My GF's 20 yr old live in daughter takes advantage

[BaRone23]

I'm Mums fellow.
My GF and I have been together for 6 years. Her daughter who was living with her father until she completed college has now moved in with us. ( Just over 18 months ago ) Daughter now 20 years old.
Before she moved in I decorated her room, including new furniture, paint and a huge Hollywood LED mirror. ( I did all this as her room at her father's house was dingy and not nice for a young woman ) Her Mum and I wanted to give her a room that she would be proud of.
Since daughter moved in I taught her interview skills and helped for hours filling in application forms. And through that, a job in her studied field ( makeup )
I also lent her money. Which was paid back 6 months later. ( Took time to pay back as festivals, clothes and makeup were her priority )
My GF and I are in our early fifties. We both work long hrs. My Gf works 48 hours a week, I work 60. Our salaries are not that great. But with working long hours we manage. I pay 60% of all bills, my GF 20% and her daughter 20% ( and very begrudgingly - says if her friends found out that she was paying 20% they would be horrified at me ). My GF also has her car to pay etc. So I ask my GF for as little as I can. As I want her to have some quality of life too. Her daughter earns the same as the Mother. So GF and I both come out of the month with a fair amount less than her daughter.
Daughter works just 3 days a week and just 30 hours. Says it's more than enough days and hours for a 20yr old.
Daughter is extremely lazy. She says laziness is in her blood and it can't be helped. And says when she herself becomes a Mother then she won't be lazy any more.
She says it's not for her to do any housework, incl hoover, steam clean floors, wash bath out or wipe down shower screen, take out recycling ( often boxes from her online shopping ) heck... She won't even change the toilet roll after she finishes it! Says " I don't do manual labour" She is prepared to clean her room at least.
Asides lazy, she is often disrespectful to her Mum who does so much for her and at times disrespectful to me. ( No Biggie for me ) .... But I find it hard though to sit back and watch her disrespect her Mum who does so much for her.
Her Mum rushes home from work, cooks her meals. ( We never have the same meals, as she is a fussy eater ) then rushes off to the train station to pick her up after work. First thing I hear daughter say when she walks into the kitchen... Is "when's it ready" not even... Oh Mom that smells lovely, how long will it be.
The daughter won't even clean the dishes that her meal was cooked in. However will reluctantly clean her knife, fork and plate.
The other night I came home after quite a hard day and prepped and painted a different colour on her feature wall.
The next day I got home, earlier than normal, the kitchen was left in a bit of a mess from daughter who was on a day off ) Dirty dishes ( pet hate ) I can't cook dinner with dirty dishes about. As daughter wasn't home I did them. When she returned home I pointed out that she knows not to leave dirty dishes. Her usual cop out excuse "I didn't have time" later that evening, she said that she didn't like the new colour she chose for her feature wall and would like me to repaint it.

I give my GF money to service her car every year and I put the car through MOT. Again so she can have a bit of money for herself. But GF won't even ask
her daughter ( who benefits greatly from her Mum having a car ) for a £1 taxi fare.

Daughter goes off on holidays, regularly buying clothes and enjoying herself almost rubbing it in. Whilst her Mother and I are having not the best financial times.

I love my GF to the moon and back. But I am frustrated at having to just accept it. As each time I talk to my GF about it, we end up in a row. No matter how gentle I approach the subject.

My GF says this behaviour is normal and Mums give their children everything.

Last Christmas said Daughter brought two no name brand round dinner plates and a tin gravy dish for her Mum and I as a gift. We never use the gravy dish as it can go in the microwave and the daughter uses the round plates as she doesn't like our square plates. ( I only mentioned that so you can see how unthoughtful she really is )

Thanks for reading.
I just needed to vent and see if this is all normal.

You are mixing up laziness and finance. My GF would have nothing after paying out her bills etc

But the daughter pays the same as your GF while working less than half her mother’s hours. Is she earning much more than her mum? Otherwise she must really have nothing.

I think there must be guilt for your GF to spoil the DD so.
I'm not sure you can do anything about it.
Perhaps you have to stand back and let GF suffer at the hands of DD eg doing the extra cleaning, giving more of her earnings away to her.
But you don't have to do it. If you cover for her you are encouraging the lazy behaviour and letting your GF off. I would make sure I was saving into a decent pension and saving for the future as you can't depend on GF contributing fairly.
Unfortunately if DD is lazy this will probably not change, if she lives near you she will still expect someone to step in and help her, unless she finds a partner to carry the responsibilities, which would let you off. Imagine her with two DCs and a home to run!!!!
Also her career choice is valid but ime you only make a lot of money in beauty if you run your own business/es. I don't see her getting to that stage for a long time.
You can't change anyone else's behaviour only your own.

It’s very lazy
But why won’t your GF call her On it ? My guess is their is some guilt there as the DD lived with her dad for so many years and she feels like she missed out ? I suspect that’s driving some
Of this ? Try and find out

I think you sound like a decent bloke op who wants to do the best for everyone.

I think what pps have said about 20 yr olds being selfish etc is true for many. Brain development doesn't stop until mid-twenties. Was she taught to do chores and help at her father's house? If she wasn't, then this is relatively new to her. It sounds like the family dynamic at her father's house was pretty off. She won't be used to living in a helpful, cooperative team environment. She's probably been used to doing what she can to protect herself.

Also, if own father didn't protect her and allowed her to be bullied in his own home, by his gf, she is likely to have huge trust issues, particularly with male authority figures who have previously only let her down. She is also likely to be suspicious of who she regards as the "interloper" in the household ie her parents' partners. Has this child ever been put first in her life? Is she kicking off now because she finally feels secure and safe? Is she testing everyone with her selfishness to ascertain how safe she really is now?

Add to the above the guilt of her mother and it's a perfect storm really. I know you don't feel you want family therapy op but a few sessions might not hurt.

So your GF walked out on her daughter when she was 14, leaving her with her abusive father?

Bloody hell, no wonder your GF feels guilty & is turning herself inside out to compensate. But it is hard to make amends for such a massive parenting fail, don't you think?

It sounds like if you push it, your GF will chuck her daughter out, as she does have form for putting herself before her child, so maybe try that? Then you can settle down into a contented, selfish partnership, unburdened by the needs of her child. Children just fuck things up, with their expecting their parents to actually look after them when they are young and vulnerable - I mean, who could be bothered with that?

Furthermore the GF's daughter expects her Mum to buy her certain branded foods and other additional expenses. Which my GF tries her best to give. Even if it was with her last penny. The GF's daughter had her birthday 10 days back. I pay for most of the presents. She wanted a new bedside table and chest of drawers. I gave her a budget. Which she went over, having chosen more expensive items. I said we would get one of the items and if she wanted to add to the budgeted money to get the 2nd piece then we could do that. Wow!! That was a mistake. She wasn't wanting to dip into her pocket, but would rather stretch mine.
When I talk about appreciation. I ask for very little. When something is important to her, I don't hesitate to help. What's important to me is a clean kitchen when I get home. I cook and clean for myself most nights and a good start is not having to do her dishes.
Last Christmas I took the 3 of us out to lunch. An expensive day for me. I didn't get offered a single pint by GF's daughter. This to me shows no appreciation. I would have been happy just being offered it.

You sound like thoroughly decent man who’s trying to do the best for everyone, but understandably losing patience.

May I ask, is this your first experience of family life or did you previously have a family of your own? The reason I ask is that family life, even the happiest ones, inevitably involve a degree of negotiation, practical problem solving and compromise. Children and young people never stay at one stage, they are constantly presenting challenges for parents to deal with. At 20 the DD is still not a fully developed adult, by 25 she will hopefully be so or at least much closer to one. The difference over those few years can be staggering. I know this from my own DD who is in her mid 20s - and looking back she entirely agrees with me.

I ask this because you clearly want a happy home life and are prepared to work hard to make that happen. I just wonder a little bit whether this is all new to you, and maybe whether you have a slightly idealised view of family life? Just a thought (only as a side issue) as something for you to think about.

I also know that at some point they all go through a rebellious phase of one kind or another, they have to as part of the process of separating from their parents and setting new boundaries between them as they enter adult life. It sounds as if this young lady had plenty of other issues to deal with in her teens and it is only now that she feels secure and loved enough to test the boundaries - because you are doing a great job! Again, maybe something to bear in mind.

However, do I think you’re being unreasonable? Not for a moment, and I entirely get how frustrating her behaviour is.However, I want to reassure you that things won’t always be this way, life moves on and there will probably be some big life changes coming up for her over the next few years. In this knowledge, start thinking about all the exciting things you and her mother are going to be doing in the next stage of your lives, researching new places and options, saving up if you can. It’s an exciting time of life as I know only too well! (Sitting typing this in the little house abroad my husband and I bought four months ago! 🌴😄.
Having this joint project together has really been a tonic for us and our relationship and has brought us great joy - get dreaming those dreams!)

By all means set some standards and boundaries regarding what she does, but do so quietly and calmly. Do start withdrawing a bit - not with your love, advise and support, which it sounds like she really appreciates, but in terms of not doing things for her so much. Painting the wall is a prime example of this.

But please, when you do, do so calmly and firmly. Don’t let your obvious frustration come out in your voice and how you say things, you will just sound peevish and the rows will start up again. If she flounces, just think about her as being the stroppy teenager she maybe never dared to be before. Be the calm, confident adult, grit your teeth ( I know it’s hard!) and steer your little family towards calmer waters in the future. Step back just a little bit for while from your GFs relationship with her daughter and deal with your own, unless your GF wants to discuss it. You WILL get there, and in the meantime have a pat on the back from me, you sound like you’re doing a great job. 💐

Last Christmas said Daughter brought two no name brand round dinner plates and a tin gravy dish for her Mum and I as a gift. We never use the gravy dish as it can go in the microwave and the daughter uses the round plates as she doesn't like our square plates. ( I only mentioned that so you can see how unthoughtful she really is

This last paragraph makes you extremely petty. You also say she left the family home when her dd was still young at only 16.

I think your opinion is rather off. Maybe you should read the threads better. I don't want GF daughter out!!! Where did you get that from?? I just want what most people would call normal. Respect, common decency and consideration. I guess for some people I'm asking a lot.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your GF about the living situation before talking with your SDD.
Expecting to be cooked for and cleaned up after is not on.
I’m teaching my 3 yr old how to chip in with chores, I’m sure a 20 yr old can do it.
The thing is it shouldn’t be worded as a request. It’s a requirement of living in the house. She either does cleaning or pays for a cleaner.
She cooks 2 meals a week for the 3 of you and cleans the kitchen afterwards or buys take away for the house.

The problem will be getting your GF on board. Sounds like she is carrying a lot of guilt for leaving her daughter with the father. Is she interested in going to counseling? Otherwise she will be walked all over by the daughter without boundaries

The daughters GF earns the same. The difference being my GF has the car costs, insurance etc. So is left with less.

I think you're enabling her poor behaviour a little bit and your gf is enabling her completely.

Could you write a list of house rules (dishes must be washed after being used) and a cleaning rota? She's 20, she's old enough to pay her way and do chores like the rest of us!

I understand why your gf is enabling her as she must have awful guilt about leaving her daughter. The daughter is playing on this.

If daughter wants a new feature wall she can buy the stuff and do the work. Do NOT do it for her.

Ha ha ha sucker! Guarantee she entertains her friends with tales of your latest attempts to parent and trying too hard. Ignore her. Dont deal with her. If you dont pander to her, her behaviour will change.

It sounds as if there could be a few things at play here, your girlfriend may well feel sad and a bit guilty that she moved away from her daughter at a time that is very difficult for teenagers and a time that is often a child's formative years. This may result in her being overly lenient and not as strict when enforcing expectations.

You have mentioned that there has been some acrimony between GF's ex and current partner and they have been quite intimidating to her. The daughter will have possibly been aware of this and may have even witnessed this so there will be a lot of anger/hurt/confusing thoughts about her father.

I absolutely don't want to revisit the timeline as you have discussed that but when you say My GF had already planned to leave her husband. We met, GF got her own place. A year later my GF and I got a place together.
Do you mean that you and your girlfriend met before she physically left her husband but she was planning to leave him anyway? If that is the case there could be some unresolved resentment from the daughter as she may think you where a catalyst in her parents split. Even though that may not be the case at all the daughters memory will be of how she felt as a 14 year old girl when her mum moved out. If I have misunderstood this pleases ignore.

Some things are unacceptable, the general laziness with household tasks and only working 3 days per week would bother me most and she could miss so many work opportunities if she doesn't push herself at her age particularly in and industry that is entirely based on reputation. The "feature" wall ungratefulness is also very petulant and immature. You are right to challenge this behaviour and it will not serve your GF's daughter well if she continues with this attitude.

Some things are simply thankless roles that a lot of young adults don't necessarily appreciate fully. Helping her with interview skills and application forms are great life skills that you have helped her with. Many parents/carers do act as an unofficial taxi for their kids and most people won't ask for a £1 for petrol money.
I would suggest your GF stops cooking every evening meal for her daughter as that will not help her independence at all, maybe start an agreement that her mum will cook on the three days daughter works, daughter cooks for you and GF once per week and then sorts her own meals out for the other 3 days?

Daughter goes off on holidays, regularly buying clothes and enjoying herself almost rubbing it in - No, holidays/buying clothes is normal behaviour for a 20 year old (as long as she isn't getting into debt). She isn't rubbing your nose in it she is being a carefree young adult.

The daughters GF earns the same. The difference being my GF has the car costs, insurance etc. So is left with less.

Well that’s something then - if she’s earning twice minimum wage (at least) at 20 in a makeup related job then she’s doing well for herself!

Call a house meeting and explain as everyone in the house is an adult, then everyone has adult responsibilities.
Talk to GF and Daughter as adults. Talk budget, talk chores.
Draw up a chore chart and agree to responsibilities. Explain that as daughter is working less then she needs to do more around the house.
Push back when she says she is too busy to do her chores or talk about paying for a cleaner.
We did this and it worked to a certain extent.
I still get messages saying they can’t cook on their night as going out. I now push back and ask them to swap with someone rather than expecting me to do it all.
Good luck

I know the temptation is to flounce a bit. Not doing favours will not work if you do it in a "fine, don't expect anything from me then" sort of way. Just gently step back a bit, and mildly tell her that you probably won't be able to do that at the moment. Not pay back, not teaching her a lesson, just be around, stay your ground if she's rude, but otherwise I'd say she is definitely testing boundaries.

Not sure if the theory is still popular, but it used to be said that if a child experienced trauma, it could get a bit stuck at that age.

Her behaviour makes sense from a14 year old to me, and she's waiting for you to push her away, or seeing how far she can get before she's abandoned again (as she sees it).

Oh there's all sorts you could get into with therapy.

You are also not going to get happy ever after just because you rescued her. Please take this as said with kindness (All of it actually), but just because you've got a comfortable set up with her mum, invited her in and given her everything (in alot of ways), doesn't absolve all the shit she's seen/ been through. It just doesn't.

With any parent, you give/ love, and teach how to respect and reciprocate, but you can't ever expect the child to appreciate "All I've done for her", that was your choice.

She didn't ask to be born into an abusive house, she didn't want her mother to leave, however necessary it was, and she didn't ask for you to save her.

Hope you find a way through.

she's spoilt. stop doing things for her.

It sounds like if you push it, your GF will chuck her daughter out, as she does have form for putting herself before her child, so maybe try that?

You might be saying that tongue in cheek but considering the daughter is twenty and not a child anymore, it's not a bad idea IMHO

OP you absolutely do NOT need therapy, please ignore those ridiculous suggestions.

You sound like a caring partner, a generous breadwinner and extremely patient. Your GF’s DD is lazy and selfish and ultimately her mum is not doing her any favours in the long run. How will she cope on her own? Who else will keep her in the manner she’s grown accustomed when her mum no longer can?

"Well that's something then" ? What's that supposed to mean? I never once said she wasn't doing well in her choice of career. Your questioning was about why I charge them the same. Not about career choices etc

From what I'm reading.... I get it now..... parents don't ask much or expect anything from their 20 yr olds. So I need to take a back seat and relax.

I shall take a step back and let them just do their thing.

I agree with you. It's very easy for people to say get therapy...... but who is going to pay for the therapy that I don't need?