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Original poster

My GF's 20 yr old live in daughter takes advantage

241 replies

BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 14:17

I'm Mums fellow.
My GF and I have been together for 6 years. Her daughter who was living with her father until she completed college has now moved in with us. ( Just over 18 months ago ) Daughter now 20 years old.
Before she moved in I decorated her room, including new furniture, paint and a huge Hollywood LED mirror. ( I did all this as her room at her father's house was dingy and not nice for a young woman ) Her Mum and I wanted to give her a room that she would be proud of.
Since daughter moved in I taught her interview skills and helped for hours filling in application forms. And through that, a job in her studied field ( makeup )
I also lent her money. Which was paid back 6 months later. ( Took time to pay back as festivals, clothes and makeup were her priority )
My GF and I are in our early fifties. We both work long hrs. My Gf works 48 hours a week, I work 60. Our salaries are not that great. But with working long hours we manage. I pay 60% of all bills, my GF 20% and her daughter 20% ( and very begrudgingly - says if her friends found out that she was paying 20% they would be horrified at me ). My GF also has her car to pay etc. So I ask my GF for as little as I can. As I want her to have some quality of life too. Her daughter earns the same as the Mother. So GF and I both come out of the month with a fair amount less than her daughter.
Daughter works just 3 days a week and just 30 hours. Says it's more than enough days and hours for a 20yr old.
Daughter is extremely lazy. She says laziness is in her blood and it can't be helped. And says when she herself becomes a Mother then she won't be lazy any more.
She says it's not for her to do any housework, incl hoover, steam clean floors, wash bath out or wipe down shower screen, take out recycling ( often boxes from her online shopping ) heck... She won't even change the toilet roll after she finishes it! Says " I don't do manual labour" She is prepared to clean her room at least.
Asides lazy, she is often disrespectful to her Mum who does so much for her and at times disrespectful to me. ( No Biggie for me ) .... But I find it hard though to sit back and watch her disrespect her Mum who does so much for her.
Her Mum rushes home from work, cooks her meals. ( We never have the same meals, as she is a fussy eater ) then rushes off to the train station to pick her up after work. First thing I hear daughter say when she walks into the kitchen... Is "when's it ready" not even... Oh Mom that smells lovely, how long will it be.
The daughter won't even clean the dishes that her meal was cooked in. However will reluctantly clean her knife, fork and plate.
The other night I came home after quite a hard day and prepped and painted a different colour on her feature wall.
The next day I got home, earlier than normal, the kitchen was left in a bit of a mess from daughter who was on a day off ) Dirty dishes ( pet hate ) I can't cook dinner with dirty dishes about. As daughter wasn't home I did them. When she returned home I pointed out that she knows not to leave dirty dishes. Her usual cop out excuse "I didn't have time" later that evening, she said that she didn't like the new colour she chose for her feature wall and would like me to repaint it.

I give my GF money to service her car every year and I put the car through MOT. Again so she can have a bit of money for herself. But GF won't even ask
her daughter ( who benefits greatly from her Mum having a car ) for a £1 taxi fare.

Daughter goes off on holidays, regularly buying clothes and enjoying herself almost rubbing it in. Whilst her Mother and I are having not the best financial times.

I love my GF to the moon and back. But I am frustrated at having to just accept it. As each time I talk to my GF about it, we end up in a row. No matter how gentle I approach the subject.

My GF says this behaviour is normal and Mums give their children everything.

Last Christmas said Daughter brought two no name brand round dinner plates and a tin gravy dish for her Mum and I as a gift. We never use the gravy dish as it can go in the microwave and the daughter uses the round plates as she doesn't like our square plates. ( I only mentioned that so you can see how unthoughtful she really is )

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to vent and see if this is all normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 22:47

No.... I wouldn't be so horrible or that stupid to ask GF to take sides. Children come first. I know that.

OP posts:
ILovePierceBrosnan · 09/12/2018 22:47

My partners son moved in with us. I could have written your post in some ways except I think he was thoughtless rather than entitled. Tbh it would have split us up if he had stayed longer than a year. His father was so pleased to have him living with him at last that he totally indulged him. I lost patience, words were had but actually the son took it on the chin (didn’t make a long term difference to his behaviour however Hmm ).

I think your gf will rightfully always support her DD. The way she’s doing it will not help the DD to grow up as a mature capable adult. But nothing you can do...except leave I’m afraid.

Elphie54 · 09/12/2018 22:51

Wait..... you have been together for 6 years but she was living with her ex up to 4 years ago???

Drogosnextwife · 09/12/2018 22:51

The mother
The daughter
Daughters mum

Its a very strange way to refer to your girl friend and her daughter.
She sounds lazy and ungreatful but then you are both allowing and enabling it so what do you expect?

Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 22:52

Yes.... I live in an exaggerated world. And seething with jealousy.... NOT! Maybe you should read my postings better before making such idyl comments!!! I have done huge amounts for the daughter. So, no... I am not jealous nor do i resent her.

OP posts:
CoffeeCoffeeTea · 09/12/2018 22:53

Do you love your GF.
If the answer is yes, and after 6 years of living together why are you splitting finance 60/20/20.
You are a team, if you are still talking mine/hers/his then you are not a team.
She is not your DD, but she is your GF daughter. As a parent I would do anything for my child. Respect you GF because that is what she is doing,

CJsGoldfish · 09/12/2018 22:53

I'm feeling sad for those saying it is 'normal' behaviour. It's really not unless you let it be.

The issue is with your GF. If she chooses to be a doormat, and you have problems with it (and seriously, who wouldn't?) you are always going to argue. The daughter is behaving in a way that she has been allowed to and it clearly is a good deal for her so why would she change? Where's the motivation? She's selfish and lazy but didn't just suddenly become so.
The only way this situation changes is if your GF decides to stop allowing herself to be treated this way. Otherwise, I can't see it ending well for you

Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 22:56

My GF hasn't been living with her ex for the past six years. I may have typed a mistake there.

OP posts:
iseecabbages · 09/12/2018 22:57

20% is not that much I don’t know where you live, but assuming mortgage , bills are approx £1200 per month. that’s £240. And it sounds like she’s getting all her food, laundry etc.. included.
Some of the info quotes in this post sounds off though.

Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 22:58

Normal to me isn't slackers or rude mannered people. But if those people want to say those things are normal.... Then fine by me.

OP posts:
Elphie54 · 09/12/2018 22:59

No you said she moved out when her daughter was 16, so that is 4 years ago. You say you have been together 6 years, so there were two years she was living with ex and seeing you?

Beachbiscuit · 09/12/2018 23:02

I think “normal” is all relative. 30 hours a week working is still pretty good for her age, and I think you’re going to need more carrot to get her to do more. I would try to be encouraging and look at the glass half full. There’s plenty of people her age and older that don’t work at all (just being honest here). Tell her that you’re proud of her and ask her for help with different things. Offer things in exchange rather than just doing it. When you paint a wall, tell her you’ll do it if she helps you clean the house. Tell her you’ll clean the bathroom if she cleans the kitchen. Make it easy for her and be encouraging. There’s no need to throw away a relationship with her mum over a 20 year old being a 20 year old. Some people have perfect kids and some don’t. Sometimes your kid will be a brain surgeon and sometimes they’ll decide they don’t want to do anything. It’s just life, but I would try not to take her attitude personally. I would also try to talk to her mum in a positive way in how the both of you can her encourage her more.

Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:02

I would love us to be a team. But my GF refused to do joint budgets etc.

OP posts:
ChristmasRaven · 09/12/2018 23:03

So what is the actual story?? Who was looking after this girl between the ages of 14-16? First you say your GF left when the girl was 16, now your saying she left her ex when the girl was 14. I think there is a lot more to this story than what you’re saying.

Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:09

Okay... I definitely said that wrong. My mistake. My GF had already planned to leave her husband. We met, GF got her own place. A year later my GF and I got a place together. I hope that clears things?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 23:09

Jesus read the ruddy THREAD is all there in black and white Hmm

Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:10

Now I see where the mistake was made. My GF left her husband and home when daughter was 14. I said 16.

OP posts:
Elphie54 · 09/12/2018 23:10

Nope. The math still doesn’t make any sense.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 23:11

OP, you've done nothing wrong, and you're correct to question the dynamics of this situation. It's unfair and unbalanced. Flowers

LifeImplosionImminent · 09/12/2018 23:11

I don't know if you mean to but you're coming across as feeling hard done by because you are paying more than equal share in bills and effort etc and not feeling like you matter equally in your GF's life. Like others have said, the daughter, not matter how much of a dick she is, will always be a priority.

If you really can't bear it, it's better to leave than be miserable or make the household miserable because if your GF isn't on your page when it comes to house rules or discipline, there's a tough time ahead until the dick grows up.

Yidette86 · 09/12/2018 23:13

Blimey at 20 I had a full time job and was renting... A lot of my friends that age were too, the ones that behaved like your gfs daughter haven't had very successful lives because they are too lazy and selfish to do things for themselves.

I don't know how anyone can justify her behaviour by saying it's normal and claim she pays too much rent Hmm

She sounds like a spoilt brat that knows what she's doing, your gf needs to sort out her entitled daughter, she isn't doing her any favours at all.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 23:14

Nope. The math still doesn’t make any sense

Yes it does, read his correction.

Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:15

Now that we have hopefully cleared up my poor comprehension/writing skills or identified that I need glasses or to type slower..... Do you now have any relevant advise or constructive input.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:16

Get a calculator.

OP posts:
Elphie54 · 09/12/2018 23:18

“Yes it does, read his correction.“

Obviously it was posted at the same time/cross posted.

“Get a calculator.”

I had given advice but based on this post, I think your attitude may be the problem here, not her daughter. Very rude.