My GF's 20 yr old live in daughter takes advantage

[BaRone23]

I'm Mums fellow.
My GF and I have been together for 6 years. Her daughter who was living with her father until she completed college has now moved in with us. ( Just over 18 months ago ) Daughter now 20 years old.
Before she moved in I decorated her room, including new furniture, paint and a huge Hollywood LED mirror. ( I did all this as her room at her father's house was dingy and not nice for a young woman ) Her Mum and I wanted to give her a room that she would be proud of.
Since daughter moved in I taught her interview skills and helped for hours filling in application forms. And through that, a job in her studied field ( makeup )
I also lent her money. Which was paid back 6 months later. ( Took time to pay back as festivals, clothes and makeup were her priority )
My GF and I are in our early fifties. We both work long hrs. My Gf works 48 hours a week, I work 60. Our salaries are not that great. But with working long hours we manage. I pay 60% of all bills, my GF 20% and her daughter 20% ( and very begrudgingly - says if her friends found out that she was paying 20% they would be horrified at me ). My GF also has her car to pay etc. So I ask my GF for as little as I can. As I want her to have some quality of life too. Her daughter earns the same as the Mother. So GF and I both come out of the month with a fair amount less than her daughter.
Daughter works just 3 days a week and just 30 hours. Says it's more than enough days and hours for a 20yr old.
Daughter is extremely lazy. She says laziness is in her blood and it can't be helped. And says when she herself becomes a Mother then she won't be lazy any more.
She says it's not for her to do any housework, incl hoover, steam clean floors, wash bath out or wipe down shower screen, take out recycling ( often boxes from her online shopping ) heck... She won't even change the toilet roll after she finishes it! Says " I don't do manual labour" She is prepared to clean her room at least.
Asides lazy, she is often disrespectful to her Mum who does so much for her and at times disrespectful to me. ( No Biggie for me ) .... But I find it hard though to sit back and watch her disrespect her Mum who does so much for her.
Her Mum rushes home from work, cooks her meals. ( We never have the same meals, as she is a fussy eater ) then rushes off to the train station to pick her up after work. First thing I hear daughter say when she walks into the kitchen... Is "when's it ready" not even... Oh Mom that smells lovely, how long will it be.
The daughter won't even clean the dishes that her meal was cooked in. However will reluctantly clean her knife, fork and plate.
The other night I came home after quite a hard day and prepped and painted a different colour on her feature wall.
The next day I got home, earlier than normal, the kitchen was left in a bit of a mess from daughter who was on a day off ) Dirty dishes ( pet hate ) I can't cook dinner with dirty dishes about. As daughter wasn't home I did them. When she returned home I pointed out that she knows not to leave dirty dishes. Her usual cop out excuse "I didn't have time" later that evening, she said that she didn't like the new colour she chose for her feature wall and would like me to repaint it.

I give my GF money to service her car every year and I put the car through MOT. Again so she can have a bit of money for herself. But GF won't even ask
her daughter ( who benefits greatly from her Mum having a car ) for a £1 taxi fare.

Daughter goes off on holidays, regularly buying clothes and enjoying herself almost rubbing it in. Whilst her Mother and I are having not the best financial times.

I love my GF to the moon and back. But I am frustrated at having to just accept it. As each time I talk to my GF about it, we end up in a row. No matter how gentle I approach the subject.

My GF says this behaviour is normal and Mums give their children everything.

Last Christmas said Daughter brought two no name brand round dinner plates and a tin gravy dish for her Mum and I as a gift. We never use the gravy dish as it can go in the microwave and the daughter uses the round plates as she doesn't like our square plates. ( I only mentioned that so you can see how unthoughtful she really is )

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to vent and see if this is all normal.

The father's GF stayed in the house for just 3 months. NOT 4 yrs.

Difficult situation. She is a normal 20 years old. I have them, They are at univserity. The y cost me £50k a year in univserity costs alone and they certainly don't pay me 20% of anything. I will also in due course helpo them buy a property too as I did for their siblings. I have chosen not to move a man in here because it is very hard for someone who is not the parent to accept that kind of set up.

One option is for her mother (and her father who presumably it out there somewhere) to encourage her into ful time work and help her get a mortgage on a small studio flat so she is no llonger anyone's responsibility - it sounds like she has not gone to university which is unusual these days. Is that an option - that she goes now a couple of years late?

To be fair, if I wasn't married and we didn't have a child, I probably would be this lazy. I'm 20, 21 next month and although this isn't an excuse at all, working 30 hours a week can be absolutely exhausting for someone who doesn't really have to do much at home. If she did more at home as well as going to work, yes she'd be tired but she could also relax a lot more.

Unfortunately, having kids does make you stop being as lazy as you previously were so her reasoning behind that is semi-valid, at least it is to me.

However I can understand your frustration as I put my mum through all of this and I suppose now, I do understand that being lazy shouldn't be used an excuse to not do anything.

Thank you all for the advise, criticism and kind words.
We have all sat down on several occasions and spoken of house rules/chores etc. It was taken badly. And I was told by GF daughter that she doesn't do labour work.
So no more talks around the table.
From what I'm reading by some of you.... it seems like I have been in the wrong and should not expect decency and appreciation. So I definitely need to focus most of my time and energy on myself. Let Mum and daughter carry on, how they feel best.
I will of course continue to be polite and decent and will find lots of excuses not to do anything extra for GF's daughter.

If you can afford 50k a yr to send your children to university.... Then clearly you shouldn't be asking for rent... As it sounds like you have enough money. Try being poor.

Her father pays her very little attention and gives her no guidance. That's why I have been trying my best for my GF's daughter.

I agree. Manipulative. But hey I'm going to get shot down by readers for just agreeing with you.

GF daughter openly talks to me about her worries, or boy friend issues and quite a few other topics. She has said that she would rather talk to me about certain issues rather than talk to her Mum. So Idon't see her having issues with me.

GF daughter went to college for 2 yrs and did the course that she wanted.

My GF does tell me that she is saddened by her daughter's ways/attitude. And I have heard them arguing about dirty dishes and bad manners etc.

Does my poor English and writing skills contribute to the thread I posted?

You gave her the tools to start he career?

Does that mean you bought her all her kit or is that bullshit stretched to the limit and actually you're referring to giving her tips on job hunting?

Such a lovely worded message. Thank you.
I have never been a family man. So it's all new to me.
I joined the army the month I turned 16. My childhood wasn't brilliant. Alcohol and angry folks. So I know very little about being a family man
What I believe though, is that if you want people to treat you decent, then treat them with respect. I have done so much for GF's daughter and GF's daughter actually said that I have done more for her since her Mum met me than her father has done for her in the same time.

I cannot stand bullshit carefully dressed up to make a body look better than what they are. Which is clearly what you did there so need to pick at my tone because it was called out.

Look, it does sound like you're doing your best but you really need to adjust your expectations. She's 20. She has no right to be demanding expensive furniture and you to repaint but you do need to see that she's young and she's learning. Paying full whack on household expenses, cheerfully doing basic housework, doing every dish before you go out is reasonable to expect from a full blown adult but she's not there yet so cut her some slack.

Xenia, are you on glue?
Do you think that everyone has money to help their children buy property or go to university? (And not going to university is not unusual by the way!) Have a look at the real world (and maybe the OP's detail about finances)
Helping her get a mortgage? She can't even be bothered to change a toilet roll let alone stir herself to move out. She has a nice easy life facilitated by the Op's GF, there is no way she is going to relinquish that!

Paying full whack on household expenses, cheerfully doing basic housework, doing every dish before you go out is reasonable to expect from a full blown adult but she's not there yet so cut her some slack

She's 20 not 15!!!! I'm sure cleaning a few dishes is not taxing the poor thing too much!

Her Mum and Father brought her the makeup college kit.
I brought her a laptop, a printer, photographic paper, extra inks and a Hollywood mirror apparently perfect for makeup selfies.
Those are tools.
What you are referring to is guidance, job interview techniques and filling in applications. Which I did with her.

Wow. No, it's not normal. Anyone who is letting 18-20 year old behave like this is actually doing them a massive disservice, so I don't understand why people are saying it's normal or OK - it isn't.

She won't even clean up the dishes or replace toilet roll? I don't get it... she's just behaving like a pig. The problem is tho if you don't have her mum on side it's going to be difficult. I guess there need to be new ground rules and have her do a fair share of the housework.

Yeah this behaviour may be OK when someone is 10 years old (and not really OK then, tbh) but not when someone is 20. I was doing chores from about 6.

She is spoiled and her mother is enabling her however I would stay out of it is up to her mother but I wouldn't be paying for presents for her ( well I would but one from me and mother buys her own), or painting her room or paying for her mother's car costs as in effect you are financing the daughter by doing this. If you think that's not fair on your partner then I think you need to carry on as you are and accept it or split.

While you step in and try to parent your GF's daughter, your GF will choose sides. If you stay out of it and say "you parent her how you want, you deal with it" then your GF will no longer be torn between the two of you. At that point she is more likely (although by no means certain) to be a bit stricter. She is instinctively protecting her daughter, even though she knows she is being a brat. Stop making her feel like she has to protect her.

Also, stop spending all the extra money. Set the budget of what you're willing to spend, and then draw a line under it. Save the rest of your money. You don't know whether you will need it. Let her mother spend the money, maybe then she'll feel the repercussions of having a spoilt daughter.

As I have never been a family man... I wouldn't know what is normal these days. From some of the messages I received, I can see that I am being to harsh to expect the same decency back. I just thought respect worked both ways irrespective of age.

Believe what you want.

I like your advise. With regards to spending extra money.. when we were discussing birthday presents a couple of weeks back and it went over budget. I suggested we buy one piece for her birthday and the other for Christmas. GF daughter was worried that the same style/ colour of the 2nd piece of bedroom furniture would not be available at Christmas. I thensuggested that GF daughter pay the difference. The look I got was of shock horror. My GF then hastily said no problem. Immediately I knew what this would mean. Less food for the month. So... I put in the extra cash. Mums will do anything for their children. But I have a physical job, I need to eat properly. So it's hard not to give her extra money from time to time.

Just to enlighten you.
I have not once said I don't like my GF daughter. I JUST FONT LIKE HER LAZY SELFISH ATTITUDE. There are times daughters GF and I can sit and chat for hours. So long as I'm doing what she wants and I'm not noticing dishes etc.
I know that she had an unhappy time at school and at home. I can relate to that. So I am very kind to her, I want her to be happy, successful. I even help her with replies to guys she chats to on date sites. This doesn't show dislike. I am guilty of overcaring. But as much as we get on... We also don't get on. But what I don't like is being treated disrespectfully when I am the opposite.