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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My GF's 20 yr old live in daughter takes advantage

241 replies

BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 14:17

I'm Mums fellow.
My GF and I have been together for 6 years. Her daughter who was living with her father until she completed college has now moved in with us. ( Just over 18 months ago ) Daughter now 20 years old.
Before she moved in I decorated her room, including new furniture, paint and a huge Hollywood LED mirror. ( I did all this as her room at her father's house was dingy and not nice for a young woman ) Her Mum and I wanted to give her a room that she would be proud of.
Since daughter moved in I taught her interview skills and helped for hours filling in application forms. And through that, a job in her studied field ( makeup )
I also lent her money. Which was paid back 6 months later. ( Took time to pay back as festivals, clothes and makeup were her priority )
My GF and I are in our early fifties. We both work long hrs. My Gf works 48 hours a week, I work 60. Our salaries are not that great. But with working long hours we manage. I pay 60% of all bills, my GF 20% and her daughter 20% ( and very begrudgingly - says if her friends found out that she was paying 20% they would be horrified at me ). My GF also has her car to pay etc. So I ask my GF for as little as I can. As I want her to have some quality of life too. Her daughter earns the same as the Mother. So GF and I both come out of the month with a fair amount less than her daughter.
Daughter works just 3 days a week and just 30 hours. Says it's more than enough days and hours for a 20yr old.
Daughter is extremely lazy. She says laziness is in her blood and it can't be helped. And says when she herself becomes a Mother then she won't be lazy any more.
She says it's not for her to do any housework, incl hoover, steam clean floors, wash bath out or wipe down shower screen, take out recycling ( often boxes from her online shopping ) heck... She won't even change the toilet roll after she finishes it! Says " I don't do manual labour" She is prepared to clean her room at least.
Asides lazy, she is often disrespectful to her Mum who does so much for her and at times disrespectful to me. ( No Biggie for me ) .... But I find it hard though to sit back and watch her disrespect her Mum who does so much for her.
Her Mum rushes home from work, cooks her meals. ( We never have the same meals, as she is a fussy eater ) then rushes off to the train station to pick her up after work. First thing I hear daughter say when she walks into the kitchen... Is "when's it ready" not even... Oh Mom that smells lovely, how long will it be.
The daughter won't even clean the dishes that her meal was cooked in. However will reluctantly clean her knife, fork and plate.
The other night I came home after quite a hard day and prepped and painted a different colour on her feature wall.
The next day I got home, earlier than normal, the kitchen was left in a bit of a mess from daughter who was on a day off ) Dirty dishes ( pet hate ) I can't cook dinner with dirty dishes about. As daughter wasn't home I did them. When she returned home I pointed out that she knows not to leave dirty dishes. Her usual cop out excuse "I didn't have time" later that evening, she said that she didn't like the new colour she chose for her feature wall and would like me to repaint it.

I give my GF money to service her car every year and I put the car through MOT. Again so she can have a bit of money for herself. But GF won't even ask
her daughter ( who benefits greatly from her Mum having a car ) for a £1 taxi fare.

Daughter goes off on holidays, regularly buying clothes and enjoying herself almost rubbing it in. Whilst her Mother and I are having not the best financial times.

I love my GF to the moon and back. But I am frustrated at having to just accept it. As each time I talk to my GF about it, we end up in a row. No matter how gentle I approach the subject.

My GF says this behaviour is normal and Mums give their children everything.

Last Christmas said Daughter brought two no name brand round dinner plates and a tin gravy dish for her Mum and I as a gift. We never use the gravy dish as it can go in the microwave and the daughter uses the round plates as she doesn't like our square plates. ( I only mentioned that so you can see how unthoughtful she really is )

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to vent and see if this is all normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 22:13

A little respect or appreciation goes a long way with me.

OP posts:
Elphie54 · 09/12/2018 22:14

I do agree that it sounds like she should be doing more around the house however your GF obviously doesn’t agree (from what you say). I wouldn’t make the mistake of telling your gf she needs to take sides because I guarantee you if it comes down to you or her daughter, she will choose her daughter. Perhaps just stop doing favors for her.

Justaboy · 09/12/2018 22:15

Yep mate you are being taken for a mug. Your GF needs to realise that shes not doing her DD any favours siding with her.

he sounds a spolit brat that needs to grow the eff up and soon!.

Fairylightfurore · 09/12/2018 22:17

She's 20. Yes she should be helping out more around the house but you have her paying quite a high rent. It's not really your business how many days she works, or if her mum does things for her but I agree she shouldn't be disrespectful. Maybe find a way to tackle her rudeness without commenting on her lifestyle choices. Thank her for her input into family finances and maybe treat her more like a grown up ( after all she is contributing as much as her mum financially). Try and get to know her better and leave your girlfriend to manage her relationship with her daughter.

loubluee · 09/12/2018 22:18

As an example my 18 year old son is in university 4 days a week 9-4, which means a 6:30am train and a 4:30pm if he’s lucky, or 6:00pm if he’s at the library train home.

He works four evenings a week and a Saturday and Sunday, so probably 32 hours a week. Then has all his essays, seeing his girlfriend, seeing his friends etc to fit in.

He cleans and tidies his bedroom. Puts the hoover over, empties the dishwasher and cooks for us!

Sorry but she’s just plain lazy.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 22:20

How would you feel separating OP, from your GF. I know it sounds harsh and extreme, but the reality is you're kind of running out of options, as the Daughter has made it clear she has no intentions of going anywhere.

So you either, accept that you will support this young adult, for as long as necessary, or you ask them both to leave, and you do all those wonderful things you planned, like living in a hotter climate etc.

Im so sorry OP, it's sounds impossibly difficult and unfair. Flowers

GetKnitted · 09/12/2018 22:20

It sounds like a rubbish situation and you GF`s D sounds like a spolied brat. One thing did cross my mind though, she might be even more trouble to you if she moved out. I am thinking it might run to random pleas for help with rent/telephone bills/utilities, showing up randomly to argue with you about whether you are trying to take her mum off her, telling all and sundry how terrible you are etc. etc. etc. maybe I just read too much AIBU, but I would tread lightly through this one.

dorisdog · 09/12/2018 22:22

I'm not sure I would make my DC pay that amount of bills, but I'd expect more help around the house. Maybe just stop doing things that are 'over and above' what you need to? Like painting her room, etc. As others have said, your GF will obviously have to choose her DD if you set any ultimatums...The DD won't be there forever, though, even if she's winding you up by pretending she will be!

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 22:24

when a working Mother is left penniless because her adult Child drains her financially, something has to give.

fizzthecat1 · 09/12/2018 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Elphie54 · 09/12/2018 22:26

It sounds like you look down upon her career choice, and she may pick up on your disapproval (very obvious in your post).

GabsAlot · 09/12/2018 22:28

whats with all the this is normal shit

she doesnt do manual labour-she thinks 3 days a week is enough and doesnt offer petrol money

not normal on any level-you dg is digging a hole for herself her child will never move out

Elphie54 · 09/12/2018 22:30

What??? Nothing the OP said is abuse.

People love to abuse Step parents on here, even when they are reasonable. He sounds irritated by the situation, but that doesn’t make him abusive.

GabsAlot · 09/12/2018 22:30

you feeling ok fizz

whst a load of bollocks-abuse? can you read

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 22:31

OP you do what is right for YOU, not a spoiled entitled brat that is living rent free in your home. Grin

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 22:33

wow Shock

well that took a DARK TURN Hmm

ChristmasRaven · 09/12/2018 22:34

Reading the lines, and in between them. You say your GF moved out and left 16 year old DD with her dad? And that said dad was abusive? Sorry but that’s not on. I wouldn’t be surprised if your GF is feeling an attack of the guilts now (rightly so, IMO) and this is why she’s allowing this behaviour. A 16 year old is a child and either your GF should have stayed put or taken her DD with her. Did she leave to be with you? If so I can see why the relationships between the three of you are as they are. Maybe presumption on my part but no woman should choose a man over their child. Regardless she is not your DD so I think your only two options are suck it up or leave.

sackrifice · 09/12/2018 22:35

I was working a full week at that age and had already left home. Stop letting her take the piss out of both of you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2018 22:36

Insane post reported.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 09/12/2018 22:37

She sounds like an arsehole and her mum doesnt sound much better.

I'd dump the pair of them, no way woukd I be treated like that in my own home.

WindinTheWillowsLover · 09/12/2018 22:38

It's not normal, no.

I think the reason you have this messy set up is that you and your GF are giving out mixed messages to her DD.

On the one hand you are painting her room and spending money on it, which kind of puts her in a passive child-like role, but on the other you are expecting her to cough up each month as much as your partner.

It seems a bit odd that the balance in your household is 60% you and 20% each your GF and her daughter.

I think you and your partner should be more equal in terms of what you contribute, and then you need to decide what the daughter is doing- is she saving a deposit to rent a flat / house share? Why is she still living at home? Why does she not work 5 days a week and be focusing on supporting herself?

Many parents with adult children at home, waive rent / low rent in lieu of them doing more chores in the house.

This means they can save, and move out into their own place.

You and your GF need a serious talk on what happens next.
I don't think it's sensible to have a 20 yr old working only 3 days living with you both and driving a wedge between you.

Her mum is the one to tackle this- why is SHE accepting her DD being so lazy? Is she feeling guilty about being a single parent so she is trying to be 'nice' but not drawing up boundaries and rules for her DD?

You need to talk to your GF because the daughter sounds like a spoilt brat.

Lovingbenidorm · 09/12/2018 22:39

I wouldn’t tolerate that level of selfishness from anyone regardless of age or whether or not they were biologically related to me.
Why op is painting feature walls is beyond me.
Your gf is always going to choose her daughter over you, you need to decide whether or not you can live like this

Alieeeeeens · 09/12/2018 22:42

She’s a dick - I can’t believe done people consider this normal behaviour for a 20yo! I teach sixth form and most of them have a job while they study.

She might me selfish and a lot of young people are - it’s up to the parents to show them that that behaviour isn’t acceptable. If this was me, my parents would tell me where to shove it!

Why not leave her washing unwashed, her plates uncleaned and don’t cook for her. Go on strike. Tell her to paint her own bloody room as unfortunately you don’t have any more time. If she says you do have time on 60hrs work a week then she has twice as much time on 30hrs and could get two walls done if she wanted! Or charge her for your time. If she refuses tell her to get an professional painter in since you clearly can’t be trusted!

Sod the CF!

BollocksToBrexit · 09/12/2018 22:44

Did she leave to be with you?

He says she moved out when DD was 16, so 4 years ago, and that they've been together for 6 years.

fizzthecat1 · 09/12/2018 22:46

Sorry but I think you're exaggerating. It's so common for step parents to feel jealously and automatically dislike and resent their step kids. If there is a problem it's up to her mum to deal with. If the girls been spoilt her whole life then guess what? She's going to turn into a spoilt adult. If that's what has happened then again it's up to her mum to deal with.