her mum!

OP, you sound like a nice kind generous man that is reaching the end of his tether.

Your GF's Daughter is not a Child she's a grown woman and sounds like a selfish spoiled lazy greedy ignorant entitled BRAT, and her Mother is only enabling this behaviour.

I would tell your Partner that this needs to be addressed but addressed by HER not you OP, otherwise you become the big bad Bully, so Mum needs to address it.

Good luck OP.

You are quite right. I don't like people who are selfish, inconsiderate and take others for granted.

Correct. I tolerate her because I love my GF. If the daughter is getting her own way with me.... Then we get on quite fine. If she isn't getting what she wants... Then no, we don't get on then. I never expected or expect my GF to chose me over her child!! That would be inhuman. We have sat down and discussed things, but she laughed at me and just says her doing any chores etc is ridiculous.

She's 20. She can paint her own bloody feature wall. She can also start contributing more and up her days. Why is she only working 3 days? Presumably she's finished college?

Bursting our bubble wouldn't be such a bad thing if appreciation was shown.

I have tried the sit down and talk. But every time that happens the daughter starts yelling and freaking out. Then my GF starts on me for upsetting the apple cart. I asked daughter about future plans. She laughed and said stay with Mum for as long as possible.

And neither should you. It must be horrible seeing your partner treated so poorly by her spoilt princess of a daughter. She sounds awful.

I always want to tear my hair out at the inevitable “it’s normal” replies to this sort of post. It’s not fucking normal and people want to raise their standards a bit.

Is there a current end date on her living with you?

She’s an adult with a job and she should be treated like an equal member of your household. Which means cleaning up after herself. Speaking politely to the other people who live there. Cooking for herself.

Your problem is your partner. She sounds like she’s so pleased to have her DD back living with her she’s painted doormat on her face and will put up with anything to keep her there. That means your options are limited I’m afraid. If she’s prepared to live like this you’ll struggle to make any changes. Neither of you is doing her any favours by pandering to her unpleasant behaviour but your DP is her parent and if she expects no better she won’t get it.

X post on her never planning to leave... I suppose why would she.

So you’re left having to work out if you’re prepared to carry on living like this. If nothing changes in 12 months, 2 years, 5 years, what will you do?

Bahahaha..... But yes, I'm taken for a mug.

Daughters Mum may feel some guilt. Daughter was 16 when Mum moved out. However daughters quality of life improved with her Mum moving in with me. Daughters father was a nasty bully and I got involved. Putting a stop to his and his new GF 's bullying.

I have spoken to my GF about this on several occasions. Most end up in cross words. I don't want that. I just want our house to be a happy equal one.

She sounds like a dick. Her mum obviously isn't going to stop running around after her, but you certainly should. Let her Mum treat her like a precious snowflake if she really wants to, it's not going to do her draughtier any favours.

Daughter works 3 days a week as she feels any more is to much for someone her age. That is what she told me. And when I painted the wall a few days ago I showed her how to do it. I'm sure quickly and conveniently forgotten.

I think OP sounds like a decent bloke. Plenty of 20 yos are living with flatmates or boyfriends of their own and begrudgingly paying 20% with lots of disposable income isn't an option. I was a bit lazy at 20, too, but I didn't do dickish things like the feature wall incident.

I had plans of moving to warmer climate in a few years time. But now I'm one uncertain fellow.

I agree wholeheartedly

Plans with the Mum that is. And if daughter wanted to join us, then that would be okay too. I would not exclude her.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Golly, my daughter is 21 and is incredibly different. Uni, hardworking, respectful, volunteers to pay her own way, cooks for herself or helps me. (When she’s home from uni).
When bringing my dd up, I hoped mybparenting would enable her.
I am certainly not suggesting your gf daughter is less of a person than my daughter though. Different people mature differently. Your gf has set the standard for the last 20 years for her daughter. Therefore her daughter now expects that standard to be maintained. It’s tricky to just say, ok, you’re 20 now so be an adult.
My two older boys, although 17,16 compare well to your gf daughter. I’m like their personal assistant, although unpaid! However I live in hope that in the next few years they learn to pick their pants up off the floor, flush the loo, rinse out the bath and bring plates down from their rooms before fungus grows.
Try not to expect the same from her as you like for yourself. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Maybe praise what she does get right and ignore what she doesn’t.
My dh and I can’t wait till our kids set up home. We intend to visit regularly, unannounced, leave our pants on their floor, eat toast in their beds leaving plenty of scratchy crumbs, hog the tv, complain about the speed of the internet, place empty good packets back in the cupboards, leave the milk out and ask repeatedly what’s for dinner. Pay back will be sweet

Your gf has doted on her daughter her whole life. It’s hard to change that. I know kids, young adults can be a pain in the butt sometimes, but bizarrely, all the rubbish bits, are actually the bits we miss the most when they have left us. Your gf is just making the most of havingbher daughter before she moves out. It’s as much an adjustment for gf daughter coming back home. I understand you’ve done and are doing loads for her, but a 20 year old is generally quite self absorbed. In their minds, they know everything about everything. We parents are just old farts. She’s being pretty normal to be fair. I know it seems unfair but she really could be a lot worse. I do think you should step back a bit though and just see how gf handles things herself without any word from you. If she complains to you, just listen. Let gf find how to handle this by herself.