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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think i'm not a hypocrite to turn DD forward facing?

193 replies

ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 09:09

I am very vocal about using HBB as long as possible and that ERF is safest and best practise to age 4.

DS1 (9) is still in a HBB despite being over 135cm as he doesn't fit the main seat in my car safely yet (seat belt too high on him, knees dont bend properly over seat edge). He is the only one in his year still in a HBB.

DD is just 3 and currently ERF in a joie 360 spin. This is the only ERF we could afford (it's cheaper as its an all in one with the base, so isofix only, no option to use a seat belt).

Due to the car we have I cannot move the ERF seat further away from the seat back to give more space and as DD will not cross her legs her knees are up around her ears. She is now starting to shout/scream about how uncomfy she is.

So I plan to persevere through christmas as its a dangerous time to be on the roads and then turn her FF in Jan. She weighs 14kg (2st.4lb), wearing age 4 clothes so 'big' for her age.

I have been getting some grief from friends when i've mentioned this and they are calling me a hypocrite for turning her 'early' as i always 'go on' about how ERF is better.

AIBU to think that as DD is a large 3 year old, the size of a 4 year old and clearly very uncomfy in the seat now that turning her FF (in the same seat) is not hypocritical and I have done the best I can?

I just can't see how I can keep her ERF any longer as much as i want to, her knees are genuinely up by her chin Sad

OP posts:
Redken24 · 09/12/2018 20:03

Off topic but I don't think your dd is that big for her age. But anyways just turn the child if driving is safer without her screaming.

LovesLaboursLost · 09/12/2018 20:08

The DD is actually quite small for her age, oddly.

Youmadorwhat · 09/12/2018 20:25

OP could you sell your current one on a rear facing Facebook page perhaps and then use that money to put towards a new erf to 25kg (put the rest on a credit card possibly and pay it off) or ask relatives for £ for Christmas instead of gifts if not too late??

I do think she is too young to ff (for me anyway) and I know I would do whatever it took to get the £ together.

sparklewater · 09/12/2018 20:25

My 8yo is still in a HBB. Protested a bit over the summer so I showed her a crash test video. Not said anything since!

My 3yo is ERF, in a Nuna Rebl so v similar to the Joie 360. I think their legs look awkward to us as they get older, but I'd still rather deal with a broken leg than a snapped spinal column...

Fwiw I don't think her size makes any difference really - isn't it 4yo because that's when their heads are more in balance with the rest of the body?

Drogosnextwife · 09/12/2018 20:33

I can't believe you have a 3 year old in a rear facing seat when she is so uncomfortable, I hope you don't go on long car journeys! You want to keep her in it till she's 4? My DS went to school at 4 can't imagine collecting him from school and taking him and crushing him into a car seat to drive home. Sounds nuts to me.

BlazeM · 09/12/2018 20:36

Around that age my DS started kicking up a fuss in his seat (he also fussed forward facing too) we persevered and he now happily sits in his rear facing at age 4yr6 months. He’s in a britax dualfix which is similar to the 360. At 14kg there is still plenty of time to go in the seat so I would keep her rear facing until she gets past this phase.

Youmadorwhat · 09/12/2018 20:39

FWIW those of you who think it NUTS to rear face a 3/4 year old. In Sweden they rear face up until the age of 6. They have done of the lowest child mortality rates when it comes to car accidents 🤔

BlazeM · 09/12/2018 20:43

Fair enough it’s not yet the norm in this country. But it’s hardly “nuts” to put a child in the type of car seat that has been proven to be the safest?!
Having seen the consequences of careless drivers, I will continue to “crush” my child into a rearfacing seat. I must be nuts.

Youmadorwhat · 09/12/2018 20:45

@BlazeM you’re not alone! I’ll be “nuts” alongside you 🤣🤣

ollhe · 09/12/2018 20:46

Can you afford a new rear facing seat? I have the Britax Two way elite and it goes until 6 years old. So it’s naturally more roomy.
People have been foul on this thread. It is so much safer to stay rear facing. You are not in the wrong and I understand your dilemma.

anniehm · 09/12/2018 20:54

You need to think about what's best now. I haven't reading safety tests but I'm not sure when this extended rear facing even began - it was forward facing at 20lbs when mine were small. Dd was in a high speed accident in her forward facing seat at age just 2, she was absolutely fine (unlike our car which was written off with the boot concertinaed. Properly installed car seats save lives, the fit for your car matters more than the rear/front at age 3 (too many people buy the "best" brand without checking if it fits their car, then make do with a substandard fit, my kids chairs didn't fit my mums car at all)

dirtystinkyrats · 09/12/2018 20:54

Im a bit of a car seat bore, I think chewing car seats has caused me more stress across two children than any other area of parenting. I also had a close relative in a life changing car accident and my friends know this and know why I experience a bit of anxiety on this subject.

My youngest DS went FF at 3.5 as he outgrew his ERF seat. I got a really good 123 seat so he could still be harnessed until 18kg. Remember the chance of actually having a serious accident are low. The chance of RF making a difference compared to FF in that accident is also not certain - you could have a rear end shunt or a side impact in which case it won't help anyway.

However having said that if she is small then I would go for a RF to 25kg seat and put it on a credit card. You have to be comfortable with whatever you choose.

In terms of your eldest being in a HBB - my 7.5 year old is 135cm. I sat him in the back seat in October to see how close he was to not needing a booster and he is a long way off, despite having a long body. He is staying in a HBB until he doesn't need it any more.

dirtystinkyrats · 09/12/2018 20:55

choosing, I have not chewed any car seats!

anniehm · 09/12/2018 21:00

Ps we high backed booster til 8 then just the lower part until 11 (they were short do never complained about the low booster even at secondary.)

LL83 · 09/12/2018 21:12

It's a sensitive subject for you understandably. I think it will have been on the front of your mind in a lot of conversations.

Your tone speaking to the poster who had their car seat fitted by John Lewis is very judgemental and not at all "right choice for me"

Me and my friends always laugh at these sorts of situations e.g. "I could never imagine giving my tiny baby into trouble he is perfect" fast forward 3 years and we are laughing about how naive we were. Are you sure it isn't a similar nature?

What would you have said to someone in your current situation 6 months ago? Something like....

"It's safest so I would just insist she crossed her legs"

It is hypocritical......but we all do it. And you're right to move her. Screaming child distraction is also a hazard.

GirlAtTheRockShow · 09/12/2018 21:23

Could you get a Two Way Elite OP? Or something that will give your DD extra leg room? I think that ERF is very important also, a point that many on here seem to not grasp Hmm some ERF seats go up to 25kg, so not just up until age 4 - the TWE goes up to that weight - A-Z of Rear Facing, on Facebook is a really useful page to have a look/read of and they may offer some advice to keep your DD happy in her much safer RF seat rather than you having to FF her sooner than you'd like to!

You may have "gone on" about RFing your child and car seat safety in general, but why the hell wouldn't you?! They're your children, why wouldn't you want the safest option that is possible for them, and why wouldn't you want to let other people know that it is proven to be safer, so that they can protect their children too! Wink

LL83 · 09/12/2018 21:26

She can't afford a new car seat. Been mentioned more than once.

TheTroublesomestTribble · 09/12/2018 21:30

The research that found RF to be 5 times safer has recently been debunked. The reality is there's not a great deal in it, and for many seats (inc my Maxi Cosi), FF is safer than RF in side impact collisions.

You could just say that you have changed your mind in the face of newer research?

ForAMinuteThere · 09/12/2018 21:37

@blazem I'm impressed you get a 4 year old in the dualfix, I've found mine so restricted room wise! Bloody annoyed with it to be honest.

AlaskanOilBaron · 09/12/2018 21:48

If you were my 'friend' I'd start lecturing you on overpopulation.

BlazeM · 09/12/2018 22:02

@foraminutethere
I just stuff him in 🤣

(He’s only little on 9th centile so will probably fit for another year or so at least)

Concernedaboutgran · 09/12/2018 22:21

If the way you responded to the poster who bought her car seat from John Lewis is indicative of how you speak to your friends then you are probably a superior car seat bore and they're probably fed up of you droning on about it.

WipsGlitter · 09/12/2018 22:27

All this angst about a car seat. You and your friends need to find some more interesting things to talk about!!

AnotherPidgey · 09/12/2018 23:19

So much of parenting is best fit, not best practice.

I had my DCs at the point that ERF was an emerging niche product. Not avaliable to check in mainstream shops, expensive, few options suitable for my car. I wasn't in a rush to upgrade car seats and turn my DCs, but DS1 made the choice for me around 12 months when he screamed everytime he went in the seat. I valued driving safely without distraction over testing the safety properties of the car seat. DS2 was a stockier build so lasted until he was too big for the 0+. He did however have to move out of the stage 1 to the HBB as soon as he hit the minimum weight as he'd become too long and lanky for the stage 1. These days I'd make different "best fit" choices. Defitely no way could I crush DS1 into a ERF at 25kg... he'll be 8 long before he gains another couple of kg. There isn't enough height or width in the car to contort his legs up or out to fit.

Do the best fit for your circumstances and have confidence that you have done your best. Don't preach because you'll inevitably have to eat your words. Best to drive safely and not test whatever car seat it is Wink

Kokeshi123 · 09/12/2018 23:35

If there is one sort of crashing parenting bore that everyone wants to avoid, it is the car seat bore.

There are a couple of North American boards I am on where I have had to learn to tune out certain posters who appear to have made a lifestyle out of this particular issue. They live heavily car-dependent lifestyles--it is on the tip of my tongue to say, if you are that concerned about dying in a car crash, why don't you live in a different location where you don't spend so much of your time driving at high speeds on the expressway? Some of them are also HEAVILY into attachment parenting stuff and go around like sleep deprived zombies half the time due to all-night nursing marathons. If they are that worried about car crash dangers, they'd consider putting some limits on breastfeeding and sleep interruptions. Sleep deprived driving can be almost as dangerous as drink-driving.

Sounds like you have gone on about this a bit too much without realizing it ("Just in the interests of sharing information" "I'm so not judging anyone else's choices") and have ticked your friends off a bit.