My GF's 20 yr old live in daughter takes advantage

[BaRone23]

I'm Mums fellow.
My GF and I have been together for 6 years. Her daughter who was living with her father until she completed college has now moved in with us. ( Just over 18 months ago ) Daughter now 20 years old.
Before she moved in I decorated her room, including new furniture, paint and a huge Hollywood LED mirror. ( I did all this as her room at her father's house was dingy and not nice for a young woman ) Her Mum and I wanted to give her a room that she would be proud of.
Since daughter moved in I taught her interview skills and helped for hours filling in application forms. And through that, a job in her studied field ( makeup )
I also lent her money. Which was paid back 6 months later. ( Took time to pay back as festivals, clothes and makeup were her priority )
My GF and I are in our early fifties. We both work long hrs. My Gf works 48 hours a week, I work 60. Our salaries are not that great. But with working long hours we manage. I pay 60% of all bills, my GF 20% and her daughter 20% ( and very begrudgingly - says if her friends found out that she was paying 20% they would be horrified at me ). My GF also has her car to pay etc. So I ask my GF for as little as I can. As I want her to have some quality of life too. Her daughter earns the same as the Mother. So GF and I both come out of the month with a fair amount less than her daughter.
Daughter works just 3 days a week and just 30 hours. Says it's more than enough days and hours for a 20yr old.
Daughter is extremely lazy. She says laziness is in her blood and it can't be helped. And says when she herself becomes a Mother then she won't be lazy any more.
She says it's not for her to do any housework, incl hoover, steam clean floors, wash bath out or wipe down shower screen, take out recycling ( often boxes from her online shopping ) heck... She won't even change the toilet roll after she finishes it! Says " I don't do manual labour" She is prepared to clean her room at least.
Asides lazy, she is often disrespectful to her Mum who does so much for her and at times disrespectful to me. ( No Biggie for me ) .... But I find it hard though to sit back and watch her disrespect her Mum who does so much for her.
Her Mum rushes home from work, cooks her meals. ( We never have the same meals, as she is a fussy eater ) then rushes off to the train station to pick her up after work. First thing I hear daughter say when she walks into the kitchen... Is "when's it ready" not even... Oh Mom that smells lovely, how long will it be.
The daughter won't even clean the dishes that her meal was cooked in. However will reluctantly clean her knife, fork and plate.
The other night I came home after quite a hard day and prepped and painted a different colour on her feature wall.
The next day I got home, earlier than normal, the kitchen was left in a bit of a mess from daughter who was on a day off ) Dirty dishes ( pet hate ) I can't cook dinner with dirty dishes about. As daughter wasn't home I did them. When she returned home I pointed out that she knows not to leave dirty dishes. Her usual cop out excuse "I didn't have time" later that evening, she said that she didn't like the new colour she chose for her feature wall and would like me to repaint it.

I give my GF money to service her car every year and I put the car through MOT. Again so she can have a bit of money for herself. But GF won't even ask
her daughter ( who benefits greatly from her Mum having a car ) for a £1 taxi fare.

Daughter goes off on holidays, regularly buying clothes and enjoying herself almost rubbing it in. Whilst her Mother and I are having not the best financial times.

I love my GF to the moon and back. But I am frustrated at having to just accept it. As each time I talk to my GF about it, we end up in a row. No matter how gentle I approach the subject.

My GF says this behaviour is normal and Mums give their children everything.

Last Christmas said Daughter brought two no name brand round dinner plates and a tin gravy dish for her Mum and I as a gift. We never use the gravy dish as it can go in the microwave and the daughter uses the round plates as she doesn't like our square plates. ( I only mentioned that so you can see how unthoughtful she really is )

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to vent and see if this is all normal.

The point is, you don't get to be the parent. That's just how it is. To the DD especially, you will only ever be "mums boyfriend". You can't (nor should you) control anything in their relationship. I think this is the bit that you are struggling to grasp. That's not to say you are powerless. You have the choice as to whether you can live with this situation or not. If coming home to dirty dishes is a deal breaker for you, that's entirely your choice. But only her mum has any authority over her. You need to learn to accept that if the relationship is going to survive.

Firstly it's my home. Not my GF or her daughters

Then you have the choice to kick them out! Being the home owner doesn't make you lord of the manor!

So how does it make it her house?

No. I agree. But I think you missing the point. Or more. I have only said clean up after ourselves. If that's dictating to a person how to live their life... Then yes I am guilty.

I don't want to be her parent. I just want her to clean up after herself. But yes, from now on... It's down to her Mum. I'm staying well out of it. No more will I be a mug. Let them both carry on. I know I will be immensely happy sitting back doing nothing.

Yes. You are 100% correct

Ok, the whole money situation seems REALLY bloody weird to me, but different strokes for different folks, i suppose. A lot of your resentment seems to come from the fact that you are doing a lot of stuff for the daughter, and see nothing but ingratitude in return.

If i were in your shoes, i'd absolutely stop doing things for her. No more feature walls, no more excessive gifts, no more careers advice. Be polite and pleasant, and go through a shopping budget with your GF, so you can actually afford the bills. Remind the daughter that she is perfectly entitled to buy her own stuff at M&S if she doesnt like your Aldi food.

Actually...if i were in your shoes, i'd leave. I can't stand martyrs or drama queens. Neither your GF nor her daughter sound particularly fun.

Then you have the choice to kick them out! Being the home owner doesn't make you lord of the manor!

WTF ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I never said it was her house. I said it is her HOME.
And it's not your house either if you're splitting rent 3 ways.

Lord of the manor indeed.

I've reported several comments on this Thread for Trolling someone looking for advise, but abusive responses.

Oh and PS, who the fuck microwaves gravy??? Lol
That's just been bugging me randomly.

If I were the 50 year old girliefriend, I'd be out of there quicker than a hot snot.

@BumbleBeee69

I have no idea what you found so unbelievable about my post. It's a fact that it's unimportant who the house belongs to. It is a home to the 3 of them and OP can't start throwing his weight around just because it's his house! If that's what he wants to do then yes he should ask them to leave. Better that then the old "my house my rules" dictator type attitude.That will end his relationship faster than you could type all those question marks!

Okay I have come to a decision. Thank you all for making that decision easy for me. I wish you all the best.

No more will I be a mug. Let them both carry on. I know I will be immensely happy sitting back doing nothing

I think you should have a good think about whether this relationship is for you. The language you use there is very passive aggressive and you are clearly not coping with this situation. You didn't sign up for this and it's ok if you want to change your mind. But I repeat, unless you can accept the situation (and with good grace!) your relationship probably won't last.

What is there to like about this selfish self absorbed adult?
She acts conveniently like a child to not have any responsibility.
I personally would prefer to have one make or break chat than live with a massive baby in my house.
The Mum is as responsible as the daughter because she enables the bad behaviour.
I don't do manual labour???? Shocking.

I'm 17 I have a kid and I live on my own and I pay for my own shit- it's fucking hard and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. This does seem odd though. She's 20 and she makes as much money as your gf then she should as others have said be treated as an equal member of the household if she chooses to live there. She IS an adult and if she wants to live there why shouldn't she be treated as an equal? Especially if she actually has a job and money. That just doesn't make sense and I'm very un authoritarian but she's your equal and it's not cruel to treat her as one. She might sense your dislike of her though which mustn't be very nice for her and she's probably reasonably for a 20yr old a bit resentful that she doesn't have hero lovely mum all to herself but honestly if she wants to live there then she should be treated as an equal or do what many others do and get a room in a shared house where she will also be expected to pull her weight. Sounds like she hasn't had a v nice childhood so maybe offer and look for therapy with her and other things that might improve her life (mindfullness etc..) but make those things clear. It's true if you act like a mug you'll get treated like a mug.

Don't stop pulling your weight though that is just a shitty and typically man of the patriarchy thing to do. Either live in the house with her as an equal or ask her to leave if your gf is happy with that otherwise the only option for you is to leave. It's not up to you how she Parents only your own descisions are up to you.

Is this a thread full of trolls? I can’t actually believe what I’m reading here. OP, you sound like a totally decent man and someone who sounds like a lovely supportive step dad, just one who is exasperated at the behaviour of another adult in your house. And she is an adult. I can’t BELIEVE so many people are referring to her as a child!

Shiny: you are advising the OP to let her live in his house as an equal? That’s exactly what OP wants!!!

And go away with your patriarchy shite. I’m a woman and I would be doing exactly as the OP wants to do, he Is refusing to be taken for an mug so will stop doing daft things like repainting HER wall because she had a change of heart about The paint colour.

Some of you must be turning out some quite lazy, selfish and bratty adults with your mollycoddling parenting.

And those having a go at OP because he is giving details of the financial set up so this apparently makes him “obsessed with money”, I read the details as just setting the scene of their household setup and what agreements they already have in place

The most sensible post on here is from Foundmyvoice at around 6am this morning.

Everyone who has referred to the daughter as a child, or who is being nasty to OP suggesting that he doesn’t like her just because he has listed her (many, by the sound of it) selfish ways to demonstrate his point, and to basically suggest that he should have no expectations of her because of her age, well, you make me despair. This is the next generation you’re raising. We are in deep trouble if this is the way they’re being brought up.

My children will always have a home here if they want it, but I would expect them to show me and their dad respect and thoughtfulness in the way they share the living space, as I would expect from any lodger. And if they want a wall repainting they can bloody well do it themselves and then do our bedroom walls seeing as they wouldn’t be workifn as many hours as us!!! Of course we would pay them a small amount for their effort which they could then go and buy some posher food with to suit their spoiled palate!

I wouldn’t want to inflict a manchild on any young woman, and I really hope they don’t end up with such an immature selfish individual for a partner as the OP’s stepdaughter.

I know that's what he wants @CurlyhairedAssassin you're not the sharpest pencil in the box are you? Just looking for an argument. And yes it's very unreasonable and I would argue commonly typical of men to stop pulling their weight because they're annoyed with something. That isn't the answer.