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AIBU?

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Original poster

My GF's 20 yr old live in daughter takes advantage

241 replies

BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 14:17

I'm Mums fellow.
My GF and I have been together for 6 years. Her daughter who was living with her father until she completed college has now moved in with us. ( Just over 18 months ago ) Daughter now 20 years old.
Before she moved in I decorated her room, including new furniture, paint and a huge Hollywood LED mirror. ( I did all this as her room at her father's house was dingy and not nice for a young woman ) Her Mum and I wanted to give her a room that she would be proud of.
Since daughter moved in I taught her interview skills and helped for hours filling in application forms. And through that, a job in her studied field ( makeup )
I also lent her money. Which was paid back 6 months later. ( Took time to pay back as festivals, clothes and makeup were her priority )
My GF and I are in our early fifties. We both work long hrs. My Gf works 48 hours a week, I work 60. Our salaries are not that great. But with working long hours we manage. I pay 60% of all bills, my GF 20% and her daughter 20% ( and very begrudgingly - says if her friends found out that she was paying 20% they would be horrified at me ). My GF also has her car to pay etc. So I ask my GF for as little as I can. As I want her to have some quality of life too. Her daughter earns the same as the Mother. So GF and I both come out of the month with a fair amount less than her daughter.
Daughter works just 3 days a week and just 30 hours. Says it's more than enough days and hours for a 20yr old.
Daughter is extremely lazy. She says laziness is in her blood and it can't be helped. And says when she herself becomes a Mother then she won't be lazy any more.
She says it's not for her to do any housework, incl hoover, steam clean floors, wash bath out or wipe down shower screen, take out recycling ( often boxes from her online shopping ) heck... She won't even change the toilet roll after she finishes it! Says " I don't do manual labour" She is prepared to clean her room at least.
Asides lazy, she is often disrespectful to her Mum who does so much for her and at times disrespectful to me. ( No Biggie for me ) .... But I find it hard though to sit back and watch her disrespect her Mum who does so much for her.
Her Mum rushes home from work, cooks her meals. ( We never have the same meals, as she is a fussy eater ) then rushes off to the train station to pick her up after work. First thing I hear daughter say when she walks into the kitchen... Is "when's it ready" not even... Oh Mom that smells lovely, how long will it be.
The daughter won't even clean the dishes that her meal was cooked in. However will reluctantly clean her knife, fork and plate.
The other night I came home after quite a hard day and prepped and painted a different colour on her feature wall.
The next day I got home, earlier than normal, the kitchen was left in a bit of a mess from daughter who was on a day off ) Dirty dishes ( pet hate ) I can't cook dinner with dirty dishes about. As daughter wasn't home I did them. When she returned home I pointed out that she knows not to leave dirty dishes. Her usual cop out excuse "I didn't have time" later that evening, she said that she didn't like the new colour she chose for her feature wall and would like me to repaint it.

I give my GF money to service her car every year and I put the car through MOT. Again so she can have a bit of money for herself. But GF won't even ask
her daughter ( who benefits greatly from her Mum having a car ) for a £1 taxi fare.

Daughter goes off on holidays, regularly buying clothes and enjoying herself almost rubbing it in. Whilst her Mother and I are having not the best financial times.

I love my GF to the moon and back. But I am frustrated at having to just accept it. As each time I talk to my GF about it, we end up in a row. No matter how gentle I approach the subject.

My GF says this behaviour is normal and Mums give their children everything.

Last Christmas said Daughter brought two no name brand round dinner plates and a tin gravy dish for her Mum and I as a gift. We never use the gravy dish as it can go in the microwave and the daughter uses the round plates as she doesn't like our square plates. ( I only mentioned that so you can see how unthoughtful she really is )

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to vent and see if this is all normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:18

I don't feel hard done by. But I do feel that decency respect etc work in a household and should be reciprocated.

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Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:19

My apologies.

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Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:21

Think your cross questioning about what didn't add up... Took the highlight off your constructive advise.

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 09/12/2018 23:21

You love your GF and are upset on her behalf. Your GF is just glad to have her daughter back at the moment. I think daughter could help around the house but if her Mother does not think so I would keep quiet and let the Mother and daughter do things their way. The daughter is being a brat but that is an age thing so nothing to be done about that. If you stay quiet as a mouse you may find your GF will have her own bone to pick with her daughter in time.

ChristmasRaven · 09/12/2018 23:23

Ok so she left her daughter at 14? Even worse, no wonder she feels guilty. Sorry but any woman who leaves her child is going to cause a rift, or other problems. It’s likely the daughter is feeling a whole lot of resentment inside and mum is now feeling guilt. You act like these are irrelevant points but they’re not. Because these are the reasons the situation is as it is. Now you want mum to choose you over her DD again? Let it go. Don’t put yourself out and paint her walls etc but leave her and her mum to sort the rest out. Stay out of it. As pp’s have said, she won’t want to live with her mum forever despite what she says. Then you two can do what you want. But let her be the mum now that she should have been back then.

Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:24

You have some strange opinions. To say I look down at her career choice. I have helped her get that position. Plus given her the tools to create a makeup portfolio. And I have spoken to her about investing in herself and doing additional makeup courses.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:29

The daughter has told my GF how glad she was that her Mum left her Dad and moved away. And that she understood why. Her Mum moving paved a better future for her daughter. Which it has. GF daughter says she loves the house and area where we all live and would never move back to her Dad's.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:30

Okay....that's an approach I can take. The silent ish one.

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ChristmasRaven · 09/12/2018 23:32

Right, clearly the daughter didn’t like living at the dads but was stuck there alone with him and his gf for 4 years. I think she’s being nice when she says that to your GF. I don’t think she felt that for those 4 years. My advice is the same. Stop doing things for her if you don’t want to but stay out of their relationship.

urkidding · 09/12/2018 23:35

You are being manipulated by both your girlfriend and her daughter. The daughter behaves badly to see how far she can upset you, and her mother knows you are upset but doesn't care. Nothing will change, unless you face up to the fact that they are BOTH involved in manipulative behaviour. Make a list of what you want and what you will put up with. Discuss this with both of them.

Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:40

During the 4 years my GF's daughter was given the choice of moving in with her Mum and going to a college nearby. My GF spent every 2nd weekend with her daughter. And every holiday the daughter would come to us. And that included any friends too.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaRone23 · 09/12/2018 23:41

I have said the same and have had said discussions. I love my GF to bits b

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nemosparents · 09/12/2018 23:48

If that was me I'd try and get us all in the same room and say to the daughter that some changes need to be made. Maybe if the cleaning ect isn't shared properly then rent will be increased? Maybe that might change her attitude, and at least you won't worry as much about money. If she only works 3 days what is she doing on the other 4 and how hard would it be to spend a few hours out of one of them days to pick up a duster or drag round a Hoover. Maybe speak to your gf from another perspective, say you're worried for her daughter. As in if she lived alone who would clean and change the toilet roll then, who's going to have her dinner on the table for the minute she has the key in the door? If she sees it from that perspective may be something will click, hopefully.

ChristmasRaven · 09/12/2018 23:49

I still think that ultimately you need to leave it to her and her mum. I understand it upsets you when you feel your GF is being taken advantage of or being treated badly but your GF has made it clear she doesn’t want to hear it. It might be one thing if your GF was telling you she’s unhappy with her daughters behaviour, but she’s not doing that. This is the way your GF wishes to parent her DD. You can disagree with her methods but, as you’ve found, it’s getting you nowhere. This is an age old problem where step parents are concerned, whether the child is 2 or 20. But, given she is 20 and won’t be there forever, i’d try more not to let it bother you.

Original poster
BaRone23 · 10/12/2018 00:00

On her days off she is busy with social media and goes to gym. ( Selective laziness )

OP posts:
Rachelle3211 · 10/12/2018 00:03

I think you all need family therapy. I still don't get why she left her 14 yo with an abusive dad? And they his gf was abusive as well? And she basically moved out and then moved in with you? So her dd either lived with her abusive dad or her mom's new gf? That's awful. She is probably feeling pretty lost.

Original poster
BaRone23 · 10/12/2018 00:09

Okay. I'm liking the idea of staying out of it. Let them sort it out even though some of it effects me. So does that mean next time painting a wall is mentioned.... I will give her directions to B & Q or point her in the direction of a career consultant when she next wants a dazzling job application and say I'm staying out of it. As why should I give endlessly? Want my help...earn it.

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Original poster
BaRone23 · 10/12/2018 00:26

I don't need therapy. Thank you. I just would like appreciation and common decency. Such as vacuuming once a week. What my GF and daughter need... Well that's not for me to say. My GF did not move in straight away with me. It was over a year before we took house together. Furthermore my GF repeatedly asked her to move to her. And finally father's girlfriend didn't stay long in the house just 3 months. When I found out about the bullying father and GF were giving ... I paid them both a visit and a few well worded e mails. The bullying stopped immediately. The father was more guilty of burying his head in the sand. He allowed it to happen. After his GF moved out that very weekend, GF daughter had peace. I keep repeating thisGF daughter has a much better quality of life than before coming here. She was a loner in her family home area. Never invited out. And from the time I met her, she was quite unhappy. Now she has a tight circle of friends and is happy. I have tried to help her in so many ways. Even spent hours consoling her when her and her BF split up. GF daughter said she preferred talking to me rather than her Mum. As I understood her better. Yes.... She actually said that. I do like her..... I just don't like her attitude etc

OP posts:
Rachelle3211 · 10/12/2018 00:34

The issue of respect and expectations are all really good topics to address in therapy. When you talk to them about it at home it ends up with everyone fighting. Why not address it with a professional so you all can get some guidance. You will all be living together for some time, why not try and make it easier?

Lovingbenidorm · 10/12/2018 00:49

Op if you really want to stay in this relationship then, yes, you do need therapy

Halloweenallyearround · 10/12/2018 00:50

You've got a big issue with laziness. She's 20. And it doesn't she she's had it easy with her parents and choice of partners.
She needs to earn your respect... oh ok, that's not odd at all.
You gf Payless and get to keep money to treat herself- but the DD is selfish and lazy for enjoying herself.
You don't like her so stop doing stuff, when she asks or the mother does say nope because I want her to praise me not being a wonderful man!

TheFairyAstronaut · 10/12/2018 00:55

Bit of a one-sided account. Is she really that bad or are you over-egging it because you resent not having GF all to yourself anymore?

Always deeply sceptical of new partners who find their partners children problematic/morally wanting. It’s just too convenient.

Original poster
BaRone23 · 10/12/2018 05:40

With how you explained therapy. It does not sound a bad idea.

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Original poster
BaRone23 · 10/12/2018 05:45

GF daughter shows good moments randomly or when she is about to ask me for a favour. I'm actually under exaggerating. I am not a biased person. Furthermore, I got a house with an extra room, just so GF daughter could live with us. I wanted Mum and daughter to be together just as much as they wanted to be together. Does this sound like someone who doesn't want GF daughter about

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Original poster
BaRone23 · 10/12/2018 05:51

You are mixing up laziness and finance. My GF would have nothing after paying out her bills etc. Hence me helping GF out. All I ask is that GF daughter pulls her weight a bit. However I am no longer going to get involved nor get annoyed if things aren't done. Let her carry on. There will be no more favours from me.

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